boinky 0 #1 April 29, 2005 Wouldn't you love to have this attendant on your next flight Thanks to a retired Delta Captain for sending this "paraphrase" of a memorable safety PA (public announcement)from their Flight Attendants. In his own words.... "I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it." (BEFORE TAKEOFF) Hello and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now. There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first and then work your way down. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO. There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind." In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you? (AFTER LANDING) Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Copilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try. Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins because "shift happens."Nina Are we called "DAWGs" because we stick our noses up people's butts? (RIP Buzz) Yep, you're a postwhore-billyvance Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cvfd1399 0 #2 April 29, 2005 I have heard bits of that one before by a flight attendant. SHe also had one of her own....Although there are 40 ways to leave your lover there are only 3 ways to leave this aircraft so pay attention..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
craichead 0 #3 April 29, 2005 QuoteI have heard bits of that one before by a flight attendant. SHe also had one of her own....Although there are 40 ways to leave your lover there are only 3 ways to leave this aircraft so pay attention..... Yah, same here...here is the Snopes article on it: http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/announce.asp While neither true nor false, they're all still funny! _Pm__ "Scared of love, love and aeroplanes...falling out, I said takes no brains." -- Andy Partridge (XTC) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
eeneR 1 #4 April 29, 2005 I actually was on a southwest flight coming home from florida couple weeks ago...and had something very very similar to this...the whole plane was in tears laughing!!!!! I wish i could remember half of what she said...but she did the whole bit with the masks...but added somthing about if your are with an adult acting like achild, let them fend for themselvs...and a few other things... When we landed....we heard "Weeeerre heeeeree!!!" She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway." eeneR TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
2fat2fly 0 #5 April 29, 2005 Flight attendant has to be a job that either stressful or boring depending on the day. I like it when they jazz things up a bit-I'm usually stressed or bored too. I was on a Delta Connection recently (Comair, I think) that was only 1/3 full. The FA announced, "There's plenty of room so feel free to sit where you choose. We do ask that during take-off and landing everyone move to a window seat so that the other airlines think we're full" I thought that it was a neat touch.I am not the man. But the man knows my name...and he's worried Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SuFantasma 0 #6 April 30, 2005 On flights from Atlanta, Ga to Birmignham, AL.... Pilot: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is you pilot. We currently cruising at 17,000 enroute Birmingham, Alabama. Our flight time is 38 minutes, so I will leave the fasten seatbelt signs on. As a reminder, there will be a time difference upon arrival [Short Pause], please adjust your clocks 20 years back". Again, thank you for flying Delta." [Short Pause] Co-Pilot: "Ladies and Gentlemen, we apologize for the confusion the previous message may have caused. If you are wondering when to reset your watch, please look out of the window and notice the orientation of any birds. If you see birds flying belly up, we should be flying over Alabama, set your watches accordingly" Confused Passenger to a Flight Attendant: "I am not sure I understood the co-pilots announcement" Flight Attendant to Passenger: "Oh My, its rather simple. Birds fly upsidedown over Alabama because there is nothing worth shitting on". Ta Da!Y yo, pa' vivir con miedo, prefiero morir sonriendo, con el recuerdo vivo". - Ruben Blades, "Adan Garcia" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skysprite 0 #7 April 30, 2005 I love the flight attendents from Southwest. I've heard some funny stuff from them. ~skysprite Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Samurai136 0 #8 May 2, 2005 QuoteI actually was on a southwest flight coming home from florida couple weeks ago...and had something very very similar to this...the whole plane was in tears laughing!!!!! I wish i could remember half of what she said...but she did the whole bit with the masks...but added somthing about if your are with an adult acting like achild, let them fend for themselvs...and a few other things... When we landed....we heard "Weeeerre heeeeree!!!" Must be the same Southwest attendant that briefed the Orlando-Kansas City flight I was on last year. I heard the same thing. Hilarious! At one point she literally said, "...blah blah blah. blah blah blah.... when will this woman quit talking?" Ken"Buttons aren't toys." - Trillian Ken Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Zenister 0 #9 May 3, 2005 hmm either that is a 'standard' spiel (for South West at least) or i happened to fly with the same attendent once... infact this part bolded for variance was dead on with a minor addition.... QuoteThere is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. no these are not currently being seated so, the skydiver in row 8 can put down his hand we were chatting about my carry-on rig in the terminal before take off..____________________________________ Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites