Funny Fitness - How to act in the Gym

[GARYC24 3]

And now a word about, actually make that a few words about how to act in the gym. This is purely my opinion, but all the other 200-pound guys and fit ladies that share the gym for more than Holidays & Resolutions will probably agree. This stuff may seem humorous, but its all-true, and I seen each one happen. Here is a list of things that could point you out as a newbie.

Funny Fitness #1 Don't stare at a dieting bodybuilder who is stuck on the treadmill. He doesnt want to be there (he wants cake) and isnt in the most friendly mood. Even though you may only be appreciating the body that he developed, he will probably still bare harsh intentions toward you!

Funny Fitness #2 Dont stare at the fitness bunny on the treadmill either. If she cant kick your butt, her dieting boyfriend on the treadmill next to her probably can.

Funny Fitness #3 Dont talk to people in the middle of their set. Like so, " Excuse me! Yes you with 400 pounds on your back, do you have many sets left? Id like to do my crunches right there!

Funny Fitness #4 If you can do an exercise in a space that doesnt require any gear, do it. Dont do curls in the squat rack, leg raises on the bench press and dont sit and talk on a bench when someone might need it.

Funny Fitness #5 Like the above, dont stand two inches from the dumbbell rack to do your laterals, people need to get in and out of there to get at the weights.

Funny Fitness #6 Dont use half of the cable crossover to do one arm triceps pushdowns and the like. The crossover machine is for chest and requires both halves. Use an independent single pulley somewhere else.

Not Funny Cell phones: At least get off the bench for the conversation.

Funny Fitness #7 The weights have homes. They like their homes. When they dont go home, they get angry and do mean things. All the little dumbbells go together and all the big ones go together. So no 15s up by the 120s. The little plates have homes also. See there was this one time during a personal training session where I grabbed a 45 off the leg press. What I didnt see was that someone had put a 25 in front of it instead of on its own peg. Off came the 45 in my hands and down went the 25 on my foot. This is a great way to learn composure if your interested.

Funny Fitness #8 If a book or shirt is on a bench, someone is trying to save it because they are doing exercises back to back. These are called "super sets" and the guys that do them are usually super big. It sure is awkward to be sitting there picking your nose when bubba comes storming around the corner. Its such an easy thing to wait a second to find out or to ask someone if they are done on the equipment.

Funny Fitness #9 While its o.k. to use a couple of machines if its not peak hours, dont monopolize the gear. You cant reserve a treadmill for an hour while you run back and forth from the weights to the treadmill to do circuit training. Boy, this one really ticks people off.

Funny Fitness #10 Watch out for I.L.S. Invisible Lat Syndrome. This is where even though there is nothing under your shirt; it looks like your carrying around two beer kegs under each arm. People are laughing at you.

Funny Fitness #11 Wipe your sweat off of the gear; no more needs to be said. Actually yes it does, especially if Im going to be putting my face in there on the lying hamstring curl. Wipe it off!

Funny Fitness #12 Change your gym clothes and don?t put them on after they have been fermenting in your locker for a week. Strong in smell doesnt count!

Funny Fitness #13 For the manly, there is a new invention called "deodorant". It runs a close second to something called the "shower". Check it out.

Funny Fitness #14 It is right and proper to ask someone for a spot on an exercise so you dont hurt yourself. The only thing to keep in mind is that your requests dont interfere with someone elses training pace or that you become a hindrance because your always using a weight that is too heavy for you.

Like wise, dont ask the personal trainer for a spot while he is in the middle of a session with someone else. At $50 an hour, your spot just cost someone $2.50.

Very Funny Fitness #15 Ladies: No more pink thongs over black spandex, please! Dont throw them away though because they may need extras if Miami Vice makes a come back.

Guys? Retire a shirt when it starts to walk on its own.

Gross Funny Fitness This is strange to me but I better mention it cause I seen it happen. Don?t blow "farmer snots" on the gym floor. Really.

Funny Fitness #16 Dumbbell presses. If you bring your knees up on the last rep, you can put the dumbbells on your knees with your arms straight and ride them until youre in the upright position as you drop your knees. This way you wont have to drop them from four feet causing a thunderous boom that scares the crap out of everyone and bending the dumbbells so they look like 100-pound bananas.

Funny Fitness #17 For the guys, if your going to shave, comb your hair, brush your teeth or whatever in front of the mirror, keep your cloths on. As comfortable as you may be with yourself, we dont need someone we dont know selling hot dogs in the locker room.

The showers are single purpose. If I see anything other than clear water running around my feet, I'm going to freak.

[AggieDave 6]

Haha!

Man there are some seriously truthful things said here!

I will also say "If the guy doing 350lbs shrugs has his headphones on and isn't looking around the gym between sets, he doesn't want to talk to anyone. Especially you right then. If you must ask that person a question, wait until they're done with their workout and then chat."

--"When I die, may I be surrounded by scattered chrome and burning gasoline."

[SpeedRacer 1]

Rule #25 or whatever:

Don't hog the bench in the locker room by spreading all of your worldly possessions along it like a goddam homeless person.

Rule 26: When using a resistance-training machine, remember to use some RESISTANCE on it. Nothing is more frustrating than waiting while someone puts like 20 pounds on a machine & doing 1,000,000 reps for 45 minutes as if they'd rented the thing for the day. Learn how to move the little peg to a reasonable amount of resistance.

Speed Racer
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[Rebecca 0]

My rule #23: If I catch you, even for a nanosecond, looking at my ass while I'm doing that oh-so-lovely ass-in-the-air torso-raising lower back exercise, I will throw a five-pound weight at your head.


*effective until people stop laughing and pointing and start asking what I do to get my glutes so rock-hard and awesome. That's a long way off though.

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[rehmwa 2]

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Funny Fitness #8 If a book or shirt is on a bench, someone is trying to save it because they are doing exercises back to back.

Funny Fitness #9 While its o.k. to use a couple of machines if its not peak hours, dont monopolize the gear.

Make up your mind. There's ways to still superset without hogging 2 stations, simultaneously.

Other than that - great list - especially locker room stuff. Can't believe you've seen "farmer snots" in the (gym) same place as the locker room bench hogs (club). Usually not together.

Here's another few:

- if someone has lousy form, it's not your business to be their volunteer personal trainer - it pays lousy. Better to point it out to staff than be everybody's personal annoyance (staff is there to be annoyed by you).

- if someone is doing about a million reps on low weight, maybe they are in injury recovery. Cut em slack - you're not their personal trainer

- grunt and howl all you want, but you are not fooling anyone , likely you're doing a crappy exercise for that muscle that would be better with a different motion. Not that I care..

edit - Rebecca, sorry, the ass-is-the-air thing for you is like an eclipse, you can't help it even if it causes retinal damage. If you throw the 5 pound coaster, please throw it in the general direction of a storage rack.

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[gemini 0]

How about:

Don't laugh at the guy who is more out of shape than you! You won't remember him, but he may remember you and kick your ass when he gets in better shape!

Blue skies,

Jim

[rehmwa 2]

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Don't laugh at the guy who is more out of shape than you!

I don't think the 2 of them care....when they show up

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[TALONSKY 0]

Rule 27 If you are going to work out please have some idea of the correct form used for each exercise, swinging the weight so you can lift heaver only make you look stupid.
Rule 28 Also lifting a whole lot of weight but only doing 1/8th of the muscles movement only impresses you, (we are all laughing at you)

[simplyputsi 0]

So help me out with this one. There is a treadmill that faces an elliptical machine in the gym at my office. I sometimes get stuck running on this treadmill and not the one beside it, but whatever it moves so it works for me. There is a older lady, but good looking that uses the elliptical machine frequently. So when I run on the treadmill that is in front of her, seperated by about 10 feet, I have really no choice but to look at her. Thing is she has bodacious ta tas and I can't help but wander down that away since well, there is movement going on. Stare and smile or run with eyes closed???

Skymama's #2 stalker -

[lawrocket 3]

Hmm. here are some other ways to act in a gym that I've noticed:

#22 - Ensure that you are lifting more weight than is safe or effective. For example, you can do 45 pound curls correctly, but you don't look cool enough with those 10 pound little guys on each end. But, if you put your back into it really hard, you can do 75 pound curls. Sure, you'll hurt yourself, but you look cooler that way.

#22 (corollary) - most people can tell if you cannot bench press 225. In fact, most people don't care. Still, by all means, ensure that your spotter is is responsible for at least 90 pounds of the lifting force. It may make you feel better (you aren't at the gym to actually get fit and in shape).

#23 - At all times look into the mirror. When you are lifting weights, look in the mirror not to achieve proper form, but to ensure that you are more effectively showing off the vein that just showed up on your bicep last week. When not lifting, check up on your hair, muscle tone, and ensure that the sweat stains on your shirt are symmetircal. Even though you have mirrors at home, you must not use them to flex. You may ONLY flex in the gym mirrors so that others may see how cool you are.

#24 - You've been working out for a full three months now and stayed with it. Much like the hundred jump chump, it is your affirmative duty and responsibility to dispense unsolicited advice on all around you.

#24 (Corollary) - the hot chick with the smokin' body will appreciate your efforts to inform her of how to get the best workout more than anyone. After all, just by looking at her you can tell that she doesn't know what she's doing.

#25 - if your shirt has sleeves, you are obviously not in proper attire. You may not work out at a gym with a sleeved shirt. It is bad form.

#26 - You must not use the stairs to utilize the stairmaster. All gyms are ADA compliant and have elevators that will bring you more easily and efficiently to the stairmasters. Use of the stairs demonstrates that you are not taking the role of the gymanasium seriously. Furthermore, on the atairmaster, ensure that you are supporting your weight with locked arms. You go faster that way, ergo, look cooler.

#27 - all females must wear makeup to the gym. If the makeup is sweated off and causes undeisrable runs, the runs must be wiped off. A quick trip to the lockers will alow you to reapply this makeup to ensure you look good. Of course, anyone who notices that you look good is to be immediately accused of objectifying you.

#28 - laugh at the fat guy who is trying to work out. He clearly fails to understand that you are not to go to the gym until such time as you are in appropriate phyical condition to do so. Sure, he may be trying to make himself healthier and better, but he should do so on his own time to avoid creating a bad vibe.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[Superman32 0]

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Funny Fitness #17 For the guys, if your going to shave, comb your hair, brush your teeth or whatever in front of the mirror, keep your cloths on. As comfortable as you may be with yourself, we dont need someone we dont know selling hot dogs in the locker room.

If you're naked any longer than absolutely necessary to dry yourself off, get in and out of shower, or get dressed, YOU ARE GAY.
You are in a room full of other guys, some which may also be naked, with ZERO chance of any women seeing you and you're struttin' your stuff, YOU ARE GAY.

P.S. Not there's anything wrong with that

Inveniam Viam aut Faciam
I'm back biatches!

[Rebecca 0]

But, what if he just wants to make sure everyone knows who's got the BIGGEST...







... lack of modesty?

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[gemini 0]

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If you're naked any longer than absolutely necessary to dry yourself off, get in and out of shower, or get dressed, YOU ARE GAY.
You are in a room full of other guys, some which may also be naked, with ZERO chance of any women seeing you and you're struttin' your stuff, YOU ARE GAY

Reminds me of a gym story....


My wife and I used to work out a Bally's. One evening after I had finished, I went down to the dressing room to get my wallet, keys and gym bag. It was cold out, so I decided to take off the sweaty shorts and put on the pull-over pants.

There were a coupla' other guys who had just gotten out of the showers. One was sitting on the bench and the other was behind me drying himself.

I am facing the dressing room door....

A young woman walks in and stands in the doorway. She looks at each of us slowly, one at a time then turns and walks out.

I look at the guy on the bench and he is standing with his socks and shorts in his hand. I turn to the guy behind me and he is standing facing the door with the towel stretched out behind him as he was drying his back. They both looked at me and shrugged "oh well!"

I was standing there with my wet shorts in one hand and my pull-overs in the other.

We never said a word to each other and never saw the woman again in the gym.

I never felt so much like a piece of meat!

Blue skies,

Jim

[cocheese 0]

What do you do to get your glutes so rock hard and awesome ? I was just checkin them out.

What ? why am i wearing a helmet to the gym ? Because...

[Rebecca 0]

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What do you do to get your glutes so rock hard and awesome ? I was just checkin them out.

What ? why am i wearing a helmet to the gym ? Because...

Oh, you won't have anything thrown at you if you mean that!

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[Ashtanga 0]

Girl, you looks good, can I tap that ass up
You'se a fine motherfucka, can I tap that ass up
Call me Big Daddy when I tap that ass up
Girl, who is you playin wit? Can I tap that ass up

[daniel_owen_uk 0]

When I was in the US my friend made me laugh with a brilliant story.

He was a big swimmer a couple of years ago, swam for the state etc etc. Well he managed to get a job as a lifeguard, he said it was more a pain in the ass than anything but he was in school so it earnt him some extra cash. Most of the time just kids splashing around in the pool and making sure they didn't crack their head open and drown.

Next to the pool they had a hot-tub in an alcove, joined onto the main pool, but also with a direct route from the mens room, unfortunately one old guy wasn't aware that it also joined the main pool and thought it was just the mens. This was obviously a bit of a shock to the women that screamed when he walked out stark bollock naked.

__________________

BOOM Headshot

[TrophyHusband 0]

sorry, but if your ass is in the air, i'm looking. i won't directly at it, there are plenty of mirrors. i also will not stare nor will my head be directly pointed towards you, but i will look. that is what men do. we can't help it. that brings up another rule for the ladies. do not wear skin tight workout clothes and then tie a sweater around your waste. it looks really stupid and we know what you're doing.

"Your scrotum is quite nice" - Skymama
www.kjandmegan.com

[Broke 0]

You must cruize the parking lot for a half an hour, or even make up a parking spot to get as close as you can to the doors of the gym so you can run 5 miles on the tredmill.


If you are naked do not stand in front of someone sitting on the bench in the locker room.

Put your undies on before your T-Shirt.

Divot your source for all things Hillbilly.
Anvil Brother 84
SCR 14192

[deltablue 0]

LOL

~He who looks outside his own heart dreams, he who looks inside his own heart awakens - Carl Jung~

My Space

[Beverly 1]

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You must cruize the parking lot for a half an hour, or even make up a parking spot to get as close as you can to the doors of the gym so you can run 5 miles on the tredmill.

Hey dude, I do this for security reasons. I go to the gym when it is dark and I am not walking far to my car in the dark afterwards in a deserted parking area!

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If you are naked do not stand in front of someone sitting on the bench in the locker room.
Put your undies on before your T-Shirt.

Unless you are a man in front of me. Then leave them off and don't complain when you get treated like a piece of meat and abused for hours!

All the guys at my gym came to a grinding halt to watch this chick smack the punching bag, and laughed nervously.
I was still doing crunches, so I had to follow up the performance.
Quite intimidating for them. If only they knew that sexual frustration was being relieved by the chick beating the crap out of the bag...

I think true friendship is under-rated

Twitter: @Dreamskygirlsa

[riggerrob 558]

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How about:

Don't laugh at the guy who is more out of shape than you! You won't remember him, but he may remember you and kick your ass when he gets in better shape!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
At least he has the self-discipline to START an exercise program.

[masterrig 1]

Which gym do you work-out at? I'm disgruntled with mine!


Chuck

[Rebecca 0]

Mine's a local joint in the Heights - Houston Gym.

Had a little break last week, so tomorrow's gonna hurt!

you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel loquacious?' -- well do you, punk?

[masterrig 1]

I know what you mean! I take a week-end off and Monday is hell! We go to a local joint also. Then, Gold's bought it. Fortunately, the same 'neighborhood' folks go there and we don't have the 'spandex' crowd. Gold's has another place across town where the 'in-crowd' goes.


Chuck