Funny ATC/Pilot Conversations

[stoneycase 0]

OK, so I stole this link from another popular quasi-news website. But it is totally hilarious:

http://freshvideo.blogspot.com/2006/10/funny-conversations.html

Here's my favorite:

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Ha!!! Plenty of other good ones in the list... (the last one, oh my, when i read that, i nearly fell out of the chair...)

Does whisky count as beer? - Homer
There's no justice like angry mob justice. - Skinner
Be careful. There's a limited future in low pulls - JohnMitchell

[freakyrat 1]

This actually happened to me when I was jumpseating out of DFW several years ago on American. This is when Delta still had a viable hub there. This one Delta flight kept missing all of his taxi instructions and the ground control frequency was very busy. The next thing that comes on the radio was as follows. "miss another call and we won't let you use our airport". I was about ready to laugh and no one found out which pilot said this.

Chris

[Rookie120 0]

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Thats my favorite!

If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck!

[stoneycase 0]

haha, yeah...i thought it was funny how many of them were similar in that it was another pilot commenting on the exchange...sometimes, the right words just come to you, and you just can't help it...LOL.

perhaps the last one is the best though..."wasn't I married to you once?" hahahaha!! some big shiny silver one's on that guy...no doubt.

Does whisky count as beer? - Homer
There's no justice like angry mob justice. - Skinner
Be careful. There's a limited future in low pulls - JohnMitchell

[Zing 2]

Whilst flying jumpers at Ghoulidge a number of years ago, a passing airliner called Abq Center to report, "a Twin Beech throwing garbage or something out at 15 grand."
I jumped right on the radio and informed the airliner' "that wasn't garbage, those were bodies."

Zing Lurks

[dharma1976 0]

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Whilst flying jumpers at Ghoulidge a number of years ago, a passing airliner called Abq Center to report, "a Twin Beech throwing garbage or something out at 15 grand."
I jumped right on the radio and informed the airliner' "that wasn't garbage, those were bodies."

now dont you think that should be submitted to one of those sites that has all those ATC conversations thats funny as hell

Dave

http://www.skyjunky.com

CSpenceFLY - I can't believe the number of people willing to bet their life on someone else doing the right thing.

[Calvin19 0]

you guys, sheesh...

At DIA, i would fly my citabria there and land her on the 16000' runway just for fun at 3 am, and when the redeyes would come in i would watch, and on their frequency just before they started to flare i would yell on the radio 'FLARE!', i think it made them mad. but they never noticed.

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big ! fella. W HOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. >From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake Citythe flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of USAirways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from KennedyAirport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New Yorkto Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

-SPACE-

[Peej 0]

This is mine:

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206
clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway
and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where
you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking
up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to
Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944,
but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky

[StreetScooby 5]

Those were great! Thanks for the laugh!

We are all engines of karma

[Stumpy 256]

On a similar note, this one came up a while back but i still like it (its ships rather than planes but hey!)

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Never try to eat more than you can lift

[Kris 0]

Here are some of my faves...
--------------------------------------
In his book," Sled Driver," SR- 71/ Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

"I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (his backseater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace." "Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots" Center replied.

Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered. "We weren't the only ones proud of our groundspeed that day.. as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." "There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty". "Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my backseater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison. "Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer than normal pause.... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots" "No further inquiries were heard on that frequency"

~~~~~~~~~~

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 600 (60,000ft).

The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared...

Sky, Muff Bro, Rodriguez Bro, and
Bastion of Purity and Innocence!™

[JohnMitchell 14]

One day a coworker was working an Aspen flight, another of the SR-71 call signs. He's Mach 3 above 60,000 when he asks for a descent clearance to refuel with his tanker. The controller clears him down to 28,000 feet. As the sled descends out of 50,000 feet, I pointed out to my coworker that he had an Air Canada 737 right in the face of the SR-71 at 35,000 and it wasn't going to work. Now I had heard in a briefing that once those sleds started down and slowed down, they couldn't level out until the the high 20's, but my coworker didn't know this littel tidbit.

Controller;"Aspen71, amend altitude, maintain Flight Level 370."
Aspen71: "Aspen71, unable"
Controller:"Aspen71, say again?"
Aspen71: "Aspen71, unable."
Controller: "Aspen71, what do you mean, unable?"

Long pause . . .

Aspen71, in stark tones "I can't stop. . . ."

At this point I'm kicking the guys chair "Hey, just turn the Air Canada, just turn the Air Canada." A hard 90 degree turn on the poor airliner and the SR-71 slipped by in the night. Those SR-71's are amazing machines, but even they have their limits.

[JohnMitchell 14]

Another day in the control room, I had a tanker scooting through my sector at 28,000 feet, with 6 F-15 fighters in formation, doing a redeployment flight. Suddenly the tanker tells me "One of the F-15's has a fire warning light. He and his wingman are making an emergency descent into Portland (Portland, Oregon Intl. Airport)."

These F-15's are not on radar, not talking to anyone, and are busting down thru 26,000 feet of airliners flying out of Portland to points south. I got out of my chair and ran across the aisle to the low altitude controller and said, pointing on his scope, "You've got a pair of F-15's making an emergency descent into Portland. They're not on radar and they're not talking to anyone." For my troubles I got a "Huh?!?"

I skipped that controller and got Portland approach on the Hot Line, let him know he had some fast movers coming in. Meanwhile, one of the airline pilots on "Huh?"'s frequency gave a classic transmission.
"Those F-15's are too close for missles. I'm switching to guns."

Now the controller is really in the "HUH!?!" mode.

The airline pilot was a cool old hand and explained that a pair of America's finest had just flown right past his wing, going the other way. He hadn't known if the controller had screwed up or what was going on, but just wanted to let us know he had a little bit of "traffic" that shouldn't have been that damn close. Gotta love a pilot like that.

• Quote

[ExAFO 0]

Heard last week in the vicinity of Southern Illinois Airport (KMDH)

C150: Er, um, Cessna 13...erm, Uh...

Tower: "Cessna calling Carbondale Tower, De-Tard and call back later."

Illinois needs a CCW Law. NOW.

[diverdriver 5]

Heard while entering ramp at DEN.

United flight: "Hey who's in charge out here!?"

Ramp control: "Say again?"

United flight: "Yah, we just had a guppy cut us off out here. I thought you said we were to taxi out first."

Another United flight: "Why don't you chill out."

United flight: "What? Oh must be one of them new age pilots."

Other United flight: "Why don't you retire already. You're in my seat."

At which point my CA and I were laughing so hard we about had to stop taxiing because we couldn't see through the tears.

---

Another one.

During a complete shut down of ORD.

Controller: "All aircraft stand by. All departures are shut down. We're trying to work on reroutes and we'll get it done faster if we don't have any calls."

30 seconds later.

Unidentified flight: "Hey, when are the Gipper (GIJ) departures gonna go?"

Controller: "You guys are amazing. I have a 5 year old and 7 year old that listen better than you!"

Unidentified flight: "Somebody needs a nap."

Controller: "Oh no. I just got here. You all have me for the next 2 hours!"

Chris Schindler
www.diverdriver.com
ATP/D-19012
FB #4125

[bch7773 0]

Quote

On a similar note, this one came up a while back but i still like it (its ships rather than planes but hey!)

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

actually i think thats from a commercial. I'd find it hard to beleive a navy task force could mistake a lighthouse for a ship with their advanced radar, and carriers normally don't go within a couple miles of shore (where a lighthouse would be)

MB 3528, RB 1182

[Calvin19 0]

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[carriers normally don't go within a couple miles of shore (where a lighthouse would be)

there are lighthouses to mark places and nav points OTHER than shore, it very well could be a post marking a reef.

-SPACE-

[ExAFO 0]

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Quote

[carriers normally don't go within a couple miles of shore (where a lighthouse would be)

there are lighthouses to mark places and nav points OTHER than shore, it very well could be a post marking a reef.

It's listed as bullshit on Snopes.

Illinois needs a CCW Law. NOW.

[Calvin19 0]

Quote

Quote

Quote

[carriers normally don't go within a couple miles of shore (where a lighthouse would be)

there are lighthouses to mark places and nav points OTHER than shore, it very well could be a post marking a reef.

It's listed as bullshit on Snopes.

i was just pointing out that the shore is not the only place with lighthouses

-SPACE-

[Stumpy 256]

Ah spoilsport - i still thought it was funny

Never try to eat more than you can lift