the bad, "Yes, I know I'm going to hell" joke thread

[unformed 0]

How do you get a hundred babies into a bucket?




With a bucket.





How do you get them out?





Doritos.

This ad space for sale.

[unformed 0]

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definately Willie Nelson!'

This ad space for sale.

[MrFreefall383 0]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive a car?



Because she was a woman.



Why did Helen Keller's dog kill itself?



You would too if your name was "Waaaahhwweeeuuuuhhhh"

"If at first you don't succeed... well, so much for skydiving." - aviation cliche

[shermanator 4]

Why don't black people dream?


Because the last one that did was shot.

CLICK HERE! new blog posted 9/21/08
CSA #720

[yardhippie 0]

What the difference in a bad of Mercedes parts and a bag of hooker parts?




I dont have a bad of Mercedes parts in my garage!




Whats the difference in Jesus and a picture of Jesus?



You only need one nail to hang a picture!


yes, I know, Im going to hell.

Goddam dirty hippies piss me off! ~GFD
"What do I get for closing your rig?" ~ me
"Anything you want." ~ female skydiver
Mohoso Rodriguez #865

[TypicalFish 0]

From the Forum Rules
No jokes about or references to pedophilia. None

"I gargle no man's balls..." ussfpa on SOCNET

[simplyputsi 0]

From the Forum Rules
No jokes about or references to pedophilia. None

Skymama's #2 stalker -

[Amyfiske 0]

How do you get a gay man to fuck your girlfriend?









You shit in her pussy.






(that one's for Cleatus)

[livendive 8]

Just because I haven't been to the Recycle Bin for a few days and this is obviously headed there after a couple of these posts...

Why did God invent women?

So men would have someone to carry their cum to the bathroom.

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[Lindercles 0]

What do you call that useless flap of skin around the vagina?


A woman.

[Richards 0]

I'm sorry but I cannot see the humour in that. It is both disturbing and repulsive that you do.

My biggest handicap is that sometimes the hole in the front of my head operates a tad bit faster than the grey matter contained within.

[unformed 0]

Q: How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?

A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

This ad space for sale.

[Rick 67]

Jesus walks into a motel and slaps 3 nails on the counter and says
















"can you put me up for the night"

You can't be drunk all day if you don't start early!

[NWFlyer 2]

Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other guy.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other bum said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first bum. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other bum said, "No, I never found her head."

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[snowslider 0]

a mexican and a black guy jump of a cliff at the same time, who hits the ground first?

who cares?


What do you call a black person with a pegged leg?

Shit on a stick


what do u call a black priest?

Holy shit


What's the difference between a nigger and a snow tire?
A snow tire doesn't sing when you put chains on it.

[Andrewwhyte 1]

From the Forum Rules
No jokes about or references to pedophilia. None

EDITTED TO REMOVE QUOTED REFERENCE TO PEDOPHILIA

[johnski 0]

2 blonds were walking around in the country one day when they came upon some tracks

The tall blond asked her friend what sort of tracks she thought they were, she looked at them for a while and decided that they were dog tracks. I dont thiks so the tall one said, I think that being in the outback country they have got to be Kangaroo tracks

Then they got hit by the train!!

[snowslider 0]

Q. Why does the bride always wear white?
A. Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.

Q. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A. Nothing, she's been told twice already.

Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what's the bird of true love?
A. The swallow

Q. What are the three fastest means of communication?
A. 1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

[crotalus01 0]

A black guy is walking down the beach and comes across a lamp buried in the sand. Thinking he can maybe pawn it for a few bucks, he picks it up and begins to polish it. Smoke begins to pour from the lamp, and a Genie appears.
"I am the Jewish Genie of the Lamp", his voice booms. "Ask me your two fondest desires and I will grant them!"
The black guy thinks for a second and says, "Okay, first I want to be White, uptight, and outa sight. Second, I want to be surrounded by warm, sweet pussy."

So the Genie turned him into a tampon.







The moral of the story is that you can't get anything from Jews without strings attached......

As for me and my house, we will serve the LORD...

[GravityJunky 0]

A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a realistic tattoo of a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my penis.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'But just out of curiousity why a hundred dollar bill? I've had guys get tats on there dicks before but usually it's the name of their wife or girlfriend, for obvious reasons, but why a hunderd dollar bill.Don't you have a woman in your life'

'Yep, I do. That's one of three reasons for the $100. bill. First of all I like to play with my money. Secondly I like to watch my money grow. And last but not least the next time my wife feels like blowing five hundred dollars in one day, she doesn't have to leave the House!'

*My Inner Child is A Fucking Prick Too!
*Everyones entitled to be stupid but you are abusing the priviledge
*Well I'd love to stay & chat, But youre a total Bitch! {Stewie}

[gjhdiver 0]

From the Forum Rules
No jokes about or references to pedophilia. None

[lawrocket 3]

How did Anna Nicole Smith get so spoiled?
They left her with the coroner too long.

What's the difference between the Hard Rock Hotel and the Hilton?
Anna Nicole Smith wouldn't be seen dead at the Hilton.

Anna Nicole Smith starts working her way up to the Pearly Gates. As she gets to the gates, St. Peter denies entrance and says, "You're fucked. But, it's not like you aren't used to that."

Why hasn't Anna Nicole's body been released by the coroner's office?
Because they found 50 pounds of crack on it.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[lawrocket 3]

Animal jokes?

A man's house burns down late at night and he has no place to stay. Eventually, he sees a farm and begs the farmer to let him have a place to sleep, just for the night. The farmer allows him to stay in the barn, for which the man is grateful.

The next morning at 6:00, the farmer goes into the barn to see the man wide awake. "How'd you sleep, boy?"
The man says, "I didn't sleep a wink. I was talking to your animals. Hey, Mr. Horse, how's that farmer treating you?" The horse replies, "Great!"

The farmer says, "My goodness! A talking horse." The man say, "It's not just your horse. Hey, Mr. Pig. How's the farmer been treating you." The pig says, "Snort. Great! Snort."

At this point the farmer is jumping for joy at the money he can make. The man says, "Hey Mr. Sheep. How's that farmer treating you."

The farmer yells, "THAT SHEEP LIES!!!!"

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[PsychoBob 0]

What did the blind, deaf, crippled kid get for Christmas?



Cancer!

Headed to hell with Hippie.

"I'm not a gynecologist but I will take a look at it"
RB #1295, Smokey Sister #1, HellFish #658, Dirty Sanchez #194, Muff Brothers #3834, POPS #9614, Orfun Foster-Parent?"

[turtlespeed 212]

Quote

What did the blind, deaf, crippled kid get for Christmas?



Cancer!

Headed to hell with Hippie.

I was guessing Herpes -

Can I go with you?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun