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floridadiver81

Am i wrong for being like this??

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OK...heres the situation. Im with a woman that i really think is going to be long term. This being the case im actively engage in her children's lives. One of which is the point of this post. When she has homework she seems to think that my gf and i will do the work for her. I really do not believe in that because its not teaching her to think for herself. Now we have not gotten into a fight over it... just a disagreement. She wants to help her and do a majority of the work for her. I disagree with this. For instance..with her spelling words. Her assignments every other day are to write a sentence containing the spelling word. She would give her a sentence and have her write it. The way i believe in doing this is to have her make up a sentence and then i would help her with any other word that she had trouble spelling. This way she actively uses her brain vice just writing down what my gf tells her.

Another instance. She always makes fun of her 5 year old brother because he is just beginning to grasp to concept of addition and subtraction. This happened just today. She comes to me to help her with simple addition...and when i say simple addition i mean the sum is never more than 15.

Sorry for the lengthy post but i wanted to make sure i covered both sides and not just my own. Am i wrong for trying to teach her to think on her own vice just doing what my gf tells her to do..which in essence is doing her homework for her?

Edited for minor corrections.
"Age has absolutely nothing to do with knowledge, learning, respect, attitude, or personality." -yardhippie
"Fight the air, and the air will kick your ass!!! "-Specialkaye

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Wrong, no I don't think your wrong for acting like this.

Though possibily abnormal.

I was just reading a study a few weeks ago about how people work on helping girls and boys, particularly in math, parents (both men an women) seemed to simply give the answer when the child was a girl.
For boys, the parents were more likley to give a "well what do you think" or, "lets go through the problem" response.

The paper was trying to explain the disparity between men and women in science aptitude.

If you think about it from the kids point of view(girls and boys), if your asking for the answers, and you get them, why are you going to bother thinking about where the answer came from, or what it means.

I think that your gf's behavior is moving the burden of having to think critically off of her daughter.
Now the trick is to explain that to your gf without offending her. :)

Disclaimer: I'm not a parent.

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My wife and I have 2 teenage kids. By trial and error over the years - to put an end to the conflicts over our different approaches to homework-helping - this is what we finally settled on that worked (for us), and it applies to both of us equally:

Only of us is "The Teacher" helping the kid on any given assignment at any given moment. No team-teaching. If I'm The Teacher at that moment, the burden is on me, so I'll do it MY way, and you stay out of it. (But if I do ask you for an occasional suggestion, just offer it up without being a dick.) If you don't like my approach to a lesson, either keep it to yourself, or take over; but if you take over, you're taking over completely, and I'm off the hook.

Applied to you: if your GF is the one helping the kid, and you don't like your her feeding the kid the answers, too bad - she's The Teacher at the moment (plus the fact that she's the kid's parent, and you're not), so either hold your tongue or volunteer to take over. If you take over, assume all Teacher responsibility until the homework assignment is done, and don't bitch about GF lounging on the couch watching "Queer Eye" on TV while you're crouched over the textbook with the kid. But if you volunteer to take over and the GF says no, just back off - without an atty-tood. It's her kid, her decision. By the same token, if you're the one helping the kid, and making the kid try to do the mental work herself, the GF doesn't get to blurt out the answer, or tell you, "Oh, just give her the answer already".

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It's really funny that this is up right now. My husband and I have been going back and forth on the methods being used to help our daughter with her homework. I agree that we should not be "giving" away the answers. However I do think that coaching them to get the answers themselves is acceptable. We just have to make sure that we are also rewarding for a job well done on an assignment. We have to teach them how to come up with the answers but also be confident about making decisions. Some how I can't get this concept through to my hubba.
"not all grief is bad grief, just ask Charlie Brown"

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Split the subjects up between the 2 of you. You stay out of it while he's helping, and he stays out of it while you are.

Caveat - this may not apply if the problem is more than just style or philosophy of teaching. If one of you feels the other parent is being unduly impatient, or verbally abusive, etc. to the kid, that's not a homework issue; it's a co-parenting issue. And that usually works itself out, oh...around the time the kids move out for good. Not always.

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Thank you for the different views and opinions. Due to the work schedules of us both sometimes im home to help them and sometimes she is. One thing i left out is that she is a 9 year old and only in second grade. Her sisters daughter is a year younger and a grade ahead. She needs to start really learning the material now because if she dont and she fails another year and passes the rest she will be prolly the only 20 year old at a high school graduation. The math part isnt that bad at all. Its more along the lines of reading and spelling words.

I know im not the parent but i still do care about her kids(Which that in itself is a rarely occurs nowadays) and i want them to be able to succeed in life without having to depend on other people.
"Age has absolutely nothing to do with knowledge, learning, respect, attitude, or personality." -yardhippie
"Fight the air, and the air will kick your ass!!! "-Specialkaye

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Quote

... i want them to be able to succeed in life without having to depend on other people.



Too close to home, so to speak.

I am divorced and this exact situation was a major contributing factor in it all...different opinions on how to raise our son.

I commend you for trying.
Hopefully there will not come a point in time where a choice has to be made - the girl's growth or your relationship.


My son is 17. He has very little chance of succeeding in life. He is able to do very little for himself. I'm sure his momma is still wiping his ass for him.
My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

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My parents never helped me with my homework... I never asked them. I knew it would take them longer to figure it out than me. I was smarter than them at an early age.:D

Oh and you can't teach a female to think on her own. She can only teach herself that.:D



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Sounds like school isn't really her bag, and she knows it, and it makes her angry. Can you do other educational stuff with her (e.g. read) that might help long-term with school? Maybe help her with writing a diary, or entering a contest for something cool that requires her to write a composition? What is she interested in?

I completely agree that no one should be doing her work for her. But I also agree that this is a fight you should think seriously about before putting it into the relationship.

Wendy W.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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