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freefalle

I hurt on so many levels

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I've never been one to talk openly about my life, but given the anonymous nature of the internet and the fact that most of you have no clue who I am I feel relatively safe sharing with you. My name is Chuck, well, that's the name the people from the state gave me. My real name was Gary Brynes I found that out when I was 26 (how is a long story) my mother gave birth to me when she was 14 I bounced in and out of foster homes most of my life starting at birth My mother overdosed on heroin, while she was working as a prostitute in new york, I was 9 she was 24. My whole life has been a battle for acceptance, love and safety. Things, I have never unconditionally found. Even when surrounded by others I have felt out of place and alone. Somehow throughout my life I have managed to destroy friendships, a marriage, and a job or two. I have caused pain and disappointment to those around me. I can not feel or understand the concept of love and as a result have probably sentenced myself to a life of being alone. I have tried to fill the voids in my life with skydiving and photography. Attempting to bring beauty into my life and the lives of others through my work. I have given most of my life to helping others, EMT, Paramedic, police officer, registered nurse, etc. however, I feel as if I am not giving with all my heart because sometimes I lack compassion because I don't understand the concept. Maybe Im an asshole, maybe Im selfish I don't know.

September 13, 2007 at 0530 hrs I was involved in a car accident. As a result of my involvement in the accident, a man is dead. He hit the side of my vehicle while riding his motorcycle to work. He was 57, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a son, a friend, a retired soldier, by all accounts, he was a good man. His life is over and I am blamed by many for his death. Regardless of who was at fault in the crash, I was involved in the death of another human being and it is destroying me. I have sought help but the nightmares will not stop. I sit alone and think of the people throughout my life who I have hurt and I am ashamed of myself. The worst part of all of it is I try to make good decisions, I try to do the right thing, I try to be a good man and the only thing I am successful at is failing.

I hurt on so many levels and I can't make it stop.

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Chuck, I'm sorry for the pain you are enduring at this time and I doubt anything I write will make it go away, only dealing with it and time will heal the wounds. I would like to encourage you to go and talk to a health care professional or clergy person (whether you believe in a higher power or not) about how you are feeling. Hang in there my friend, you will be all right.
"Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest" ~Samuel Clemens

MB#4300
Dudeist Skydiver #68

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I've never been one to talk openly about my life, but given the anonymous nature of the internet and the fact that most of you have no clue who I am I feel relatively safe sharing with you. My name is Chuck, well, that's the name the people from the state gave me. My real name was Gary Brynes I found that out when I was 26 (how is a long story) my mother gave birth to me when she was 14 I bounced in and out of foster homes most of my life starting at birth My mother overdosed on heroin, while she was working as a prostitute in new york, I was 9 she was 24. My whole life has been a battle for acceptance, love and safety. Things, I have never unconditionally found. Even when surrounded by others I have felt out of place and alone. Somehow throughout my life I have managed to destroy friendships, a marriage, and a job or two. I have caused pain and disappointment to those around me. I can not feel or understand the concept of love and as a result have probably sentenced myself to a life of being alone. I have tried to fill the voids in my life with skydiving and photography. Attempting to bring beauty into my life and the lives of others through my work. I have given most of my life to helping others, EMT, Paramedic, police officer, registered nurse, etc. however, I feel as if I am not giving with all my heart because sometimes I lack compassion because I don't understand the concept. Maybe Im an asshole, maybe Im selfish I don't know.

September 13, 2007 at 0530 hrs I was involved in a car accident. As a result of my involvement in the accident, a man is dead. He hit the side of my vehicle while riding his motorcycle to work. He was 57, a husband, a father, a grandfather, a son, a friend, a retired soldier, by all accounts, he was a good man. His life is over and I am blamed by many for his death. Regardless of who was at fault in the crash, I was involved in the death of another human being and it is destroying me. I have sought help but the nightmares will not stop. I sit alone and think of the people throughout my life who I have hurt and I am ashamed of myself. The worst part of all of it is I try to make good decisions, I try to do the right thing, I try to be a good man and the only thing I am successful at is failing.

I hurt on so many levels and I can't make it stop.

Life sucks and then you die. Man up. Quit your whining and go have a good stiff drink.
I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

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That's a really hard life growing up.... sometimes that can give you a good perspective on life when somebody complains that their life sucks, then shut up when they hear about yours.

Were you at fault in the accident? If not, you can't let it beat yourself up. Hell, beating yourself up whether you were at fault or not isn't good at all. Everybody's human and makes mistakes. I can understand what you're going through since I had a skydiving accident that claimed the life of another skydiver in a canopy collision nearly 11 years ago. Rarely does a week or month go by that I don't think about that. It happened in January 1997, and that set off the busiest skydiving year I've ever had - 350 jumps. I just poured myself into skydiving, it was kind of my therapy. If I sat at home alone just thinking about what happened, it would eat me alive. Thankfully I had many friends that kept me upbeat and watched out for me, and I learned from the accident. Both the deceased and I made turns at the same time that put us on a collision course, so no one could take the sole blame. But yeah I blamed myself for a while.

Motorcycle riding is like playing Russian Roulette out on the busy roads. That man just caught a shitty break and hit you. That's what I think, based on your description.

Seek professional help or clergy. You don't want this pain to continue at that level. Don't think it will ever go away, but you can keep it to a manageable level. Of course, you have friends here as well. So keep in touch.
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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What you don't seem to understand is how much strength it takes to overcome obstacles in our lives. Some have never had major hurdles in life while others are given mountains to climb. You seem to be one of those that was given much to climb, and so far, you have been vigilant in reaching the peak. Although you feel as though you're not giving all you can with your heart, trust me when I say you're giving far more than you think. As an EMT, paramedic, police officer, and others, you're using your knowledge to better the lives of others. Despite your accident on the 13th of September, from what I've read, you've dedicated countless hours to helping others. I don't see how that could be considered selfish at all. You want to feel as though you've made a difference in society and the lives of others. Trust me- You have.

I don't know the details of the accident, but that's why they call it an accident. The happenings that played out on the 13th weren't intentional or planned in any way. That's just the way things worked out. We can't do anything about such things, despite how hard we can try. People always want to find someone to blame for their misfortunes and it sounds like the family of that motorcyclist is no different. Riding a motorcycle is dangerous. Plain and simple. Sometimes it's our actions as riders that put us in danger, sometimes it's not being seen, sometimes it's other drivers on the road, but when we get on that motorcycle, we are accepting that risk. It's the same as exiting that aircraft in skydiving. We know we can die by doing it, but it's an accepted risk we're willing to take for that 60 seconds of pleasure.

You can't please everyone in this world. I've learned this the hard way. I lived in 22 houses and 4 different states by the time I was 17. (No, I wasn't a military brat, my mother just seemed to like to move endlessly.) Always being the new kid, I was always needing to make new friends. You can't be friends with everyone. It's just not possible, regardless of how hard you try. Some people are selfcentered enough that they won't be friends with you because of who you're friends with. There will always be someone out there who doesn't like you for some reason or another. Maybe it's because you're too energetic. Maybe because it's because you're too serious. Who knows... But with that, you have to be able to say "srew 'em" and go on with life.

You feel responsible for a death that is no one's fault. How many others did you possibly save working as an EMT, nurse, police officer or other profession? How many didn't make it, but you helped keep them alive until family could at least make it down to say goodbye. That alone is something to be proud of. Don't let life's misfortunes make you feel like giving up. Keep doing what you're doing. You may not feel like you're helping out much, but from what I've gathered, you're doing a lot more than you think.:)
Blues,

-Gonzo

Some people refrain from beating a dead horse. Personally, I find a myriad of entertainment value when beating it until it becomes a horse-smoothie.

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I think you are holding yourself up to too high of standards. I'm sure all of us have felt out of place or alone at different times in our lives, even amongst friends. We all have caused pain and disappointment in our lives. It doesn't mean you are a bad person, it just means you are human. I also think you're asking too much to want these things unconditionally because that is holding others up to too high of standards.

You do bring beauty to others with your photography. I noticed a picture of yours in Parachutist just the other day and thought it was nice. I was going to send you a pm, but I just got too busy. People notice, Chuck. Sometimes we just don't take the time to send a kind word.

And, if the police haven't charged you for being at fault for the accident, stop blaming yourself. Sometimes accidents just happen. I urge you to talk to a grief counselor. There IS help for you out there, don't be ashamed to use them.

You are a good man. I just told a woman she'd be safe to be alone in a car with you the other day. I wouldn't do that for just anyone. ;)

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

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You cannot change what has happened, only what will happen. A glance back now and then to see how far you've come and what improvements you can make to your path is productive. But if you're obsessed with looking backwards, you're not spending enough time watching where you're going and are unlikely to end up where you want to go.

Blues,
Dave
"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

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You do bring beauty to others with your photography. I noticed a picture of yours in Parachutist just the other day and thought it was nice. I was going to send you a pm, but I just got too busy. People notice, Chuck. Sometimes we just don't take the time to send a kind word.



Chuck,

I still look at the pictures you took of my first AFF jump at Sebastian all the time - without your kindness I wouldn't have pictures of me in freefall - the only skydiving freefall pictures I have. I don't remember how I thanked you - but I'll say it again. Thank you.

I'm very sorry you are hurting - if there is anything I can do to help, please let me know.


Jen
Arianna Frances

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You can't make it stop. But you can learn from it, and remember that you're a good person just as you are. The pain might always be a part of you, but eventually it'll be just that, a part, and not the whole.

Not one of us is perfect. And you started a whole lot lower down the tree than a lot of us did (you sure started with fewer advantages than I did), and look at where you are. Frankly, that's impressive. Your actions are your caring. How you feel is different from how everyone else feels, and no one will describe it the same.

Wendy W.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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Chuck, I am so sorry for your pain. A lot of us are hurting right now, but that hurt compounded with what you were already feeling probably makes it nearly unbearable. You will get through this, I am sure of it. You have your son, hopefully he can bring you some comfort. I really don't know you all that well, but it seems to me like you are a wonderful father, just the way you talk about him. Like someone else said, you must have compassion or else you wouldn't be feeling this way. Accidents happen. A teammate of mine in High School struck and killed a 2 year old child with her car when she was 17. It was on a neighborhood street and the child ran from his mother and their parked car right in front of her. It was a tragic accident. But there is more to life than tragedy. Listen to Skymama, she is one smart lady. ;) People do notice your efforts. I hope you are able to get through this. Please don't be too proud to seek counseling. And know that you are not alone.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}


Enemiga Rodriguez, PMS #369, OrFun #25, Team Dirty Sanchez #116, Pelt Head #29, Muff #4091

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You are a good person, and offer so much to many people, including and most importantly your son. I have had some pretty bad things happen in my life, both by choices I have made and there have been things that I had no control over. I agree with Skymama on the accident, if you have not been charged, its not your fault. I can see how this might be very depressing and hard to deal with. Please seek out grief counseling. There are good services available for people in the medical field. While this may not fall into the exact description of CISD, the grief that came with it does, and the counselors are available for you. Try not ( as hard as it may be) to not focus on the negative. Look at all the blessings that surround you, your son for one and your many many good friends. I have struggled with depression my entire life, and when I am in "self-destruct" mode per se, I drink too much and do things that I later beat myself up for, for a long time. This too shall pass, you might not be able to see the end of the tunnel now, but its there. Your surrounded by friends who love you. We are here for you...

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Oh boy thats tough. I can understand where youre coming from, I lost a friend when we were teenagers. Dont beat yourself up over blame or whatever, accidents are exactly that, accidents. I dont think youll ever get over it but you will eventually learn to live with it, it makes it worse being this time of year. All the best, I mean that. :)

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There has been many times in the past few years I wanted to crawl out of the skin I'm trapped in, Lots of times,, well every time I got noone to blame but my self... So i tightened up and delt with my pain, Told myself this is life and it is what we do.. Yes my friend we FUCK UP,, but Tomorrow is a better day,, sure those feelings will wash up,, but There is a reason a path to your destiny..

Your situation is an incredably hard one... BUT,,, there is nothing you can do to make it right today. just make it a better tomorrow,, cuz the day may that your gonna save my life or somone elses.

You may put the smile on my face that I need.

So I'll say this to you friend.. It takes time, it takes friends, and alot of courage, But help is here.. just ask someone for it..


All the best to you.

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You've got a lot on your plate. It sounds like your dealing with, although its very difficult.

If I was to give advice, try not to piggyback prior problems with this latest issue. It can become too over-whelming and impossible at times to deal with the task at hand.

You've made it this far. Continue to discuss with others you trust.

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Dude those beach jumps last year were awesome. You seemed like a stable person to me. Life's obstacles are stepping stones to help prepare you for greater highs and greater lows.

Try to see the big picture and know that you've mattered to so many people. You've made a positive difference in their lives. Be patient in letting time do it's job. Time's job is to change things.


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Fate has dealt you some shitty cards dude, and you are obviously in a bad place. So drive on. There are better places and to get there all you have to do is keep moving. Step by step, day by day...you"ll get there.

"If you find yourself in Hell, keep going."
--Winston Churchill
_________________________________________
-There's always free cheese in a mouse trap.

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