When does the horrible heartache subside a little?

[Muenkel 0]

I just finished a pm to a friend here on dz.com about this. Many of you know that my lifelong best friend died less than a month ago. We were friends for 37 years. Our families are the best of friends. His mom, my Aunt Connie has always been a 2nd mother to me. She has always been a pillar of strength. She has stayed so close to me since I was so seriously injured 4 years ago. Now I hear a woman in such agony, which adds to the pain tremendously. Sometimes I have acceptance and then I just crash. The millions of memories I have with Mike just race through my head, so much so that I can't sleep well at all. This is the closest death to me in my entire life...I've been fortunate. I know many of you have experienced this. Please, if any of you would be generous enough to share with me on how to get through this. I don't ever want to forget Mike. I believe he is in a better place. I'm just selfish because I want him back.

Thanks for listening. You're good people.

Chris

_________________________________________
Chris

[sartre 0]

Not much helped me but the passage of time. And ups and downs are normal. I'm so sorry Chris. This is a tough time of year to be missing someone.

[grannyinthesky 0]

It's really hard when you lose someone after a lifetime of knowing them, but time helps, eventually. I lost my little brother unexpectedly to cancer two years ago. I still miss him at lot, but the ache is less. Take time to call/see his mom and just be there for her. Share good memories as you can. I wish I had more to offer, but it will get better. Pat

"safety first... and What the hell.....
safety second, Too!!! " ~~jmy

POPS #10490

[SwampThing 0]

Quote

I don't ever want to forget Mike.

And you won't, through you and your memories, he lives on.

Be strong.

The Pessimist says: "It can't possibly get any worse!"
The Optimist says: "Sure it can!"

[Muenkel 0]

Thanks Yvonne, Granny and SwampThing. All of you have different things to say, but you all have helped in your own unique way. Thank you all.

_________________________________________
Chris

[akarunway 1]

Quote

I just finished a pm to a friend here on dz.com about this. Many of you know that my lifelong best friend died less than a month ago. We were friends for 37 years. Our families are the best of friends. His mom, my Aunt Connie has always been a 2nd mother to me. She has always been a pillar of strength. She has stayed so close to me since I was so seriously injured 4 years ago. Now I hear a woman in such agony, which adds to the pain tremendously. Sometimes I have acceptance and then I just crash. The millions of memories I have with Mike just race through my head, so much so that I can't sleep well at all. This is the closest death to me in my entire life...I've been fortunate. I know many of you have experienced this. Please, if any of you would be generous enough to share with me on how to get through this. I don't ever want to forget Mike. I believe he is in a better place. I'm just selfish because I want him back.

Thanks for listening. You're good people.

Chris

A good Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey. Knob Creek. And TIME heals all wounds. SIUCC.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

[sartre 0]

SIUCC?? If someone had said that to me while I was grieving the death of my first husband, I probably would have been moved to violence.

Is this some skydiver thing that I don't understand that makes this an appropriate response to this kind of grief?

[Andrewwhyte 1]

When i have lost those close to me the grief has come in waves, crashing into me, devastating me. It seems I just have time to pull myself together when I am besieged once again. The waves take a long time to lose their intensity, but they do lose their frequency. At first that can be a source of guilt, as an indication that I don't love them as I once did, but in reality it is just a sign of healing.
To paraphrase the litany against fear in Frank Herbert's "Dune":
Grief is the mind-killer.
Grief is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my grief.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the grief has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Letting go is hard, but it is the way of things.

[Shell666 0]

I lost my mom when I was 19. 23 years later it still hurts. But in a different way.

You'll never "get over" the loss. But I've learned to deal with it. The best I can. I hope you can too.

I'll ALWAYS miss my mom, but I'll always remember what I had with her. And when people ask me about her, I still cry when I tell then what she was like and how I lost her.

That's all I can tell you.

It's not easy. It's life. And death. And it sucks. Just remember them for what they were to you. That's what I do.

Sorry. Probably not much help.

But thanks for making me think about my mom and smile about her.

'Shell

[ladydyver 0]

Interestingly enough Doc and I were talking about this sort of thing last night - His mom passed away 5 years ago today and it seems that right about this time of year we talk about his loss and how devastating it was to him. It has gotten better over time but it is something that he carries with him all of the time. Before she passed I wrote her a letter thanking her for her role in making him the man that he is.....and that she will live on in him. Kind of philisophical for me I know but, you will always carry him with you and you will find closure in your own time. hang in there and lots of hugs to you.

DPH # 2
"I am not sure what you are suppose to do with that, but I don't think it is suppose to flop around like that." ~Skootz~
I have a strong regard for the rules.......doc!

[Jewels 0]

Grieving for me was a little bit like living with a stranger watching my every move. The grief never went away; it might recede and fade into the background, but it was always there. Days that I thought should be difficult might be somewhat normal, and days that I thought were nothing special turned into days that felt irrational and out of control.

I was changed in the process. I don't mean that I was hurt beyond recovery, but I was still never the same. Something fundamental changed in an instant and there was no going back. I wish there had been a process of recovery that I could recommend but, frankly, sometimes it's just a matter of willing yourself to take the next step and live in the next moment. It WILL get better. You'll never lose the memories and it may be that you can always recall just a bit of the pain, but you will be able to smile again; to feel "normal" again. Be patient. It will come. In the meantime, it's okay to grieve. The wound is new. A loss as deep as this one doesn't disappear quickly, but you will learn to live with it in a way you can manage.

TPM Sister #102

[newbloomer 0]

My heart hurts so much for you. There is no pain in life like that of death. There is nothing that I found but time that eases it. I can only say what helped me a little when my dad died. I wrapped myself in everything that I could that reminded me of him or that he loved. I wouldn't listen to any other music other than what he liked. I took up his hobbies. I read his books. Everything I did was what he would have done. I know that sounds crazy but it made me feel closer to him, like he was still here. Eventually I went back to my stuff too, but I still do those things some times to make him be with me. But honestly, even then I can't believe it's real that he is gone and I prefer it that way. I am sorry for the loss you are feeling. Don't let the essence of your friend slip from your life.

"not all grief is bad grief, just ask Charlie Brown"

[wmw999 2,120]

Keep sharing memories, keep talking about him, and know that by talking about him with his mother you're helping her enormously.

Also, remember that even since he's died there have been good moments. They'll come back, and you have to know that when you're in the middle of a bad time. The good moments will come back.

You're a good guy, Chris, and a real value-add to dz.com. Mike was lucky to have a friend like you.

Wendy W.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Bolas 5]

Quote

SIUCC.

I wish I'd never learned this phrase.

Chris -

Grieve, cry, get angry, break stuff, laugh, smile, whatever emotion you feel.

Just remember one thing: Nothing you do will change what happened, so logically, it's pointless. Until you accept that, it's hard to move on.

Best thing you can do is just remember the good times, the fun you had. Crazy things you did. Share some hell you raised with his mother she might not know you two did.

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

[lisamariewillbe 1]

Its been almost two years since my brothers murder, its not any better but its different. Pains still there, acceptence isnt. However, time does help a bit as hard as it is to admit that. Tears become less, and sometimes I smile when I remember him.

The loss will always be there, and there is no time frame you must adhere to on your grief or period of mourning. Advice I would give is to let it out. Holding the pain in doesnt help. Anger, grief, sadness, its all part of the process.

Holidays seem to make it harder, and esp so for me because I lost my brother on xmas eve, this year I bought a special ornament that reminds me of him and it was first on the tree and it will be last off. Also to help my siblings I put all our childhood vhs tapes on a dvd since I had the only copy. Both actions have helped me and I hope it helps those I love. Maybe you can do something small like that to remember your friend and share it with his family?

Sudsy Fist: i don't think i'd ever say this
Sudsy Fist: but you're looking damn sudsydoable in this

[Muenkel 0]

Thanks again folks.

Like I said, my mind just races with memories. Many times I find myself laughing out loud from one of a million memories.

I know the grief doesn't fully go away. My paternal grandfather was killed 55 years ago. He was a pedestrian and hit by a car. My dad was only 20 at the time. While my dad is not consumed in grief today, he did tell me that there is always an ache in him.

I wish you all and all your loved ones a great holiday season.
My best,
Chris