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mamajumps

FBI Job Opening

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The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instruction, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"The gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Moral:
Women are evil.
Don't mess with them.

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Two men were hiking when they ran up on a mama bear and her cub. Mama went in to full protect mode and started chasing the hikers. One of the men stopped, kicked off his boots and grabbed running shoes from his backpack. His friend yelled, "What are you doing, you can't outrun a bear."
His friend answered, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."
You are only as strong as the prey you devour

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Two men were hiking when they ran up on a mama bear and her cub. Mama went in to full protect mode and started chasing the hikers. One of the men stopped, kicked off his boots and grabbed running shoes from his backpack. His friend yelled, "What are you doing, you can't outrun a bear."
His friend answered, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun you."

:D:D:D:D:D

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I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

'Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me.'

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, 'Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?'

'No!' she said in a loud whisper. 'The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car.'
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

'Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me.'

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, 'Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?'

'No!' she said in a loud whisper. 'The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car.'



Oh good grief Billy.....:D:D

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I was feeling really depressed to I called the hot line. It was answered by a call center in Pakistan. When I said I felt suicidal they asked if I knew how to drive a truck.
"Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy

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I was feeling really depressed to I called the hot line. It was answered by a call center in Pakistan. When I said I felt suicidal they asked if I knew how to drive a truck.



:D:D:D:D:D
My biggest handicap is that sometimes the hole in the front of my head operates a tad bit faster than the grey matter contained within.

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I was feeling really depressed to I called the hot line. It was answered by a call center in Pakistan. When I said I felt suicidal they asked if I knew how to drive a truck.



I thought Walt would be answering the hot line! :o:D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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I was feeling really depressed to I called the hot line. It was answered by a call center in Pakistan. When I said I felt suicidal they asked if I knew how to drive a truck.



I worked on the Samaritans hotline for one night, but they fired me when all five of my callers committed suicide.

They said they wouldn't have minded, but two of them were wrong numbers.
Do you want to have an ideagasm?

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A man walks into a store says to the clerk, "I'd like a pair of red shoes, a white shirt, a pair of red pants, and a red & white hat."

The clerk looks at him and shakes his head saying, "You must be an Alabama fan!"

The man proclaims with pride, "How could you tell, was it the color scheme!"

The clerk looks at him and says "No, this is a hardware store."










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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What the heck, in keeping with the spirit of not posting new threads, I'll just add to the joke parade in this one... ;)

Don't know if this really happened or not but:

At a high school in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let 3 goats loose in the school. Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats..1-2-4. Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

:D

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"


"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change"Y" to "I" and add 'es'."
:ph34r:

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I totally love that joke!!! I have that saved in my old emails from back when someone emailed me that!!1


HILARIOUS!!! :D:)


CReW Skies,
bubbles

"Women fake orgasms - men fake whole relationships" – Sharon Stone
"The world is my dropzone" (wise crewdog quote)
"The light dims, until full darkness pierces into the world."-KDM

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I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

'Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me.'

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, 'Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?'

'No!' she said in a loud whisper. 'The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car.'



Oh good grief Billy.....:D:D


Blondes.:|
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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