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BillyVance

Friday funny

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Feel free to add your jokes... :)

The mental hospital

I was walking past the mental ward in Winchester the
other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13...13....13...13."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little
gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some butthead poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting. "14...14...14...14....".
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

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Two Irish gals are walking to their cars after work and are getting ready to meet up with their boyfriends.

As they are walking, their bf's approach and one guy has a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

One girl looks at the other and sighs and complains "Oh gosh, he's got flowers again!! You know what this means!"

And the other girl says "Awww it's so sweet of him to get you flowers, but why are you so aggravated"

"Well, it means that my legs are gonna be all up in the air again this weekend"

So the other girl responds "why, don't you have a vase?" :o
heehee

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was in Tesco the other day buying a large bag of Pedigree
for my dog and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no,
I was starting The Pedigree Diet again, although I probably
shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time,
but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was
totally believing it. I told her that it was an easy,
inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your
pockets or handbag with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.
The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line
was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned
me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said "No..... I was sitting in the street licking my arse when a car hit me".

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.
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" Cant keep a good woman down "
Angels have wings, but devils can fly !

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A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small," $6,500 for "medium," $14,000 for "large." The doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"

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ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That has to be the funniest story ever... Can't stop laughing!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
“The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.” - George Bernard Shaw
He who dies with the most toys, wins.....
dudeist skydiver # 19515
Buy quality and cry once!

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"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"



>:(>:(>:(>:(>:(

Fucking awesome!

:D:D:D:D:D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Best Come Back Line Ever


The person who sent me this said it was recently in the Seattle Paper .. The title of the article was 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

In summary, the police arrested Robert Aylor, 59+ year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.

On Monday, at the County courthouse, Aylor was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated in a telephone interview.

Aylor went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged 'need.' 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Aylor failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Mr. Aylor and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Aylor.

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said...


'A pumpkin? ..... Sh*t...is it midnight already?
```````````````````````````````````
" Cant keep a good woman down "
Angels have wings, but devils can fly !

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Come on....you don't honestly believe stories like like that do you? Oh yeah a friend sent it to you on the wonderful thing called the "internet"..... so it must be true! ;)

http://www.snopes.com/risque/caught/pumpkin.asp



DUH thats part of the joke you plonker lmao
```````````````````````````````````
" Cant keep a good woman down "
Angels have wings, but devils can fly !

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