Those little yellow and black striped shit fuckers

[BillyVance 34]

Last Thursday while mowing the yard on my tractor, I apparently ran over a hole inhabited by yellow jackets. It was right at the edge of a sinkhole overgrown with brush and brambles. Some of you read a few weeks ago that I got my tractor stuck on the edge of this sinkhole, almost falling in, and while trying to get it pulled out, got stung once on my thumb. That was on the other side of the sinkhole from where the nest is.

Well, this time, I was driving up and down the slope to and from the edge of the sink hole when I got stung on the back of my right hand. These little shit fuckers's stings hurts like a motherfucker. I swatted at it, then got stung on my left forearm, then on the back of my right upper arm near the armpit. "Goddamn it!" I yelled, jumping off the tractor with its engine still running and flailing my arms at the little fuckers. In the process, I knocked my glasses off. They fell on the ground directly in the path of the tractor that was slowly starting to roll downhill. I frantically tried to reach over the other side of the seat to push the throttle forward, but the engine had already quit as the seat sensor disengaged it when I jumped off.

By then I had gotten 3 more stings, on the outside of my right elbow, left triceps, and left pectoral muscle. The tractor had just rolled over my glasses and I just yelled "FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" And took off screaming "FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU!" after every sting.

Let me tell you, those motherfuckers will chase you more than 100 yards. I also got stung three times within a square inch on my right shoulder blade right where I couldn't reach back there, by the same little motherfucker, no doubt. Yellow jackets can sting as many times as they want. Bees sting just once and die.

Just when I thought it was over, no stings for a minute or so, and was walking to my garage, I got stung on the back of my right calf. "GODDAMN IT, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE YOU FUCKING LITTLE CUNTS!!!!" I also narrowly averted another sting when I crushed one little cunt sitting on the front of my shirt trying to dig through the fabric when it wasn't directly on my skin.

It was nearly sundown so I left the mower out there. Fuck it. Doing some damage assessment, I noticed the back of my right hand, where the first sting was, had swelled up to where you couldn't see the veins or bones. The other stings had red welts of varying sizes, as small as a quarter, to as big as a rounded off dollar bill on the left forearm, which was weird.

That evening, every sting location felt as if I had been burned by a lit cigar and the pain would not go away. I was miserable. Friday morning the next day, the pain was still there, but not as sharp, and each sting had morphed into somewhat of a whitehead, without the bump, and the skin was still red around them. The right hand was still swollen.

I was still pissed off at those motherfuckers. How dare they? Fucking pricks! I took my gas can, a 5 foot long stick, an old rag, and a lighter out there. After checking the mower to make sure there were no yellow jackets on it, I started it up and moved it back to the garage. Then I wrapped the rag around the stick, soaked it in gasoline, poured gasoline around the perimeter of the sinkhole as well as into the hole the yellowjackets were living in, lit the rag on the stick, and touched the flaming stick to the sinkhole. FOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!!!! I had a raging inferno soaring 30 feet high.

It was glorious! "Burn in hell you cunt motherfuckers," I muttered.

Today, all I've got left on my body is the dark pinpoints where the stings were, and some are still a little tender, but otherwise, I'm good, and my temporary relapse of Tourette's Syndrome seems to be over.

Oh, and Andy Copland, mosquitoes??? Big deal, wuss.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[millertime24 8]

Somehow I pictured you as one of those cartoon characters running around the yard with a cloud of bee's chasing you.

Did the "flame on" trick kill them all? Ive also heard of people putting on 2 pair of jeans and going out there with a weed-whacker and just letting it run full throttle 1" above the hole.

Muff #5048

[iluvtofly 0]

Is any of this on tape?

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

Did the "flame on" trick kill them all? Ive also heard of people putting on 2 pair of jeans and going out there with a weed-whacker and just letting it run full throttle 1" above the hole.

I went back yesterday to check out the sinkhole, and there were still a few of those little cunts flying around. I see another fireball in the near future. I just need to go refill the gas can.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

Is any of this on tape?

You wish!

Edited to add: The best news is that my glasses fell in just the right place, a little depression in the ground so the tires didn't crush them at all. Wipe them off, and put them back on, as if it was nothing. Whew! I'd hate paying $250 for a new pair.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[millertime24 8]

Carburator cleaner works exeptionally well. You get the kind that comes with that little red tube that goes on the nozzle set up a lawn chair about 35-40 ft from the hole and blast em' as they come out. They will only continue to fly for about 3 sec if you hit them directly with the cleaner. Then they will suffer a slow and painfull agonizing death.

Also, it might be a good idea to get a cooler full of beer as after the first bee you kill your going to want to stay out there doing it for some time. Paybacks a bitch little fuckers!!!

Muff #5048

[Andy_Copland 0]

I take my hat of to you Sir

1338

People aint made of nothin' but water and shit.

Until morale improves, the beatings will continue.

[guppie01 0]

I'm so sorry Billy... that there just made me laugh my ass off!!!

Ya know the yello jacket spray at home depot kills those lil fuckers sight on scene! Although the fire bomb does seem like alot more fun!!!

g

"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?"
Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU
OMG, is she okay?

[mnealtx 0]

Anyone else have a mental pic of Billy going "Fire Fire Fire" like Beavis/Butthead?

Mike
I love you, Shannon and Jim.
POPS 9708 , SCR 14706

[DangerRoo 0]

that was a great story, I too saw the cartoon picture of him running around with a bad case of teretts, then as beavis doing the fire dance

awh billy, you crack me up!! glad your doing better, and your glasses werent smooshed, but damn you make for great comic relief!!!

(I.C.D#2 VP)
""I'm good with my purple penis straw" ~sky mama

[Sebazz1 2]

Met a vine grower in Paso Robles a couple of years back and he told me how he had flooded these gopher holes with propane. He was at his wits end with the gophers. Well when he lit the hole after flooding them, woooosh!! Flames apparently went zipping through these gopher tunnels frying evrything in its path. Well the fire department had been called to put out a grass fire about a 1/2 mile from his property. His neighbour said a fire ball just shot out of the ground. he confessed when he heard about it... It's funny now anyway

[skycurlycat 0]

LMAO!!! Man, you crack me up Billy. Hope yo uget rid of all those lil fuckers! I HATE BEES so I know I'll hate those even more...

Note to yourself...next time you're going against those fuckers, have the wifey from a distance shoot some video of the whole ordeal Maybe it'll show up on America's Home Funniest show sometime

Hope the stings aren't too bad and they stop stalking you!

-Cat

PMS #113
PMTS #19

[DougH 270]

I hear you Billy.

I was packing up my camera gear yesterday when one landed on my face and stung me in the corner of my eye!

"The restraining order says you're only allowed to touch me in freefall"
=P

[porpoishead 5]

right on billy get those motherfuckers..

I remember my grandfather got his ass whipped in a similar fashion when he tractored over a hornets nest/hole in the ground. they fucked him up. it ended about the same too, big ass fireball on the property.

if you want a friend feed any animal
Perry Farrell

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

This was the funniest shit I've read all day. And I hate those little cocksuckers, too!

I always get a huge bite site reaction.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[happythoughts 0]

YJs love rotting vegetation. It is popular to rake oak leaves into piles around azaleas. A few inches of leaves is a prime area.

If you run over the nest with a lawn mower, they become really offended. It is kinda cool watching them fling out of the mower, but it doesn't seem to damage them. They become a little madder.

Many times, the next has a main exit and one smaller one.

I like to hose down both exits with lighter fluid and torch it. Later, I poke around it with a shovel.

[curlyhairedgirl 0]

Didn't you know your supposed to yell Bob SAgett!! when getting stung?

http://www.spike.com/video/tourettes-guy/2711134

I'm keeping in touch with my own reality.

[longtall 0]

FUCKING YELLOWJACKETS !
FUCKING OVERGROWTH !
FUCKING TOURETTES !
FUCK !!!!!!

" 90 right, five miles then cut."---Pukin Buzzards

[Slowfaller 0]

Mix up some bleach and ammonia and in the words of the blentec blender guy, "Oh wasp killing smoke, don't breathe this". That'll teach 'em.

--"Someday you will die and somehow somethings going to steal your carbon" -MM

[BillyVance 34]

I forgot to mention that this isn't the only time I've been attacked by a swarm of yellow jackets.

The year was 1976. I was 9 years old, playing outside in the landscaped side yard with a stick in my hand. I noticed those yellow and black cocksuckers flying in and out of a hole in the ground. I didn't know what they were, and stupidly started poking the stick into the hole. You know what happened next. I started screaming and instinctively made a bee-line for the back door of my parents' house and ran inside, with the cocksuckers in hot pursuit. As soon as I got to the kitchen via the utility room, my parents saw what was going on, and started the process of swatting the little bastards. They were hitting me almost as hard as if they were spanking me for being bad. I was already crying. waaaaSLAPaaSLAPaaaSLAPaaSLAPPITYaaSLAPaaa!!!

When it was all over, they started counting all the stings. The final tally was 23 stings on me, 4 on dad and 3 on mom, bless their hearts. I spent the rest of the day laid up on the couch, slathered in that pink calamine lotion. It was a pitiful sight.

I'm nearly 41 years old now and still remember that day like it was yesterday. I hate those little fucking cocksuckers.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban