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How do I tell my son

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How do I tell my son that his grandfather is dying... cancer with at best a few months left - its definately terminal. Conner is 6 yrs old and I honestly dont know how to tell him, my brain is locked atm I just got the news earlier today.

Roy
They say I suffer from insanity.... But I actually enjoy it.

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sorry to hear that Roy.
But just tell him, explain the Poppy is real sick and will not be alive much longer, and take him to see his granddad and allow them to say goodbye to each other
You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

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I'm really sorry, that's tough news. My grandfather died of cancer when I was 7. My parents didn't tell me he'd died and I found out from a cousin (also 7) a day later. I was absolutely furous with my parents for not telling me and I can assure you, that is not the way I would have chosen to find out. Good luck, it's a difficult thing to do but a necessary one.

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take him to see his granddad and allow them to say goodbye to each other



+1

I'm very sorry to hear that. It can't be easy.

I was 20 at the time so it was way different but my Grandma passed away. She had strokes. I'm very glad I saw her before she completely stopped responding. My little cousin was like 3 and as stupid as this sounds you could tell he knew something was wrong. Whenever he would look at her he would get kind of an almost worried look. Point being he'll probably understand something is wrong and IF he remembers it when he gets older, he'll be glad he got to be with him in the end.

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Tell him the truth in simple terms.
Don’t do as my mother did!!!!

When I was about 4 years old my grandfather committed suicide by connecting a hose to the exhaust of his car.
Of course I was way too young to grasp this by then. Later on when I wondered how he died all I ever heard was that he worked himself to death. I always had a feeling that there was more to it than what I was told, especially since the subject of the discussion always changed immediately after this explanation.

I didn’t found out until I was 17 or 18 when I asked my uncle straight out about this.
He was actually a bit shocked that my mom and grandmother never told me the truth.

I was furious about being lied to and to tell the truth this is something that has affected the relationship between me and my mom quite bad.
“The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.” - George Bernard Shaw
He who dies with the most toys, wins.....
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was furious about being lied to and to tell the truth this is something that has affected the relationship between me and my mom quite bad.



Now that you've identified THAT problem, go fix it.
she wont be alive for ever,either.

Roy,
First thing you have to do is be strong.
Take a few days to get YOUR head together then, talk with your child.
Be prepared for a thousand innocent questions and for tears. (yours and theirs)

My opinion is that you shouldn't become a blubblering idiot in front of your child but its ok if he sees you cry a few tears. DISCLAIMER: I dont have kids. So take this as you like.

You are his world. If you crumble he will too.
Explain to him the his grandfather is going to pass away. If you are religious you can use that explanation but be careful not to make you son think that God can call you home tomorrow if he wants.
I'n not religious so I would explain that grandpa is old and he's sick. (be sure that he doesn't think grandpa has a cold but you dont have to explain cancer yet)
This gives your son a basic understanding of it.
Your son may start questioning his mortality.
Be prepared to tell him that you'll be sure he is well and protected etc.


Good luck with your discussion but you HAVE TO tell him.

Be Brave and speak to him.
If you go in with your wife you two should sit down and pratice the conversation first. ONly to avoid confusing him. If you two are on the same page and aren't making things up he'll understand better.
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Man, you have to tell him the truth...i can`t tell you exactly what to say, it`s up to you as long as you tell him the truth.
My mom died of cancer 11 years ago when i was a kid, and she told me that this is the part of the life...the last word she told me when i held her hand when i sit next to her bed was... "there is no guaranty what happen, life is short..LIVE IT!!" i still live by those word my mom told me..

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Whatever you do, don't lie to the kid. My parents told me lies as a kid and I didn't know I was lied to until I was in my late teens. It really really pissed me off and made me start to question what else they lied to me about.

These weren't small lies either. BIG lies.

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I'm very sorry you're going through this.
From a fellow parent (and former kid): First of all, you're Connor's dad. Only you and his mom best know whether, at age 6, he can handle being told that at all prior to your dad's passing. If you decide that he's better off not knowing ... and anticipating ... in advance, and that you think you should wait until your dad passes, and then just tell him that grandpop passed from cancer, then trust your own judgment. Obviously this is easier to do if you live farther away from your dad and Conner doesn't see him often, than it would be if Connor sees him regularly. (Of course I don't know which is the case.)

Now let's say you do decide to prepare him in advance. Again, use your judgment as the parent. Connor's only 6. You know him best. Just because the adults know how sick your dad is, doesn't (necessarily) mean that Connor needs to know it immediately, too. There's nothing wrong with waiting a while until your dad's illness becomes more visible - if that's what your own parental judgment tells you is best.

Finally, let's say you do decide to tell him now. Don't let other people's personal or cultural biases make you second-guess yourself. If other people (aside from Connor's mom) tell you to wait, but your best judgment as the dad tells you to do it now, follow your own judgment.

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Tell him what is happening. I was about that age, maybe a couple years older, when My grandpa died of soome nasty nasty bone cancer. He originally had 3 months, lived 6. We used that time to spend time with him, and enjoy the time we had. I will never forget the week that he came to town, picked me up, and had a rode trip to his place in vegas. one of the best memories in my life. We stopped off the freeway, I collected some gun shells. haha. *put those in his coffin*, and found the most favorite place in my life.. Red Rock Canyon.

Tell him what is happening,
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Sorry your family is having to go through this.

I echo what the others said. Be truthful at the level he can understand.

I was 7 and my family went to see my grandmother in the hospital. They left me alone in a room while they went to see her, citing something about not wanting me to remember her with tubes everywhere, and while I was in there the clergyman and some other family members came in and I remember him telling them if she didnt make it through the night to call him. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out. I never told them what I heard but asked my mother that evening when we got home if my grandmother would die - she said no. She did pass away that evening and I never trusted anything my mother said after that. Being seven, I did wonder what 'tubes' they were talking about because I never saw any in/on her in the casket - I just figured it was another lie.

One thing firmly ingrained in my mind was my big, strong, stoic uncle who actually broke completely down in tears and had to be carried away from the casket. While it was shocking to see, it was also nice to see TRUE emotion and not all the fake crap everyone was showing (yes, at 7 I could tell). I never saw him cry ever again, but I did learn that day he was human and had a LOT more respect for him because of it.
Life is not fair and there are no guarantees...


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Be open and honest with your son, he might not understand the full extent of what your saying, but in time he will be thankful you did. He is about to loose a significant member of the family, let him share time with his grandfather knowing it's close to the end.

I had parents who lied to me about who my actual grandfather was, and even to this day my father refuses to talk about it, so to many other lies and miscommunication, it has resulted in a very distant approach I have towards my entire family unit.

Lots of hugs and lots of understanding for your son goes along way

Better never to have met you in my dream than to wake and reach for hands that are not there.

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Mom of 4 here and we recently went through a favorite teacher dying of cancer and a beloved pet which we had to put down.

6 is right on the cusp of fully getting the concept of what death really means. Our son is just a month shy of 6 and understood intellectually that the cat was going to die, but didn't really get it emotionally until we actually buried her. Don't be troubled if he doesn't seem sad when he is told about things that will happen soon. He might understand the words, but not the implication.

One of the biggest things to keep in mind is that time works very differently for kids of that age. A few months is a huge amount of time to them. I would wait until closer to talk about death unless the child asks.

They also personalise everything. Make sure you explain that they can't get sick from seeing or touching grandpa and that cancer is not the same as a cold. Let them know that the sad, confused, angry, or helpless felings are normal and talk about how you feel. Let them know that the pain of the feelings is difficult, but will soften with time.

Understand that they may know words like sickness, contagious, and death but not be clear on the full meaning.

~Cindy~
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
Spelling and grammar errors are left as an exercise for the reader.

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Roy,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am not going to add anything at this point as you have gotten a lot of great advice, other than to say take care of your own emotional needs as well.....just wanted to offer you hugs and to remind you that you have a lot of people around you who will be there for you if you need them. Just let us know and keep us posted[:/].

DPH # 2
"I am not sure what you are suppose to do with that, but I don't think it is suppose to flop around like that." ~Skootz~
I have a strong regard for the rules.......doc!

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My heart truly goes out to you.

I think that you and Grandpa need to talk about it first - talk with him about what to say to Conner. Remember, Grandpa has another generation's worth of wisdom on you so take advantage of it. The two of you may want to tell Conner together.

Regardless of anything else - you have to tell him the truth. The 6 year old truth. Meaning that you don't have to try to explain precisely what cancer is unless you think that he can grasp the concept. Not telling him all of the details is not the same thing as lying to him. You tell him the truth on a level he can understand and as he gets older, he will learn more and you will tell him more.

Please, no matter what, do not wait until Grandpa has died to tell your son. That is cruely unfair.

It is okay to say to your children "I don't know" and "I don't understand it either" and things like that. When I experienced the death of a family member for the first time as a child, I was 6 years old. Unfortunately for my parents - as far as how to gently explain death to a young child goes - I actually witnessed the deaths of my Uncle and Cousin (nasty car accident) so my parents had a tough job explaining that.

I honestly don't remember what they said to me regarding what death is or why or any of that. What I do remember like it was yesterday and not 30 years ago is my dad crying. It strangely made me feel better. I also clearly remember asking him "Is there really a Heaven and a God and do you really go there when you die?" and him, a very religious man, replying "Baby, I hope so. No one but God knows for sure but I hope so."
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be happy to do it for you.
****************************
Be like the cupcake and suck it up.

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i'm sure its already been said by everyone else already but BE HONEST. kids understand so much more than you think, as i'm sure you know since you have one. try and come up with a way to explain what cancer is in terms that a 6 yr old can understand, but that won't scare him. i wish my parents had done that for me....they left everything so vague and mysterious that i think it scared me more!

also, since you do have a bit of time left, see if you can come up with ways to create some final memories that your son will have of his grandpa. make a photo album, a video message for your dad, etc...it really helps with the grieving process, even at a young age. good luck, and my heart goes out to you.
Oh Canada, merci pour la livraison!



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My opinion is that you shouldn't become a blubblering idiot in front of your child but its ok if he sees you cry a few tears. DISCLAIMER: I dont have kids. So take this as you like.

It can be hard to keep that stiff upper lip all the time. My kids have seen me cry . . . hard. They were too. It's all okay.

Roy, just tell him the truth, and let him know that you feel sad about it too. Reassure him and comfort him as much as you can. Grieve together. Be open to his emotional responses. Don't be surprised if he takes it okay. Young children can be amazingly resilient. Be ready for follow-up discussions on sickness, mortality, growing old, etc. It's amazing how well honesty works.

Sorry about your dad. I hope you get to spend a lot of time with him in the next few months.

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Roy, I am so sorry to hear this.

My Grandfather passed of cancer when I was 17. I'm lucky that my Mom and entire family was included in his life, and his illness. My Mom and I did not get a chance to see my Grandfather before he passed (we were trying to get back to the States from Japan), this was the most heartbreaking part - not being able to say goodbye.

Give yourself and Conner time to visit with him (if possible), be honest with your feelings - it's okay to hurt, and remember those things that made his life beautiful!

Much love to you!!!!
Gia
"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?"
Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU
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Thanks everyone for the support.

Last night I couldnt get my mind to quit running in circles enough to even think straight.
I agree he needs to know, I am just dreading sitting down and telling him.


Thanks again;
Roy
They say I suffer from insanity.... But I actually enjoy it.

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Talk to the people at your dad's oncologist. They usually have support groups for both the patients and the families. Those groups were a big help for my Mom and me. They would also probably have good suggestions for telling your son.
Lots of good suggestions here, I would just be repeating what everyone else said.
I lost my dad to lung cancer 3 yrs ago this coming Christmas. It really hurts. The acceptance and healing takes time.
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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I would second the opinion of looking for a book that is age-appropriate to assist in the discussion. I helped a friend of mine pick out some books on cancer for her 6 year old daughter, as she was just diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and had a double mastectomy.

There are a BUNCH of books for this age group that discuss cancer, I was surprised! Take a look on Barnes & Nobles or Amazon...

And don't forget that you might need some help, too. God bless you and I'll pray for you and your family tonight.
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

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