joke(s) of the day

[homer 0]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry in his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

CSA #699 Muff #3804

[homer 0]

And another


JUAN AND JOSE WORKED TOGETHER IN AN EL PASO CLOTHING FACTORY AND WHEN BOTH WERE LAID OFF,
THEY WENT TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE TOGETHER.
WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, JUAN SAID 'PANTY STITCHER;
I SEW ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES.'
THE CLERK LOOKED UP 'PANTY STITCHER' AND IT
WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM
DOWN FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.
SHE ASKED JOSE HIS OCCUPATION, AND HE SAID,
'DIESEL FITTER,' WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB.
SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK.
WHEN JUAN FOUND OUT, HE WAS FURIOUS! HE STORMED BACK
INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT WHY HIS COWORKER GOT TWICE
THE MONEY.

THE CLERK EXPLAINED, 'PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED LABORERS,
AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABORERS.'
'WHAT SKILL?' YELLED JUAN
'I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES, AND JOSE
PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS,
'DIESEL FEETTER!!!!'

CSA #699 Muff #3804

[homer 0]

Getting into the holiday spirit


What If Santa Wrote Back......?


deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,
BiLLy


*Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I give you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa**

**Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah **
**

**Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa**
**

**Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy** **
**

**Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?
Santa**
**

**/Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis/**
**

**Dear Francis,
Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? I giving you a doll instead because I bet you're gay.
Santa**
**

**Dear Santa ,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan* *
**

**Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam. *

*Santa **
**

**/Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas/**
**

**Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made by little kids like you in China . Every year I give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table.
Santa*

*P.S.*
*Tell your mom she got the part.*




*Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica
**

**Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa** **
**

**Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy**

**Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.
Santa
**

**Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky**

**Mark,
First, stop calling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa*

CSA #699 Muff #3804

[DougH 270]

Thanks! Bad day today but that was a nice break from reality.

"The restraining order says you're only allowed to touch me in freefall"
=P

[JohnDeere 0]

Thanks for the jokes!

Nothing opens like a Deere!

You ignorant fool! Checks are for workers!

[monkycndo 0]

Nice joke.

Now that all jokes about blonds, any ethnic group, any age group or political party are considered off limits, it is open season on monkeys.

Go pick on some other beast that actually deserves it.

Like cows.


*waits for Lisah to rip me a new one*

50 donations so far. Give it a try.

You know you want to spank it
Jump an Infinity

[d_squared431 0]

Quote

Nice joke.

Now that all jokes about blonds, any ethnic group, any age group or political party are considered off limits, it is open season on monkeys.

Go pick on some other beast that actually deserves it.

Like cows.


*waits for Lisah to rip me a new one*

TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1
I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH
You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly

[Andy_Copland 0]

Amazing

1338

People aint made of nothin' but water and shit.

Until morale improves, the beatings will continue.

[Yoshi 0]

Quote

Nice joke.

Now that all jokes about blonds, any ethnic group, any age group or political party are considered off limits, it is open season on monkeys.

Go pick on some other beast that actually deserves it.

Like cows.


*waits for Lisah to rip me a new one*

What do you call a two legged cow?


Lean beef.



What do you call a cow masturbating in the pasture?



beef strogginoff

_________________________________________
this space for rent.

[Bolas 5]

Why do women wear flowers on their panties?

In loving memory of all the faces that were buried there.

Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

[The_Don 0]

I am NOT being loud.
I'm being enthusiastic!