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hudsonderek

women? am I an asshole?

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You think she should spend it as she wants when he's covering some of her share of the expenses most of the time?



It truely depends on if they determined an amount that they would be giving for shared expenses. If she is hitting that amount than, yes, she can do what ever she wants with that extra money.....which includes helping out more if she decides to do so, or buying clothes that she wants.
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F LORIDA!

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If you discussed a certain amount a month for bills and she got extra money on top of that, it is hers to use as she wants to. Regardless...this is something your going to have to discuss and work out a plan before you get married...unless you want to keep having this discussion.

Personally, I think that there should be three accounts. A joint account, with established amounts from both parties for certain expenses (house, living, food etc.) and two seperate personal accounts. The personal money can go towards anything each person wants to spend it on within reason....clothes, presents, etc.

If it is your personal debt that your trying to get rid of...bluntly I see thats your responsibility to pay off not hers to cover for you while you pay it off.




Lets get married now! I'll bring the paperwork for the accounts. Your my dream girl


Ok.... are you going to buy me a house? :P
***
F LORIDA!

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so, my fiances of three months and I just had an argument involving the finances. She makes less money than me, but works hard as hell, but just can't seem to make ends meet with the bills, so I take up the slack. that's not the issue. the issue is, she happened to have a little "extra cash" this month and wants ot go spend it on clothes instead of picking up the slack on her bills. I make enough to cover us, but have loads of debt I'd like to pay off and other financial obligations. I don't mind allways being the one to pay when we go out to eat, or what not. But am I an asshole for thinking she should spend her "extra" money on taking up her slack in the bills instead of buying clothes?




Depends... are they "her bills" as in her credit card bills, her student loans, her personal obligations, or household bills? If you've decided to split the household bills say, 60/40 based on your respective incomes, and she's got a small amount of extra cash for this one month and she paid the amount you agreed upon for bills, it's probably not unreasonable for her to spend it on clothing, as that's something she's going to use, and clothes do wear out and need to be replaced (provided she's shopping somewhere reasonable and isn't paying thousands for runway fashion). In addition (still assuming you're referring to household bills here), if the "extra cash" was from Christmas gifts (either she was given cash or returned some gifts), she should be spending that on herself, because that's what the givers would want, and if they'd bought her presents or she'd kept things instead of returning them, she wouldn't have had the cash anyway, so don't count that against her.

If you've agreed to split the household bills based on her income and she pays that, and every time she gets a little extra for christmas or her birthday and you expect her to throw that towards the bills so you have to pay less and she can't enjoy what she's been given, then yes, you're an asshole.

If, however, you've been paying her student loans or credit card bills or other personal, non-you related expenses, then no, you're probably not an asshole, unless you've been encouraging her to spend money she can't afford, for example, do you live in an apartment that is more expensive than she wanted because you promised to take up the slack? do you encourage her to pay for activities she can't really afford, reminding her that you're taking up the slack?

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I would just like to thank this thread for reminding me why I'm never getting married. Thanks again!

Not all marriages are struggles for supremacy. Some are actually collaborative partnerships that are a lot of fun. Make sure you marry a jumper. Preferably one that can go camping, do her own nails, and bait a hook. ;)B|

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I would just like to thank this thread for reminding me why I'm never getting married. Thanks again!

Not all marriages are struggles for supremacy. Some are actually collaborative partnerships that are a lot of fun. Make sure you marry a jumper. Preferably one that can go camping, do her own nails, and bait a hook. ;)B|


Hey! I thought you were baiting the hook and I was going to clean and cook it. Oh well, I guess I can bait it too. B|

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I would just like to thank this thread for reminding me why I'm never getting married. Thanks again!

Not all marriages are struggles for supremacy. Some are actually collaborative partnerships that are a lot of fun. Make sure you marry a jumper. Preferably one that can go camping, do her own nails, and bait a hook. ;)B|


Hey! I thought you were baiting the hook and I was going to clean and cook it. Oh well, I guess I can bait it too. B|


Which rod are you talking about?
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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okay, everyone: she's a really fantastic woman, I wouldn't be engaged if I didn't think so. we don't share my debt, that's my personal business, we share the rent and utilities. She's not asking to spend a lot on herself, and the "extra" money was due to christmas. Yes Andreea: I did just buy a new canopy but I also sold my old one to pay first and last months rent so we could move into our place. I put the canopy on my CC (so I increased my personal debt, that we don't share), and also made a little money in the transaction (bought a cheaper canopy). I've just learned that I should shut up about the finances or I'll let it drive me up a wall and ruin my relationship.

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She's not asking to spend a lot on herself, and the "extra" money was due to christmas.



Yes, you were being an asshole.

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I've just learned that I should shut up about the finances or I'll let it drive me up a wall and ruin my relationship.



Actually, you should sit down when you are both in a good mood and talk seriously about finances long before you walk down the aisle. You guys need to be on the same page when it comes to how the money that isn't needed for the basics is spent.

You shutting up about it will only make the next fight worse, guaranteed.

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If you discussed a certain amount a month for bills and she got extra money on top of that, it is hers to use as she wants to. Regardless...this is something your going to have to discuss and work out a plan before you get married...unless you want to keep having this discussion.

Personally, I think that there should be three accounts. A joint account, with established amounts from both parties for certain expenses (house, living, food etc.) and two seperate personal accounts. The personal money can go towards anything each person wants to spend it on within reason....clothes, presents, etc.

If it is your personal debt that your trying to get rid of...bluntly I see thats your responsibility to pay off not hers to cover for you while you pay it off.




Lets get married now! I'll bring the paperwork for the accounts. Your my dream girl


Ok.... are you going to buy me a house? :P


Of Course, The other two ex's got a house, One even got a new rig this year from me.
So i just broke up with this woman who wasn't even my girlfriend!

Hellfish #782, POPS #10664

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Actually, you should sit down when you are both in a good mood and talk seriously about finances long before you walk down the aisle. You guys need to be on the same page when it comes to how the money that isn't needed for the basics is spent.

You shutting up about it will only make the next fight worse, guaranteed.



I agree with Lisa, she's always such a smartie!

To the OP...if you look up statistics about why marriages break up, finances are always near the top of the list. Consider yourself lucky that you guys are having this disagreement now when you can nip it in the bud. The budgeting talk is one of the best things you can do for your relationship. Get it all on paper and then each of you can be accountable if you sway from the agreement instead of it being just an emotional thing. Most men and women really do think differently on this issue.

Now, go let your girl get a new shirt, but tell her to make it a sexy one so that you can appreciate it too. ;)
She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

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First of all, you're not an asshole. Sometimes I wish I had someone who could help me out when I struggle to make ends meet-which is pretty much all the time.
I only know how much money stresses me out and how it never seems like there's enough-I'm sure all of us can say that. But from a girl's point of view, if she finally got a little extra cash, from Xmas or whatever, and did want to do a little shopping, I'd let it slide. Whenever I get a little extra, I like to go shopping too. BUT making sure that by doing that I'm not putting myself in any more financial stress.

Like so many others said here, have a serious talk with her about it before walking down the aisle. You're being a gentleman just helping her out with her own expenses.

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so, my fiances of three months and I just had an argument involving the finances. She makes less money than me, but works hard as hell, but just can't seem to make ends meet with the bills, so I take up the slack. that's not the issue. the issue is, she happened to have a little "extra cash" this month and wants ot go spend it on clothes instead of picking up the slack on her bills. I make enough to cover us, but have loads of debt I'd like to pay off and other financial obligations. I don't mind allways being the one to pay when we go out to eat, or what not. But am I an asshole for thinking she should spend her "extra" money on taking up her slack in the bills instead of buying clothes?




Depends... are they "her bills" as in her credit card bills, her student loans, her personal obligations, or household bills? If you've decided to split the household bills say, 60/40 based on your respective incomes, and she's got a small amount of extra cash for this one month and she paid the amount you agreed upon for bills, it's probably not unreasonable for her to spend it on clothing, as that's something she's going to use, and clothes do wear out and need to be replaced (provided she's shopping somewhere reasonable and isn't paying thousands for runway fashion). In addition (still assuming you're referring to household bills here), if the "extra cash" was from Christmas gifts (either she was given cash or returned some gifts), she should be spending that on herself, because that's what the givers would want, and if they'd bought her presents or she'd kept things instead of returning them, she wouldn't have had the cash anyway, so don't count that against her.

If you've agreed to split the household bills based on her income and she pays that, and every time she gets a little extra for christmas or her birthday and you expect her to throw that towards the bills so you have to pay less and she can't enjoy what she's been given, then yes, you're an asshole.

If, however, you've been paying her student loans or credit card bills or other personal, non-you related expenses, then no, you're probably not an asshole, unless you've been encouraging her to spend money she can't afford, for example, do you live in an apartment that is more expensive than she wanted because you promised to take up the slack? do you encourage her to pay for activities she can't really afford, reminding her that you're taking up the slack?



I agree with you. Something to add. You are not married yet. You have seperate bills! The only bills that should be split ( 60-40, 70-30 depending on who makes how much) is comon living expences! Your debt is yours and hers is hers, untill you get married. You should sit down and discuss this with her. If she cant see the logic in that then you might want to reconsider.

My wife has the hardest job in the world! She is a stay at home mom and takes care of our three kids! She gets a check from our company and spend as she sees fit. As long as the personal bills get paid i dont care were the rest goes. But when we met she was a single mother that took care of all of her bills by herself! I trust her with our money. You are not there yet. You need to trust her 100 % with money before you do get married. Money problems is one of the leading cuases of divorce. Think about it!
Nothing opens like a Deere!

You ignorant fool! Checks are for workers!

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She's not asking to spend a lot on herself, and the "extra" money was due to christmas.



So it was her Christmas money and you're pissed at how she spends it?

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women? am I an asshole?



-you said it, not me...
~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

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your man has to come with you to make sure there's a pit stop at Vistoria's Secret so they can pick out another little outfit for the next round... ;)



Sounds like entrapment. :D:D:D
Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

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Jean vs the price of a house....let me think....






Uh...do you want 37 rooms or just 30?


:$;)


30 is good....just as long as I don't have to clean :P


[/hijack]


As long as you still wear the french maid outfit it's a deal. B|

Can this house have wheels and a very liberal definition of what qualifies as a room? :)


:P
Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

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Actually, you should sit down when you are both in a good mood and talk seriously about finances long before you walk down the aisle. You guys need to be on the same page when it comes to how the money that isn't needed for the basics is spent.

You shutting up about it will only make the next fight worse, guaranteed.



QFT - Spot on.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

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Maybe just suggest to take responsibility for all the bills and she can have responsibility of leisure expenses i.e. dinner, shopping, movies, etc.


:|
"That formation-stuff in freefall is just fun and games but with an open parachute it's starting to sound like, you know, an extreme sport."
~mom

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