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SkyBastard

Jokes.. Got any good ones?

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The Scottish Golfer
>
> An 80-year-old Scotsman goes to the doctor for a check-up.
>
> The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do
> you
> stay in such great physical condition?'
>
> 'I'm Scottish and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in
> such good shape.
>
> I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
>
> I have a wee glass of whisky, and all is well.'
>
> 'Well,' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more
> to
> it.
>
> How old was your Dad when he died?'
>
> 'Who said my Dad's dead?'
>
> The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still
> alive. How old is he?'
>
> 'He's 100 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer. 'In fact he golfed wi'
> me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had
> anither wee dram and that's why he's still alive. He's Scottish and he's a
> golfer, too.'
>
> 'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
> than
> that. How about your Dad's dad? How old was he when he died?'
>
> 'Who said my grandad's dead?'
>
> Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your
> grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
>
> 'He's 118 years old,' says the old Scottish golfer.
>
> The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went
> golfing
> with you this morning too?'
>
> 'No. Grandad couldnae go this mornin' because he's getting married today.'
>
> At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?? Why
> would
> a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
>
>
> 'Who said he wanted to?'

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I'm surprised it's only gotten to page 2, people must not have libraries of nasty jokes. I guess I'll throw a few more in.

Disclaimer: These are all jokes, I'm not really this evil. :P

What do you call 1,000 lawyers dead at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

What's black and brown an looks great on a lawyer?

A doberman.

How many women does it take to change a kitchen lightbulb?

None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Why don't women need umbrellas?

Because it doesn't rain between the kitchen and the bedroom.

What screams and runs around in circles?

A baby with its foot nailed to the floor.
"If at first you don't succeed... well, so much for skydiving." - aviation cliche

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Man walks into his house drunk one night with a duck under his arm,his wife is on the couch.
"thats the pig i'm fucking " he said out loud and sat down.
"That's a duck stupid" shouted his wife.

"I wasn't talking to you" said the guy.

:)))

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The Duck Hunter
>> A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh
>> when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree
>> and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the
>> gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the
>> genitals.
>>
>> Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was
>> approached by his doctor.
>>
>> 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The
>> good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was
>> local to your groin, there was very little internal damage,
>> and we were able to remove all of the birdshot.'
>>
>> 'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.
>>
>> 'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive
>> birdshot damage done to your penis. I'm going to have to
>> refer you to my sister.'
>>
>> 'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the
>> hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'
>>
>> 'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's
>> a flute player in the local symphony and she's going to
>> teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in
>> your eye.'

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A couple of guys are out huntiing in the hilly chapparal. As they carefully stalk their prey, one of them accidentally steps on a rattlesnake. The rattlesnake bites one of them right on the penis.

His buddy kills the snake and the victim collapses and starts quivering. "It bit me in the dick, Joe! Get me some help." Joe pulls out his cell phone and finds out he's out of range. He looks at his friend and says, "Just hang on, Mike. I don't have any coverage here. I'm gonna run up that hill over there and see if I can get some coverage."

In less than 5 minutes he reaches the top of the hill and finds he still has no cell phone coverage. He goes back to Mike and sees him shaking violently and sees that he threw up. "God, Joe. Please get me some help." Joe says, "The car is a couple miles away. I'm gonna run to the trail and find out what I can do."

He makes it to his car and drives until he gets a signal. He calls emergency and says, "Please. I need help. My friend just got bit by a rattlesnake." The dispatcher tells him that it'll be at least a couple of hours before someone can get there and tell him to "find the bite and suck out as much of the venom as possible. It's the only way to save his life."

So Joe gets back and finds Mike laying down in his own vomit and shaking even more violently than before. "J-J-Joe. Did you g-g-get in touch w-w-with em?" Joe said, "Yeah, Mike. I got in touch with them."

Mike said, "So what did th-th-they s-s-say?"

Joe responds, "They said you're gonna die."


My wife is hotter than your wife.

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A Frenchman, an Italian & a American are in a bar talking & the conversation turns to sex. Soon they start bragging about who has the best tecnique & the best post-coitus technique.

The Frenchman says "After making love to my girlfriend, I take a feather and tickle the soles of her feet, and she rises 6 inches off the bed in ecstasy".

The Italian, not one to be outdone, tells the other two "After a night of passion with my wife, I suck her toes, then make my way up her leg, nibbling her calf & thighs & she rises 10 inches of the bed in ecstasy."

Finally the American says "Well that's nothing, after fucking my girlfriend, I get up, walk across the bedroom, wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"
Andy
I'll believe it when I see it on YouTube!

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.



"I think you bring me bad luck."
:ph34r:

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