FlyingJ 0 #1 September 6, 2009 Have to give Kelly credit for posting this a few years ago, but it's that time of year again and thought it would be an appropriate start to the season!!! HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard. At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions. At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure out how to get stoned off the old one. At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer. At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion. At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours. At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season. At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama. At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS". At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished. At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team. At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas. Planning for the Fall Football Season Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip to the South, here are some helpful hints. Women's Accessories NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for. Stadium Size NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people. SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people. Fathers NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference. Campus Decor NORTH: Statues of founding fathers. SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners. Homecoming Queen NORTH: Also a physics major. SOUTH: Also Miss America. Heroes NORTH: Rudy Giuliani SOUTH: Bear Bryant, Archie, Eli and Peyton Manning, Bo Jackson Getting Tickets NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets. SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets. Monday Classes After a Saturday Game NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have to prepare for classes on Monday. SOUTH: Teachers cancel Monday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class. Parking NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking. SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday. Game Day NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus. Tailgating NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon. Getting to the Stadium NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in. SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city. Concessions NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon. The Smell in the Air After the First Score NORTH: Nothing changes. SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon. Commentary (Male) NORTH: "Nice play." SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs." Commentary (Female) NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport." SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch tackle him and break his legs." Announcers NORTH: Neutral and paid. SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team. After the Game NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game. Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories ofSouthern football!Killing threads since 2004. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingJ 0 #2 September 6, 2009 Not the best start for Georgia, but as one of the few ranked teams playing against another ranked opponent I'm not too bummed. I hated to lose to a Big 12 team, but it could have been worse, we could have lost to BYU!!!Killing threads since 2004. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #3 September 6, 2009 Quote Not the best start for Georgia, but as one of the few ranked teams playing against another ranked opponent I'm not too bummed. I hated to lose to a Big 12 team, but it could have been worse, we could have lost to BYU!!! How did ya like Bama wearing VT out in the 4th? That's something that was missing most of last season. I know, I know, it's an ACC team. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingJ 0 #4 September 6, 2009 Unfortunately I missed most of that game. The residents of my lovely town chilled out most of the day, but everyone decided to call 911 at once just as the Bama game came on!Killing threads since 2004. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TrophyHusband 0 #5 September 6, 2009 QuoteNot the best start for Georgia, but as one of the few ranked teams playing against another ranked opponent I'm not too bummed. I hated to lose to a Big 12 team, but it could have been worse, we could have lost to BYU!!! watch out for mountain west this year. "Your scrotum is quite nice" - Skymama www.kjandmegan.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SuFantasma 0 #6 September 6, 2009 NORTH: D-License SOUTH: Student Status - couldn't show up at the dropzone to jump, I was at the game.Y yo, pa' vivir con miedo, prefiero morir sonriendo, con el recuerdo vivo". - Ruben Blades, "Adan Garcia" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingJ 0 #7 September 7, 2009 QuoteNORTH: D-License SOUTH: Student Status - couldn't show up at the dropzone to jump, I was at the game.(even though I couldn't get tickets, and couldn't even get into the stadium parking lot. I was tailgating a mile away from the stadium with 15,000 other people.)Killing threads since 2004. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IMALSUTIGERFAN 0 #8 September 7, 2009 Bring on some LSU TIGERS.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lost_n_confuzd 0 #9 September 7, 2009 Quote At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, two to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator and one to throw the other old bulb at Fulmer. Bear, RIP I'm looking forward to the Alabam-Auburn game Quote Ohio State-Michigan may have the hype. Army-Navy may have the pageantry. But when it comes to good old-fashioned football hatred, there may be no rivalry in college football that can match Alabama-Auburn. http://collegefootball.about.com/od/rivalries/a/riv-ironbowl.htm Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
lost_n_confuzd 0 #10 September 7, 2009 Quote How did ya like Bama wearing VT out in the 4th? That's something that was missing most of last season. I know, I know, it's an ACC team. Oh hell yeah! Looking forward to great another season. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TrophyHusband 0 #11 September 7, 2009 when the hell do the new rankings come out? usually they are out on sunday evening, but there's nothing yet. "Your scrotum is quite nice" - Skymama www.kjandmegan.com Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingJ 0 #12 September 7, 2009 Quotewhen the hell do the new rankings come out? usually they are out on sunday evening, but there's nothing yet. Probably tomorrow. Still a couple games that could make a difference in the standings today. Cincinnati at Rutgers on right now, and Cincinnati will likely find their way moving up quite a bit. Miami and FSU tonight.Killing threads since 2004. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
FlyingJ 0 #13 September 8, 2009 Alright, I know it's not SEC, but holy crap! Miami/FSU...what a game!!!Killing threads since 2004. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #14 September 8, 2009 Quote Alright, I know it's not SEC, but holy crap! Miami/FSU...what a game!!! It was a cliff hanger all right. I mean damn, three tries from the 2 and couldn't get it in. Offenses shined, defenses sucked. These two teams would not hack it in the SEC. There's a good reason FSU turned down the SEC for the ACC. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BDashe 0 #15 September 8, 2009 Excellent post! GO 'DORES!!! Harvard is just p*ssed cuz our chicks were/are hotter and easier. Chillin, Jay CutlerSo there I was... Making friends and playing nice since 1983 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
