Tuesday funny

[BillyVance 34]

Methodist Dinner for Eight

A group of country friends from the Bluffton Methodist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games.

The ladies took turns preparing the meals.

When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts, Janet wanted to outdo all the others. At first, Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steaks.

Then she priced fresh mushrooms and found they were too expensive, so she told her husband, "No mushrooms. They're too high."

He asked, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're okay."

So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch -- washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve, complete with the white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played Mexican dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died."

Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room when the helper lady came in and announced,

"You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped!"

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Brains 2]

A married couple were vacationing in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper, with a Jamaican accent, say, "You foreigners! Come in. Please come into my humble shop."
So the couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he knew himself to be.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican. Unable to control himself, he bent him over the table, and began tearing at the Jamaican's pants.
Only at the very last possible second, was the Jamaican was able to scream: "You got dem on de WRONG feet, Mon!"
.

Never look down on someone, unless they are going down on you.