please critique my law school personal statement

[spiccoli 0]

im in a bind and would really appreciate some critiques on the essay as a whole and proof read for grammar/punctuation. all law schools ask for a personal statement which is pretty open ended. basically it needs to convince them that i would be a good candidate for law school. i have a thick skin but thin on time, so dont hold back. thank you very much.

The forecast had called for a cold but calm afternoon, for the more severe winter weather was not expected to arrive until nightfall. Therefore, I was surprised to be staring at a dark and troubled sky within hours of that optimistic outlook. Normally I would just seek security in my own home, but there was the dilemma; I was several thousand feet above the ground flying solo in a small plane. As a young pilot, my experience was limited but I knew two things: these clouds contained freezing rain, and popsicles can’t fly. The alternatives were bleak. Continuing on course risked flying into an ice storm and turning back entailed exceeding fuel endurance. This predicament demanded my full capacity for risk assessment and critical decision-making, for both options risked catastrophe.
If there is one concept I have embraced most from aviation, it is the significance of making incisive decisions and the responsibility of living with their cost. Pilots live and die by their own judgment. This is illustrated by the old aviation adage, “there are good pilots and then there are dead pilots”. When I started flying, this ultimate level of accountability began to influence the way I perceived other things in life, forcing me to view my decisions not as a luxury but as a responsibility to myself and those who would be affected by them. Just like engine failures and electrical fires are part of aviation, an absent father can be a part of life. I am not unique in this respect, life is tough and everyone has problems. I have learned however, that neither in-flight emergencies nor personal trials are times for self-loathing, but rather for one’s finest performance and decision-making, for in all encounters with adversity, the outcome depends on how the individual confronts them.

On the surface, aviation and law seem to have little overlap; making the news as an attorney is usually a good thing while making the news as a pilot usually means you crashed. However, after gaining a more intimate experience with the justice system, I recognized the monumental responsibility bestowed on those who wield the power of law. When my cousin was molested by his drama teacher at age twelve he faced an uphill battle. The teacher assumed my cousin would expose him, thus fabricating his own story to discredit the twelve-year-old. This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen’s, who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer. The lawyer’s decisions carried the burden of not only my cousin’s well being, but of finding justice for the teacher’s prior victims who were too traumatized to carry through with the prosecution, as well as preventing future victims. One guilty conviction and a fifteen-year-sentence later, these responsibilities were fulfilled with life-improving consequences for my cousin and our whole family.

The ability to exercise sound judgment is a gift, as I know from first-hand experience that there are many who do not posses this blessing. After graduating, I began working as live-in with Carl, an Alzheimer’s patient whom I had met while working at the Pepperdine gym. A man who was a world-renowned artist and had once began a successful design corporation now needed my help putting his shoes on the right feet. How could he manage protecting his business and livelihood? Once again, I witnessed the powerful exchange of trust for responsibility between a lawyer and client.

Even able-minded people can be helpless when it comes to making decisions that are beyond their ability to make wisely. As a member of the Choctaw Nation tribe with most of my family employed by the Choctaw Nation, I realize my community is in need of conscientious decision-makers. The Choctaw community has been permeable to every problem in society, which are amplified by poverty and alcoholism. While I am very proud of the initiatives and programs put forth by my tribe to help its own people, I would personally like to see greater access to competent legal council, and hope to fulfill this role with my law degree.

I will continue to view life through the lens of a pilot. My cousin, Carl, and the Choctaw people have all been passengers on a plane they did not know how to fly. As the pilots, their lawyers were charged with the great task of landing them safely at their desired destination regardless of challenges or bad weather. Failing to achieve this would have had negative consequences on life, just as it would in aviation. The great responsibility and use of critical decision making is what attracted me to flying. Recognizing that I can apply the same skill set to serve a purpose higher than myself is now what calls me to pursue law. This desire to serve was nurtured during my undergraduate career at Pepperdine, and by attending Pepperdine Law I am assured that I will experience further growth in this regard.

we need to talk about your flare..

[spiccoli 0]

ahh blast. sorry, the indents didnt carry over.

we need to talk about your flare..

[BIGUN 1,049]

The only thing that really jumps out at me is:

Quote

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen’s, who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You're talking about "a" pre-teen (singular) and for some reason; I'm thinking it needs a semicolon to read as:

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[Squeak 17]

Quote

The only thing that really jumps out at me is:

Quote

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen’s, who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You're talking about "a" pre-teen (singular) and for some reason; I'm thinking it needs a semicolon to read as:

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You have to account for OWNERSHIP of "the word" it's the Pre-teens word so the S should be there.

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[Andy9o8 0]

Quote

Quote

The only thing that really jumps out at me is:

Quote

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen’s, who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You're talking about "a" pre-teen (singular) and for some reason; I'm thinking it needs a semicolon to read as:

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You have to account for OWNERSHIP of "the word" it's the Pre-teens word so the S should be there.

Yeah; I'd phrase it:

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against that of a troubled pre-teen

[Squeak 17]

Quote

Quote

Quote

The only thing that really jumps out at me is:

Quote

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen’s, who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You're talking about "a" pre-teen (singular) and for some reason; I'm thinking it needs a semicolon to read as:

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You have to account for OWNERSHIP of "the word" it's the Pre-teens word so the S should be there.

Yeah; I'd phrase it:

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against that of a troubled pre-teen

Yep, if you have to use pitted then that phrasing flows better, i however dont think i would use pitted. Unless talking about watermelon pits

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[warpedskydiver 0]

Quote

The only thing that really jumps out at me is:

Quote

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen’s, who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

You're talking about "a" pre-teen (singular) and for some reason; I'm thinking it needs a semicolon to read as:

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

That would be correct because both parts could stand on their own as a sentence.

[BIGUN 1,049]

Quote

This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer.

Quote

You have to account for OWNERSHIP of "the word" it's the Pre-teens word so the S should be there.

It did not read that way and I wondered if he meant, "pre-teen's word." So perhaps the medium is:

"This pitted the word of a respected teacher against that of a troubled pre-teen; who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer."

Now, they both own the "word."

Word!

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[DiverMike 5]

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On the surface, aviation and law seem to have little overlap; making the news as an attorney is usually a good thing while making the news as a pilot usually means you crashed.

It is a good personal statement, however the comparative statement sounds awkward to me. You are comparing a general statement with a specific event that may or may not be counter to being a "good thing". The most highly publicized recent airplane crash is Chesley Sullenberger landing in the Hudson River. He was declared a hero and that crash was universally declared a "good thing". Your statement logic ends ups being: "'A' is good thing while 'B' may be a good thing."

For the same reason I jump off a perfectly good diving board.

[MakeItHappen 15]

Quote

im in a bind and would really appreciate some critiques on the essay as a whole and proof read for grammar/punctuation. all law schools ask for a personal statement which is pretty open ended. basically it needs to convince them that i would be a good candidate for law school. i have a thick skin but thin on time, so dont hold back. thank you very much.

Well, to tell you the truth, I thought it was boring and not to the point of "it needs to convince them that i would be a good candidate for law school".

I would start it off by stating the obvious:
"I would make an excellent law student for Pepperdine because I have personally witnessed several adjudications that were forays into a lay person's life. These situations may take advantage of those who do not know their rights or the meaning of the law. The well educated lawyer from Pepperdine, that I shall become, will be able to decipher the pending issues for clients, have an encyclopedic knowledge of the applicable laws, interpret the laws as they apply to the facts and argue for the best interests of my client."

Then I would cite the examples:
"When my cousin was molested by his drama teacher at age twelve he faced an uphill battle. The teacher assumed my cousin would expose him, thus fabricating his own story to discredit the twelve-year-old. This pitted the word of a respected teacher against a troubled pre-teen’s, who could not even recount the event without shaking. With the administration against him, my cousin had to put all trust and hope in a lawyer. The lawyer’s decisions carried the burden of not only my cousin’s well being, but of finding justice for the teacher’s prior victims who were too traumatized to carry through with the prosecution, as well as preventing future victims. One guilty conviction and a fifteen-year-sentence later, these responsibilities were fulfilled with life-improving consequences for my cousin and our whole family."

"Even able-minded people can be helpless when it comes to making decisions that are beyond their ability to make wisely. As a member of the Choctaw Nation tribe with most of my family employed by the Choctaw Nation, I realize my community is in need of conscientious decision-makers. The Choctaw community has been permeable to every problem in society, which are amplified by poverty and alcoholism. While I am very proud of the initiatives and programs put forth by my tribe to help its own people, I would personally like to see greater access to competent legal council, and hope to fulfill this role with my law degree. "

"I began working as live-in with Carl, an Alzheimer’s patient whom I had met while working at the Pepperdine gym. A man who was a world-renowned artist and had once began a successful design corporation now needed my help putting his shoes on the right feet. How could he manage protecting his business and livelihood? Once again, I witnessed the powerful exchange of trust for responsibility between a lawyer and client. "

Then I would state what Pepperdine's education would give you.
"Pepperdine has long been known to produce fine lawyers such as ......
I intend to follow in their foot steps and became a learned lawyer that not only knows the law, but also how it is applied to real-life situations. The mere statement of facts does not represent the dynamic interpretation of law. Documents do not speak for themselves. Lawyers and judges apply the law to the facts to reach appropriate and fair conclusions. I intend to become one of those lawyers."

I would also rewrite this to flow better, but it was to give you an idea of what I would be looking for if I read your application.

.

.
Make It Happen
Parachute History
DiveMaker

[DiverMike 5]

ooooh - I like your's much better.

+1

For the same reason I jump off a perfectly good diving board.