Teenage Daughter

[nigel99 143]

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Have the texting option removed from her phone. If she needs to communicate, she can call, as primitive as that may sound. We still don't have texting on our phones, much to the dismay of our 4 children.

I'm lucky, seriously, to have Vskydiver raising our kids. She may look like just a little thing, but she really knows how to set boundaries and expectations for our kids. We've had some rough moments, sure, especially with the oldest two, but it's been a lot better than I expected,

Skymama, you're an inspiration too. >>

Yes she was already moved onto Pay as you go at the beginning of this month (before we got the bill). She was really put out that PAYG is more expensive per call/text and so she got less for the same cash.

As to the bill UK law allows a child over 13 to work - as we have our own company she has been offered a job (properly and within the law with council permits etc) at the minimum wage. It will take her 6 months at 4 hours a week doing office work to clear the debt. She has been told she is free to find a better paying job if she wants to clear her debt quicker, but it must also be fully within the law and not include activities like delivering newspapers. I am hoping that it will help her to understand that money = work.

On the bright side - it is funny to see how common this is - I was beginning to think that she was "special"

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[skydiver604 0]

Special???? Oh hell no, I have a step daughter that gave us more or less the same issues, got really scary at one point when at 15 she started to get close to a so called family friend,,,we put a stop to that immediately,,,i still have the louisville slugger with his name written on it with black magic marker and I'm sure if I dig around one of the junk boxes in storage I could find the pieces of her cell phone that magically disintegrated after catching her at the tail end of a 3 hour conversation with this douchebag at 4:30 in the morning. Funny thing, she's now 18, living on her own ( couldn't wait to get her independence) she's working and had a huge shock at what shit actually costs,,,laundry, food, transportation, cell phone bill,,clothes toiletries etc stuff she took for granted is now on her dime,,,I must say tho,,she sure has grown up a lot in the last 2 months.

"The greater danger for most of us is not that our aim is too high and we miss it, but that it is too low and we reach it." - Michelangelo

[shropshire 0]

Sell her to Gypsies... you know that it will make sense in the long run

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[airtwardo 6]

We had 3 going through those years together, 2 boys and a girl.

I'm a VERY calm person, that's how I got through it...

Don't get mad, don't get frustrated, don't EVER act surprised...in other words ~ Never Let Them See You Sweat.

Make the punishments fit the crimes, no parole-no exceptions.

Kids need stability...mine could always count on paying a price for screwing up, but when it was over it's forgotten and never brought back up, they learned not to throw fits and scream or pout because since Dad never gets mad it's a waste of time.

They also learned that no matter what they did, lying was always the worst crime...if I can't believe what you say today than don't talk to me until tomorrow. ~drives kids nuts to be ignored!

The best part was at times letting them choose the punishment...2 or 3 choices between appropriate options, tells a bit about how they think when they have those options.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[riddler 0]

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I am collecting "blackmail" photos of my girls as babies dressed in cute outfits

I went a step further, and I have a bunch of naked-butt pics, so I'm all set there. I also plan to tell the boys that it's the only time you will see any naked part of my girls, ever.

But it sounds like you're going through a lot of the same things I am. My girls are very well behaved, but they scream and cry a lot when they don't get what they want. So far the best advice I hear on this thread is not letting them see you get mad or upset - sounds like really good advice.

Oh yeah, and my girls are not allowed to read dz.com - don't need them to read this thread and see my play-book

Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD

[GLIDEANGLE 1]

Go tohttp://www.loveandlogic.com/

Buy, read, execute their Survival kit.

Their program is based on sound science and WORKS. It is the loving application of Behaviorism. Used consistently, it builds GREAT young people.

Remember that every day your daughter is making life and death decisions… it is a matter of life and death that you help her learn to make good decisions!

The choices we make have consequences, for us & for others!

[dninness 4]

I can't add much to this yet, as my 11 year old daughter is autistic and she's got her own set of issues that (I suppose "thanksfully") don't involve cell phones, text messages, Facebook, Internet predators and angst.

My son is 8.

a) He's already turning on the drama to get what he wants (at mom's house that must work well for him. He tries that here and I say "And the Oscar goes to..." and he says "whats that supposed to mean, Dad?" and stomps off.) Like my girlfriend says "If you can't be the prom queen, you gotta be the drama queen."

b) He's acting like he's 8 going on 28. He speaks to adults like they're his "bros," complete with smartass sarcasm and the kind of tones and phrases that comes across as disrespect when its between a kid and a parent. Really. I have more than once given him 'that look' and said "Listen, mister: You may think you're on par with the adults in this house, but in the grand scheme of things the only thing you outrank here are the cats. Deal with it." The best thing is, he's a very smart 8 year old and he gets it. The worst thing is, he's still 8 and continues to do it because his attention span is measured in nano-seconds. (but he's a really keen observer, so I have to be *very* careful when he's at the DZ with me because he sees the way I shoot the shit with my buds there and I think he takes some cues there).

c) He's me when I was that age. Yeah, I called my mom up and apologized to her when I realized that. He's a little bookish, and actually very introverted. Which leads to a lot of "internal angst" and an inability to express himself. But then it comes out in a gigantic torrent. Ugh.

As I mentioned earlier, I suppose in some ways I'm thankful my daughter is autistic. Some of that "teen angst bullshit" (to borrow a line from Heathers) just won't exist. She's likely not going to have friends to text, won't know how to use a cell phone, etc, etc. Now, her communication needs work, and she's big for 11 (people routinely mistake her for a 12-14 year old), so when she can't express herself, she gets physical. She wanted breakfast and said "I would like to eat breakfast." I said "In a second, Em, I'm typing something.." and she grabbed my hand and pulled it toward the kitchen. Except she did so hard enough that she might have separated my shoulder or busted a finger had I not been ready for it.

(the "grab dad's hand and pull his fingers in opposite directions" thing is getting fairly annoying..)

But, she's also, in some ways, a typical "about to be" teenager: She doesn't want to wait for anything or anybody, its her way or.. her way, etc. :)

I have friends with teenage daughters. I've watched several grow up and get married, have kids, etc. I've worked with teenagers my entire adult life (thankfully, in a military cadet program setting where the hierarchy and social rules/norms were carefully prescribed), and I swear its like there is a "defiance" bit that gets flipped in a kid when they hit 15.

One friend, his daughter hit 12 and she was very cute and flirty with her classmates. I said "Dude, that shit is going to be trouble!"

By 13 she was bringing boys over to the house (and I don't mean 13 year old boys), which stopped the day we were cleaning weapons in my buddy's den (true story) and discussing, somewhat loudly, what kinds of activities might justify homicide with a shotgun, or what might just justify a painful wound. :)

It all came to a head at 14 when she "ran away" from home. There was no abuse or anything that I was aware of, she just didn't want to live under the yoke of her parent's rules and thought that she could do better on her own. (When I was a teenager, my mom had a magnet on the fridge that said "Kids, leave home now while you still know everything!!" on the fridge. This girl just exercised that.)

She spent two nights at her friend's house. The friend's parents were known to my buddy & his wife, and they called and said "She's here. What do you want us to do?"

My friend and his wife said "Can she stay with your for a couple days, we think we know how this will play out.."

Sure enough, their daughter comes home to "get her stuff" and finds her room emptied out. I mean BARE.

She's standing in the hallway wailing "WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SHIT?" or similar.

My buddy, sitting in his easy chair reading Time Magazine, calmly says "You left. We gave it all to Goodwill. By the way, it wasn't YOUR shit, it was OUR shit."

Mom was in the kitchen drinking coffee, and the daughter goes stomping down there and starts shouting at her mom about her rights. Mom works for the juvenile courts, so she knows where this can and can't go.

She looks up and says "You're a 14 year old minor. Every single thing you believe is a "right" is really a privilege that we grant you while you live in our house..."

Daughter whips out her cell phone. Whoops. No service. While she was gone apparently she did not notice that mom & dad had cancelled her phone.

The best thing was, they knew she was on her way back over to "get her shit," and my friend and his wife had called the local PD (small town, they knew the chief on a first-name basis), who were in the driveway when she went to storm out of the house.

Seems the 17 year old guy she rode over with had an out of date state inspection sticker and some probable cause for a vehicle search which resulted the discovery of some contraband. So here she is, standing in the front yard with her ride sprawled across the trunk of his POS Honda ricer in cuffs. The cops are like "Oh, who are you?" and they ID her, and say "Oh, wow, you were reported missing by your parents 2 days ago, did this guy kidnap you?"

Suffice to say, the daughter was sort of stuck between a rock and a rock. The dirtbag guy gets hauled away for possession and suspicion of "contributing to the delinquency of a minor, so she's got no ride, no phone, the cops want to haul her to the station, etc...

It wound up working out, she stayed home with mom and dad, her parents had her haul all of her shit out of the garage back to her room, etc.

(Sorry, that was longer than I intended)

:)

The other side of the coin is my cousin, who as a teenager was a rebellious little shitbag. Crap like slipping out of the house in the middle of the night, stealing his parent's car without a license, underage drinking... He got up in my uncle's face once, and then told him "You touch me, I'm calling the cops.." (I love my aunt & uncle, but if that had been me, I'd have said "Yeah? Here's the phone, dial 911 and ask for an ambulance too, because when this is over, one of us is going to need it..")

Nothing seemed to work with him. He was in and out of court like 10 times before he was 18, probation, restitution, etc. His parents tried all kinds of things, but apart from chaining the kid to his bed and feeding him with a slingshot, they're out of options.

Finally, he gets busted for consorting with his "just-under-the-age-of-consent" girlfriend when he's 18, winds up with like 24 months in the pokey. Gets out, can't keep a job, can't keep up with his probation officer, can't keep a car, can't pass a piss test, etc. Then he gets hauled off for pulling like 5 armed robberies. Last I knew, he was up the river for something like 10-20 for RA.

Don't know what the exact answer is, but its a hell of a tightrope.

NIN
D-19617, AFF-I '19

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

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On the bright side - it is funny to see how common this is - I was beginning to think that she was "special"

Typical teenager. Trying to excercise power and control. Testing boundaries. Trying to figure out how to grow up.

Lots of good advice here. To echo some and add a little:

Stay calm no matter what. If she figures out how to make you lose control, you lose.

Set boundaries and stick with them. One of the worst things you can do is let her learn that she can get you to make "exceptions".

You and your wife need to stay on the same page. Never disagree on her behaviors (or your reactions to them) in front of her. Always back each other up in front of her. Take any of those disagreements behind closed doors. If she learns that she can use one of you against the other, you are in big trouble. (one of the other "worst" things)

Make sure she knows you love her. She won't think so (or admit to it) but it should still be there.

I don't have any kids, but I walked into a messy situation with my ex's daughter. She was 14 when we met, and had learned how to manipulate her (divorced) parents quite well. She would play them off each other, and was fairly far out of control. Being an outsider, I could see it pretty well, and did my best not to contribute. She tried to pull me into her manipulations early on, and tried to manipulate her mom into breaking up with me when I wouldn't play along. The daughter ended up in foster care (group home situation) by 16 because her mom couldn't control her - truancy and running away mostly.

I didn't marry her mom until after she turned 18 (and the marriage didn't work out for other reasons), but she would still manipulate her mom even then.

She's grown up some, but not a lot. I'm still very good friends with her mom's cousin (he introduced us) and I heard recently that she had come to him (the cousin) needing a car (he's a mechanic and has lots of cars) because she said her car "broke". He had already heard that she had "broken" it by rolling it while driving drunk.

She's also cut her mom off from her kids (what would be my step-grandkids) because her mom criticized some of her behaviors.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[Remster 24]

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I have a three-year old, and a 21-month old daughter. I figure at 10 years old, I will start a shotgun collection, and tell all future dates that Dick Cheney taught me personally how to shoot. Handling the boys will be the easy part.

I'm also working on a remote shock-collar for the girls. That's a bit harder, but I have a degree in electrical engineering, and about 10 years to perfect it. It must have at least two channels, a password lock, and WiFi, so I can shock them from anywhere on the planet that they are in range of wireless.

Some people have told me that Social Services might have a problem with that. But the shotguns may be able to pursuade them otherwise.

To prepare my girls for the inevitable that we are all going to go through, I plan to have them watch Pulp Fiction with me, and rewind several times at "the Gimp" scene. I plan to already have purchased two crates for visual effect. That's only until they're 18 - after that, they can do what they want.

And I don't plan on living long enough for them to choose my nursing home.

You plan makes perfect sense... Perfect,. except for one small detail that makes it completely un-realizable.





You should use GPRS for the shock collar. This way, coverage will be close to 100%.

No need to thank me for the technical consult.

Remster

[nitrochute 2]

Ahh the teenage years. i remember mine well.my mom used to chase us with a loaded gun when we misbehaved.(true)

[JohnMitchell 14]

Stay calm no matter what. If she figures out how to make you lose control, you lose.

That's a tough one sometimes, but very true.

Set boundaries and stick with them. One of the worst things you can do is let her learn that she can get you to make "exceptions".

Kids need to feel secure, and boundaries do that. But they'll never admit it, because they're "too big for that."
You and your wife need to stay on the same page.

Someone's tagline used to be "The most important thing a father can do is love his children's mother." Very true words. Vskydiver and I like to think we're the solid base-pin our kids can bounce off of as they are learning to fly.

Make sure she knows you love her. She won't think so (or admit to it) but it should still be there.

And it feels so good to tell them "We love you." It doesn't even matter what the reply is.

[wmw999 2,121]

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You and your wife need to stay on the same page.

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Someone's tagline used to be "The most important thing a father can do is love his children's mother." Very true words. Vskydiver and I like to think we're the solid base-pin our kids can bounce off of as they are learning to fly.

I'm going to suggest that it's respect their children's other parent, rather than necessarily love them.

Love is good, but respect means that parents who don't get along real well have to man up and figure out how to work together to raise their mutual children.

And you really, really have to respect your child enough to let them make their own honest decision (i.e. without your baggage) about their other parent if the parents are divorced.

I never had a girl, so all the OP has is my sympathies; I think boys can be met head-on a little more effectively sometimes. Either that, or my son's father had the right touch.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[dreaming13000 1]

I know from my 13 yr old years, prayer works wonders! Thanks mom and dad!!! love you!!

"A man only gets in life what he is believing for, nothing more and nothing less" Kenneth Hagen

[Taylor610 0]

I wish I could help you here, but I am in no real position to do it. At the same time, Skymama did use a key term and you and all involved could benefit from implementing it into your lives, "expectations". You are each allowed to have your expectations. You are each allowed to outline these expectations. The parent, the adult, has to be smart enough to compromise when it is ok and to provide structure when it is not ok to compromise. These teenagers want boundaries, they want to be safe, they want to be successful, but the adult has to provide the pathway.

For all of those who have posted here and said it "will" get worse, I just hope that you recognize that it doesn't have too. Getting worse is normally caused by lack of structure, lack of proper response. While there are occasions where medical help (i.e. medication) is a benefit, it is not nearly as often as one would like to say. All too often today, society takes the easy street and medicates a young person rather than learn the techniques that will be required to shape desired behaviors. Again, there are times when medicine is a necessity. For those who are firm in their beliefs that it is all hormonal and a part of life, Again I ask that you check your sources.

Reality TV is for the most part anything but. Much of today's music encourages certain behaviors. TV shows continually show lives that are great, in complete turmoil, and great again, all fixed inside of 44 minutes (including the 16 minutes of commercials which tell them how to have safe sex at a young age, what music to listen to, and exactly how many high energy drinks they need to slam to get through the day).

Structure, diet, and exercise are important. The ability to communicate and the desire to have this communication is just as important. I want to repeat this as it is the point of this post; "If you think it "will" get worse, you are probably right, but only because you are a contributor, if you think it "has" to get worse, then you are right, but mostly because you believed it. If you believe that it can be better, if you believe that you as the parent, as the adult can provide a fair, balanced structure, then seek out the guidance of professionals, and learn how a happy, structured, safe environment can be provided for your teenager. It can and it DOES HAPPEN!

Wishing you much success.

[hungarianchick 0]

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Instead of showing her who is in control and putting down all kinds of harsh rules, why not just treat her like an adult?

Are you freaking kidding me? Because she is NOT an adult. She is a teenager with her hormones running wild. I have no kids either but I worked with them most of my life. If you are not an authority figure, you are pretty much screwed and for parents it starts when you bring the little darling home from the hospital. You ARE the parent, your house, your rules, no if or buts.

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Seriously - what is the harm in Facebook

Quiet a bit actually, it opens the door to distraction from homework and cyber bullying. My niece had no computer of her own until she had a job and payed for it herself at the age of 18. Until then she used her parents' to do homework under supervision. There is no need for more.

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Why on earth would you block it in order to show who is in charge??

See above

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Instead, try to reason with her and work with her. She just wants to be respected and be more independent
Treat her with fairness and respect, let her learn to deal with the consequences of her actions rather than protecting her from them, and she will respect you back.

You obviously think that if a parent is in total controll of the behavior of their teenage offspring, they cannot possibly be respectful. Interesting...

"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."

[shropshire 0]

WORTH REPEATING .. This IS important!!

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Because she is NOT an adult

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Because she is NOT an adult

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Because she is NOT an adult

I could not agree more - nice one

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[ACMESkydiver 0]

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We still don't have texting on our phones

Now ya tell me! I thought you guys just didn't like me!

Skymama had some GREAT advice up there!
I have a 13 year old daughter, too. And an 18 year old neice, and a 17 year old neice, and a 17 year old nephew all living with me. -Just wait until you have multiple females at teen or above under one roof. OY.

I haven't seen my 17 year old neice without her head tilted down texting away since she got her cell phone. -Seriously. I have NOT seen her not texting, unless she's asleep. She texts while she's eating or talking to you (which REALLY pisses me off ).

Anyhoo, I feel for the original poster, too...my daughter has had limited texting on her phone, and she knows our 'open account' policy: her computer password, her phone password, her email accounts, and texts are all subject to search at any time. There is no expectation of privacy for a 13 year old girl. -ok, ok...except her diary. That's the only thing that I just personally feel a girl sometimes needs to 'get it out' and not have people nosing through...but daddy doesn't feel the same. Fortunately, he has forgotten all about it already.

~Jaye
Do not believe that possibly you can escape the reward of your action.

[livendive 8]

Meh, you have it easy so far. My daughter is now 21, and has her own apartment, and I think the worst is behind us. It didn't get completely out of hand till around 16, but the 4 years between then and 20 took at least twice that many off my life.

Blues,
Dave

"I AM A PROFESSIONAL EXTREME ATHLETE!"
(drink Mountain Dew)

[hungarianchick 0]

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I haven't seen my 17 year old neice without her head tilted down texting away since she got her cell phone. -Seriously. I have NOT seen her not texting, unless she's asleep. She texts while she's eating or talking to you (which REALLY pisses me off ).

That could be easly resolved with the Firefly phone. There are two (!) buttons on the basic model, one for mom and one for dad for emergencies, plus 50 preprogrammable numbers, no texting, no problem. Not cool enough? Well tough, then you get nothing.
Most of us here grew up without cell phones and computers and turned out fine. Sheesh...

http://www.fireflymobile.com/glowphone/

"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."

[nigel99 143]

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I haven't seen my 17 year old neice without her head tilted down texting away since she got her cell phone. -Seriously. I have NOT seen her not texting, unless she's asleep. She texts while she's eating or talking to you (which REALLY pisses me off ).

That could be easly resolved with the Firefly phone. There are two (!) buttons on the basic model, one for mom and one for dad for emergencies, plus 50 preprogrammable numbers, no texting, no problem. Not cool enough? Well tough, then you get nothing.
Most of us here grew up without cell phones and computers and turned out fine. Sheesh...

http://www.fireflymobile.com/glowphone/

too true - phones are a real status symbol. She already has it "tough" in that she doesn't have an I-phone (most of her friends do). Anyway she hit puberty very young - so hopefully we are well into the growing up phase and not just punished for longer!

Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

[skymama 35]

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She texts while she's eating or talking to you (which REALLY pisses me off

Have a "no phones at the dinner table" rule.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[BillyVance 34]

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Meh, you have it easy so far. My daughter is now 21, and has her own apartment, and I think the worst is behind us. It didn't get completely out of hand till around 16, but the 4 years between then and 20 took at least twice that many off my life.

Blues,
Dave

21 already??? Damn! I still remember you talking about the time your ex called you over to her place to talk to your girl about something she wanted but couldn't have it and getting pissy. You told her off, and then she stomped up the stairs muttering "shit!" on each of the last few steps. made me laugh.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[riddler 0]

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You should use GPRS for the shock collar. This way, coverage will be close to 100%.

I like the way you think - mostly because I think the same way Difference between you and I is that I'm a cheapskate - don't want to pay the monthly fee for GPRS.

If they want to run, they'll have to stay away from any civilization - by then, WiFi will be darn near everywhere there's electricity

Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD

[farmgurl 0]

Yeah, it's gonna be a rough ride! Been through it twice one girl and one boy. My ulcers still flare up when I think about it, lol! You've already gotten any advice I could give you. Just thought I'd chime in that it's totally worth it, because if you stick to your guns, they turn out to be people you'd hang with....even if you HADN'T given birth to 'em The hormonal maniac that used to make me want to set my own hair on fire just gave birth to our first grandchild. At the ripe old age of 26, so I guess the teen years COULD have been more challenging. She's really become quite civilized! Hang in there, and good luck!

[fossg 0]

Thats about right for 13 to 14. She will calm down but it takes patience. My daughter is almost 17 and she is reasonably normal now. The boys that are sniffing around get on my nerves though