Military Humor

[BIGUN 1,053]

A young Army PFC was leaving the office at 6 pm, when he found his Lieutenant standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the Lieutenant, "This is a very sensitive and important document, and the admin section is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young PFC . He turned the machine on, hit the forward button, and showed the Lieutenant where to insert the document and press the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the Lieutenant as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[MikeJD 0]

I'm strictly a civvie, but I enjoyed that regardless.

[Andy0689 0]

Funny until the Lieutenant has the PFC reassemble the shredded document afterwards.

Andy
I'll believe it when I see it on YouTube!

[shropshire 0]

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when a Private knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the Private to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the Private replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[shropshire 0]

A soldier, who was habitually drunk, publicly announced to all the men in his company and surrounding companies that he was swearing off drinking and that all the other soldiers should give up this foul habit also. The other soldiers would tease him to fall off the wagon by giving him whiskey and get him drunk. Every morning he would be back preaching about the sins of alcohol. One day his tent mate told him he ought to give up preaching about the evils of the jug as he always ends up drunk. With a twinkle in his blood shot eyes he said " what, and give up all that free whiskey?"

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

[BIGUN 1,053]

A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked a Marine staff sergeant, dressed in his dress blues. The little boy turned to the Marine and said, "Wow! Are you a Marine?"

The Marine replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?"

"Boy, would I!," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.

As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man - he was more than a man. He was an Airborne Ranger.

The little boy turned and went over to the soldier. As he approached him, he could see the reflection in his boots. His eyes widened as he stared up at the soldier's chest full of medals and combat ribbons. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you an Airborne Ranger?"

The Ranger replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am!! Would you like to shine my boots?"

The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not a Marine. I'm just wearing his hat!"

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi BIGUN,

Nick, Oh NickDG, you are needed here.

JerryBaumchen

[DaGimp 0]

i heard this one before too...bt it ended more like...

first was the maring then a navy guy then the ranger, while wearing the nave hat he asked the man if he was an airborne ranger, the man replied "why yes i am, you wana suck my dck?" "Oh no sir, im not in the Navy im just wearing the hat."

"Professor of Pimpology"~~~Bolas

[MrLicious 0]

That is how I heard it as well!!!!


My reply to anyone who ever tells me they served in the Air Force..


"Have you ever served in the military?"

There are no pessimists in skydiving.

My Advice: It's worth what you pay for it, and I'm an expert at it.

[BIGUN 1,053]

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My reply to anyone who ever tells me they served in the Air Force. Have you ever served in the military?"

The National Science Foundation announced the following study results on U.S. military recreation preferences:
1. Sport of choice for Soldiers: bowling.
2. Sport of choice for Marines: football.
3. Sport of choice for Sailors: baseball.
4. Sport of choice for Coast Guardsmen: tennis.
5. Sport of choice for Airmen: golf.

Notice how the farther down the list you go, the smaller their balls get. Here we GO!!

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[DigitalDave 0]

I always liked "213 things Skippy is no longer allowed to do in the US Army".

http://skippyslist.com/list/

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Explanations of these events:
a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.)
b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.)
c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.)
d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?”)
e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?” said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that’s there….”)

To explain how I’ve stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I’m funny, so they let me live.

.. some of my favorites ..

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Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy” to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me.

My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz” not “Princess Anastasia”.

Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!”

Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powers”.

Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it’s true.

Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post.

I am not the atheist chaplain.

If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

[BIGUN 1,053]

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If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than you”.

Ruh Roh.. me likey

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.