Jokes

[longtall 0]

Please tell me your best joke. Ive been challenged to a joke-off and need some new material. Thanks .

" 90 right, five miles then cut."---Pukin Buzzards

[MrLicious 0]

A baby seal walks into a club!!!!

There are no pessimists in skydiving.

My Advice: It's worth what you pay for it, and I'm an expert at it.

[Heatmiser 0]

Just a cut and paste but:


Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill on her head?
A: All you can eat under a buck.

Q: Why is a blonde like a hardware store?
A: They are both 10¢ a screw!
Submitted by: Claude Wimberly

Q: What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme!
Submitted by: Ian R. Almond

Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
A: Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"

Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.

Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
A: To put their feet through.

Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home!"

Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".

Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces him/her self.
A2: Walks home.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead.

Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.

Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2: I don't know.
R: Neither did she.

Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears?

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.

Q: What do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.

Confucius say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.

Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only put 3 fingers in a bowling ball. Submitted by: Ciao

What you say is reflective of your knowledge...HOW ya say it is reflective of your experience. Airtwardo

Someone's going to be spanked! Hopefully, it will be me. Skymama

[Peej 0]

Many years ago a traveling salesman was way out in the back country trying to make ends meet when he lost his way. Now remember this was way back in the day before cell phones. And to compound the problem his car broke down on a lonely dirt road.

So our salesman decides to take a walk and see if he can find a farm with a phone he can use. Eventually he comes across a long dirt drive. Next to the road is a small sign that says "Chester Farm".

So our intrepid salesman takes a walk up to the front door and knocks. A typical red neck answers and says: "How can i help ya boy?"
Very politely our man explains his problem and the farmer invites him inside to use the phone and call AAA while yelling at the wife to put some coffee on.

While waiting for a tow the salesman says to the farmer: "Tell me Mr Chester, when i was on my way up here i couldn't help but notice a lonely pig out in a sty. I see that he has a wooden leg, what's the story behind that?"

The farmer replies: "Boy, that is the most fantastic pig that ever lived. The finest pig a man could ever hope to have in fact - and smart too! One night a couple years ago I got to drinking and I guess I had more than I should have. I passed out drunk, fell down and knocked over a lamp. The lamp started a fire in the house and well, that pig, he smelled the smoke. He came burstin' in the back door, got the wife and kid out, roused me up and dragged my drunk ass out. No question about it - that night that old piggly saved all our lives"

The salesman replies: "Well that is an amazing story Mr Chester but it still doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg?"

The farmer looks at the salesman sternly and says: "Boy, let me tell you something. One day one of my kin was down there swimmin' in the lake. He takes to drownin' and that pig sees this. He jumps outta his sty, runs down there and saves my kin. Gave him mouth ta mouth and everything. That is the most fantastic pig a man could ever own"

The salesman replies again: "Well that truly is an amazing story Mr Chester but it STILL doesn't explain why he has a wooden leg?"

The farmer packs a pipe, lights it and says: "Well boy let me tell you another thing. One day i was out there on the Jon Deere and my heart done attacked me. That pig, he sees all this, jumps outta his sty, comes a runnin' over and drags me out from under the wheels. Saves my life. He's a truly fantastic pig"

The salesman can't believe this. He says: "Mr Chester - that is incredible. By tell me, why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

The farmer leans back in his rocking chair, looks the salesman in the eye and says: "Boy, if you had a pig that fantastic, would eat it all at once?"

Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky

[Niki1 1]

A cop walking his beat late at night sees a drunk staggering along the sidewalk holding his car keys. The drunk says to the officer, "Ocifer, somebody shtole my car. It wash right here on the end of my key." The cop was about to go off duty and didn't want to do all the paperwork of arresting the drunk so he says, "Just go on home and you'll probably remember where it is in the morning, And zip yourself up, man. You're hanging out." The drunk looks down and says, "I'll be danmed! They got my girlfriend too."

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[freefal 0]

That pig one is awesome!

Here's two of my favorite farm-related jokes:

How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny?
You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like your feeding a horse.
*
This guy owns a horse farm, and gets a call from a friend "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.
"Nith looking horth, can I thea her mouth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I thea her eyesth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the eyes.
"Ok, what about the earsth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.
"OK, finally, I d like to thea her twat," said the midget.
With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrasthe. I'd like to thea her run!"
*
And an oldie but a goodie:
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half of a cat.

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!

[slcooper 0]

A doctor delivered a baby and as soon as it was out he grabbed it's by its feet and slammed it to the floor. He held it up and punched it in the face several times, and punted it out of the room. He ran out of the room after the baby as the mother wailed in tears. The doctor walks back in with the baby and says "I was just kidding, it was already dead."

I know, I'm going to hell

Why would anyone jump out of a perfectly good airplane? Cause the door was open!

[BillyVance 34]

Ickey Woods was about to become a dad for the first time. Right after his wife gave birth to their baby, he cut the cord, picked up the baby, went into his TD celebration routine, and at the end of it, spiked the baby.

Save me a seat in hell next to you dude.

For those of you too young to remember, Ickey was a Cincinnati Bengal football player while in the NFL. He gained notoriety/fame for his extensive celebrations after scoring touchdowns...

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

[Niki1 1]

As the service was letting out, the priest was standing at the door to shake hands withe the parishoners. He noticed Mary O'Brian was looking a litle down. "What's wrong, Mary? You look sad."
"Oh, Father," Mary said, "Mr. O'Brian died last night." "
Mary, I'm so sorry to hear that. Did he have any last words?"
"Yes he did, Father. He said, 'Mary please put down that danm gun.'"

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[mutumbo 0]

Quote

A doctor delivered a baby and as soon as it was out he grabbed it's by its feet and slammed it to the floor. He held it up and punched it in the face several times, and punted it out of the room. He ran out of the room after the baby as the mother wailed in tears. The doctor walks back in with the baby and says "I was just kidding, it was already dead."

I know, I'm going to hell

god i love that one. Ill see ya there :)

Thanatos340(on landing rounds)--
Landing procedure: Hand all the way up, Feet and Knees Together and PLF soon as you get bitch slapped by a planet.

[lawrocket 3]

Why did the feminist cross the road?

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[FlyingJ 0]

Quote

And an oldie but a goodie:
What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half of a cat.

Brilliant!

What's the best way to stop a clown from laughing?

Hit him in the face with an ax.

Killing threads since 2004.

[Peej 0]

Quote

That pig one is awesome!

Thanks! That's crazy, other than the pig joke the midget with the horse is one of my favourites too!

Advertisio Rodriguez / Sky

[LongWayToFall 0]

What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and a Hoover Vacuum cleaner??

On the Hoover, the dirt-bag is on the inside.

[jimmytavino 16]

so this Woman rushes into the house,
and yells Up the stairs,,,,,
" i've won the lottery!!! pack the bags!"

a mans excited voice, hollars down,
"Should I pack for the mountains, or pack for the beach"???
She replies...
" I don't Care !!!
just GET OUT!">>>>>>
jmy

[Scratch 0]

A guy is busy going down on a girl he picked up in a bar that evening.

30 seconds into the action he sucks out a pea and a piece of carrot.

Shocked he looks up at the girl and asks "What is the matter with you? Are you sick?"

She answers "No, but the guy before you was"

[mutumbo 0]

Why??

Thanatos340(on landing rounds)--
Landing procedure: Hand all the way up, Feet and Knees Together and PLF soon as you get bitch slapped by a planet.

[longtall 0]

THANKS !

" 90 right, five miles then cut."---Pukin Buzzards

[kkeenan 13]

Quote

Please tell me your best joke. Ive been challenged to a joke-off and need some new material. Thanks .

Are you sure you understood correctly ? Maybe you were called a jerk-off and you just misunderstood.

_____________________________________
Dude, you are so awesome...
Can I be on your ash jump ?

[Zenister 0]

A man walks into a bar with a cat and a flamingo. He says to the bartender "Its been a long day. Give me a shot of whiskey with a beer chaser and whatever they want". The Flamingo asks for a daiquiri and the cat says "I want a Long Island Ice tea and a glass of Milk, but I AINT paying for it!"

The bartender looks a puzzled but brings the drinks and tells the man "That will be twenty-one fifty." The man sighs, reaches in his pocket and pulls out twenty one dollars and fifty cents.

Fifteen minutes goes by, and the man asks for another round. "I'll have the same, and whatever they want." The Flamingo says "I want three shots of tequila". The Cat says "I'll have another Long Island Iced tea and a Flaming Doctor Pepper, but I AINT paying for it!!" The bartender rolls his eyes makes the drinks and tells the man "That will be thirty one twenty five." Again the man sighs, reaches in his pocket and pulls out thirty one dollars and twenty five cents.

Another twenty minutes passes and the trio finishes their drinks. The bartender asks the man if he'd like another round. The man says "I'll have a glass of water, and get them whatever they want." The flamingo orders three more shots of tequila with a beer chaser and the cat says "I want a shot of whiskey and a glass of milk, but I AINT paying for it!!!"

The bartender brings out the drinks and tells the man "that will be twenty five seventy five." Again the man sighs, reaches in his pocket and pulls out twenty five dollars and seventy five cents.

As they finish their drinks and get up to leave the bartender says "Excuse me, but do you mind if I ask you a question?"

"Go ahead" the man says.

"Sorry to be prying, but you've been here an hour, had three rounds with different drinks every round, and yet every time I give you the total you've reached into your pocket without looking and pulled out exactly the amount needed. How the hell do you do that?"

The man lets out the loudest sigh yet and says, "Well, its like this..Early this morning I was walking along the beach and saw something sticking out of the sand. I pulled it out and brushed it off and as I did a Genie appeared before me. The Genie said "You have freed me from my imprisonment, as a reward you may have three wishes". I was amazed, but collected my thoughts and said "From this day forward, whenever I want to buy something I want to have the money to do so immediately." DONE! the Genie cried. You have two more wishes, quickly for I must be on my way."
The man thought again for a moment and said.
"I want a chick with long legs and a tight pussy".

____________________________________
Those who fail to learn from the past are simply Doomed.

[mgregory 0]

Two buddy's are sitting in a bar. One guys says to the other, "See that girl down there? She can suck your dick and sing at the same time. She's so proud of this skill that she'll blow you right now. All you have to do is ask." The other guy says, "ok." and walks over to the girl and asks her about her talent. They make plans to meet at her apartment that night so she can show him. Later he arrives at her apartment and she ask, "Are you ready?" He replies, "You betcha." She then explains to him that when she goes down on him the lights MUST be off. He agrees, takes his pants off, and turns out the light. The girls starts going down on him... and it's good. Then she starts singing a beautiful rendition of (Your favorite song goes here). They guy starts thinking... "I need to find out how she does this!" So, he turns on the light and sees her glass eye sitting on the table by her bed.....

AKA MG Hammer Flying Hellfish #834 Son's Of Bacon #1

[Niki1 1]

Quote

Two buddy's are sitting in a bar. One guys says to the other, "See that girl down there? She can suck your dick and sing at the same time. She's so proud of this skill that she'll blow you right now. All you have to do is ask." The other guy says, "ok." and walks over to the girl and asks her about her talent. They make plans to meet at her apartment that night so she can show him. Later he arrives at her apartment and she ask, "Are you ready?" He replies, "You betcha." She then explains to him that when she goes down on him the lights MUST be off. He agrees, takes his pants off, and turns out the light. The girls starts going down on him... and it's good. Then she starts singing a beautiful rendition of (Your favorite song goes here). They guy starts thinking... "I need to find out how she does this!" So, he turns on the light and sees her glass eye sitting on the table by her bed.....

I met that girl! I told her I'd be back that way soon. She said, "I'll keep an eye out for you."

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[Niki1 1]

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I get a free drink if I show you something you've never seen before?" It's a slow night so the bartender says OK. The guy reaches in his coat pocket and pulls out a very little man, just a foot tall, and a piano. The llittle man starts to play beautifully. The bartender is ammazed and says, "Well, I have never seen anything like that. It's certainly worth a drink. But where the hell did you get this little man?"

The man lets out a sigh yet and says, "Well, its like this..Early this morning I was walking along the beach and saw something sticking out of the sand. I pulled it out and brushed it off and as I did a Genie appeared before me. The Genie said "You have freed me from my imprisonment, as a reward you may have one wish". I was amazed, I told him what I wanted. I had to repeat it a few times because he was a bit hard of hearing." Another big sigh.
The bartender says, "One wish and this is what you wnated?" The guy says, "I told you he was hard of hearing, You don't think I asked for a 12 inch pianist do you?"

Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

[freefal 0]

Two guys walk into a bar... The third one ducks.

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!

[freefal 0]

A guy get's pulled over for speeding down south and when the good-ol boy sheriff looks at his license and registration he says (in his thick southern drawl) "Says here you're s'posed to be wearin' glasses.

The guy responds, "I know, but I have contacts."

The sheriff replies, "Boy, I don't care who know. It says right here you're supposed to be wearin' glasses!"

"Ignorance is bliss" and "Patience is a virtue"... So if you're stupid and don't mind waiting around for a while, I guess you can have a pretty good life!