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madhatter

Engaged, but...

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OK, so the poll is black & white, but that's how I live. Not always fun in life, nor in skydiving...

Quick summary - I've known my fiancee for 7+ years, but as she was married for 6 of those, I never made my attraction known. Found out she'd been divorced for almost a year only 4 months ago, started dating and now we're engaged.

Problems:
- She has a daughter, almost 5 years old. i've never been married, no kids. She finds it difficult to accept that I'm willing to accept her child as my own, leading to arguments if I scold the daughter, the fact that I "pay more attention to my god-child", etc.

- I recently opened a wine bar, part of a dream that's been coming almost 10 years. Now I'm not available to give constant attention, spend all her free time with her and there's extreme jealousy regarding the female clients that come to the bar. Quick side note - I've been in sales for 7 years - clients aren't always right, but I always try to keep them happy. Now, just because I smile at someone whilst chatting to them, I would rather be sleeping with them... WTF?

- I'm financially over extended due to starting up a new business, so we can't go out as often as she'd like, or go shopping as we did a few months ago. 9 out of 10 comments seem to be how she's tired of struggling and not being able to enjoy her life.

I've been infatuated with her for 7 years and can honestly say I've grown to love her, but it just seems that what I saw before and got to know shortly after we started dating is completely different to what I'm sharing now. Our engagement was also 90% due to pressure - either get engaged or break up.

Being the Bonfire, even if you've read this far, I know I'm bound to get some smart ass replies, but all I'm really interested in is the first instinct answers which the poll should reflect.
A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
D.S # 125

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Jealousy is a huge red flag. You can try applying tincture of time (i.e. keep things at no more than the current level), but if she starts to want to escalate it's time to cut away.

If nothing else, you're her rebound relationship. Let her figure herself out first. And you have a lot on your own plate with a new business (congratulations)

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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Im no marriage expoert here, but if youre contemplating this seriously enough to put a thread on the forum, then it sounds like youre decision is all but made. how about a little more info on the "future possible wife" such as what caused the divorce? was it messy? clean? is ex hubby still around? has she always been this jealous? does she work? how does she support the kid? is she able to live on her own or is she one of those co-dependent people that as soon as she breaks up with one shes already with the next by the end of the day?

try explaining to her that once business picks up that there will be more free time and money to go around.

sounds to me like you COULD be the rebound guy in this whole thing, NO OFFENSE. just speculation from a random guy.

again not a marriage expert, never been married, but its just food for thought.


edit: wow, glad im not alone on this one Wendy, i didnt get to read her post before i replied but we basically said the same thing.
Thanatos340(on landing rounds)--
Landing procedure: Hand all the way up, Feet and Knees Together and PLF soon as you get bitch slapped by a planet.

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Being the Bonfire, even if you've read this far, I know I'm bound to get some smart ass replies, but all I'm really interested in is the first instinct answers which the poll should reflect.



Smart assed? From whom?:)

1st instinct = take a break. Communicate. Let it sit and simmer, let her figure out who she is wihout her ex.

There you have it.

Now . . . post her boobies.:ph34r::ph34r:
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Based on what you've stated, it sounds like your fiancee has some trust issues. This could be due to her previous marriage or maybe just general insecurities she's always had. I think you may want to sit down and put it all on the table with your fiancee. Let each other know what each other needs, wants and expects and go from there. Just be cautious and don't point fingers, but let her know how you are feeling.
Adrenaline is my crack

DPH #3
D.S. #16 FAG #12 Muff Brother #4406

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Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

You started dating four months ago. She is fairly recently divorced. She pressured you into an engagement. She is already claiming she isn't getting enough _______________ (fill in the blank). She is jealous of your business and clients.

Other than your infatuation with her, you didn't have one positive thing to say about this woman.

Decision made. Consider it rubber stamped.
I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

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chop



Look red, grab red...

Look silver, peel/punch red, grab silver, punch...

Moral: Get your eyes on the reserve and fire it off as soon as you chop!
"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

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In reply to both yourself and Wendy -

She has a job, I'd say average or above average salary (for S Africa), but obviously not juch spare cash.
Divorce came about when hubby had to take a job out of town and was only home weekends and sometimes a week night. She has admitted to suspecting an affair, but that's contradictory to their mutual friends' assesment.
She had 2 previous relationships in the year after her divorce, both about 2-3 months, so I must admit the thought has crossed my mind that she might be in a hurry to find a replacement father...
A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
D.S # 125

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Smart assed? From whom?:)

1st instinct = take a break. Communicate. Let it sit and simmer, let her figure out who she is wihout her ex.

There you have it.

Now . . . post her boobies.:ph34r::ph34r:



Hahaha, I should've known!

The time out thing doesn't really suit her - tried it for a week and I got the engagement/break up ultimatim.
A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
D.S # 125

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Sorry to be so blunt but sounds like she chopped and your the reserve... Cut her loose and give her time to sort out her shit at a minimum.

Just guessing here, but is there any chance she knew on some level that you would be there to "pick up the pieces" so to speak after the divorce?

Also the fact that you didn't really defend her at all in your post makes it look as though you are just looking to the forum for reassurance of a decision you've already made.

Either way good luck, but I think it's time you take a break and focus on your business for a little while.

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Thanks Karen, pretty much what I've tried to do before, but a proper sit-down will be happening this coming weekend. I can understand the insecurities, be it from the previous relationship or just general, but also believe that without trust things will never be OK.
A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
D.S # 125

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Other than your infatuation with her, you didn't have one positive thing to say about this woman.

Decision made. Consider it rubber stamped.



I felt bad the moment I posted this thread, because I think what you said is spot on :(
A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
D.S # 125

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So, after only dating for 4 months she pressured you to marry her? Her motivation to get married so quickly is definitely questionable in my eyes. Tell her you're under a lot of stress with your new business and you need to slow down a little with getting married and focus on the business. If she loves you, she'll understand and want the best for you and your future together.
She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

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Smart assed? From whom?:)

1st instinct = take a break. Communicate. Let it sit and simmer, let her figure out who she is wihout her ex.

There you have it.

Now . . . post her boobies.:ph34r::ph34r:



Hahaha, I should've known!

The time out thing doesn't really suit her - tried it for a week and I got the engagement/break up ultimatim.


Use that to your advantage . . . and let her break up - It will actually be your break-up, she just won't see it that way and will likely have more closure and less animosity. Ultimatums are manipulative, end of story. CHOP IT NOW before you regret it. Hopefully before your bond with the little one grows too strong.

Unfortunately, my cynic side says it sounds like she knows that you have wanted her for a long time and she is scared to be alone, and she is going to use that to her advantage.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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First of all, try talking to her and perhaps counseling instead of a bunch of bums like us:ph34r:
Second, the fact that you have to ask is a big red flag.
Third, if there is no trust, there is no relationship IMHO. Also, her jealousy seems irrational. People will eventually have contact with the opposite sex. Duh!
Fourth, looks like the honeymoon period is over. You are busy, funds are low and life happened. Well, yeah. It would have, sooner or later.

Here is what you can do. If you two decide that your relationship is important enough, get your backsides to a therapist. It would be helpful if she could work on her jealousy separately as well.
If this sounds like way too much effort, then cut her loose.



"I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food."

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Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

You started dating four months ago. She is fairly recently divorced. She pressured you into an engagement. She is already claiming she isn't getting enough _______________ (fill in the blank). She is jealous of your business and clients.

Other than your infatuation with her, you didn't have one positive thing to say about this woman.

Decision made. Consider it rubber stamped.



Yeah, and he may well have started dating her too soon. Her emotions may still be raw from the divorce.

To the OP: Best thing I can say is communicate your feelings to her and see where that goes. At least you haven't married her yet! That's a plus.

ETA: Then there's the possibility she wants a man in her life to help take care of her and her kid. Putting that kind of pressure on anyone is wrong, IMO.
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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ETA: Then there's the possibility she wants a man in her life to help take care of her and her kid. Putting that kind of pressure on anyone is wrong, IMO.



Sad thing is that thought has crossed my mind more often than I like to admit..
A VERY MERRY UNBIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!
D.S # 125

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ETA: Then there's the possibility she wants a man in her life to help take care of her and her kid. Putting that kind of pressure on anyone is wrong, IMO.



Sad thing is that thought has crossed my mind more often than I like to admit..



And it sounds like she is manipulating you to get that.

RUN

RUN - like you stole somethin'!
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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ETA: Then there's the possibility she wants a man in her life to help take care of her and her kid. Putting that kind of pressure on anyone is wrong, IMO.



Sad thing is that thought has crossed my mind more often than I like to admit..


And it sounds like she is manipulating you to get that.

RUN

RUN - like you stole somethin'!


How? She knows where his bar is. [:/]

But I agree that she seems manipulative. Cut away, but tactfully, if nothing else comes to reason.
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Turtle is right - how can we make this assessment unless we can see how hot she is (or is not)?

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

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