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makethejump

Cutaway?

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Hi all,

Seeking some opinions on this.
I got married 5.5 years ago. The marriage has had its ups and downs for sure. After my first deployment Things started feeling weird. I didn't think alot of it because she had been doing everything around the house and it was just taking some time to get adjusted to me being back. This was just a year in to the marriage and things never felt right again. After my second deployment we did try a trial separation which we ended when I had to have emergency surgery and she raced cross country to be by my side. Things started feeling okay after the 6 month break. But not for too long. Things got weird again just neither of us seemed happy as we should be. Earlier this year She called me home from work and told me that she wanted a divorce because she was tired of trying to make things work. My wife is Bipolar and that sent her into a big depressive state. I'm still not sure how it happened but we agreed to try an open marriage until she got out of the funk and we could divorce with her being in a full cognizant mind a few months went by. I Watched her get closer and closer to this one guy and it killed me inside to see it. Finally he dumped her in april after dating for a while (she would frequently spend the night at this guys house). When she got dumped it crushed her. She was depressed even more. I finally drew her out of her funk and we agreed the open marriage thing was over. Well she kept hanging out with one of the guys she had been seeing but had "No sexual interest in the guy" She told me that when it would have been okay for her to have a sexual interest. She doesn't have any friends down here so I let that friend ship slide. Well then she started staying out later and later with this dude and then she'd come home and crash on the couch then take a shower the next morning. I knew something was up so I browsed her yahoo message archive. They had been having sex. For a while it seemed. So I asked her about it and her response was "I thought you knew" She went on to say that she had been under the impression that our open marriage was still in fact going strong. I was crushed and told her I wanted out. She swore how much she loved me and blah blah. The thing is I really do love her so I agreed that we'd get counseling and try to work things out. Well the counseling never happened. After a month things settled out a bit between us but there still seemed to be something odd at work with her. So I once again turned to the yahoo message archive and found out that she had started talking to one of the guys I had been stationed with many years ago. Apparently things felt off after my first deployment because they had hooked up. And they had been going at it off and on since that first year of the marriage. I got reassigned and the guy got reassigned the same place so they continued it after the move too! I found this out a month ago. I'm still in a state of shock about it all. I'm very very torn. I love her but I have a pretty definite pattern here that I can't ignore. I don't feel like I can trust her but I still love her and am having a hard time just cutting a way as it were. I have enrolled in counseling and we have gone to a couple sessions I still feel as confused as I did when this process started one moment I'm sure I want her completely out of my life the next I want her in my life but don't want to be married to her and the next I want to stay with her forever.

Other notes would be when in the past she discovered boys cheating on her she would leave no questions asked. Granted they were dating and not married. She's not really a supporter of me skydiving even though she knows how important it is too me she sees it as a money pit and insane. She's unemployed right now the bipolar makes it hard for her to maintain a full time job. I was okay with this but lately its been bothering me more and more. Not so much that she doesn't work but more that she spends money like shes working even if she's not. Despite me telling her that we need to cut back on expenses. I'm down to one jump a month :( And thats just to maintain some proficiency.
Seriously I have no Idea what the fuck to do. The whole situation sucks and I don't think there is a 100 percent right solution in this.

The wife has stopped taking to the guy who was my friend and has agreed to let me "monitor" her so I can trust her. While I want to trust her I don't feel like I can and monitoring her isn't exactly trusting her either and its no way for us to live.

Any thoughts. This post is as much to just have me type it all out and kind of work through stuff on my own as actually seeking advice. I know that its my decision and that no one will blame me either way I go with this. Anyway if you have a thought feel free to post it or pm me with it. I'll check back tonight I'm gonna go launch myself from an airplane.

oh also no kids just about a half dozen pets. Sorry about the formatting and if this doesn't make any sense I just don't feel like going back and proof reading it.

Fuck this sucks

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...told me that she wanted a divorce because she was tired of trying to make things work. My wife is Bipolar...





Well...that's as far as I had to read~:)

You do understand life is short and you're the one responsible for your own happiness right?

Chop it and don't chase it.










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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It happens alot, especially with group deployments back to back with only a short layoff inbetween. There is a reason that there is a high rate of divorce in this line of work.

Cut away, let it go, get a few demos and try and see which one you want to invest in.
"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

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The wife has stopped taking to the guy who was my friend and has agreed to let me "monitor" her so I can trust her. While I want to trust her I don't feel like I can and monitoring her isn't exactly trusting her either and its no way for us to live.



You were doing that before when you were looking through her messages without her knowledge. To me, it was over the minute you felt you needed to because you could no longer believe her.

IMO once people get to where they "snoop" or "investigate" their SO they are only doing so to know for themselves, the relationship is over.

During the open marriage part did you date and have sex with other women?

You don't trust her, in this case rightfully so.
Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

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It happens alot, especially with group deployments back to back with only a short layoff inbetween. There is a reason that there is a high rate of divorce in this line of work.

Cut away, let it go, get a few demos and try and see which one you want to invest in.




Yup...always better to rent until ya find a good fit.










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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It would be insensitive of me to just say "cutaway"... But in all honesty based on the available information it seems the obvious solution.

I know all too well how difficult it is to let go of someone you love, even when you are 100% sure the relationship is NOT working... In fact, I think you'll find lots of people on here have come out of unhealthy relationships feeling absolutely devastated that they've lost the person they love(d).

The thing is, you owe it to yourself to be in a healthy, supportive, loving relationship. And this really doesn't sound like one. A good relationship should encourage you to grow - to be a better person. I'm sorry, but it sounds like she is dragging you down.

Blaming any of this on her being bi-polar is really giving her an excuse to do whatever she wants, and she is not respecting you by having an "open relationship" because it's something you are not comfortable with. It would be ok if it were mutually ok with both of you, but it's clear you're not ok with it. She wants to keep you AND play the field, which is very, very selfish.

From what you're saying, you are making all the compromises and she is doing whatever she wants. Do you really want to be with someone who places her own happiness above yours? Do you think it's ok that you support her in this way but she doesn't respect how you feel (ie: not going to therapy, for instance)? Relationships are a two-way street, mate. This one sounds like you're doing all the giving and she's doing all the taking.

Sorry if that's harsh, but from what you've said this relationship seems to be very unhealthy and it's eating away at you. Don't underestimate how damaging that can be...
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Hey, man, it sucks the situation you're in and there's every reason for you to feel sad and hurt by the failure of your marriage.

But there are lots of other girls out there and there is one who will love you and devote herself to you just as you're going to love her, &c.

Cutaway, get yourself back together and when the time is right, you'll find the girl for you.

Good luck.
"Even in a world where perfection is unattainable, there's still a difference between excellence and mediocrity." Gary73

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I don't exactly know what you are going through .. but I'm an old fashioned, old guy and a relationship needs to be based upon mutual respect and honesty... accept anything less and one is in for a world of hurt.

I wouldn't presume to advice you what to do, other than - look inside your self and see what it is you have and what you want. It's your life and you need to decide what you want and set the limits for what you'll accept.

.

(.)Y(.)
Chivalry is not dead; it only sleeps for want of work to do. - Jerome K Jerome

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Didn't read it all to long. I have a question for you. Do you realize you are asking marriage advice on an Internet message board? And a skydiver message board at that? Do you understand how fucked up that is? LOL that right there tells me you really need out of this relationship in the worst way and you need to get in to counseling to fix what's messed up with you before you repeat this nightmare.

MAKE EVERY DAY COUNT
Life is Short and we never know how long we are going to have. We must live life to the fullest EVERY DAY. Everything we do should have a greater purpose.

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Didn't read it all to long. I have a question for you. Do you realize you are asking marriage advice on an Internet message board? And a skydiver message board at that? Do you understand how fucked up that is? LOL that right there tells me you really need out of this relationship in the worst way and you need to get in to counseling to fix what's messed up with you before you repeat this nightmare.



I'm not sure, but I think we were just insulted!>:(

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

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Didn't read it all to long. I have a question for you. Do you realize you are asking marriage advice on an Internet message board? And a skydiver message board at that? Do you understand how fucked up that is? LOL that right there tells me you really need out of this relationship in the worst way and you need to get in to counseling to fix what's messed up with you before you repeat this nightmare.



I'm not sure, but I think we were just insulted!>:(Nah just pointing out the obvious :) now if he was asking advice in how to bang the new hot skydiver check that just moved in to town or how to get over the fact the dz ho is banging the new ti instead if him then I would say he came to the right place

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D


MAKE EVERY DAY COUNT
Life is Short and we never know how long we are going to have. We must live life to the fullest EVERY DAY. Everything we do should have a greater purpose.

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Didn't read it all to long. I have a question for you. Do you realize you are asking marriage advice on an Internet message board? And a skydiver message board at that? Do you understand how fucked up that is? LOL that right there tells me you really need out of this relationship in the worst way and you need to get in to counseling to fix what's messed up with you before you repeat this nightmare.



I know this isn't the best place to seek advice... Alot of that was for me to type it all out and maybe absorb a little better whats actually happened. So I can start to actually work through things.

The whole thing is still pretty surreal to me. I do appreciate the responses and PM's

Thanks Guys.

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Didn't read it all to long. I have a question for you. Do you realize you are asking marriage advice on an Internet message board? And a skydiver message board at that? Do you understand how fucked up that is? LOL that right there tells me you really need out of this relationship in the worst way and you need to get in to counseling to fix what's messed up with you before you repeat this nightmare.



I'm not sure, but I think we were just insulted!>:(

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D


Sometimes the truth hurts.[:/]
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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People always ask "how to save the relationship" as if it has some overall value of its own, regardless of content.
Usually, it is at a point where it has no value.

It always reminds me of the scene from Airplane where
one woman says to another,
"Well, to be honest, I've never been so scared. But at least I have a husband."

Go find someone who treats you well.

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Well one issue that was presented by you is that she is Bi-Polar. This is more of an issue than what you probably originally thought. I was dating a bi-polar girl BEFORE I deployed into the army. I was running at least two miles a day before I shipped out and around a month before I left for basic training I was running and went to her house after she invited me over. Well I had just ran two miles and I was thirsty, so when I arrived at her place I instictivly took a drink of her coke and instantly she went off on a tangent yelling at me and then perhaps 20 seconds later she was crying uncontrollably. I later found out she wasnt taking her Lithium and that was affecting her mood swings. I asked her if she planned on taking her medicine around a week later and she told me to fuck off first and get out of her business...to which I departed and never spoke to her again. Sometimes we feel like we as spouses can 'assist' them to recovery, but in most instances the mood swings associated with the bi-polar state in their minds is often too much to bite off. I would just get some space from her and start living a new life...and make a prerequisite for new women to be NOT on mind-altering drugs. Just my .02 cents.

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