Post-nuptial shut-off

[wolfriverjoe 1,339]

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This is what so many miss.
It's all about "me, me, ME" these days.
A loving relationship isn't about what you get out of it, it's what you put in it.
When you love someone you are more focused on making them happy than being self centered.
Making someone else happy provides an amazing amount of positive feedback.
"When mama's happy, everybody's happy" is a very true perspective.

At least this is how I see it.

There's a lot of truth there. I once heard that if both partners were ok with a 60/40 split (each gives 60 and expects 40 back) that it would work out.

But when it goes to 90/10 it stops being ok.

When it goes to "Give me everything I want and I might give you just a little bit", then it's over. Or will soon be.

Note: I'm still a little bitter, but I fully realize not all women are like this. I just have to find one who isn't.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[OlympiaStoica 0]

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There's a lot of truth there. I once heard that if both partners were ok with a 60/40 split (each gives 60 and expects 40 back) that it would work out.

But when it goes to 90/10 it stops being ok.

When it goes to "Give me everything I want and I might give you just a little bit", then it's over. Or will soon be.

Note: I'm still a little bitter, but I fully realize not all women are like this. I just have to find one who isn't.

Don't make this a woman/man thing ... there are selfish people of both sexes. Also, you may want to wait until the "bitter" wears off a bit before entering a new relationship. If you don't, you'll end up being the "taker" in your next one ... or take it out on the next one ... and that doesn't work either.

O

[skymama 35]

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When you love someone you are more focused on making them happy than being self centered.

And when you are doing things for the other person, it should be because you genuinely want to make them happy. I once had a man tell me that he should get sex in return for giving a woman flowers. That makes the gesture about him and not about her which kinda ruins it, in my opinion.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[normiss 620]

So if flowers don't work...what should I get you???

[turtlespeed 212]

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So if flowers don't work...what should I get you???

heh . . . Maybe this?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[wolfriverjoe 1,339]

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There's a lot of truth there. I once heard that if both partners were ok with a 60/40 split (each gives 60 and expects 40 back) that it would work out.

But when it goes to 90/10 it stops being ok.

When it goes to "Give me everything I want and I might give you just a little bit", then it's over. Or will soon be.

Note: I'm still a little bitter, but I fully realize not all women are like this. I just have to find one who isn't.

Don't make this a woman/man thing ... there are selfish people of both sexes. Also, you may want to wait until the "bitter" wears off a bit before entering a new relationship. If you don't, you'll end up being the "taker" in your next one ... or take it out on the next one ... and that doesn't work either.

O

Well, for me it's a woman thing. Mainly because I won't be getting into a romantic relationship with a guy

I left "man" or "woman" out of the main part of my post on purpose. Because it does happen to and because of both sides.

The "bitterness" extends only to one person. Someone had the sigline "Holding on to a resntment is like holding a hot coal and hoping the other person gets burned." So I am working on forgiveness, and have come a long way, but it can be hard.

And while I am looking for a relationship, I am being fairly careful in the selection process. Looking for honesty and selfishness (or lack of) in all areas, not just towards me.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

I don't know about you guys but I'm actually at my best when I'm in a relationship.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[JohnMitchell 14]

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So if flowers don't work...what should I get you???

Candy is dandy
But liquor is quicker.

[JohnMitchell 14]

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I don't know about you guys but I'm actually at my best when I'm in a relationship.

Aren't we all?
My gal has really done a lot for me.

[wmw999 2,114]

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Holding on to a resntment is like holding a hot coal and hoping the other person gets burned

Oh I like that!

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[jtval 0]

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So, I see you met my ex-husband ... you're describing my 10 years with him. I was constantly giving and he was constantly taking - after 5+ years of that, I lost interest in him ... sexually or otherwise. My only regret is not getting out then ... and trying (in vain) for 5 more years after that.

The point has already been made here ... if we feel constantly neglected and taken for granted, we might still feel horny, just not horny for you. (Btw, I chose B.O.B. instead of cheating ... nothing justifies cheating in my book.)

O

During those 5 years what did you do to try to help him understand?

Listen, I'm not picking on you but I just chose this post to reply to. I have also never been married so many will see my post as useless.
However, a lot of those who had failed marriages always point the finger. "he did this. she did that."
A marriage/ relationship is ABSOLUTELY nothing without communication.
Communication doesn't always bring a smile to your face.
It also shouldeta:not be expressed by screaming. If people can not communicate their needs to their loved one without getting angry or loud then it is THEIR shortcoming.

That's the basics of a happy relationship. Love is not a fairy tale. it is not "happily ever after..." all the time.
If you can not face the fact that life will be very hard sometimes and if you're not willing to work it out than you should not have been married in the first place.

In your case, your Ex- may have been a complete douche but you need to stop worrying about what he did to you and learn from it. Was there something you could have done to communicate your needs more clearly? Your life should no longer be about him.
If there IS something that you were able to learn from that relationship- take that lesson into your next one. Though, it may not apply.


I definitely agree that there is no reason good enough to cheat. If I felt the need to cheat I would break the relationship first.
Cheating only lessens my self worth, as well as everyone involved.

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[theonlyski 3]

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Less than a month after we were married my husband told me he was no longer attracted to me. That was the beginning of the end.

Did he start batting for the other team?

Or did he just go blind?

I never understand that... some HOT chicks out there got husbands that completely just ignore them.

The worst ones are the guys that play WoW... I know of women who would get naked and go sit on their husbands lap, or start giving him head, only for him to tell her to stop so he can play.

I don't see it... If a chick gets on my lap naked, I don't remember what my computer looks like.

Tell me about it

So, how YOU doin?

"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

[theonlyski 3]

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So when is it OK for the man to cheat? Weight gain is pretty good reason imo. You know she is not meeting my needs for visual stimulus and what not.

Yeah ... totally .

So its okay for a woman to cheat but its never okay for the man to cheat?

I dont believe anyone said it was ok for a woman to cheat... Unless youre of the state of mind that masturbating is cheating (yes, we were actually told that during our premarital counseling...).

Yeah, hes in the wrong line of work for that... let me know how long that lasts during his deployments...

"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

[normiss 620]

I'm pretty sure she prefers wine!

[Andy9o8 0]

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Unless youre of the state of mind that masturbating is cheating (yes, we were actually told that during our premarital counseling...).

If you don't mind my asking, what type of counselor told you that? By any chance were you told that during church-based "premarital counseling"? Or was it from a professional counselor unconnected to any church or religious organization?

[happythoughts 0]

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Note: I'm still a little bitter, but I fully realize not all women are like this. I just have to find one who isn't.

That creates an easy part and a hard part.

People should learn from their past and not repeat mistakes.
However, baggage is expecting those problems with all future individuals.

So, it makes dating and relationships easier in one way.
The other person actually has to treat you well.
That is the valid expectation for a relationship.

However, it makes relationships harder in another way.
You end up making good treatment the entry criteria.
(Your definition of good treatment, not their definition)
When this fails to occur, you discover that there are some
people who have significant reasons for remaining single.
They will characterize it as your problem when you distance
yourself from their behavior.

[shah269 0]

What came first the sex diet or the anger?
I don't know but I know the sex diet feed the anger and the anger feed the sex diet which created the frustration and so much sadness.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[OlympiaStoica 0]

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During those 5 years what did you do to try to help him understand?

Everything ... and then some; that is why it took 5 more years of trying. Not to stereotype here, but he is Muslim, a self-professed "modern and enlighten" one, but still pretty traditional as it turned out. I tried over and over and over to tell him that carrying the burden of our entire relationship on my shoulders is wearing me out. I wasn't a stay-at-home wife ... I was bringing home six figures and building a career, so I felt it was unfair that I was doing everything and he did nothing.

I've learned my lesson ... I moved on ... there is nothing that indicates otherwise in what I've said, so you are picking on me
O

[turtlespeed 212]

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What came first the sex diet or the anger?
I don't know but I know the sex diet feed the anger and the anger feed the sex diet which created the frustration and so much sadness.

And doing the same thing expectig different results is . . . what?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[shah269 0]

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What came first the sex diet or the anger?
I don't know but I know the sex diet feed the anger and the anger feed the sex diet which created the frustration and so much sadness.

And doing the same thing expectig different results is . . . what?

Divorce.
I borached the subject and asked if she would like to seek help. Go figure right?

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[turtlespeed 212]

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What came first the sex diet or the anger?
I don't know but I know the sex diet feed the anger and the anger feed the sex diet which created the frustration and so much sadness.

And doing the same thing expectig different results is . . . what?

Divorce.
I borached the subject and asked if she would like to seek help. Go figure right?

In the realm of would-a-should-a-could-a, one can see the future perfectly.

Time to move on -

My point is - IF you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result . . .

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[jtval 0]

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..., so you are picking on me
O

Get over yourself. You take a comment too seriously/personal.

My photos

My Videos

[shah269 0]

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My point is - IF you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result . . .

Yeah the next time I'll listen to my friends and just have something going on the side.

That or well don't baby the next girl.
She should work as hard as I do.
And if it means having to wash my clothes and her washing her own clothes or me making dinner just for me then so be it.
I had it comming, I turned my self into a welcome mat. It was 100% my fault. I was not an equal partner and thus she lost respect in me.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[turtlespeed 212]

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My point is - IF you keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result . . .

Yeah the next time I'll listen to my friends and just have something going on the side.

That or well don't baby the next girl.
She should work as hard as I do.
And if it means having to wash my clothes and her washing her own clothes or me making dinner just for me then so be it.
I had it comming, I turned my self into a welcome mat. It was 100% my fault. I was not an equal partner and thus she lost respect in me.

Smothering, expectations, agendas, expecting to be mothered.

Well I guess it's not a total loss.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[JohnMitchell 14]

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I wasn't a stay-at-home wife ... I was bringing home six figures and building a career, so I felt it was unfair that I was doing everything and he did nothing.

Damn, I could certainly have been a great Mr. Mom in that kind of relationship.

"What time you want dinner on the table, Honey?"

Sure as hell wouldn't make me insecure, just well kept.