A statement you can't think your way out of.

[shah269 0]

A bit of background, all of my non skydiving friends are either married or married with kids. I am the only divorced one. And so I'm without direction at times and sadly none of these friends can help due to simply not being able to relate.

So I went online on another forum where I recall a few of the people were divorced and asked the simple question "Is there light at the end of the tunnel and how did you recover? Are you the same person as you were before?"

I got the usual lines of "man up" "You got off lucky" and what not. But there was one line that really got me and I can't get it out of my head.
I can't argue it away for the reasoning was so spot on it blew me out of the water.

Now I have the short term memory of a gold fish, but things like this stick in my head. Have you ever had someone lay a statement on you that was offensive yet you could not defend against it?

Their logic was too clean and the results were self evident?

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[thrillstalker 0]

knowing the statement could help...

"Never grow a wishbone, where your backbone ought to be."

[shah269 0]

Quote

knowing the statement could help...

Sure why not.

It was something that went "If you weren't an asshole one of your friends wives would have set you up on a date and you would not be asking this question."

I don't think I'm an ass hole. Due to not having much of a family there isn't much I would not do for my friends skydiver or other. And when I was married If a friend was down due to being single or recetly dumped my x wife and I would always set up a friend on a date.

Yeah sure I'm picky as to the "type" of girl I'm interested in and I don't want to have kids....but an ass hole?

But well...as I said....his logic is spot on. Thus far, not one friend has even tried.

So using that logic, I am an ass hole

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[wmw999 2,121]

I'm not an asshole, and no one ever set me up on a date while I was single. Actually, I had to go looking for dates. Not huge, not ugly.

Your friend is wrong. And anyway, I don't think you're an asshole. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but you'd sure be boring if you were.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[NWFlyer 2]

No comment on whether you're an asshole, but you answered your own question. You threw out two criteria which are likely to significantly reduce your dating pool (particular requirements for looks, and not wanting to have children). Your friends (or their wives) might know a fantastic size 10 who doesn't want kids, or a size 4 who does want kids, but they may not know any single women who meet both of those criteria. Why on earth would they set you up with someone who they know to be incompatible with what you're looking for?

Also, some people just don't set people up for any number of reasons. I can count on one hand the number of setups I've arranged in my life (and still have fingers left over).

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[shah269 0]

Thanks Wendy. I appreciate it.
But it's just one of those things....talk about spot on. You know they are wrong....well you hope they are....but the facts arn't proving them wrong.

Well I guess any one can cast a stone.

NWFlyer
I agree with you, not wanting to have kids has been a serious issue. I have been screamed at twice on first dates by women for not wanting to have kids.
I mean what can you do? I don't want them.
And the "type", look we all have what turns us on right? So mine is on the skinner side. I'm sure there plenty of girls who only date guys of a minium height as well.

Well at least I can get in the air in a few month. I miss the big blue. I miss the quiet of it all.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[NWFlyer 2]

Quote

And the "type", look we all have what turns us on right? So mine is on the skinner side. I'm sure there plenty of girls who only date guys of a minium height as well.

Yep, that's the other half of the equation. They may know people who fit your criteria, but you don't fit theirs. Thus no match.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[wmw999 2,121]

What are you willing to give up in order to get the physical type and no-kids? Older women are more likely not to want kids (that's an example).

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[shah269 0]

NWFlyer, Wendy,
Very true. My friends know my "life" and know what I like and dislike and my thoughts about kids. Love them but don't want to have any of my own.
After all I have taken most of them rock climbing or on motorcycle rides or just long hikes and skiing in Vermont.

I guess that's why when my Yoga instructor of 4 years found out I was dating agian she told me to date no older than 25, i'm 34. Maybe she knew me and the world.

I still don't think I'm an ass hole though....

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[Nightingale 0]

Quote

NWFlyer
I agree with you, not wanting to have kids has been a serious issue. I have been screamed at twice on first dates by women for not wanting to have kids.
I mean what can you do? I don't want them.
And the "type", look we all have what turns us on right? So mine is on the skinner side. I'm sure there plenty of girls who only date guys of a minium height as well.

Well at least I can get in the air in a few month. I miss the big blue. I miss the quiet of it all.

Personally, I like playing matchmaker. I was just a bridesmaid in the wedding of a couple I introduced. =) I've never met you in person, and I have no idea if you're an asshole or not. But, just from what you've said online, I wouldn't set you up with any of my friends, even though I've probably got a half dozen that love cats, don't want kids, and are size 8 or smaller. And yeah, the reason is your "size 8" requirement.

My reasoning is this: Having your partner be a certain body size/shape seems very important to you. And while people may meet your ideal now, in ten or twenty years, maybe not, and maybe for reasons they can't control, like thyroid problems or medications. While we can control many factors that influence our appearance, we can't control them all, so having "size 8 or smaller" as a "must have" in a partner simply does not bode well for a long term relationship. I would never pair a friend up with a guy when it seems like there's a good chance he'll go "See ya!" if her appearance changes, even if he's a totally wonderful guy in every other way.

[vanair 0]

Yes there is light, 13 yrs ago after being married for 4 yrs I came home from a weekend visiting my parents. There was a note saying she was sorry, all of her stuff and alot of mine was gone. She worked for a co. that would sent her to Hong Kong twice a year for about 10 days to work. She asked several times, What if they offer me the job in Hong Kong. I said honey we aint going to Hong Kong. Turns out I was half right. I saw her 6 months later in divorce court. I was devastated, I spend about 6 months crying. I ended up getting fired two weeks before Xmas. I had a pretty good job selling Mercedes. But not very effective sitting at my desk crying. But it was a kick in my butt. I got a full time job come spring in the sport we love. So that winter I went on un-employment and spend my time working as a volunteer at the hospital that saved my life 15 years earlier. I had a motorcycle accident that the Dr. said if I was 5 min later I'd be dead. Very therapeutic. Took me about a year before I could date. Then about a year later. I met my current wife when she came to make her first tandem. I was her TI, kinda cool that we have on video the fist time we met, there was an obvious attraction on both sides. Been married for 9 yrs, not all roses but happier than I ever was. Yes there is light. So hang in there!!

[cocheese 0]

Dude, give it up with the search for the right one. Be thankful you are free man. Now go have fun and the right one will find you.

[TriGirl 268]

Quote

NWFlyer
I agree with you, not wanting to have kids has been a serious issue. I have been screamed at twice on first dates by women for not wanting to have kids.
I mean what can you do? I don't want them.

Believe it or not, I've lost several guys early on for the same reason. I also had someone tell me once that I was selfish for not wanting kids!

Screamed at? That sucks. Sounds like a few more cases of people calling it dating, but really conducting marriage interviews! Oh, and none of my friends fix me up, either. However, at least two couples I've introduced have ultimately married.

See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

[billvon 2,400]

>I agree with you, not wanting to have kids has been a serious issue. I
>have been screamed at twice on first dates by women for not wanting to
>have kids. I mean what can you do? I don't want them.

>And the "type", look we all have what turns us on right? So mine is on the
>skinner side. I'm sure there plenty of girls who only date guys of a minium
>height as well.

There's no problem with either one of those things, if they are hard and fast requirements for you. But it also greatly diminishes your odds of meeting someone if you can't budge on them. It also means that people will be much less likely to be able to set you up with people, since those requirements both limit the available pool and are the first indication of your desires.

The equivalent here would be a woman who says "I only want to meet rich, powerful men who look like George Clooney and have great bodies." Even if she was a good friend of mine, I probably wouldn't try to set them up with anyone I know, because I don't know many people who would be happy with a golddigger.

It's a tradeoff. If being alone is an acceptable outcome, then the only thing you really have a responsibility to do is to be clear about your needs up front (i.e. "I don't want to see you again if you are a size X or larger, or if you become a size X in the future") But if you really want to meet someone, you may have to compromise.

[popsjumper 2]

...you're just like a woman...never happy with what she's got.

My reality and yours are quite different.
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.
Falcon5232, SCS8170, SCSA353, POPS9398, DS239

[Amazon 7]

Quote

...you're just like a woman...never happy with what she's got.

Eau contrare mon ami...... tht is that the toy store is for... you can ALWAYS buy one more interesting.

[sandi 0]

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It was something that went "If you weren't an asshole one of your friends wives would have set you up on a date and you would not be asking this question."

OK, wait a minute, none of my friends ever set me up. Does that mean I'm an asshole? I've been single for years now. Hmmm, maybe I should think about this...

[shah269 0]

Quote

Dude, give it up with the search for the right one. Be thankful you are free man. Now go have fun and the right one will find you.

NO mate, I'll be 100% there is no way I can even consider getting into a long term relationship. The divorce left me.....with some serious trust issues. And where there is no trust there can be no stability. So I'm not looking for anything other than a dinner out or a movie.

What got me is the persons statement regarding my friends thinking i'm an asshole. I care deeply about my friends. I had about 10 invites to dinner with the wife and kids for new years.....which I politely turned down. So that was nice. But, the guys logic.....well....kind of hard to spin. After all no one wants to be an asshole.

As for a partner who is a size medium, aka 8ish. Everyone one has a list of key physical features either known or unknown that turn them on. Unless you are a lab rat you have a good idea what you want and don't want in a partner.

And if that's all it takes for some to consider me an asshole....well then you know what.....I'll take that. At least I'm honest with myself and I know what makes me happy and what I'm looking for in a life parther or an evening dinner date
Like women don't have a finite quanta as to what they like.

But we digress.....you know it could be the "friend" they are mostly engineers and well....there is that joke about engineers and social situations. And this introduction would be a social situation....

Who know.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[shah269 0]

Quote

OK, wait a minute, none of my friends ever set me up. Does that mean I'm an asshole? I've been single for years now. Hmmm, maybe I should think about this...

Don't think about it. It's a line of logic that will really make you question who your close friends are

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[fanya 3]

Ya know, I rarely post here but fuck.

Every time I see a whiny bitch thread you magically seem to be the poster. Coincidence? I don't know.

Anyway, you can either work on yourself, try to find some truths and move on or you can wallow in your woe is me self pity. The reality of life is it sucks sometimes. You can either man up learn some lessons, or continue in the rut you are in.

My advice to you, which you won't take anyway is enjoy your time with yourself. Learn how to trust and love yourself and then eventually you can trust and love other people again. There can be no joy without pain, there can be no mountains without valleys, there can be no highs without lows.

If you haven't read "The Prophet" (google that shit the entire book is available for free online) you should. And if you have read it, read it again and find some new truths in it.

Oh and one truth I have found is there is no meaning to life but to live life. That truth may change for me eventually but for now that is where it stands.

Flame away.

[shah269 0]

Quote

If you haven't read "The Prophet"

They wrote a book about me!
Well.....I hope they got all the facts right!

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[Nataly 38]

Here's my two cents... Irrespective of who you are, I think the statement is silly. I have never set up any of my friends. Ever. At the same time, none of my friends have ever tried to set me up and I wouldn't want them to. So there. Some people just don't do that sort of thing and I don't think that makes them or me an asshole.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[jonstark 8]

To quote "Marathon Man" with Dustin Hoffman.

"You can have pain or you can have relief. The choice is yours."

Think your way outta that.
jon

[shah269 0]

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To quote "Marathon Man" with Dustin Hoffman.

"You can have pain or you can have relief. The choice is yours."

Think your way outta that.
jon

Well that's just basic brain chemistry / Buddhism.
As magnificent as our brains are we can only hold one emotion at a time.

But I see where you are coming from.
I guess the thing that is hard for me to bend my brain around is that I always set up my friends when I knew they were single or down. I just wanted to see them happy. Even if it was just for one evening and one dinner date.

But that's just me. And not everyone is like me, thank god.

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[Ron 7]

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It was something that went "If you weren't an asshole one of your friends wives would have set you up on a date and you would not be asking this question."

Ignore it.

A friend always used to say: If one person thinks you are an ahole.... Ignore them. If two think you are an ahole... Think about it. If a whole room full of people think you are an ahole... embrace it!!!!

He also used to say that if you have not pissed off at least one person, or been in jail at least once... you are not trying.

Do online dating.... I know plenty of people that have met that way.

As for people not offering to hook you up.... Well, I have several single friends and I don't go around trying to marry them all off. If one asked me to help them out, I would try. But for the most part, I don't play matchmaker.

Also.... If you come across as 'needing' to find someone, that send people running to the hills. Enjoy your life and you will be a beacon for the type of person that you want and that wants you.

Live YOUR life and a person that fits with you will slip right in... Run around looking to find someone and you will be trying to force a relationship. Never works out.

"No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms." -- Thomas Jefferson, Thomas Jefferson Papers, 334