shah269 0 #1 January 30, 2011 I'm sorry to mess with peoples Zen this early on a Sunday morning. But I'm in a place where I really have no one to ask for advice since none of my friends, thank god, are in my boat or even close to it. Here is a bit of history to help the story line. I met my x wife while I was working in Finland. It was accidental, I wasn't suppose to be at a given spot and she wasn't either and well I guess the universe had plans for us. We dated, I lost my job there and returned to the states, I wanted her to come over but the US embassy wasn't too nappy with her visiting an Iranian and rejected her visa. A few very stressful months and a threat form a Col to shut down the US embassy and one quick expensive flight to Finland to get married and we were together. The long and short of it we had to fight very hard to be with one another. And we were soul mates. We would finish each others sentences and were very close. I worked my ass off to assure that I could be a good husband and encouraged and paid for her education and while she was at school I did the right thing and cleaned the house and took care of the odds and ends to assure the least stress on her. For a lack of a better word, I screwed up. I turned myself into a door mat. My life, my dreams and my view of the world. She was my wife, my friend, my partner in crime and my soul mate. The subsequent divorce happened fast. One weekend her and I are making plans for a quick three day trip to New Orleans and 5 days later I get a text message that she wanted a divorce. That was a year ago. And so here I am, a half dozen dates later, half way through my EMBA......and driving home last night I had this nutty thought.....I had no clue who the hell I was. For those who have gone through this, all my friends are married and have kids, how long did it take you to figure out who the hell you were again? Any good books which can help with this? I greatly appreciate any help. And again sorry for bring a downer on a Sunday morning. ShahLife through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Deisel 35 #2 January 30, 2011 Stay strong bro - The shit does get better eventually. It took me about 18 months or so. Find new friends and let yourself enjoy life. The best way to get over a woman? Get on top of a new one! DThe brave may not live forever, but the timid never live at all. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #3 January 30, 2011 Deisel Thanks mate. As I was telling someone a few weeks back, I wish I had met my x like so many meet their partners.....by accident at some stupid party. Fighting the US embassy and having it all die so fast...it's anti climactic. In a way I wish there were more to the divorce than what it was. In a sick way if the body and the mind do not feel the trauma the injury will never heal.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
masterrig 1 #4 January 30, 2011 There's no time limit or anything else. It'll fade away. You just go-on with your life. Circumstances will change, new people will come into your life and you just tough it out. Put it behind you and see what's around the next bend. Chuck Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,120 #5 January 30, 2011 It took me about 2 years; and I'd been separated for a couple of years before being divorced. Before I was really ready to share my life with someone, I had to figure out what I wanted in my life that I could control, and make sure that was included. That's a trial and error process, but I kind of liked the result -- I already had a life I liked, and knew what I needed for myself. I'd say that each person is different, but remember that you're not the same person that you were before you got married, and you need to figure out who you are now, and how to fix what you contributed to the marriage failure. Because each party contributes something, and you can only address the ones that you're in charge of. People are naturally attracted to others who are comfortable with themselves, and who therefore set up some decent and comfortable boundaries around their needs. Think about it; aren't the most interesting people the ones who are pretty comfortabel with themselves? Those are also the ones who always have fun regardless, too. So if you are, by nature, a somewhat happy-go-lucky guy, hardworking, with a somewhat crude sense of humor (), don't go looking for a delicate damsel. Find the one who you can be friends as well as boyfriend with, and embrace her when she burps out loud in public (or something like that). Wendy P. There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #6 January 30, 2011 Don't you just hate it when therapists are right. 1-5 years were the numbers. Helps if you have an minor in psych. Your therapist will love and hate you. Love you because you two can have an adult discussion. They will hate you because well...you know exactly what they are going to ask next and thus there is no "magic" and as such they can't "cure" you of yourself. 5 years to figure out who the hell I am..........I'm 34 now, 4 more years to go. I'll be 38. Just goes to show you the best laid plans. And honestly, sadly, I have no idea what I did wrong. Like I said, one day i was being told I was the best husband ever for making dinner and folding the clothes while she was at night school.....and then next day I'm getting a text message. Thank god for the big blue and the open road and that spring is only a few month away. I miss my friends, and I really miss the big blue.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
IanHarrop 37 #7 January 30, 2011 My best suggestion: Think less, jump more My marriage was over long before I got divorced and it a couple of years after that before I really was interested in a relationship. Give yourself time. When it comes to meeting women, jumping more is a good thing. Someone who is having fun is more fun to be with. As for knowing who you are... give that quest the heave ho. I figure I'll know who I am about 10 minutes before I die of old age. There are things to worry about, but they are pretty damn few."Where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me" Dorothy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #8 January 30, 2011 IanHarrop I guess you are right. I based my identity on being someones husband and trying to be a good one. I think the next time around, if i ever take that risk ever again, I think sadly I will have to be significantly colder and more guarded to prevent my identity to be over run by the relationship. It was nice though, while it lasted. That blind faith and unquestioned trust in someone. Not going to do that again, if i do ever figure out who the hell I am, I'm not going to give it up ever again.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airdvr 197 #9 January 30, 2011 I'll suggest that you had a warped viewpoint of your relationship. You might have thought you were 'soul-mates'...pretty sure she didn't or it wouldn't have ended as quickly as it did. Get back out there...just remember the $200 rule Please don't dent the planet. Destinations by Roxanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
warpedskydiver 0 #10 January 30, 2011 Quote I'll suggest that you had a warped viewpoint of your relationship. You might have thought you were 'soul-mates'...pretty sure she didn't or it wouldn't have ended as quickly as it did. Get back out there...just remember the $200 rule Excuse me? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JohnMitchell 14 #11 January 30, 2011 Quote And honestly, sadly, I have no idea what I did wrong. Like I said, one day i was being told I was the best husband ever for making dinner and folding the clothes while she was at night school.....and then next day I'm getting a text message. I knew a skydiver couple who split up days after her finishing grad school through which he had supported her. I never saw that woman again. Maybe your gal was just a chronic user, I don't know. But it fits the pattern. Quit thinking there was something you could have done to change things, because there wasn't. You were just unfortunate to get caught up in her plans. Know that they are not all like that. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Roxxx 0 #12 January 30, 2011 it takes about 100 jumps. [/cool] Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shmuelrich 0 #13 January 30, 2011 Whats the $200 rule?? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
airdvr 197 #14 January 30, 2011 QuoteWhats the $200 rule?? http://www.dropzone.com/cgi-bin/forum/gforum.cgi?post=4039059;sb=post_latest_reply;so=ASC;forum_view=forum_view_collapsed;;page=unread#unreadPlease don't dent the planet. Destinations by Roxanne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #15 January 30, 2011 She just wasn't that into you, period. Folding more pairs of her panties or being less or a doormat wouldn't matter; she just wasn't that into you. The next time you start analyizing the situation, just stop yourself mid-thought and say, "she just wasn't that into me" and think of something else. If you don't know what to think about to distract yourself, just think of this video. She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
warpedskydiver 0 #16 January 30, 2011 Quote She just wasn't that into you, period. Folding more pairs of her panties or being less or a doormat wouldn't matter; she just wasn't that into you. The next time you start analyizing the situation, just stop yourself mid-thought and say, "she just wasn't that into me" and think of something else. If you don't know what to think about to distract yourself, just think of http://www.pornrabbit.com/53224/stunning_babe_proud_of_her_nice_pussy.html video. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
normiss 622 #17 January 30, 2011 Ew. Fake boobs. A five head. Not that pretty of a pussy IMO. Fake, squeaky porn squeals are a major turn off. Her shit stinks too. No matter how hot she is, someone, somewhere is tired of her shit. meh. I have a much hotter chick in mind... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
warpedskydiver 0 #18 January 30, 2011 It's not like I searched for more than 30seconds for that clipNatural beauty is far hotter Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #19 January 30, 2011 QuoteShe just wasn't that into you, period. That's why I envy any one who met their current or future at some Starbucks or some party and had no issues with being with each other. The amount of hell her and I had to go through with the US embassy was amazing. I had lawyers telling me point blank it would never work and on her part the US embassy was telling her all kinds of not so nice things about "Those Iranians". It was 2 months of hell for her and I but we did it. If you know any foreigners, preferably near easterners ask them how much fun it is to "work" with the US embassy. After they are done cursing and calling all those who work in the embassy core a bunch of dogs.....have them really tell you how they feel. You know I wish in a sick way there was more trauma, it's as if I've been cut in two via a Katana blade it's a ghost injury. And now to figure out who the hell I am. Well sorry I brought every one down on this Sunday. Thanks for the help. I guess i just need some air beneath my feet.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skymama 35 #20 January 31, 2011 The more time you spend thinking about what woulda, shoulda, coulda been means the less time you're thinking about your future and what you need to be doing to achieve your goals. She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man, because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #21 January 31, 2011 Quote your goals. Thus the question at hand "Who am I?" No worries......I'll figure it out, I'll survive. Shame recovery from divorce isn't as easy as recovery from a broken bone.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,120 #22 January 31, 2011 I'll really emphasize what I said about not being ready until you realize what you contributed to the breakup. You might not be able to, or want to, change whatever it was -- it might be inherent to your personality. But until you realize it, you stand a decent chance of picking the same kind of person again, and getting into the same situation. Wendy P.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
skydiverbry 0 #23 January 31, 2011 Break another leg!!! That will make you forget about her real quick....you can concentrate on the pain insteadBry -------------------------------------------------- Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!! D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shah269 0 #24 January 31, 2011 Quote Break another leg!!! That will make you forget about her real quick....you can concentrate on the pain instead SMART ASS! You know Wendy these things don't come with an incident report you know. It's not like the FAA where after the accident some dude shows up and gives a press conference. All I know is what I know, and sadly that isn't much. And "our" friends are no help either. The resounding response to the news was "You two! But we had plans for this month, spring, what ever, with you guys! YOU TWO!" And though the divorce was with out any screaming I'm not in any position to send her an email asking "So how much of an asshole am i and can you please in a million words provide me an accident report as to how much of an asshole you think I am." I think divorce for a guy is different for a girl. As a guy I had my nose down and my shoulder up pushing and working hard to make ends meet. Maybe that was it? Nothing is more unsexy and unattractive than someone turning themselves into a door mat for another person. Teaches me right? Next girl will have to pay for her own dam education, her own dam clothes and make her own freaking food and fold her own fracking clothes.Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay. The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nataly 38 #25 January 31, 2011 Sounds like a whirlwind romance... I think you may have already answered this in another thread, but how long were you married? The thing is that when you meet someone within unusual circumstances (travelling, jumping, abroad, during a traumatic event), you are likely to have stronger feelings associated with this person without actually really knowing them... So you feel a very strong connection that doesn't in fact have a solid foundation. This is a common problem that unfortunately means a lot of people fall in love with someone they don't know very well, and because the emotions are so strong it can take quite a long time to realise you are not compatible. I've experienced this first-hand and it sounds a little bit like that's the sort of relationship you just lost... Dunno... I could be wrong, but for me understanding this point was a major break-through when I was recovering from my big breakup. Anyway, no matter what anyone says, healing is something that is very individual and can take a long time - what worked for one person won't necessarily help *you*... But I hope this helps a little... "There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse." - Chris Hadfield « Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. » - my boss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
