0
davjohns

Relationship Impaired

Recommended Posts

I was talking to my adult son yesterday. I mentioned to him something I did several months ago.

I was attempting to have a relationship with someone when I put down on paper the things I needed in a relationship, things I liked and things I could not deal with. I talked about how to handle finances, leisure time and all kinds of things. Kind of a manual on my perfect relationship. Many things can be worked out / are negotiable, but I thought it was good to get some things out there for discussion. It didn't go quite like I thought.

My son tells me I should go to the DMV and tell them that story. He says they will then give me a tag that will identify me as so incredibly handicapped that I can park wherever / whenever I want.

I guess it's the guy vs. girl thing. I thought a clear understanding of what the other person is thinking would be a good thing. Of course, when I was married to my son's mother, she would change the rules (not kidding) so I would always be wrong. So I guess some people would not want the rules to be clear.

So...what was your clearest indication that you weren't quite as good at relationships as you thought?
I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

ere for discussion. It didn't go quite like I thought.

My son tells me I should go to the DMV and tell them that story. He says they will then give me a tag that will identify me as so incredibly handicapped that I can park wherever / whenever I want.



ROTFLMAO! Your kid is hilarious. That answer is so much better than anything I could come up with.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
He's hysterical. I once said something to the effect, "I've got twenty bucks that says that won't happen." He said, "You would be wrong...you AND your freakish talking money." Very quick wit.

I was once driving down a lonely road with a girl I was seeing sitting in the front seat of the truck between me and my teen daughter. Out of nowhere, I said, "You know we're taking you out here to kill you, right?" Without missing a beat, my daughter stuck her hand in front of the girl's face and said, "Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

I died laughing. The girl didn't think it was funny. Beginning of the end for her.
I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Of course, when I was married to my son's mother, she would change the rules (not kidding) so I would always be wrong. So I guess some people would not want the rules to be clear.



I have been very clear with all my boyfriends... I only have 3 rules:

#1 - I make the rules.
#2 - The rules apply to you, but not to me.
#3 - I reserve the right to change the rules whenever I want.

Sadly, I never got any of them to agree to any of my rules!! :(

Actually, my boyfriend responded (without missing a beat): "I only have one rule: there are no rules"

DAMN HIM!!! :D:D
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yea, um....people and relationships are not black and white ;) It doesn't quite work that easy. ;)

She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Yea, um....people and relationships are not black and white ;) It doesn't quite work that easy. ;)



Dunno... My man is black and I'm white - works pretty "easy" for us! :P
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It would depend on how long you knew this woman, and how long you'd attempted to have this relationship. IMO, communication is SO important -- however you need to get that conversation rolling is up to you!

However, if you pulled a "Shah" and brought this list out the day after you met her... :o:P:D(sorry, Shah -- couldn't resist!)

Seriously, just based on the limited info provided, I don't see anything wrong with what you did.

My rules:
1 -- if I don't know what someone's thinking/feeling, I ask.
2 -- if I want someone to know something, but aren't sure he/she knows, I say something. (if I don't, I can't get mad if they didn't know)
3 -- if I said it, hold me to it. If I get mad that you do the opposite, that's my problem.
4 -- all of these are applicable to both parties equally!

See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I have decided I am destined to be alone because I fail at all relationships or attempts with them..


I guess i fit in the "Relationship Impaired" category too..
TPM Sister#130ONTIG#1
I love vodka.I love vodka cause it rhymes with Tuaca~LisaH
You having a clean thought is like billyvance having a clean post.iluvtofly

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Kind of a manual on my perfect relationship.



That's one thing you need to get past; there is no "perfect" relationship. And, if you presented a woman with a list, you probably came across as overbearing or controlling. Having a list like that in your head is good; just keep it there and bring up topics that are important to you during casual conversation.

I think that as long as you learn from your mistakes that you, or anyone, can be good in relationships. One also has to learn to give more than he or she takes. Sometimes that's easier said than done.
She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Quote

Kind of a manual on my perfect relationship.



That's one thing you need to get past; there is no "perfect" relationship. And, if you presented a woman with a list, you probably came across as overbearing or controlling. Having a list like that in your head is good; just keep it there and bring up topics that are important to you during casual conversation.

I think that as long as you learn from your mistakes that you, or anyone, can be good in relationships. One also has to learn to give more than he or she takes. Sometimes that's easier said than done.



Meh... I can't tell you the number of times I've told someone to tone down a side of their personality, only to find some time later that they have met someone who actually *likes* this aspect about them!

I would say "be yourself" is better advice. If she runs away screaming, she's not for you :)
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

I was attempting to have a relationship with someone when I put down on paper the things I needed in a relationship...



That reminded me of a joke I heard recently:

A lovesick kayaker wrote to a dating service explaining that he had specific criteria for a potential mate and would not accept anyone that doesn't meet his standards. He went on to explain the young lady must be cute, short, enjoy cold water and paddling. He received a reply the following week. It contained a picture of a penguin.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nothing wrong with knowing what you want.
My list is up on my kitchen wall.
I knew full well that if I was not careful, due to my work as an engineer and neighborhood where I live, I would capitulate in finding what I know will make me happy. I spent almost 8 years trying to make someone else happy and now it's my turn to be happy.

I put it up the day after the x wife walked out. I have only changed the list once. I changed "stable" to "STABLE" after dating a girl who had a bit of a drinking problem.

I don't think my "list" is too much. I don't specify hair color, eye color, occupation or financial state. I know what my life is, I know what will make me happy and I know what I don't like.

There is nothing wrong with having a list. The problem per my view of the situation is that as we get older the potential of finding someone that fulfills some if not most of what we would like in a life partner drops significantly due to the natural state of the American society.
We unlike our European brothers are less social and out networks are not as vast or as vibrant. We tend to work, shop and go home. And this hobby does not lend itself well to single men.

*as a pre emptive to prevent any thread hijacking if any of the above offends you go fuck yourself. Who the fuck do you think you are to tell me what does and does not make me happy?
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shah, watch the PA's, even the general ones. This is the second one in a few days from you. Please remember the forum rules.
She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Shah, watch the PA's, even the general ones. This is the second one in a few days from you. Please remember the forum rules.



The final statement marked with an asterisk is a pre emptive so as to prevent any potential shit throwing.
I'm in no mood for it and wish to prevent it before it even crosses some one's mind.
It appears to be rather effective in preventing threads from being hijacked into "Shah don't know shit" threads.

Back on topic, nothing wrong with having a list as long as it is honest.
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, then don't talk to Davjohns's son :ph34r:

I've used that approach for jobs and other decisions. But yeah, it's a list you should check off internally, more than expect the other person to use as a source of guidance.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote


However, if you pulled a "Shah" and brought this list out the day after you met her... :o:P:D(sorry, Shah -- couldn't resist!)



You know, when I saw the subject of the thread, I immediately thought it was a Shah thread... sad since I really don't know the guy.[:/]
tagline..... what's a tagline?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
It's cool Bryant, such is life.

things I needed in a relationship, things I liked and things I could not deal with
You seem to have it figured out.
Care to share? Or.....no.
I %100 understand if you say no. TRUST ME!
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
I guess it all boils down to luck. I married the perfect woman nearly 30 years ago. We only knew each other about 5 months before we got married. We have had our ups and downs over the years. I don't do anything special to keep it going. It is a lot of give and take on both our parts. I know I am not the easiest person to live with and neither is she. But we have never had an issue we couldn't overcome.

Going into the relationship, we did not have a firm set rules or standards, other than be faithful and to be there for the other person when they need you.

I can honestly say, I am not the same person I was when I married her, and she isn't either... we have both grown and changed over the years. I guess the trick is adapting to your partners changes and hoping that she adapts to yours.

I hope you didn't take my comment as a poke at you personally. I have been reading these threads for a while and this just looked like one that you would have written. I do wish you the best.
tagline..... what's a tagline?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TImBryant

No worries, not taken personally. Congrats on 30 years. If I said I was just a little jealous I would be lying.

When I first met my x wife I did not have any requirements other than she be nice and fun and left all other things to the gods and chance.

Now after an emotionally damaging divorce....I would like to have not had any requirements and again left things to the gods but.....I'm much more risk averse. And I notice that as time goes by in an effort to not lower my standards I adhere to the rules I set up tighter and tighter as if they were some sort of key to maybe one day being like you...happy in a long term relationship.

Which is not good, for it puts me in a game of chicken but I've hand cuffed myself to the wheel. Either I'm going to find a person that meets those requirements or I will significantly lower my standards and feel as if I have failed.

I did once put up my list, and though some stated that it was rather benign..not calling out exacting measurements nor specifications on behavior...many more spent a good deal of time dissecting it and questioning it and me. Not a fun experience.
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
The only thing I could say is: communications!!!! Communicate.....communicate. Rules are rules....rules are made to be broken in my opinion!

As we grow older, we're set in our ways as to our needs & wants. What was ideal years ago may not be so ideal now, so for me it's definitely communication!
"Love is doing small things with great love."

Lacrosse: Legally beating men with sticks since 1492

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Yep, what she said. Sitting down and talking about a list of what you personally need (not from them, just your own personal goals) once a month or so will go a long way towards making sure you still know each other.

And knowing each other really makes a difference.

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Shah,
Went through a brutal emotional divorce myself many years ago and then an ensuing ugly custody battle. No need for me to get into the ugly details as its all long since done but I too was very risk averse. As a result I became very clear with myself about what I wanted out any future relationship. I had my list too . . Certainly didn't want to repeat the mistakes of the past. Nothing wrong with having list list, just remember the list is for you to be clear to yourself, not for someone else to feel they have to hold themselves against.

Currently I'm in a fantastic relationship which totally validated my being clear about what I wanted out of one.

Some things I did, that I don't see you doing are

(1) being willing to just be alone for awhile ..

(2) being patient while you wait for the right person and

(3) living your life to its fullest as independent person who would like a good relationship but doesnt 'need' one.

Not trying to pat myself on the back or anything . . I'm a recovering social misfit and I spent lots of years alone . . well me and my son. I thought about lowering my standards many times but was able to remind myself how unhappy I'd been because I hadn't stayed true to myself in the past. The relationships that I've been in over the years after my divorce, including the current fantastic one, all happened when I basically stopped working so hard to 'find' a relationship and just lived my life and did the things I loved. In the course of that I'd meet women who liked the same things I did, we'd have fun together and by being patient, having fun and not trying to force a relationship, it would just naturally happen (if it was ever going to).

You mention being handcuffed to the wheel . . you're handcuffing yourself. Its not black and white. Be happy with yourself, do things that make you happy, whether you meet someone or not. Then when you do meet the right person, you'll meet them doing something you both love (IE: you'll have something in common) and she'll more likely be attracted to you because you're happy, fun, self-assured and relaxed.

So I've been meaning to write you for awhile . . I lurk on the list and its tough to listen to you make things so hard for yourself. For all the grief they all give you, sounds to me like you mean well and have a pretty good heart. Just try to relax and let life flow rather than fighting the current so much . .

Cheers,
ZMC

Quote

TImBryant

No worries, not taken personally. Congrats on 30 years. If I said I was just a little jealous I would be lying.

When I first met my x wife I did not have any requirements other than she be nice and fun and left all other things to the gods and chance.

Now after an emotionally damaging divorce....I would like to have not had any requirements and again left things to the gods but.....I'm much more risk averse. And I notice that as time goes by in an effort to not lower my standards I adhere to the rules I set up tighter and tighter as if they were some sort of key to maybe one day being like you...happy in a long term relationship.

Which is not good, for it puts me in a game of chicken but I've hand cuffed myself to the wheel. Either I'm going to find a person that meets those requirements or I will significantly lower my standards and feel as if I have failed.

I did once put up my list, and though some stated that it was rather benign..not calling out exacting measurements nor specifications on behavior...many more spent a good deal of time dissecting it and questioning it and me. Not a fun experience.


"Whatever the future holds down the road, being true to yourself is something you won't ever regret doing. " - airtwardo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Every time I share a personal anecdote on here, you guys get caught up on the anecdote and totally miss my point in starting the thread. It always amuses me.
I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

Every time I share a personal anecdote on here, you guys get caught up on the anecdote and totally miss my point in starting the thread. It always amuses me.


Ya get what ya pay for. And sometimes it's just what you needed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

0