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stitch

Therapy or counseling for "Nice Guy Syndrome"

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Anybody able to recommend the type of psychiatrist, psychologist, or therapist one should seek because it is their personal nature to be nice and thoughtful. Yes sometimes, no actually most of the time nowadays, these actions, especially where women are concerned are considered to be sinister motives. It is really sad that the world has come to this

It is really sad that a person comes across another person that says that nobody has ever been very thoughtful or nice towards them. The 1st person sees this as an injustice and tries to correct the situation with some gifts and gestures. All the while trying very hard not send or give anything that might be considered romantic. In fact telling the other person several times that friendship is nice but it shouldn't go any further than that.

Next thing you know person number one is considered a stalker, a villian, a sexual predator. Really ? WTF ??
"No cookies for you"- GFD
"I don't think I like the sound of that" ~ MB65
Don't be a "Racer Hater"

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Being nice, considerate, or thoughtful is always appreciated.

What's going on, that you would get to the point that you would think that those are ulterior motives?

The only reason to see a shrink for this condition is too find out why you have been conditioned to think that being horrible is preferable to being nice.

lisa
lisa
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But isn't that what the entire world believes ?

The bullshit artist always comes in 1st. Especially where women are concerned. He who can tell the biggest lie and get everybody to believe it gets the golden crown.

While the nice honest guys of the world finish last because the are obviously duds and have nothing worthwhile to offer.
"No cookies for you"- GFD
"I don't think I like the sound of that" ~ MB65
Don't be a "Racer Hater"

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I'm reading a good book now call "The Intimacy Factor", by Pia Mellody. She talks about people that are "Heros", because as children. they were given a false sense of empowerment by a parent that wanted the children to take care of them. The child is denied their true identity, and repeatedly demonstrates acts of selflessness, because they were rewarded for that as a child. That may be person #1.

On the flip side are children that were neglected or abandoned by a parental figure. This leads to a sense of shame and inadequacy described as "Lost Child" syndrome. Those people love fantasy, and may even fantasize about someone stalking them to temporarily satisfy their need for attention. Of course, in the real world, they are shy and introverted because they don't feel a sense of worth, which is why no one pays attention to them. This may be person #2.

If person #2 is angry at person #1 (perhaps because person #2 is hoping for a romantic relationship, but has been thwarted), person #2 will strike out at person #1 in the way that person #2 considers mean and hurtful. Since person #2 feels shame and not given enough attention, the worst trait in the world to person #2 would be someone that goes in the opposite direction, as a violent extrovert (stalker, molester, etc).

However person #1 is thoroughly confused, because person #1's idea of a mean person is someone that is selfish and doesn't give to others. If person #2 really wanted to hurt person #1, person #2 would say that person #1 is selfish and inconsiderate, because that's what person #1's parents did, and the wounds of early childhood bear the greatest pain for us.

Person #1 may also be someone that places a lot of value on words (such as "I want to be nice to you, but don't want to be in a relationship with you"). Whereas Person #2 may be someone that ignores words in favor of actions (such as "this person is giving me the attention I want, I think he/she wants a relationship with me.") Both persons are confused because one person isn't listening, and the other is acting too nice.

But it's all theory ;) I don't know either person. But I might recommend a book or counseling (if one can afford it).

Trapped on the surface of a sphere. XKCD

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Does the guy who needs this therapy realize that acting like a nice-guy is a problem that needs fixing? Kind of like you can't help a drunk get sober unless they themselves realize they have a drinking problem, the nice-guy needs to realize that his niceness is a problem that needs fixing.
Your rights end where my feelings begin.

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Interesting insights. I avoid those relationship books like the plague, but my gut instinct was that Stitch was trying to help the wrong person. Some people can be bizarre psycho drama victims. I've bumped into them before. Run away.

The nice guy thing? Somewhere there's a line between nice and doormat. You gotta know what it feels like when you step over it. ;)

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I would say a lot of times the "nice guy" may be trying to over compensate for the lack in another person's life and it can be over-whelming and feel threateding to some (especially if they have had people do things like that and then manipulate them in some way).

IMO, the best bet would be to just try to be kind and not try to over compensate. For some people when they see someone hurting they want to make that person feel better. Problem is, you can't make someone feel anything. Maybe try just gestures and not gifts.

Also, maybe the "nice guy" is giving what the other person considers mixed signals. The "nice guy" thinks that what he is doing is not too much, but maybe the other person does. Not everyone sees things the same way or from the same perspective.

Also, I personally believe that you get what you focus on. For example, if you believe that the "nice guy" always finishes last then you are pretty much only going to find/see people that treat the "nice guy" that way.

If you shift you focus (which can take time and work) to a different perspective then you will get different results. There are plenty of people out there that really appreciate a "nice guy", but you have to look in the right place to find them.

Another way to look at it is, if you always look out the same window you will see the same view. If you look out a different window (even if it is the one right next to it) you will see a different view.
"Ego is the anesthesia that deadens the pain of stupidity"

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Be careful -- I've also seen people (men and women alike) who use the "no one likes me/treats me well" to get attention, either subconsciously or deliberately. From my very limited available information, this may be just one of those cases. My opinion is that it is the other person in your story who needs the therapy.

I'm going to agree with Chiquita, but have another perspective/option. The answer to the other person's "no one is nice to me" problem is NOT to start doing what you think are nice things. It is to figure out what that person considers "nice." Then, point out times when someone WAS nice, but (she?) didn't see it that way. If you don't have a history with this person, you won't be able to pull things from your own memory, so it may involve a lot of long conversations (which is also what a good friend does -- note the tie-in to your intended "we're just friends" vibe).
See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

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A lot of good comments so far... What I would add (as John already alluded to), is that there is a difference between being a "nice guy" and being a "doormat."

A lot of women go gaga over jerks - a lot of "nice guys" have the EXACT same problem... Face up to it: the problem isn't what you're doing, it's WHO YOU ARE DOING IT FOR. Do the exact same thing for someone who is nice and who loves you, and they will think you are the best thing since sliced bread!
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Me.. I'm a nice guy. Always have been. Careing and considerate. We as a society seem to have a tendeny to over analyze EVERYTHING. It is what it is sometimes


+1...I over analyze everything....

Hum....was it a chick at a local DZ? :P
Dude "Oh hi chick you dropped your keys in the mud getting out of your car."

Chick "OH YOU PIG DOG! WERE YOU LOOKING AT MY ASS! ARE YOU STALKING ME! I'M GOING TO TAZER YOUR ASS! HOW DARE YOU OFFER ME A CUP OF COFFE.....(wait wrong thread)" :P

As Nat said...note not me...many girls go "ga ga" for assholes.
Sadly those many girls are exactly the girls you find attractive and are thus "nice to".

How about this. Maybe it's not you. There is nothing wrong with being nice to people. Perhaps there is something wrong with being nice to all people? Perhaps you should focus you giving nature to those who are close to you. All others well they can go pound salt.

But yeah, sorry to tell you.....nice guys....well....like funny guys...just get no love, note Nats post. Sure the ladies talk about how much they love them but you just know full well she is going to ignore her own advice and go for the asshole, note Nats post. So....screw her. You have friends who care about you and you care about them. Try and focus 100% of your caring nature towards them.
Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

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