Would this situation annoy you?

[skymama 35]

When I moved out of my house last month, I decided to clean out my closets and donate the items to charity, a local Woman's shelter. Having come out of an abusive relationship, I have a lot of empathy for the women and children who have to turn to the shelter for help.

A family member, we'll call her Mary, is close friends with the woman who runs the shelter. I asked Mary if I could brings my bags of stuff to her house so she could pass them onto her friend and she was very happy to. My mom heard what I was doing and also filled a few bags. In total, there were probably 8 contractor bags full of items.

About a week later, I asked about obtaining a receipt for my taxes. Mary told me no problem, and she would ask for one. A few days later, my mom told me that Mary went through the bags and took out some items for her and her daughter to use. I was floored! Those items were meant for displaced women and children!

I let it pass, was busy with moving and forgot to ask again for the tax recepit. Today, I got an e-mail from Mary, saying how happy her Girl Scout Troop was with our donations to their service project and the Homeless Shelter in Orlando was very happy to receive our things. Homeless Shelter? I donated to the Women's Shelter, a completely different organization!

So, if these were your things, would you be annoyed with your family member for changing which charity your donated items went to without even asking you if you minded and for taking some of the items for her own use?

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[NWFlyer 2]

Yes.

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[eeneR 1]

Yes! That is crap! She took advantage of your kindness and turned around and used it for herself.

She is not a "Dumb Blonde" - She is a "Light-Haired Detour Off The Information Superhighway."
eeneR
TF#72, FB#4130, Incauto

[DiverMike 5]

It would annoy me a little, but try not to let it reduce the effect of the good karma you generated by donating in the first place. Someone is benefitting from your generous act. That is probably the most important aspect.

Edited to add: I meant the charity. Taking stuff for herself was totally wrong.

For the same reason I jump off a perfectly good diving board.

[skymama 35]

I guess what also annoys me is her using our things to make her Girl Scout Troop look good, which in turn makes her look good as a leader. (That's her typical MO, she does things to benefit her.) I was a Girl Scout leader, I know how the girls like to earn badges. If she would have sent me a note asking me if I had anything else for the troop, I would have found some more things to give them!

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[BrokenR1 0]

Yes

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Rap is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.

[davelepka 4]

Quote

(That's her typical MO, she does things to benefit her.)

Just to be fair to Mary, unless you were specific that the items were intended only for the womens shelter, it's hard to get mad when she used the items for another charity, especially when donating that charity would benefit her, and that you knew she was somewhat self-serving from the start.

Also, unless you were specific about the womens shelter, and your motivation to help them, it's hard to blame her going through the stuff to see if there's anything she wanted. For all she knew, this was stuff you needed to 'off' because of your move, and that you dumped it on her because she had a contact in the 'charity' community.

Don't get me wrong, I see how and why you're annoyed, but I also see how it might not have been just 'bad behavior' on Mary's part, she might have been acting in a way that seemed OK from her point of view.

[flyangel2 2]

Quote

A family member, we'll call her Mary, is close friends with the woman who runs the shelter. I asked Mary if I could brings my bags of stuff to her house so she could pass them onto her friend and she was very happy to. My mom heard what I was doing and also filled a few bags. In total, there were probably 8 contractor bags full of items.

About a week later, I asked about obtaining a receipt for my taxes. Mary told me no problem, and she would ask for one. A few days later, my mom told me that Mary went through the bags and took out some items for her and her daughter to use. I was floored! Those items were meant for displaced women and children!

Sorry, I just thought those outfits were too cute! Plus my boys sure look nice dressed up like girls

Yes, I would be upset and I would call the person out.

May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome, dangerous, leading to the most amazing view. May your mountains rise into and above the clouds. - Edward Abbey

[Nataly 38]

That is massively disrespectful - she should have run it past you first, or simply respected your wishes.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[skymama 35]

Oh yes, I was definitely specific about the charity. I texted her a couple times, asking if the shelter would want this or that. I even explained to her why I wanted the items to go to the shelter because of my recent experiences. Goodwill isn't far from my house, it would have been easy for me drop the bags off there if it didn't matter to me who got the items.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[davelepka 4]

Quote

I texted her a couple times, asking if the shelter would want this or that. I even explained to her why I wanted the items to go to the shelter because of my recent experiences.

In that case, Mary is wrong, and you should be annoyed.

Now, we figure out how to get her back. How about a rattlesnake in her mailbox? Maybe advertise for a garage sale at her house at 7AM on a Sat morning? Maybe advertise her as a hooker with her home phone # attached? Did I mention the rattlesnake yet?

[Nataly 38]

You know, this has just reminded me of something that happened a couple of years ago...

I was flat-sharing with 2 other people... One of them was struggling to make ends meet so I helped him with his portion of the rent for about 4 months in a row... In this time, I saw him party hard and come home with lots of new clothes, et cetera... And this was kinda pissing me off because he owed me all this money.

Well, I confronted him with it and his attitude was that he hadn't come to London to live like a poor person! And he didn't see the problem as he felt he would *eventually* get a decent job and pay me back, and anyway I earned shitloads of money, so what did I care?

I sat him down and went through his vs. my financials... Turned out that my disposable monthly income (after bills and essential groceries) was about £20, whereas his was more like £500 (partly because I was paying his rent)!!! He felt pretty bad, and paid me back in increments until he didn't owe me anything anymore.

The moral of the story? Some people don't really "get" where you're coming from... They may have different values/perspectives... Not saying your sister wasn't at fault, but from her point of view, maybe she didn't feel she was doing anything "wrong".

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

[TriGirl 268]

Are you still waiting for that receipt? If she claimed it to be "her" donation to the Girl Scouts, she may have kept it.

See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

[Divalent 89]

Well, somewhat (but not completely) in defense of Mary, you were asking her to do you a favor (take them to the charity for you), so I can sorta understand her thinking that in exchange for this burden on her, she would get something in exchange. (I'm not saying her personal "take" was appropriate for what you asked her to do.)

And I would agree with the other posters that, unless you were very specific about the stuff going to just that specific charity, diverting it to another reputable charity that actually does help people in need would not be an evil thing (whereas if she had a yard sale and sold all your stuff, that would be evil).

Also, I'll note that in general, most charity donations end up only marginally useful (a lot of seemingly respectable charities that collect clothing immediately sell it for its recycling value), so I can see some benefit in her taking the time to sort through a motley collection and determining what might best be useful to different groups.

Finally, coming from a family of 4 kids, and with relatives with other similarly sized families, its kind of the way things usually worked that hand-me-down stuff was passed to another family, then to the charity if there were no takers. (And over time, you passed on about what you got.) So I don't judge her too harshly for taking what would be userful to her under these conditions.

[NovaTTT 1]

Yes.

Lesson: Carry your own water.

Reality: Sometimes that's a real pain in the ass!

"Even in a world where perfection is unattainable, there's still a difference between excellence and mediocrity." Gary73

[jumpwally 0]

Yeah, i would be. I would text her and ask why she decided on the switch and then i'd text her to tell her how disappointed i was. and then leave it that. I'm sure that would be enough to make her stop and think and for you clousure and move on. Done. Different game plan next time.

smile, be nice, enjoy life
FB # - 1083

[micduran 0]

Quote

(That's her typical MO, she does things to benefit her.)

Remember this the next time you want to ask her to do anything for you.

Hopefully Karma will bite her on the ass

Be patient with the faults of others; they have to be patient with yours.

[BETO74 0]

Dont worry about it at least is getting use. I heard of a situation like that only with a twist , the person took what they like sent it to haity and SOLD the goods they got for free.!

http://web.mac.com/ac057a/iWeb/AC057A/H0M3.html

[david3 0]

Quote

Well, somewhat (but not completely) in defense of Mary, you were asking her to do you a favor (take them to the charity for you), so I can sorta understand her thinking that in exchange for this burden on her, she would get something in exchange. (I'm not saying her personal "take" was appropriate for what you asked her to do.)

And I would agree with the other posters that, unless you were very specific about the stuff going to just that specific charity, diverting it to another reputable charity that actually does help people in need would not be an evil thing (whereas if she had a yard sale and sold all your stuff, that would be evil).

Also, I'll note that in general, most charity donations end up only marginally useful (a lot of seemingly respectable charities that collect clothing immediately sell it for its recycling value), so I can see some benefit in her taking the time to sort through a motley collection and determining what might best be useful to different groups.

Finally, coming from a family of 4 kids, and with relatives with other similarly sized families, its kind of the way things usually worked that hand-me-down stuff was passed to another family, then to the charity if there were no takers. (And over time, you passed on about what you got.) So I don't judge her too harshly for taking what would be userful to her under these conditions.

I disagree.

She didn't ask Mary to do her a favor. She asked Mary to do the charity/shelter a favor. Skymama said “Goodwill isn't far from my house, it would have been easy for me drop the bags off there if it didn't matter to me who got the items.”

Mary = bad

[david3 0]

Quote

Quote

I texted her a couple times, asking if the shelter would want this or that. I even explained to her why I wanted the items to go to the shelter because of my recent experiences.

In that case, Mary is wrong, and you should be annoyed.

Now, we figure out how to get her back. How about a rattlesnake in her mailbox? Maybe advertise for a garage sale at her house at 7AM on a Sat morning? Maybe advertise her as a hooker with her home phone # attached? Did I mention the rattlesnake yet?

If she really wants to get even, skymama should set Mary up with her ex. Or is that what you meant by rattlesnake?

[skydiverbry 0]

Simply put with no smart ass remarks....YES








Bry

--------------------------------------------------
Growing old is mandatory.Growing up is optional!!

D.S.#13(Dudeist Skdiver)

[rehmwa 2]

annoyed? yes - you had a plan and outlined it specifically

outraged? no - I'd have taken stuff directly there in the first place. And you didn't really offer anything to her for the request to be her delivery monkey (face it, she might not be as giving or charitable as you, so this wouldn't necessarily come across as such a great deal to her).

hungry? sure, I'd like an omelet right about now

...
Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

[SivaGanesha 2]

Quote

So, if these were your things, would you be annoyed with your family member for changing which charity your donated items went to without even asking you if you minded and for taking some of the items for her own use?

Yes, I'd be annoyed, but you did mention that Mary is close friends with the woman who runs the shelter that you wanted the stuff to go to. Is it possible that Mary is closer to the situation than you are and had a reason for feeling that your items--although apparently a good fit for the women's shelter--could actually have been better used by the girl scout troop or the homeless shelter?

In any case she should have run any changes by you in advance, even if she had good reason for suggesting a change.

"It's hard to have fun at 4-way unless your whole team gets down to the ground safely to do it again!"--Northern California Skydiving League re USPA Safety Day, March 8, 2014

[Krip 2]

Hell yes

But it is what it is.

Lesson learned: a middleperson will sometimes take a cut of the pie to cover expenses

One Jump Wonder

[BillyVance 34]

Quote

Goodwill isn't far from my house, it would have been easy for me drop the bags off there if it didn't matter to me who got the items.

Now you know what to do next time.

I'm sorry you suffered the abuse, but glad you got out of it.

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban