A question for the people who have had a divorce.

[shah269 0]

A question for the people who have had a divorce.
If we can keep this one away from the personal attacks for at least a page I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

It's been two years for me and yeah life is OK. Not the best, after all who really wants to spend that much energy in a relationship and then have it go to poop. Yet I have a question for those older and wiser and with more life experiences.

After your divorce were you significantly more "picky" with respect to who you dated and who you spent time with? With respect to, as an example, personality, looks, education, income and other?

I personally, and this is just me, have noticed that I am significantly more "picky". I was a shallow bastard when I was younger but now it almost appears and feels as it has become ingrained in my psyche.
With respect to "shallow" I'm not only talking about looks but also education and station in life. I've always been attracted to attractive, smart and driven women but now I feel that I'm even more picky regarding these qualities than ever before.

Hum...how can I restate this.....I feel as if I just don't have the time, capital nor the energy to "deal" with another individuals "issues". I feel as if I'm looking for someone who is %90 there out of the gate.
I know it's wrong and that I'm sure there are some amazing women out there that I’m just overlooking for they are for some odd reason "too much work".

Did any of you people who were unfortunate enough to be involved in a divorce feel at all similar to this? As if time were running out and that "you" had this life that was going well and you were looking for that perfect cog to fit into the machinery of your life?

Thank you

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[BrokenR1 0]

I wouldn't call it being too picky but being more focused. You know what to look for this time around. At least I really hope that's the way it works.

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Rap is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.

[zen_mtn_climber 0]

Was I more picky . . absolutely yes! I preferred to think of it though as learning from my past mistakes, both in who I chose to marry and how the relationship proceeded. I was committed to not repeating my mistakes and that made me much more picky.

That said, I think its important to take time to own your actions that contributed to the divorce so that again you don't make the same mistakes. It takes two to tango . . .

I also (inadvertently but in hindsight wisely) dated very little for quite awhile after my divorce. Allowed me to become my own person again and have my shit much more together so that when the right person came along, I was ready. It also put me in a mindset where I was content to be single so I wasn't desperate for a relationship. I got into my current relationship b/c I wanted to be in one rather than felt like I 'ought to' or 'needed to'


My current longterm gf is wonderful and the relationship is strong. Would I have been ready for that right after the divorce? No way. Would I have been single and connected with her if I had been 'less picky' ? Prob not . .

Just my $0.02
ZMC

"Whatever the future holds down the road, being true to yourself is something you won't ever regret doing. " - airtwardo

[OlympiaStoica 0]

Having a relationship I invested 10 years in blow up and abruptly end has definitely changed my behavior as far as relationships go. Picky? No … not more or less than before. Perhaps a bit more wiser and a tad commitment phobic. I still enjoy being in one (committed) relationship rather than “date” around, but the thought of marriage makes me think of chains and shackles … and not in an S&M kind of way
O

[ryoder 1,381]

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but the thought of marriage makes me think of chains and shackles … and not in an S&M kind of way

Until I read the last part, I was thinking you had been married to Remi.

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

[mfrese 0]

My ex had the ugliest feet I've ever seen, and she fucked me out of most of my life savings in the divorce (I was so desperate to get away from her I would have given it ALL up if I had to).

So, more picky? Nope...but cute toes and separate checking accounts have now worked for 28 years. That's all I got.

Doctor I ain't gonna die,
Just write me an alibi! ---- Lemmy/Slash

[sandi 0]

I’ve chosen the not dating at all path. Does that make me super picky, or a pathetic loner??

I never really had much dating experience, I was with one person from age 20-35. Had a few brief rebound flings in the first year after ending such a long relationship but nothing that was meant to be serious or long term. I’ve been single and intentionally not dating for quite some time now.

I like being single, for now anyway. I was never really on my own before. Being single has given me time to pursue my own goals and figure out what I want and who I am without someone else telling me what I should do or who I should be. I guess if and when I’m ready to date again I probably will be picky. Not so much about looks but about having shared interests and values. I’m also a mom so that changes things when thinking about dating. I can’t bring people in and out of my daughter’s life and I’m not sure how dating as a single mom works. So until I figure it out (or my daughter grows up) I’ll stay single and enjoy the great life that I have.

[npgraphicdesign 2]

IMHO, that'd not being picky. That's knowing what you want. In the book (not the poorly done movie) The Count Of Monte Cristo, there's a great quote, and it goes like this.

"...sometimes you need to experience the worst to realize how good things can be...'

Same applies to relationships in a way. Sometimes you experience the worse, yes you still learn from it and realize what you truly want. So a bad experience made you more picky? Hell no. As the lovely Olympia said, it made you wiser, reluctant to seriously commit to a relationship, and a bit wary. Nothing wrong with that.

[Shotgun 1]

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After your divorce were you significantly more "picky" with respect to who you dated and who you spent time with? With respect to, as an example, personality, looks, education, income and other?

I don't think so. I don't think my divorce had much of an effect at all on my views on dating and relationships. But then I wasn't really looking for someone when I got married the first time, and I wasn't looking for someone else after I got divorced.

[oldwomanc6 38]

Hi, Shah, I feel for you. Everyone here (OK, darn-near) has had a long-term relationship blow up in their face, so, since you asked for advice, please take this in the spirit with which it is given (I wish you well).

You are carrying baggage into any potential relationship, so why do you want someone who is "%90" there? or expect said person to be so put together as to solve all relationship problems? All people have issues.

This next here is my take on life in general and relationships in specific: Take some time to work on the person you are and most importantly the person you want to be (who is that?). On your own. Learn to like yourself. If you don't like yourself (I don't get that you actually do), no one else will like you either. Once you like yourself and your own company, believe it, or not, others will, too.
Your life is in your control (if you take the reins). Sheesh! that sounded trite, sorry, but true. I guess the upshot is: what the hell do you want? Fix what you perceive as problems. Then you will be "%90" there and whoever you connect with will be there too. You attract what you are, so become awesome, and you will attract awesome.

lisa

lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

[froglady 0]

Life is to long to be unhappy......be picky.

[davelepka 4]

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I feel as if I just don't have the time, capital nor the energy to "deal" with another individuals "issues". I feel as if I'm looking for someone who is %90 there out of the gate.
I know it's wrong and that I'm sure there are some amazing women out there that I’m just overlooking for they are for some odd reason "too much work".

Sounds like a classic defense mechanism to protect yourself from another failed relationship, but what di I know, I'm just a skydiver.

Beyond that, you sepnd way to much time thinking about and focusing on relationships with females. Just live your life, and if you don't have one, get one.

Meet some people, pick out the ones you like, and see them again. Continue seeing them until you stop liking it, and move on. Might be a day, might be a decade. In any case, you'll always have you, so get a life of some sort and get on with it.

Just a retarded 'what if' - you seem like a busy guy, with all your job related stories, and lack of time for jumping. What are the chances that another 'busy' person is going to mesh with your schedule as such that you have to time to have a relationship? Maybe you would do better with someone who has more 'free time' and is able to flex their schedule to match up with your limited 'free time'.

At the end of the day, out of things like -

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I've always been attracted to attractive, smart and driven women

-only smart is going to stand the test of time. Looks and drive will surely fade with age, and if you're looking for a 'relationship' you have to consider the end-game. If it's going to last 'forever', you're going to have to deal with all the phases of life.

Stop trying to engineer a relationship, or an excuse for not having one. Just meet some people, and stick around the ones you like as long as you like them. Repeat until you're dead.

[skymama 35]

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Hum...how can I restate this.....I feel as if I just don't have the time, capital nor the energy to "deal" with another individuals "issues". I feel as if I'm looking for someone who is %90 there out of the gate.
I know it's wrong and that I'm sure there are some amazing women out there that I’m just overlooking for they are for some odd reason "too much work".

The sooner you figure out that you have plenty of issues of your own that a woman has to deal with, you'll have more luck. Until then, don't bother. A relationship takes a lot of compromise and it doesn't sound like you're willing to do that yet.

As my dad always told me; when you point your finger at someone else, there's 3 more fingers pointing back at you.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[BrokenR1 0]

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As my dad always told me; when you point your finger at someone else, there's 3 more fingers pointing back at you.

Not if you lost them in a Philippine sword fight.

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Rap is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.

[lawrocket 3]

What some call "getting picky" I call "raising my standatds."

Hey. I credit you for being honest. Too many people don't admit they are shallow. I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

My wife is hotter than your wife.

[BrokenR1 0]

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I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

They exist?


I want one too.


I think I may have to cut my losses and just rent.

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Rap is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

They exist?


I want one too.


I think I may have to cut my losses and just rent.

Don't get hosed on the price. Make sure you negotiate.

[airtwardo 6]

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What some call "getting picky" I call "raising my standatds."

Hey. I credit you for being honest. Too many people don't admit they are shallow. I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

Don't ya just love it when a plan comes together?!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[BIGUN 1,051]

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What some call "getting picky" I call "raising my standatds."

Hey. I credit you for being honest. Too many people don't admit they are shallow. I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh Thank you, Honey.


























>How much brain bleach is it going to take to get that thought outta your head?

Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

[BrokenR1 0]

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I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

They exist?


I want one too.


I think I may have to cut my losses and just rent.

Don't get hosed on the price. Make sure you negotiate.

I'll do my best. Maybe see if I can get a good price war going.

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Rap is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.

[npgraphicdesign 2]

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What some call "getting picky" I call "raising my standatds."

Hey. I credit you for being honest. Too many people don't admit they are shallow. I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

AAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh Thank you, Honey.

>How much brain bleach is it going to take to get that thought outta your head?

I don't think there's enough bleach in the world to get THAT image out of someone's head.

[dgm458 0]

I was "picky" after my divorce and learned after awhile that I needed to loosen it up a bit. Then I started dating anybody and everybody and while some may consider that a mistake, I consider it test driving 20 different cars trying to find what I like about each car and what I didn't like.

As a result, I developed my own rules of dating...rules that fit that ideal woman/situation. Some rules scan be broken if the person is worth breaking the rule. This allowed me to open my mind and not be so picky, yet able to filter out the BS drama that fills some peoples lives. I learned that we all have drama in our lives to some degree. You get pretty good at judging a book by its' cover, although I did misjudge a few people.

I also changed my philosophy of needing to be in a relationship to wanting to be in a relationship. I didn't go chasing every cute thing that passed in front of me...I wait until something awesome just presents itself. Call it fate if you want.

Best relationship I had was a chance meeting...and she broke 4 of my 5 rules.

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Failure to prepare is preparing to fail

[shah269 0]

Cool thank you.
Yes lots on my plate at the moment from the job to the education to attempting a career change to the usual static in life...keeping the house clean and feeding the kids and trying to get in a few jumps a month.

I will be the first to admit though I think I would be very happy in a long term stable relationship....at the moment I am far from ready to be in a relationship.

That said....good god have i gotten picky...stopped talking to a girl because she had a slight lisp....another girl because she was a vegetarian and still another because...and i'm even ashamed to admit this one....she did not know how to drive stick.

For a guy who is currently stuck in an all dude world be it engineering or skydiving I do well for my self when it comes to dating but my god I really need to stop being picky and just enjoy life....now if i can some how get that threw my very thick and egg shaped skull!

Everyone thank you and well let the pissing match BEGIN!

Life through good thoughts, good words, and good deeds is necessary to ensure happiness and to keep chaos at bay.

The only thing that falls from the sky is birdshit and fools!

[sandi 0]

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I wanted a higly educated, emotionally stable skydiving hottie. And I got one.

Hey, I want one of those too. If I found an educated, emotionally stable, hot skydiving guy I might be inclined to start dating again.

[BrokenR1 0]

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and i'm even ashamed to admit this one....she did not know how to drive stick.

Why would you be embarrassed by that? I guess I might try to teach her first and then give up but it does speak to her mechanical aptitude. Unless you mean you won't talk to her at all, that might be a stretch as well. If I end up looking again I'll need someone that can keep up this time around.

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Rap is to music what etch-a-sketch is to art.