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Tuna-Salad

Name your least liked "office speak" comments.

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"We need to be careful" (that's a zero value added comment)
for that matter :ph34r: "zero value add" (just say worthless)

"we have to think of of everything....." (any use of absolutes like this is stupid and a waste of time)

"implement" vs "turn on" or "cut in"

and, of course, 'gotcha' people - these are the ones that go find some obscure tidbit on a topic, and then don't tell anyone about it so they can play that info in high visibility meetings to try and look plugged in and smart. If it's people that make a habit of it, I usually look them in the eye, and say it's new info and then ask them directly and publicly why they chose to not inform the crowd BEFORE the meeting. (People stopped playing that card with me a long time ago). People trying it out that don't have a history at it get a private visit afterwards and free pass the first time.

"gotcha" people are closely related to the "didja try" people - example: "didja try correlating that issue to the solar sun spot cycle to see if there's a relationship?" They won't let an issue go until their obscure little idea is closed on. Resource vampires mainly, generating a lot of activity with zero return for the effort.

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Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

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Theres always some stupid kiss-ass that wants to be seen asking a "truely excellent question" that drags the thing out for another eon
asking something that could easily be done on his own.



we have a married couple here that do that - they ask highly nuanced questions with multiple layers that are pretty much just statements in order to be 'seen'

they go back and forth - I believe they are trying to one-up each other - one meeting we counted 9 questions - 5 vs 4 - he won that match

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Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

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Almost anything with the word "utilize." Utilize is almost always used as a big-word replacement for the perfectly good word "use."

Wendy P.



I always hated "let's touch base"

...though I've learned to have fun with it over the years.

Some possible responses:

"Touch base! wtf is that...are you hitting on me?"

"Ok, how about tonight after dinner?"

"Sorry man, I don't swing that way?

"I dunno, I have a very strong gag reflex"


...just be creative and have fun with it, but know your audience.;)
Your secrets are the true reflection of who you really are...

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Saying ping or pinging to refer to contact people. "Can I ping you after this meeting?"

Paradigm Shift

Touting "Business as Usual" during a reorg. Way to establish confidence in the new design. :S

The New Normal

Having Conversations or Having a Conversation.
Stupidity if left untreated is self-correcting
If ya can't be good, look good, if that fails, make 'em laugh.

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Oh I hate "ping" too.

People do not ping each other

Computers can ping each other across networks, and before that submarines and other underwater installations pinged each other
with active sonar.

When someone says they are going to ping so-and-so I wanna drop a
grand piano on them from the 7th floor :)
__

My mighty steed

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"There's no I in team."




When people say that to me I reply immediately totally straight-faced:

"Yes there is...T E I M"

8 times out of 10 they look at you somewhat startled, doubt their own knowledge at first, and have to think about it for a second :)
__

My mighty steed

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"There's no I in team."




When people say that to me I reply immediately totally straight-faced:

"Yes there is...T E I M"

8 times out of 10 they look at you somewhat startled, doubt their own knowledge at first, and have to think about it for a second :)


there's an 'm' and an 'e' in Team.

edit: there's also 'meat' in there, and several other combinations. But it's clear you can't win without meat

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Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants

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"synnergy"
Ugh... *really* wish there was a puke emoticon...

"urgent"
Really? Then why did you sit on the information for two weeks before telling me it needed to be done NOW?? :S

"don't take it personally" or "no offence but"
If you have to preface with either of those, it *is* personal and/or offensive.

"I just had a great idea"
You mean the one I gave you months ago?? Don't tell me it's stupid only to take credit for it when it suits you. Grow some balls and try saying "I really like your idea."
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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"I just had a great idea"
You mean the one I gave you months ago?? Don't tell me it's stupid only to take credit for it when it suits you. Grow some balls and try saying "I really like your idea."



You just described a boss I once had. He always dismissed my idea, then sometime later would come up with this idea all on his own. I don't know if his memory was really that bad that he forgot where the idea originated, or if he thought my memory was so bad that I would forget I suggested it.:S Either way, my idea would be implemented, so I ceased to worry about it.:D
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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"You need to sharpen your pencil."

Whenever I hear this, it makes me want to sharpen my pencil and poke them with it! :P

g
"Let's do something romantic this Saturday... how bout we bust out the restraints?"
Raddest Ho this side of Jersey #1 - MISS YOU
OMG, is she okay?

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"You need to sharpen your pencil."

Whenever I hear this, it makes me want to sharpen my pencil and poke them with it! :P

g




:D:D:D Funny that when I read that phrase I immediately had a vivid image of me stabbing someone through the ear (with a sharp pencil)!!
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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REALLY? NO ONE has chimed in with "more with less."

I figured in these "hard economic times" (or if you prefer, this "economic downturn,") We'd have more people that have to do "more with less" because it's "simply the nature of it."

Why do WE have to do MORE with LESS when I have been doing it ALL for the last XXX(add your time), anyway?

How about I maintain my standards of excellence and you threaten to cut my budget, anyway?

Since, I already believe I am your "top-notch" "go-to-guy" I couldn't "squeeze blood from a stone' anymore than I could "give you 110%."

I REALLY hate those "110%-ers." If you're going make up a number, why not give me 1000%? 110% sounds like a lazy person heard someone else use the term and was too stupid to "think outside the box" to come up with his own number.
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REALLY? NO ONE has chimed in with "more with less."

I figured in these "hard economic times" (or if you prefer, this "economic downturn,") We'd have more people that have to do "more with less" because it's "simply the nature of it."

Why do WE have to do MORE with LESS when I have been doing it ALL for the last XXX(add your time), anyway?

How about I maintain my standards of excellence and you threaten to cut my budget, anyway?

Since, I already believe I am your "top-notch" "go-to-guy" I couldn't "squeeze blood from a stone' anymore than I could "give you 110%."

I REALLY hate those "110%-ers." If you're going make up a number, why not give me 1000%? 110% sounds like a lazy person heard someone else use the term and was too stupid to "think outside the box" to come up with his own number.



Sounds like you were at our last "All Hands" meeting. This was the theme.:S
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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Yes - YES!!!!!!!!

In absolute terms, even 100% is usually ridiculous, so MORE than that is merely absurd.


ETA - as long as we are being absurd, we might as well make it 1000% or 100000000000000%. 110% actually *does* sound lazy! :D
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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