Need some advice on dealing with family

[guineapiggie101 0]

Last week I was in Shanghai for a cousin's wedding. Got to see relatives that I hadn't seen in almost 25 years. It was nice to reconnect with people and get to hang out with them.

My mother, as usual, was being a "fly in the ointment". She would NOT leave me alone, constantly watching whatever I was doing, criticizing me, coming at all hours to my hotel room (that I was sharing with my brothers gf - he couldn't come to wedding because of work). She gave me flak about staying after the wedding to go out with some of my other cousins for a drink at another hotel bar. She was like "you shouldn't go out, it's late, no taxis, etc.

The "cherry" on top of all the crap she was dishing out to me was on the last day. Each day (besides the wedding day), we went on tours around the city with most of my relatives. Not everybody went everyday. On the last day, my favorite uncle (that I had NOT seen in 25 years) wanted to hang out with me. I also wanted to take him and his family out for lunch and chat. My mom FLIPPED out and told me it was not a good idea, that I would be a bother to them, and she even LIED to me about them coming on the tour with us.

That morning (with the advice of my brother's gf), I stood my ground (which is unusual since I give into my mom most of the time), and told her that I was gonna hang with my uncle. She then said I would be a bother to them and would annoy them. She then proceeded to give me a guilt trip and belittle me :(

I'm really happy I stuck to my guns since I had a lot of fun with them. I get along with my uncle a lot (he was always my favorite uncle).

He says I should visit Hong Kong (where they live and where most of my relatives live), since it's changed so much in the 25 years that I was last there.

I KNOW my mom will tell me not to go. She goes to Hong Kong twice a year, and each time I ask to come with her, she tells me "its not a good idea". When my grandma died 7 years ago, she refused to let my brother or I come to the funeral. She wouldn't tell me the exact date of the funeral (she went back for a whole month) and at that time, I didn't have any contact info for my relatives there.

I have no idea why she is so against me going there. If you were in my shoes, would you go against my mom's wishes and go if you want?

I wish I could understand why my mom is the way she is.

If I visited, I'd stay in a hotel and maybe hang out with my uncle for a day or so. I also like to explore HK by myself, and I do speak the language fluently.

[CSpenceFLY 1]

If I were you I'd tell your mom to fuck off.

[FlyingRhenquest 1]

My mom's like that, though not to the degree you describe. I've told her twice in the last decade that if she couldn't bring anything positive to the party, the two of us never needed to speak again. She settled right down each time after that.

Thing is, if you go nuclear you have to be ready to back it up. Because there's no way to know how anyone is going to take that sort of thing.

I also have a very strict "need to know" policy with my parents. Most of the time, they don't. If I'm going somewhere and want to invite them, I'll tell them. Otherwise they're in the dark about my life.

I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

[wolfriverjoe 1,340]

Your mom sounds very manipulative and controlling.

That's sad. It could be that she's trying to protect you from something, that she's afraid of being cut out of something if you are there, or is exacting revenge for something. There may be other reasons, but those are the first that come to mind.

I'd go if I were you. You're a grownup, do what you think best. She won't like it, but her behavior has demonstrated that she doensn't have your best interests at heart. So feel free to ignore her wishes. You may not want to tell her what you are doing.

If she finds out, just tell her that you knew how much it would upset her and you didn't want to do that (kind of throwing her behavior back at her).

So basically, Spence is right.

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

[guineapiggie101 0]

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My mom's like that, though not to the degree you describe. I've told her twice in the last decade that if she couldn't bring anything positive to the party, the two of us never needed to speak again. She settled right down each time after that.

Thing is, if you go nuclear you have to be ready to back it up. Because there's no way to know how anyone is going to take that sort of thing.

I also have a very strict "need to know" policy with my parents. Most of the time, they don't. If I'm going somewhere and want to invite them, I'll tell them. Otherwise they're in the dark about my life.

I'm not sure about going "nuclear" on her, mainly because she is my mom and parental respect is big within the Asian culture.

Normally, my life with her is on a "need to know" basis. I don't tell her everything about my life, where I go, etc., just to avoid her nagging and sticking her nose in my business. She doesn't know I do tandems, or that I once did AFF stuff.

This was the first time since I moved away 21 years ago, that I have gone on an overseas trip with her.

I want to go to Hong Kong to visit my uncle and his family, but I'm not sure how much repercussion I will get from my mom. I know she will try to convince me not to go, or else come with me and watch my every movement.

I can't really just go and not tell the rest of my relatives or have my uncle NOT tell people, since that would be considered disrespectful.

I do kinda know why my mom keeps me away from my relatives. I think (and she has hinted this to me), that she is embarrassed by my height and how I look. It's a sore point with me, since it isnt something I can change.

[Southern_Man 0]

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If you were in my shoes, would you go against my mom's wishes and go if you want?

yes, I would. I wouldn't ask, I would just do it and go.

"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"

[vitriol 0]

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I do kinda know why my mom keeps me away from my relatives. I think (and she has hinted this to me), that she is embarrassed by my height and how I look.

Just because of that I'd tell her I would go alone, and if she's not happy about that, well, that's her problem. What she does is more disrespectful than anything you could do. If there is something, you look the way you look in part because of her! Not that it changes anything the way you look!

[Mr_Polite 0]

Not trying to be offensive but....

You're an adult right?
Your mother doesn't pay for everything for you?
You are planning on paying for your own trip there?

If I was you I wouldn't even tell her that you're going. Go enjoy your trip there and tell her how much you enjoyed it when you get home

[DrewEckhardt 0]

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I have no idea why she is so against me going there. If you were in my shoes, would you go against my mom's wishes and go if you want?

Yes. Telling her that you're xx not 5 and living your own life might not hurt either.

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I wish I could understand why my mom is the way she is.

You could try asking.

[FlyingRhenquest 1]

Ah yeah, well in that case I suppose you could try talking it out, or maybe even hire a councilor if she's like, completely psychotic. Might work. Otherwise I guess you'd just have to deal with it and keep her out of your life as much as you possibly can.

I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

[quade 3]

Parents get the children they deserve, sadly, not the other way around.

If she's being an over controlling parent to an adult child, she sort of deserves to simply be ignored.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[Squeak 17]

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I do kinda know why my mom keeps me away from my relatives. I think (and she has hinted this to me), that she is embarrassed by my height and how I look. It's a sore point with me, since it isnt something I can change.

Glad you brought this up, as this was my take on it.

My reccomenadation would be to go to HK, not tell her your going but also dont tell people to not tell her.
Plan you trip and go enjoy yourself, deal with the mother issue as it arises, DONT take your mom with you.
I understand the level of familial respect involved in Asian families, but it does have to go both ways.
Dont be disrespectful towards her, just dont tell her.

You are not now, nor will you ever be, good enough to not die in this sport (Sparky)
My Life ROCKS!
How's yours doing?

[wildcard451 0]

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If I were you I'd tell your mom to fuck off.

Pretty much the only advice needed.

[wmw999 2,121]

This is good advice. Never tell anyone to lie on your behalf. And if you're clean and dressed appropriately (understand, I'd never say fashionably -- I'm not equipped for that ), then your appearance is fine. How you dress and your cleanliness are reflections on you and her -- your height isn't.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[FlyingRhenquest 1]

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If I were you I'd tell your mom to fuck off.

Pretty much the only advice needed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S9euSKXOe7c

I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

[skymama 35]

I do not agree that you should tell your mother off. That is so disrespectful!

She's from a different generation, less Americanized (I assume?) and obviously has some insecurities that she can only deal with by projecting them on you.

To feel less irritated by her, remember that she's probably not going to change much, remember that she probably has the best intentions in her mind to protect you from the evils of the world, and just smile inwardly at how ridiculous some of her requests are and think, "that's my mom!". Most importantly, remember also that she loves you. It really will give you a lot more inner peace if you just accept her the way that she is.

But, I'm not suggesting that you live your life by her rules. The next time she comments about your life in a disapproving way, have a mantra ready like, "this is the life I choose for myself" or something similar that suits how you would speak to her and don't participate in that conversation. Every time she comments negatively, say the same mantra. Trust me, she'll get the message eventually.

As for your trip, by all means GO! Tell her only after you've gotten the tickets and maybe only tell her real close to the trip so it would cost her a lot to follow you at the last minute. Don't tell relatives not to tell her, it's never a good idea to involve relatives in family drama because they feel forced to choose sides.

You've gotten a lot of different advice, that's just what I would do.

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[airtwardo 6]

I do not agree that you should tell your mother off. That is so disrespectful!

She's from a different generation, less Americanized (I assume?) and obviously has some insecurities that she can only deal with by projecting them on you.

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+1

I never understand why adults give the people around them so much power over their lives.

I agree, don't be disrespectful...just smile nod in agreement...then go do what ya were gonna do anyway!

Like I use to tell MY folks...

"I really appreciate your input and advise"

...and I did, I just did what 'I' wanted to do!


Eventually ~ they caught on.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[guineapiggie101 0]

Skymama, thanks!!! Yes, she is from an older generation, and she isn't very Americanized at all. My uncle is pretty Americanized, even though he lives in HK with his family. He went to college in the States and lived, for many years, in Canada.

I do try to accept her the way she is and that she probably will not change. I know she loves me.

For most of my adult life, I have chosen to try and avoid dealing with her and her idiosyncracies. I moved away to go to college when I turned 18, even though there are many distinguished, excellent universities in CA. I wanted to grow my own life, far away from her.

I rarely travel together with her because I find it hard to deal with how she treats me. I spend time with her in situations that I can control (where I can go back home to my place, at the end of the day, or the end of a few days).

This was the first time I've traveled with her overseas, since I was teenager. I knew it was gonna be difficult, so I was kinda prepared.

I know my mom cares about me, and she has seen some of the bad decisions I've made in my life, and maybe she is trying to protect me from doing things that cause me issues. I dunno.

I do plan on going since I enjoy traveling, and I haven't been to Hong Kong in ages. People tell me its changed so much and that I will have a good time.

Right now, I am hoping to go towards the end of Jan. when tickets are not that expensive. I hope to stay a week out there. Still need to see about my vacation time and stuff.

[headoverheels 291]

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I wish I could understand why my mom is the way she is.

Maybe some of your relatives of her generation could provide some insight.

[Arvoitus 1]

So how much taller are you then her?

Your rights end where my feelings begin.

[guineapiggie101 0]

I'm actually quite a bit smaller than my mom. :(

I'm barely 4'5" tall.

[Krip 2]

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I do kinda know why my mom keeps me away from my relatives. I think (and she has hinted this to me), that she is embarrassed by my height and how I look. It's a sore point with me, since it isnt something I can change.

Glad you brought this up, as this was my take on it.

My reccomenadation would be to go to HK, not tell her your going but also dont tell people to not tell her.
Plan you trip and go enjoy yourself, deal with the mother issue as it arises, DONT take your mom with you.
I understand the level of familial respect involved in Asian families, but it does have to go both ways.
Dont be disrespectful towards her, just dont tell her.

+1

R.

[skymama 35]

She sounds like she's a great mom who would probably drop everything to be able to mother you again. If being a mother/caregiver has been an important role in her life, she might not find it very easy to let go of that role if she hasn't developed herself in other ways in her life. The tenseness in your relationship is probably frustrating for her too.

I hope you enjoy your trip and to tell you the truth, I don't like traveling with my mother either. She drives me crazy!

She is Da Man, and you better not mess with Da Man,
because she will lay some keepdown on you faster than, well, really fast. ~Billvon

[guineapiggie101 0]

Skymama, you hit it right on, my mom would give everything to be able to mother me again. I can tell that, especially last year when I had my tib/fib. I moved home for a few weeks so I could heal up faster. My mom was happy to take care of me.

I know she misses being a mother. She wants grandchildren to care for and she is also pressuring my brother to marry his gf so she can have grandkids .

I emailed some pics I took this weekend to my uncle, and he was pleased with them. He also reiterated that I should come visit.

I just have to step out of my "comfort" zone and make a decision and stick to it. I'm almost 40 and I can take care of myself and I am NOT a bother to people (contrary to what my mom says), by visiting them.

Hoping to firm up plans to go sometime in Jan.

[iambeav2 0]

My mom typically tries to throw guilt trips on me, or she used to. I told her she used up all my guilt as a kid growing up, so I'm stoic to her attempts. The biggest fight we had was when she (like most mom's) said I'm the only mom she'll ever have...which is true, but she's fixed and I'm an only child...so I told her likewise. She balled, we didn't talk for a while, now things are ok...aside from the attempted guilt trips she pushes. Just be brutally blunt once (which you did), and stay standing your ground, she'll realize she can't hound you for-ev-er.

...it's not the fact that you don't appreciate what you have until it's gone...it's the fact that you don't appreciate what you have until someone appreciates it for you!