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Nataly

Circumstances vs life choices...

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I was having a very interesting conversation with someone about the economical crisis and unemployment, et cetera. However, one thing he said really hit a raw nerve... "Not everyone is educated, single, childless and mobile like you are." Oh *really*??? Isn't that because they *chose* to get married, have kids and stay put???

I'm sorry... Whilst I totally understand we are not all dealt the same cards in life, I'm sick of people judging MY choices like I was just being immature and/or selfish. Please, someone tell me why it's so irresponsible NOT to bring an unwanted child into the world??? Please tell me what is so horrible about not having found someone I want to spend the rest of my life with??? Please tell me why it would be better for me to settle down and procreate with someone I don't love, put aside the things I *do* want to do, end-up getting divorced, working 2 minimum-wage jobs (or on welfare) to support 3 kids I never wanted in the first place??? Thats's such a wonderful situation for everyone to be in, including the poor kids... Yeah. I'm such a bitch for not wanting the life that others have imagined for me... If at one point I do find The One, and I choose to start a family because I *want* one - great. Until then, don't pooh-pooh my choices... At least the only person who could suffer from them is me.

[/rant over]
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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I think you need more of a "fuck-off" attitude. If you're really that certain of the choices you've made, why even give a shit what other people think? We're all about conquering our fears here. Don't be afraid to live your life on your terms.

I'm pretty sure "If you weren't you you'd be someone else" is a tautology.
I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

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Not being funny here but do you perhaps think you might have picked it up wrong or being a bit over-sensitive ?.

Seen some nice people get fucked by the wrong roll of the dice in life. Shit happens you deal with it and move on be thankful for what you have regardless of WTF anyone else thinks.

Have a beer and chill watch a rerun of the eurovision song contest :D:D


Billy-Sonic Haggis Flickr-Fun


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Nataly

I was having a very interesting conversation with someone about the economical crisis and unemployment, et cetera. However, one thing he said really hit a raw nerve... "Not everyone is educated, single, childless and mobile like you are." Oh *really*??? Isn't that because they *chose* to get married, have kids and stay put???



I wasn't there so I don't know what kind of tone the comment was made in. But in the context of a debate about the economy and unemployment, he could have been simply pointing out that you have more freedom of choice than others. That would not necessarily be a criticism of your lifestyle, just simply pointing out that people who are married with kids are more tied down than you are, and may not have the same freedom of choices. And to take the opposite of your argument - therefore you should not judge their situation based upon your own perspective. It's not about labeling each other good or bad - just pointing out the differences.

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pincheck

Not being funny here but do you perhaps think you might have picked it up wrong or being a bit over-sensitive ?.



No. He went on to say my lifestyle was lazy, selfish and immature because I was prioritising work over creating something meaningful (family, kids, et cetera). And that under those circumstances, of course it was easier to take risks in life (by changing jobs, for example). Yes, he actually said that.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Well then he's a jerk. I hope you don't have to spend a lot of time around him.

You're selfish if you have a family, and thenspend all your time working or gadabouting around as though you didn't. Not the other way around.

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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wmw999

Well then he's a jerk. I hope you don't have to spend a lot of time around him.

You're selfish if you have a family, and thenspend all your time working or gadabouting around as though you didn't. Not the other way around.

Wendy P.



The sad thing is I don't actually think he was actually trying to be mean, and it's not the first time someone has called it selfish that I have no desire to settle down and have a family... I'm not sure why anyone would even care... Even if it was a case of jealousy... What is the point of comparing your choices to someone else's???
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Sounds like he regrets settling down and a lot of his own decisions, and is jealous of your motility and happiness(i assume youre happy with your life).

Yes, while some of aspects of life are predetermined, as in where youre born, and to what family life, but choosing to settle down, have kids, buy a house you cant afford, and a expensive car that ties up most of your money are not. Those are all choices you make on a consious level.

Coming from someone kind of in yor same situation(albeit a little younger ;) ), i say just ignore em. Ive chosen to put my career first, to NOT get married, and definitely not have kids, nor to buy a house i cant afford, or a car that i couldnt pay off in whole ON THE SPOT. I pride myself on being able to stay mobile, and jumping at every career forwarding opportunity I can, which has led me to what i hope to be a EXTREMELY lucrative opportunity in a few months(soon as my goddamn security clearance gets back). Have i sacrificed for it? Sure, but overall im happy and ignore opinions like those.

Live your life for you, not anyone else.

Thanatos340(on landing rounds)--
Landing procedure: Hand all the way up, Feet and Knees Together and PLF soon as you get bitch slapped by a planet.

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mutumbo

Sounds like he regrets settling down and a lot of his own decisions, and is jealous of your motility and happiness(i assume youre happy with your life).



That's not what I get out of it. I think he's happy with his life, with having a wife and kids, and finds it so fulfilling that he can't understand why everyone doesn't want the same.

To each his own.

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I don't know how old you are Nat, but I use to get that same thing all the time... I was single with a great job, living at the beach in San Diego well into my 30's.

I can't count the number of times people would take it upon themselves to make a value judgement on MY life choices...I'd usually just tell them we all make choices that are right for us, and that I hope they're half as happy with the path they took - as I am on mine.

More often than not, they weren't as happy as me. They bought into the program of expectations & did what their parents or friends did without regard to whether it's what THEY wanted, or were ready for.

For years at work it was a tradition to take the guys in my crew out for an hour after work friday to down a couple pitchers of beer at the local pub...one guy who'd been going for months suddenly said he could no longer join us, his wife though I was a bad influence on him.

I'd made a comment that I didn't want kids until I was both emotionally & financially secure and if I found the RIGHT woman...because so many young people start families only to divorce & fragment it.

Seems his wife wanted a kid & now he was having 2nd thoughts...they DID end up divorced, and hey maybe it WAS my fault!


If you follow your heart you're not on the wrong path...the only mistake you may be making is not kickin' that douchebag square in the nuts for having the audacity to overstep the bounds & presume analyse negatively YOUR character and choices.

Fuck him...he's trash. ;)











~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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airtwardo

I don't know how old you are Nat, but I use to get that same thing all the time... I was single with a great job, living at the beach in San Diego well into my 30's.

I can't count the number of times people would take it upon themselves to make a value judgement on MY life choices...I'd usually just tell them we all make choices that are right for us, and that I hope they're half as happy with the path they took - as I am on mine.



I'm 32... I'm sure as long as I don't fit the mould some people will see fit to judge... Human nature, I guess.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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I've heard the same thing my whole professional life, Nat. My favorite example is having a conversation with someone who then lists my good qualities... and ends with, "so I just can't understand why you're not married." :S Probably the best retort I've heard is from a skydiving friend of mine here in Turkey. She told me once, "I just tell them it's because I'm frigid." :D It sure beats getting into some discussion about why your life is good for you, etc.

And I also did have one person tell me when I was in my 30s that I was selfish for not wanting to have kids. I'd also get the, "oh, you'll change your mind." Whatever. At least now that I'm in my 40s, they don't bother! ;)

See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

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TriGirl

I've heard the same thing my whole professional life, Nat. My favorite example is having a conversation with someone who then lists my good qualities... and ends with, "so I just can't understand why you're not married." :S Probably the best retort I've heard is from a skydiving friend of mine here in Turkey. She told me once, "I just tell them it's because I'm frigid." :D It sure beats getting into some discussion about why your life is good for you, etc.

And I also did have one person tell me when I was in my 30s that I was selfish for not wanting to have kids. I'd also get the, "oh, you'll change your mind." Whatever. At least now that I'm in my 40s, they don't bother! ;)




On our first 'real date' my now wife asked me how I got to 36 and never got married..."Just lucky I guess" was my answer, and she loved it. :D

In our case, we were into our 40's with successful careers when the urge for a family came along. We got rid of the sports cars, motorcycles & airplane...got SUV's, dogs & kids.

BTDT...now we're grandparents, sold the SUV's & back to the 'old' ways.

At my wife's 40th high school reunion, her best friend from back then made a comment regarding our 'unconventional' lifestyle..."it's not really unconventional for US" was Capt. Mom's reply. B|










~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

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Nataly

***Not being funny here but do you perhaps think you might have picked it up wrong or being a bit over-sensitive ?.



No. He went on to say my lifestyle was lazy, selfish and immature because I was prioritising work over creating something meaningful (family, kids, et cetera). And that under those circumstances, of course it was easier to take risks in life (by changing jobs, for example). Yes, he actually said that.

Ah fair enough i thought possibly either a language thing or miss interpretation has happened to me a few times. Everyone has the right to choose how they walk through life mine is not the same as someone elses sounds like a complete tosser :D

Billy-Sonic Haggis Flickr-Fun


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pincheck

Ah fair enough i thought possibly either a language thing or miss interpretation has happened to me a few times. Everyone has the right to choose how they walk through life mine is not the same as someone elses sounds like a complete tosser :D



I think his comments were more about the fact that some people have constraints and/or responsibilities that others don't... I don't know the guy that well, but I didn't get the impression he was deliberately attacking me per se... Just comparing my "easy" lifestyle with people who had things harder... But I think he failed to consider two things: one, people who do have kids chose to have kids, and two, I've worked damned hard for the lifestyle I'm currently enjoying (and it's not as "easy" as he might think)... Certainly we all have different obstacles to overcome, but not all these obstacles are chance/circumstance.

As for the vehemence with which he was arguing his point... Well, who knows? Jealousy? Disapproval? Touchy subject? All/none of the above??? Impossible to say.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Nataly

two things: one, people who do have kids chose to have kids...



Um, not always. Lots of women get pregnant while on birth control - it's not a sure-fire guarantee. And if you're talking about abortion, they should not be faulted for choosing not to abort. So sometimes you end up with children, even though you didn't intend to, and because you did the right thing by stepping up to take responsibility by not aborting them.

Birth control effectiveness: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/birth-control/birth-control-effectiveness-chart-22710.htm

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There are a few comebacks that make people think twice.

When you as a stranger look at someone else's life you are blinkered to all but the things you envy and the things you disapprove of.

Are you always there to take your kids to school, feed them when they come home, play with them, help with the homework and put them to bed? If not you're not covering the full range of responsibility for your life choices.

Taking responsibility for your own choices is being an adult. Insisting that your choices are the only right ones is being a fascist.

And for a man, 'Do you fully support ALL your children? Are you sure? How do you [email protected]
Anne

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I think that raising kids, managing a marriage and career and education, etc., can bring a great deal of life experience. I'm not suggesting that folks my age who haven't had two kids, gone through a divorce, and fought a war are lesser than I in any way.

Simply put, from time to time I'll come across someone in their mid thirties who has had relatively little responsibility throughout their lives. Their mindset can just be differemt. They may not understand what it's like juggling kids, work, fun, etc.

I'm not envious of someone who hasn't gone through the same trials as I any more than I would expect them to be envious of me. I made decisions that took me along a given path just as they did - I didn't necessairily have an opportunity to learn about myself in my 20's the way I would have liked because I took the fast track to parenthood. And here I am in my mid 30s - just starting to finally live MY life post divorce, and my kids are old enough to be my best friends. I get to be in my 20's with the knowledge of someone in their 30's.. It's a trade off.

We are who we are and are where we are because of the decisions we have made as individuals.

To the OP, it definitely sounds like whomever is giving you heat over your decisions is more regretful of their own. Don't sweat people like this or let their negativity bring you down. It sounds like you have made some pretty smart moves, so good on you for that.

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Nobody has the exact same trials as you... If someone else doesn't get what your hardships must be like, I would wager you also have no clue what it's like to to be them... What they've gone through, their trials and tribulation... And you're crazy if you think the hardships you describe are the absolute worse-case scenario (which I'm sure you don't :P)...

You grew up a certain way, with a certain potential, and certain advantages/disadvantages and then you made a bunch of choices... It's crazy/pointless to compare that with a whole different set of circumstances/factors/decisions.

"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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I can assure you that if you ever do marry and have children, it won't stop. I have one child and a fantastic marriage. We are satisfied with our son (he's a toddler) and don't want any more children. Most of the people I know have at least two children. If I mention in conversation that my child is freaking adorable and doesn't annoy me; my husband and I have sex almost daily; I have tons of free time to explore my own interests; we have plenty of money... The response is typically "Well, that's because you only have ONE child." And like you, I often want to say, "Nobody made you have two, three, or four kids. You made that choice yourself." But the reality is, people just like to bitch. Regardless of their status or family situation, there are some people who just like to complain about their own life, and denigrate yours.

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mutumbo

Sounds like he regrets settling down and a lot of his own decisions, and is jealous of your motility and happiness(i assume youre happy with your life).



That's not what I get out of it. I think he's happy with his life, with having a wife and kids, and finds it so fulfilling that he can't understand why everyone doesn't want the same.

To each his own.

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