Okay you're dead - Now What?!

[airtwardo 6]

Death has touched my life especially hard & frequent the past two years....

I've lost a lot of people close to me both family & friends.

It's not really something you get 'use to' or good at, but seeing it a whole bunch, up close & personal, has given me a few insights I'd like to share.

It's inevitable - so get YOUR shit together now.

Nobody likes to think about it, so we tend to ignore the obvious - it's coming - and hope we'll have time to take care of the things that need to be taken care of and that things will just 'work out'...Don't DO that!

If you don't have a 'living will' or some such way of conveying your wishes in regard to extraordinary measures to keep you alive as a 'head on a plate', or let you go when the quality of life 'As You' define it, just isn't there...get it done.

I can possibly relay to you how important it is that your wishes are spelled out, that whomever you deem as overseer - knows what you want and will act on your behalf with that intent.

Have your affairs IN ORDER!

Denial ain't a river...it's an unbelievable & unfair burden on your loved ones.

Dyin' ain't cheap, if you don't at this minute have funds set aside to take care of those expenses or have life insurance GET SOME!

Saddling family or friends with seeing to YOUR final expenses regardless of the arrangements you stipulate is rude.

If you're a younger person you may out of habit expect your folks to take care of it, whether an ash dive at Elsinore or a brass casket, ocean view plot with a 6 foot monument at Holy Garden of Impact - the least you can do is foot the bill.

If you're older what - you want your kids to buck up?

It may seem like no big deal but trust me when it all comes down, it's a stressful situation YOU can avoid your loved ones even thinking about. Figure out what it will cost & have that much insurance AT LEAST...taking care of the other bills you leave behind, the kids education etc. is of course important & the right thing to do as well. But minimum, cover the hey I'm dead stuff whatever ya have to do - anyone reading this can afford 10 grand of life insurance just to keep things rolling for a month.

Have all your important papers & documents in one place and available,..
YOU may know that you keep your car's title in your high school yearbook, your savings bonds under the bed with the box of porn, your savings account passbook with your CD collection - but when you're gone someone else has to go looking. Just as gesture of kindness - make it easy on 'em!

Two examples - total opposite ends of the spectrum is what got me thinking about this stuff, and was/is MY motivation for getting my ducks in a row.

Two years ago ~ hoping to surprise her on her birthday - I found my mom unresponsive in her favorite chair, phone still in her hand from when I'd called her the night before.

Brain tumor, we did the home hospice thing for 10 days until she passed. Sis & I were sitting in the kitchen that 1st night while mom was in the hospital wondering what to do..HOW to handle what was coming.

I look on the side of the fridge & there it was - EVERYTHING!
In an envelope not in 'plane sight' was the instructions 'in case' - what to do, who to call, where stuff was, account numbers, you name it. It had been there for 7 years!
Cool lady, smart, organized, efficient...Love ya Mom!!

One month ago ~ someone quite close passed away, semi-short illness (6 weeks) but a nasty, unnecessarily 'uncomfortable' death...
No provisions in regard to how far to take it, no provision whatsoever for anything!

Maxed out credit cards, barely enough money saved to pay the rent in his apartment while hospitalized much less the utilities...an apartment filled with junk & clutter that had to be gone through painstakingly in order to piece together things of consequence. What a freakin mess - how could he NOT have written something down, left a cassette recording...SOMETHING?!



Then it hit me...yeah, I know where MY stuff is - wife has a basic idea, but it's not 'clearly laid out', not easy to find - not all in one place.

And heaven forbid she & I both go at the same time - Rut Row!

I love my family and friends, I spent an ungodly amount of heartache, time & money taking care of things someone close should have done for himself - someone smart, funny, a good person. Someone that in truth, didn't plan things very well in many areas of his life.

Don't Be That Guy!

So in that vane...I'm today, putting the final touches on my 'dead - now what' file.

House paperwork, vehicle titles, life insurance, investment portfolio, what to do, when to do it, who gets what.

Copies here at home, one with my attorney, a memory stick with all of it to my sis & one to my best friend out on the left coast...friends & family will NEVER have to endure what I just went through this past month.

BTW ~ ~ ~Gonna be a hell of an ash-dive @ Elsinore one of these years - and hey gang, lift tickets, food & beer are on ME!



No matter where you are in life...what you have or don't have, however well meaning your intentions are ~ remember, ON this adventure, we all carry our own water - it's only fair & it's the right thing to do.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[Phillbo 11]

Well said.

[wmw999 2,121]

This is so very true. I've helped several relatives through death, and it's so much easier when there's plenty of paperwork and wishes are known.

If nothing else, make your wishes known with regards to care, and what you want done with your body and/or at any sort of memorial. It's unbelievably comforting to others to know that they're doing "the right thing" for you.

If you have to go to the hospital and someone has to haul out the medical decision papers, have several copies, with the original marked as such -- multiple entities (e.g. hospital, rehab, nursing home, hospice, visiting nurse) all want copies of it, and if your relatives are distracted, they can unthinkingly give away the original.

A list is very helpful -- your relatives may not know how your IRA or 401K is allocated (it's generally not in the will), they may not know where it is. Etc.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[Tink1717 2]

When I was in college, I took a class called "Death Education". It was one of those electives they make you take outside of your major and it couldn't have been better timed and provided better info. My mother died suddenly and without warning two months after I took that class. Had I not taken that class, I would have been looking at a monumental task without a clue as to where to start. I also would have been looking at a major financial soaking from the death industry. They tried everything in the book to con me out of all the money they possibly could. But thanks to that class, I knew better, much better.

You have hit the nail on the head. The only thing I would add is to take a class in death at either your university or community college. It's well worth it.

Skydivers don't knock on Death's door. They ring the bell and runaway... It really pisses him off.
-The World Famous Tink. (I never heard of you either!!)
AA #2069 ASA#33 POPS#8808 Swooo 1717

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Welllll said!

I've everything legalfied down to who I want to dispose of my ashes, where and when. Even covering all the travel expenses for the person, of course.

The thing is, a few in my family have SEEN my living will, last will and testament, trust documents I had set up for someone and they are PISSED. My family sucks so bad I've left my 3 immediate surviving family members (mom, brother and half sister) $1 each with a long letter why I left them that. It was only to keep them from contesting for being left out, so that's that. FUCK THEM. Of course, they're the ones that's pissed.

Oh, and I left my portion of a trust left to me from my Dad to someone not family but whom I love greatly and was the person who treated me amazingly, always. My asshole brother thought my portion should go to him. Of course he did. Selfish prick. He'd cut your stomach open if he thought you swallowed a penny.

I hate to say this but I'm glad my middle brother passed away on his own hours after the doctors told us he was brain dead (heroin OD) because my parents would've kept him on life support for yearssssssss because that's how fucking selfish they are. My brother always said 'pull the plug' but he never put it in writing.

This subject makes my blood boil because people who are treating me like shit in life are going to all of a sudden act like family of the year and swoop in like vultures when I'm dead. I guess the way I have things set up is my final "fuck you" to them all.

Oh, don't forget to also write your own obituary too and keep it with your important papers. Pick a good picture of yourself too.

Also, don't forget to set up a care plan for any pets you may have that may survive you!! My brother said the only ride he'd ever give my cat was to get gassed. Fucking asshole.

Grrrrr..... I could spit nails right now.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[JerryBaumchen 1,048]

Hi Jim,

Nicely put. I'm probably a little closer to seeing the reaper than you are and I will be creating an Advance Directive next week.

My mom is 91 and in a retirement facility. I have a Power of Attorney from her and a copy of her Doctor's Directive ( that's what it was called 20 yrs ago ).

Year and a half ago I had to have one of those serious talks with a doctor just before they started cutting on her. And we both struggled to come up with the right terminology, he finally suggested 'No extraordinary measures' and I told him that would be perfect.

I have a will, I've had 'the talk' with my kids ( they really did not want to talk about it ). I think I'm set; I think mom is set, but who really knows.

But it's better than nothing.

BTW if you live in this area, OHSU will pick you up ( after you're dead, of course ), take what organs they need for research, cremate you and return the ashes to your survivors, all for free. I told that kids, "That's for me."

Live well & prosper, old timer,

JerryBaumchen

[melch 0]

As an individual that makes frequent trips to very unfriendly countries I can not agree more with the things you have said.

It is very morbid getting these things in order but very necessary and does not take all that long to do.

POA and specialized POAs for banking
POA for medical decisions
Living will for hospitilization (am I vegetable, do I have brain function, what are the percentages
Actual will for the day I buy the farm.
Funeral already planned (down to the casket and plot) and purchased with the local funeral home.
One of the most overlooked items I think is naming an executor of the state. POAs cease to matter once you are actually dead and it can be a headace for loved ones to be recognized as the EoE.
Ledgers set aside that I reconcile at the end of each month along with a list of specific individuals I want called and a list of all accounts, passwords and instructions to delete various accounts (Ebay, FB, etc.)

Prepare for the inevitable.

[airtwardo 6]

Quote

Oh, don't forget to also write your own obituary too and keep it with your important papers. Pick a good picture of yourself too.

Had a blast, No regrets.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[Amazon 7]

You can always invest in......... this

Love the motto

[airtwardo 6]

Quote

...we both struggled to come up with the right terminology, he finally suggested 'No extraordinary measures' and I told him that would be perfect.

Hi Jerry~

In all honesty, I would be absolutely 100% certain that what YOU mean by that is what THEY mean by that.

Case in point that I just went through...'minor' stomach surgery that went south & just kept snowballing. Guy took a cab to the hospital because of a severe tummy ache, not an ambulance a cab...2 hours before he was 'fine' - heck the cab stopped at an ATM so he could pull $ for the cab ride home later...

But that's how it goes I guess.

Minor infection lead to septic then even worse, blood clots in the lungs lead to a ventilator then phenomena, blood thinners short hopped to a stroke...guy had tubes for nutrition & waste, 7 different IV's going at any given time and beyond keeping the pump going his hard drive was 2/3's fried.

A couple/few times there were chances to turn left or right, but without a detailed map, the medics kinda gotta always turn left.
Either during or shortly following the stroke, he yanked the ventilator out - gasping like a drowning victim he stayed with us..for FOUR more days! He was dead but didn't know it, even 2 weeks PRIOR to that...

I stayed with him, played his favorite music, talked to him, held his hand every minute of those last days...at times he seemed responsive, but who knows - all I saw in his eyes was pain. Several times caught myself thinking - there but for the grace...

I won't chance that...not now, not after seeing that!

To 'them' extraordinary measures changes definition as the snowball rolls, especially when clear directives aren't present....but not really the way "I" thought or would hope for - came down to, they wouldn't use the paddles when he vapor locked. . . until that time 'comfort care' means starving while on morphine. A medical P.O.A. would have had mercy and done the right thing, long before my friend actually answered the reapers ad.

Were it ME...5 days on a ventilator without marked improvement toward life without it - game set match. That type of detailed instructions (and others of course) are what I've clearly outlined.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[wmw999 2,121]

My sister-in-law is a nurse; she said that in emergency situations, it's very easy to insert a ventilator or a feeding tube, with a very decent possibility that it's worthwhile. Then you go south, and it's incredibly difficult to take the ventilator or feeding tube back out.

Needs to be discussed among family members.

Wendy P.

There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

[airtwardo 6]

wmw999

My sister-in-law is a nurse; she said that in emergency situations, it's very easy to insert a ventilator or a feeding tube, with a very decent possibility that it's worthwhile. Then you go south, and it's incredibly difficult to take the ventilator or feeding tube back out.

Needs to be discussed among family members.

Wendy P.

In a case like I'm describing, the vent pretty much needs to come out after 7 days...the next thing is a tracheotomy doing about the same job but easier on the victim - i mean patient.

Everybody knew prior to the vent where the bus was headed, with no one 'official' to make the call...protocol dictates ventilate.

Common sense says turn out the lights the party is over.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Quote

I stayed with him, played his favorite music, talked to him, held his hand every minute of those last days...at times he seemed responsive, but who knows - all I saw in his eyes was pain. Several times caught myself thinking - there but for the grace...

YOU, Sir, are a quite a friend. He was so blessed to have someone like you with him for the end.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[turtlespeed 212]

airtwardo

***My sister-in-law is a nurse; she said that in emergency situations, it's very easy to insert a ventilator or a feeding tube, with a very decent possibility that it's worthwhile. Then you go south, and it's incredibly difficult to take the ventilator or feeding tube back out.

Needs to be discussed among family members.

Wendy P.

In a case like I'm describing, the vent pretty much needs to come out after 7 days...the next thing is a tracheotomy doing about the same job but easier on the victim - i mean patient.

Everybody knew prior to the vent where the bus was headed, with no one 'official' to make the call...protocol dictates ventilate.

Common sense says turn out the lights the party is over.

I think I want to be deeply frozen and pushed out the back of a Casa.

Dont forget the streamer.

Try and spot for a nice piece of rock hard ground.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Think you'd shatter like glass?

Always be kinder than you feel.

[turtlespeed 212]

LuckyMcSwervy

Think you'd shatter like glass?

I hope so.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

turtlespeed

***Think you'd shatter like glass?

I hope so.



I'm going to be released on deck the USS Vandenberg. In the middle of one of the satellite dishes. The funny thing is the fish are going to swarm and eat me in like 2 seconds flat. Then I'll be fish poo and then I'll circle the world on the ocean currents in 10,000 years. Or the fish will get caught and someone having some yellowtail snapper at a restaurant in Key West will be having me for dinner also.

Oh, the Vandy is my favorite wreck dive.

ETA: Some of me is going for an ash dive too.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[turtlespeed 212]

LuckyMcSwervy

******Think you'd shatter like glass?

I hope so.



I'm going to be released on deck the USS Vandenberg. In the middle of one of the satellite dishes. The funny thing is the fish are going to swarm and eat me in like 2 seconds flat. Then I'll be fish poo and then I'll circle the world on the ocean currents in 10,000 years. Or the fish will get caught and someone having some yellowtail snapper at a restaurant in Key West will be having me for dinner also.

Oh, the Vandy is my favorite wreck dive.

ETA: Some of me is going for an ash dive too.

Oh - can we do that - I know what part can be my ash dive.














My Head Silly! Why? What were you thinking?

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[jackwallace 3]

Also throw away your old crap. Old electric bills, car and house insurance papers, taxes. checks. I spent days going through stuff like this to try to find what's relevant in a dead friends life. Came home and threw out all my old crap.

U only make 2 jumps: the first one for some weird reason and the last one that you lived through. The rest are just filler.
scr 316

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

turtlespeed

*********Think you'd shatter like glass?

I hope so.



I'm going to be released on deck the USS Vandenberg. In the middle of one of the satellite dishes. The funny thing is the fish are going to swarm and eat me in like 2 seconds flat. Then I'll be fish poo and then I'll circle the world on the ocean currents in 10,000 years. Or the fish will get caught and someone having some yellowtail snapper at a restaurant in Key West will be having me for dinner also.

Oh, the Vandy is my favorite wreck dive.

ETA: Some of me is going for an ash dive too.

Oh - can we do that - I know what part can be my ash dive.














My Head Silly! Why? What were you thinking?

I was thinking your shell! Seriously, yes, the funeral home people will split your ashes up to however many little containers you need. And they'll help you with the paperwork if you have to fly commercially with the remains too.

I hope to drop dead watching a beautiful sunset after a kick ass dive day while in Key West. That way they don't have to fly my body home only to burn me and then take me back. I'm courteous.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[airtwardo 6]

LuckyMcSwervy

******Think you'd shatter like glass?

I hope so.



I'm going to be released on deck the USS Vandenberg. In the middle of one of the satellite dishes. The funny thing is the fish are going to swarm and eat me in like 2 seconds flat. Then I'll be fish poo and then I'll circle the world on the ocean currents in 10,000 years. Or the fish will get caught and someone having some yellowtail snapper at a restaurant in Key West will be having me for dinner also.

Oh, the Vandy is my favorite wreck dive.

ETA: Some of me is going for an ash dive too.


When I die...I wanna be thrown out of a plane - Halftime stadium drop during the Superbowl - impact right on the 50 yard line....dressed as Superman!

Sweet dreams all you little fuckin' kids - told ya to stay off my lawn!

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[FlyingRhenquest 1]

airtwardo

When I die...I wanna be thrown out of a plane - Halftime stadium drop during the Superbowl - impact right on the 50 yard line....dressed as Superman!

Sweet dreams all you little fuckin' kids - told ya to stay off my lawn!

Aah! I coughs up a lungs!

My checklist includes:

1) Arrange for beer at funeral (First funeral as the guest of honor)
2) Find the ruler of that dark place and overthrow him.

As for my family, well I hope they enjoy the plethora of sex toys I've hidden around the house and the contents of the petri dish in the fridge. Perhaps next time they won't suck so much.

I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

melch

Ledgers set aside that I reconcile at the end of each month along with a list of specific individuals I want called and a list of all accounts, passwords and instructions to delete various accounts (Ebay, FB, etc.)

Prepare for the inevitable.

I have a spreadsheet with every account, account #, web address, user name, password, password hint, security question answers, etc. that's kept in a safe deposit box. Even Facebook, even Dropzone.com. I kinda chuckle at the fact my very special person is one day going to log into this shit and read my private messages. He knows me better than anyone on earth so I assume he'll shake his head and laugh.
Has anyone told the person who is the beneficiary of your trusts, life insurance, etc. that they're getting these things???

Always be kinder than you feel.

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Quote

As for my family, well I hope they enjoy the plethora of sex toys I've hidden around the house and the contents of the petri dish in the fridge. Perhaps next time they won't suck so much.

What? You don't have a friend with a key to your house to gather up and dispose of the SDCS box?! When I was single and my Dad was alive, my best girlfriend always had a key to wherever I was living with explicit instructions to hightail it to my house and gather items. We called it the "Shit Dad Can't See" box. I would've done it for her also.



One time she helped me move, along with my Dad, and my Dad picked up a sealed box that had SDCS written in black magic marker on the side with a smiley face. She almost knocked my Dad over taking it out of his hands saying she'll get that one. OMG... I haven't thought about this shit in years!!

Always be kinder than you feel.

[FlyingRhenquest 1]

LuckyMcSwervy

Quote

As for my family, well I hope they enjoy the plethora of sex toys I've hidden around the house and the contents of the petri dish in the fridge. Perhaps next time they won't suck so much.

What? You don't have a friend with a key to your house to gather up and dispose of the SDCS box?! When I was single and my Dad was alive, my best girlfriend always had a key to wherever I was living with explicit instructions to hightail it to my house and gather items. We called it the "Shit Dad Can't See" box. I would've done it for her also.



One time she helped me move, along with my Dad, and my Dad picked up a sealed box that had SDCS written in black magic marker on the side with a smiley face. She almost knocked my Dad over taking it out of his hands saying she'll get that one. OMG... I haven't thought about this shit in years!!

Oh, no. I want them to find those. Really, I should include a post card. It would say something to the effect of "Hi mom! Remember that time you made me go to summer camp when I was 9?" and "Hey sis! Remember that time you pulled a knife on me when I was 17? Oh, no reason. Have fun removing this dildo from my personal belongings! It was the biggest, blackest one I could find, under the circumstances."

My family, yeah, fuck those guys. My skydiving buddies, I'll buy beer for!

I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?