Men: I Love You But Sometimes I Just Don't Get You

[LuckyMcSwervy 0]

Question for men:

Do you "test" women?? I mean see what a women will "put up" with?

One month you have behavior that's appalling and the women walks away. The next month your behavior is choir boy consistent, almost perfect, chivalrous and doesn't seem forced one iota. Like the previous month of head-meet-wall for me never happened. Like I never met you before and witnessed things that made me cringe.

Yes, I've asked the person directly what the 180 is all about and they said they've done nothing different. Uh, ok.

Opinions from you guys are very much appreciated.

Always be kinder than you feel.

[rifleman 61]

Never play games - ever. Either you want to be with someone and commit to the relationship (for however long it lasts) or you don't but playing head games with a woman just shows how little respect you have for her.

I know it's old fashioned but I was raised in a family with a lot of women. I learned to cook, can dance latin and ballroom and I was taught to appreciate the arts. I've put over-amorous, slightly tipsy young ladies in taxis and made sure they've got home safely without taking advantage of the situation.

Quote

“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” - Bob Marley

Atheism is a Non-Prophet Organisation

[muff528 3]

Men usually find out what a woman will put up with without having to conduct any "testing".

[NWFlyer 2]

LuckyMcSwervy

Yes, I've asked the person directly what the 180 is all about and they said they've done nothing different. Uh, ok.

Question for you.

If he is testing you, is this the kind of person you want to have a relationship with?

If he isn't testing you, is this noticeable behavioral switcheroo with no apparent explanation or willingness to acknowledge it something you want to put up with in a partner?

If the answer to either or both questions is "no" it doesn't really matter what his intentions are, does it?

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

[airtwardo 6]

Inconsistency regarding personality and patterns of behavior is usually a strong indicator of someone who's still searching for who they are. . .

That or there's too much gravel and not enough cement in the mix....either way, not a real good foundation with which to build anything on.

~ If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? ~

[JohnnyMarko 1]

Me? Test women?

Nope

[Bolas 5]

Not so much a test, but I share all my secrets early in a relationship and try to show them my worst.

[Andy9o8 0]

LuckyMcSwervy

Question for men:

Do you "test" women?? I mean see what a women will "put up" with?

One month you have behavior that's appalling and the women walks away. The next month your behavior is choir boy consistent, almost perfect, chivalrous and doesn't seem forced one iota. Like the previous month of head-meet-wall for me never happened. Like I never met you before and witnessed things that made me cringe.

Yes, I've asked the person directly what the 180 is all about and they said they've done nothing different. Uh, ok.

Opinions from you guys are very much appreciated.

I've been around long enough that, to my life experience (both living and observing), what you're describing is pretty gender-neutral, and happens in both hetero and gay relationships.

But in any event, life's too short, or at least too precious, to let a current or prospective SO drive you crazy. You've already done the marriage thing, moved on, and seem to have gotten on with your life. It's a big sea, with plenty of fish, and for all those whose personalities don't fit yours, there are plenty that do. Don't settle, and don't despair.

Oh my fucking god, I'm Ann Landers.

[promise5 17]

+100

No matter how slowly you say oranges it never sounds like gullible.
Believe me I tried.

[GD64 1]

No tests here.
I treat the opposite sex how I would like to be treated.
I don't have time for bullshit games.
I'm up front about things I'm into, that take time and money. Best to address this asap, and give them a chance to walk if they are the clinging type. Skydiving, hunting trips, dive trips, mountain bike trips, motorcycle trips, as well 10-12 hour work days during the spring-fall season. I hunt alone mostly or with a good friend or two, no females allowed. Everything else, a woman is more than welcome.....actually desiredOne major caveat (injuries excluded)......no whining.

I probably got side-tracked Lucky....but straight up front is the way I roll. Don't ask me anything unless you want the truth as I see it. I don't know how people that don't operate on that level can keep their bullshit straight?

Anyway, maybe your guy has other issues, or is off his meds. Flopping around from one extreme to the next could also indicate a substance problem....I don't know, but I sure wish you well in your relationship......they can be really hard. I apologize if I made this too much about me.

I find that my best relationships have come when I really wasn't looking for them and just leading my life.

[PeteW 0]

Im married now, but I never liked to play games. Relationships were always black and white for me. It was either on or off. I liked someone or I didn't.

[dzswoop717 5]

Seems like you are getting more dating resumes than advice. Drop zone . com dating service!!!!

[davjohns 1]

I never test. I am sometimes in an off mood, but I know it and I'll tell you. My mood doesn't dictate my behavior. But I think it might be a learned thing. I don't think I was always that way.

I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

[JBR 0]

I wouldn't say that I test my wife but I sure do deliberately push her buttons for my own personal amusement, She does the same with me I think. a couple of weeks ago I text her saying I'd got her a big present, made her wait a day before I brought it in the house (gift wrapped) and eventually let her open it. She says she likes her new vacuum cleaner.

[Remster 24]

Well, you just had a chance to bat for the other team, and you said no... Guess you're stuck with us :p

Remster

[quade 3]

This is not a man vs woman issue. This is a human vs psychopath issue.

Psychopathy being a sliding scale and pretty much everyone having a little bit of it, but some people being 11 on a scale of 10.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[Trafficdiver 8]

Cause women are sooo consistent in their behavior...

[Dantes 0]

I think that this sort of inconsistency is much more common among women. That is where the whole 'happy wife, happy life' bullshit came from.

Look at pop culture...any sitcom...the husband is almost always portrayed as some passive, servile buffoon who wouldn't be able to put his pants on correctly, without the guidance of his crazy wife.

Does this make me look fat?!

[skyjumpenfool 2]

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, but, I almost had a date once.

Birdshit & Fools Productions

"Son, only two things fall from the sky."

[kcjen24 0]

Wondered how long it would take for this thread to become about women....

[quade 3]

kcjen24

Wondered how long it would take for this thread to become about women....

Uhm . . . the original post? Read the subtext. It's not about men to begin with. It's really not. It's about one woman and how she was treated.

quade -
The World's Most Boring Skydiver

[FlyingRhenquest 1]

What would be the point? Maybe you found a bipolar one.

I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

[turtlespeed 212]

Bolas

Not so much a test, but I share all my secrets early in a relationship and try to show them my worst.

Yeah - its alot more like a pop quiz.

I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

[agaace 0]

Stay. Away. From. Him. Took me 7 years of being single, dating immature boys and getting hurt over and over again until I finally set some hard rules for myself. Actually just one rule: never make someone a priority if you're only an option for them.

Then, when I was getting used to the idea of getting cats and spending the rest of my life as a single cat lady, I met the most amazing man, like I won the lottery. Consistent, stable, mature personality. No drama. No games. Open about feelings, willing to commit. Communication is key. It really IS that simple. You either communicate with someone flawlessly or not.

Now I look back and wonder how I could have ever been bothered by immature, commitment-phobic boys. The only answer that comes to my mind is that maybe I needed some extra time to grow up as well. The right guy is worth all the wait in the world. Any other guy is a waste of time. After all, being single is pretty awesome too, you get so much more time for yourself, your own little projects and pleasures. Definitely better to enjoy single life than hook up with someone incompatible who'll just spoil your good mood.

The deal is men are humans with feelings. We are told by society they are supposed to be cool, hard, macho, non-emotional BS. But truth is men want to love and be loved, and feel someone cares and commit to that person. They get hurt just as easily as women do. Real men don't hide it, if they do or play games, they're still not a man, they're still a boy. If he cares about you, you will know it. He will want to make you feel special and you will feel special. Inconsistency is a red flag. It can mean for example, that he only cares about you when he's got no better option at the moment (harsh but we've all been there..). It can also mean behavioral problems - again if he has his own problems, and will not be open about it, he's not treating you seriously enough..

Oh how I know how you feel.. the deal is, us women often feel in love with our own idea of a guy we barely know rather than the actual person who might be 180 different than how we picture him in our mind. We get obsessed about someone who is unavailable to us and/or incompatible (partially because this unavailability won't let us get to really know that person better and get disappointed, so we keep this perfect image in our thoughts).. deep inside we know it's going to end badly but we stick to it because there's this one thing we love about that person. And then it always ends badly :) I'm so guilty of that one. But hey, otherwise life would be boring.

[Meso 38]

I don't think what you mention is gender specific, and I've experienced the same thing from girlfriends I've had. Where they would seemingly be so into the relationship for a period of time, then act like they couldn't care less for a period. And just when you think they're actually just wanting to end it, they return back to having the appearance of someone who cares.

It can be attributed to several things though. But often has to do with moods, or even mood disorders. These things were always more prevailent in people I dated who were diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. And would cycle between viewing a relationship as something that is filled with hope and positivity (able to portray that feeling), and then times when they would go for a few weeks feeling depressed, paranoid etc and that would prevent them from acting that same way within the relationship.

More times than not, it will likely just be someone playing mind games. But mood disorders can also cause the same appearance and are sometimes worth considering... Talking to them about why it happens and seeing if they're consciously aware they're doing it is usually a good first step.