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Nataly

A strange thing to be upset about...

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So I am single again and occasionally going on dates and have not exactly found "Mr Right" yet. Which to me is unsurprising. Unsurprising because I believe in degrees of compatibility and also that the vast majority of people do not fit into the "highly compatible" range. I am therefore doing my best to triage and be selective and not waste too much time on people who fall into the "very incompatible" range... I want to be in a *good* relationship - not just get together with *anyone* simply for the sake of not being alone...

I am simply AMAZED that anyone my age (or older) would take it as a personnal offence that we are not suited to one another. It's not like it's anyone's fault - and it's not like I'm insulting them by being honest and saying "I don't think we are a good match." It is what it is. It's infinitely more rare to find a good match than a bad one, so why this still comes as a shock/surprise to people is beyond me.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Oh, but the ego's a powerful thing!

No one wants to be told they aren't suitable or good enough, no matter the subject. Even if it is true that it just isn't a good fit, it's hard to ignore the possibility that something about them is lacking, and the words are just platitudes.
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oldwomanc6

Oh, but the ego's a powerful thing!

No one wants to be told they aren't suitable or good enough, no matter the subject. Even if it is true that it just isn't a good fit, it's hard to ignore the possibility that something about them is lacking, and the words are just platitudes.



I hear what you're saying, but come on... We're not teenagers anymore... If it's not a good fit, it's not a good fit. Why dig deeper than that - sometimes it really is that simple. Most of the time, actually.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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This was topic number one at last nights meeting of the Nataly Stalkers Club. The guys all agreed that it was really tough waiting for several years for you to finally be single again, only to be told they weren't a match.[:/]

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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grue

Many men worry about looks over psychological compatibility, figuring they can either ignore that or fix it later.

Some men ONLY worry about looks, full stop.



This.

I find that the first three dates or so I'm trying to figure out if we're compatible and the guy's trying to figure out if we're going to have sex or not.

And agreed, Nataly, it makes dating very frustrating because it puts all the burden of rejection on the woman. (Or at least that's how it feels to me...)

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Sucks, doesn't it? [:/]

I made a list of must haves and have been told it's ridiculous to paint someone into a box. I disagree. No one knows you better than you. Some things on the "list" can seem rather silly to someone else but if it matter to YOU that's all that matters. For example, I like taller guys. Taller to me is 5'10"+. I like to wear heels (I'm about 5'5" now, I'm shrinking). I hate to tower over my date. It also goes to a feeling protected thing by being with a bigger guy. Silly to some, but it is one thing I found didn't matter TOO much as I'm seeing someone who is 5'9" and makes me feel amazingly safe. :)
When the chemistry is right some of the things on the list all of a sudden gain a bit of flexibility and you may not even realize it's happening. B|

Always be kinder than you feel.

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oldwomanc6

Oh, but the ego's a powerful thing!

No one wants to be told they aren't suitable or good enough, no matter the subject. Even if it is true that it just isn't a good fit, it's hard to ignore the possibility that something about them is lacking, and the words are just platitudes.



http://sassyology.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/blog12.png

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LuckyMcSwervy

Silly to some, but it is one thing I found didn't matter TOO much as I'm seeing someone who is 5'9" and makes me feel amazingly safe. :)



Lucky has been getting lucky???:o:D
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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I think Disney has done a couple generations of women a huge disservice by feeding them a line that some "Prince Charming" is going to come along and sweep them off their feet and crap daisies and unicorns forever after. Fact of the matter is, no two people are going to get along 100% of the time. A relationship is a series of compromises and good communication. If you're holding out for Prince Charming, you're going to have a long wait.

Really Disney needs to be a bit more realistic. More like "And they lived for nearly a year before she felt compelled to stab him in the face!" Or maybe "They lived happily until he turned 53 and died of prostate cancer because he never thought getting a doctor's finger up his butt was a great idea. Then when she turned 67 she filed for social security benefits which were entirely based on his earnings since her job never payed more than a quarter of what being a prince did."
I'm trying to teach myself how to set things on fire with my mind. Hey... is it hot in here?

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skybill

Hi Nat,
You have your "List," which I might say is a good thing. But just beware, behind your "smiles," yours and his, lie "Your Demons!!" That is the "List" you will have to do major battle with!!



I don't have a list, actually. I have always been flexible in my approach to finding someone because so many things go into making each person unique that the same trait in one person could be a strength and in another a real turn-off... Cockiness can be charming or it can be offputting... Romanticism can be wonderful or it can be stiffling...

So it's not like the guy didn't "tick enough boxes" - it simply felt very wrong. When your gut tells you that, you'd be foolish not to listen...

I'm not looking for some kind of prince charming or an unrealistic fantasy... Of course getting to know someone takes time but in some cases, it's immediately obvious that no further dating is required... And that shouldn't be taken as some kind of insult. I met with a guy a couple if weeks ago. On the face of it, I thought we would get on swimmingly. Plus I found him VERY handsome and couldn't wait to meet him. I was all giddy and excited and thought the evening went well but he never called me back. I'm not offended by this and upon further reflection my enthusiasm was not actually shared. It happens. It's nobody's *fault*. I am who I am and not what he was looking for. It is disppointing but I'm not going to curl up into a ball and feel bad about myself!! I just accept it and move on.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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LuckyMcSwervy

Sucks, doesn't it? [:/]

I made a list of must haves and have been told it's ridiculous to paint someone into a box. I disagree. No one knows you better than you. Some things on the "list" can seem rather silly to someone else but if it matter to YOU that's all that matters. For example, I like taller guys. Taller to me is 5'10"+. I like to wear heels (I'm about 5'5" now, I'm shrinking). I hate to tower over my date. It also goes to a feeling protected thing by being with a bigger guy. Silly to some, but it is one thing I found didn't matter TOO much as I'm seeing someone who is 5'9" and makes me feel amazingly safe. :)
When the chemistry is right some of the things on the list all of a sudden gain a bit of flexibility and you may not even realize it's happening. B|



When/if you decide to lower ALL of your standards, let me know. B| (by the way, I'm 5'10" so I've got that going for me. :D)
"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

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piisfish

I think they don't understand being rejected before the sex part.
If you reject them after some sex, they will understand.



:D:D:D
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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theonlyski

***Sucks, doesn't it? [:/]

I made a list of must haves and have been told it's ridiculous to paint someone into a box. I disagree. No one knows you better than you. Some things on the "list" can seem rather silly to someone else but if it matter to YOU that's all that matters. For example, I like taller guys. Taller to me is 5'10"+. I like to wear heels (I'm about 5'5" now, I'm shrinking). I hate to tower over my date. It also goes to a feeling protected thing by being with a bigger guy. Silly to some, but it is one thing I found didn't matter TOO much as I'm seeing someone who is 5'9" and makes me feel amazingly safe. :)
When the chemistry is right some of the things on the list all of a sudden gain a bit of flexibility and you may not even realize it's happening. B|



When/if you decide to lower ALL of your standards, let me know. B| (by the way, I'm 5'10" so I've got that going for me. :D)

:ph34r: I just remembered you've actually seen this list.
Always be kinder than you feel.

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Nataly

***Hi Nat,
You have your "List," which I might say is a good thing. But just beware, behind your "smiles," yours and his, lie "Your Demons!!" That is the "List" you will have to do major battle with!!



I don't have a list, actually. I have always been flexible in my approach to finding someone because so many things go into making each person unique that the same trait in one person could be a strength and in another a real turn-off... Cockiness can be charming or it can be offputting... Romanticism can be wonderful or it can be stiffling...

So it's not like the guy didn't "tick enough boxes" - it simply felt very wrong. When your gut tells you that, you'd be foolish not to listen...

I'm not looking for some kind of prince charming or an unrealistic fantasy... Of course getting to know someone takes time but in some cases, it's immediately obvious that no further dating is required... And that shouldn't be taken as some kind of insult. I met with a guy a couple if weeks ago. On the face of it, I thought we would get on swimmingly. Plus I found him VERY handsome and couldn't wait to meet him. I was all giddy and excited and thought the evening went well but he never called me back. I'm not offended by this and upon further reflection my enthusiasm was not actually shared. It happens. It's nobody's *fault*. I am who I am and not what he was looking for. It is disppointing but I'm not going to curl up into a ball and feel bad about myself!! I just accept it and move on.

That would drive me crazy. You're nice like me. I bet you let someone know there will be no further dates. Some people think one date doesn't "require" an explanation but I like to let someone know I'm not interested.
Always be kinder than you feel.

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ryoder

***Silly to some, but it is one thing I found didn't matter TOO much as I'm seeing someone who is 5'9" and makes me feel amazingly safe. :)



Lucky has been getting lucky???:o:D

In November, the first guy I dated here in July and I innocently, casually reconnected. Perfect gentleman, totally respectable, very smart, very handsome, lots of fun and a conservative. Treats me like a princess. ;)
Always be kinder than you feel.

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piisfish

I think they don't understand being rejected before the sex part.
If you reject them after some sex, they will understand.



Hell, I never got rejected until we had sex!
"Here's a good specimen of my own wisdom. Something is so, except when it isn't so."

Charles Fort, commenting on the many contradictions of astronomy

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LuckyMcSwervy

he never called me back

That would drive me crazy. You're nice like me. I bet you let someone know there will be no further dates. Some people think one date doesn't "require" an explanation but I like to let someone know I'm not interested.



I personally think it's rude to just not answer someone's text/call... I think the least you can do is politely let the person know you are not interested. But that's just me...

Good to hear there is someone in your life btw :)
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Its good to do a social language reboot, some people on dates do fall of while talking, or get tired in the mind, the pressure of an actual patter with each other or not having one, or feeling fake, or guilty for talking to a girl after just selling kryptonite to lex luther, The knows of these questions is in the nature not the fake of a world, many men know they are not designed to be with just one woman, yet most that actually can never in truth loose the definition of loving one, nore yet fall from patients that is needed when emotion balances to physical and chemical, just as women are not absent their reflection or how society plays a part and a liability in that effect.. knowing whats around you is more important then first, saying or feeling less than, or failing, even more with actual sexual attractions, , adding the yes I cans in your head vrs the yes we can, s,,, does add the confidence concept, yet body language between two minds giving and taking makes for a better audit
of future life,, men not adding up in a pattern, has much to do with your loction, not to lesson kids in space, but moving has a crap load to do with being able to patter in a match if yet so unable to find, planning in your mind the smallist of actions that better idea, a future desire, , add a few,, filters say, loction or job change , small changes vrs big, places a man might be these days vrs places a man might have to go, , before war many men, officers , had big problems with women, many officers had to find wives for their troops, , but looking in the mind vrs looking in the bar was rather striking at such a time,, a week mind might say no,, an officer would not do that,, but general shoots the younger officer if they go to war before knowing if a child would be in the family picture,, best case,, the officer finds the woman and the soldier are both owners of the bar,,, the psychology of a nation in time is a good indicator of a planets future,, to win, just believe that all news is falls, your life is the only report
and no you are not the weather man,, the first thing that typed of poland before the nazi showed up was the cooperation in business leaving and a large group of leaders being lied about for trades attack,, like you suck, and failing, , the language at the bar and not finding the right one,, a defense minister wrote about, an economic issue is social logic failure,
a social issue is twards economic, , vrs a social barrier is an act of economic treason, and violence, , , most failing in war are seen in miss use of technology, no level, no goal, , no love,, no treaure,, corrupt is the network , corrupt is the leader,, and so on,, if to die for that theft is as faulty and stupid a move ,, to be so guilty, and lost, they would work as a team to hurt a marriage, , the military views that with the death penalty, , fkn martini shots,, who, d of thunk it,,?.

Having something never beats doing (>|<)
Iam building things - Iam working on my mind- I am going to change this world - its what I came here 4- - -

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