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Nataly

SUPER awkward find on Tinder...

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Nataly

Well, update on the situation since she brought it up first thing this morning. She got the message from me when he was right next to her and he claims it's a friend of his did it. She thanked me for the info and said had the situations been reversed she also would have told me without hesitation. :)

ETA - still interested in views on the topic, though.



Yeah, suuuuuuuuure it was a friend of his. :S You did your part. Now its on her to catch him again. She can't be naive at this point going forward.
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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ghost47

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Had I seen his pic any other time, I wouldn't have just sent it like that but it's done and can't be undone. At this point, I am merely curious as to whether people in her shoes would *want* to know or not. I'm not trying to reassure myself that I did the right thing because that would be pointless.


I think you ask yourself two questions:

1. If I were her, would I want to know?
2. From what I know of her, would she want to know?

If the answers are: yes and yes, I would definitely have told. If no and yes, I probably still would have told. If yes and no, I would consider what I knew about the person, and whether I felt I was in a position to override her preferences. And if no and no, then I would not have told.



^This. Big time.

I would absolutely want to know if my SO was cheating.

If I found out that any of my "friends" knew and hadn't said anything, I'd feel seriously betrayed, both by her and them.

But, for me, honesty and fidelity are at the very top of the "list" of things in a SO.

Others may feel differently.

And:

ryoder

***The irony is that I regularly send this colleague pictures of the weirdos I find on Tinder... Grown men wearing diapers, profile pics of Santa with guns, guys with feathers sticking out of their arse... I mean, there are some pretty colourful characters on there!!!



So you found the profiles of myself and WolfRiverJoe?:|

I don't have a Santa suit.

I don't wear diapers, and haven't stuck any feathers up my arse...



Yet.;)

She didn't mention bullwhips, large steel swords or laying out on the hood of a 928 like Rebecca DeMornay in Risky Business.

'Twasn't me. :P
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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I would say that the difference between the situation you described, and "telling" on someone who (you think, you heard, you saw) is cheating is that you simply showed your friend what you found on Tinder. You didn't say, "hey, your boyfriend is a lying cheater! (and here's my proof/why I think so)."

This was not getting in the middle of their relationship. This was telling your friend what hit your account.
See the upside, and always wear your parachute! -- Christopher Titus

Shut Up & Jump!

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BillyVance

***Well, update on the situation since she brought it up first thing this morning. She got the message from me when he was right next to her and he claims it's a friend of his did it. She thanked me for the info and said had the situations been reversed she also would have told me without hesitation. :)

ETA - still interested in views on the topic, though.



Yeah, suuuuuuuuure it was a friend of his. :S You did your part. Now its on her to catch him again. She can't be naive at this point going forward.

Whenever I sign up for sites like that, I always use my alias: "Billy Vance".B|
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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ryoder

******Well, update on the situation since she brought it up first thing this morning. She got the message from me when he was right next to her and he claims it's a friend of his did it. She thanked me for the info and said had the situations been reversed she also would have told me without hesitation. :)

ETA - still interested in views on the topic, though.



Yeah, suuuuuuuuure it was a friend of his. :S You did your part. Now its on her to catch him again. She can't be naive at this point going forward.

Whenever I sign up for sites like that, I always use my alias: "Billy Vance".B|

Bastard... :o :D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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BillyVance

*********Well, update on the situation since she brought it up first thing this morning. She got the message from me when he was right next to her and he claims it's a friend of his did it. She thanked me for the info and said had the situations been reversed she also would have told me without hesitation. :)

ETA - still interested in views on the topic, though.



Yeah, suuuuuuuuure it was a friend of his. :S You did your part. Now its on her to catch him again. She can't be naive at this point going forward.

Whenever I sign up for sites like that, I always use my alias: "Billy Vance".B|

Bastard... :o :D

Well, if you read the OP carefully, Nataly said she saw dude's picture. She didn't say whether or not it was under his real name.

So no matter what name you do (or don't) use, if you post your face, your friends (and the local post office regulars) will recognize you.
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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For me, if it was a friend that found this out, I'd feel betrayed by the mate and the friend when I did find out.
Coworker? meh. There's a line somewhere there and it's not my chair, not my problem to me.

It's odd to me the way dating has changed.
:S

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normiss

For me, if it was a friend that found this out, I'd feel betrayed by the mate and the friend when I did find out.
Coworker? meh. There's a line somewhere there and it's not my chair, not my problem to me.

It's odd to me the way dating has changed.
:S



Indeed... Totally different world from when we were in our 20's... And not all of it good. :S
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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skymama

I just read in an advice column the other day that if you feel the need to get involved, you should contact the person who is doing the possible misdeed and not the person whose feelings are going to get hurt. But, what's done is done. I wouldn't bring it up again with your colleague unless she decides to come to you and talk about it.



Exactly! I've just got stung by someone 'doing good' and will see what fallout tomorrow brings.

In my case I got far too close to a friend who is in a relationship. No physical cheating, but we got way across the line emotionally. Sunday we agreed to end our friendship as it was unhealthy and would let her work on her relationship. Some fuckwit who know decided to group message myself, this girl and her boyfriend with their 'helpful' advice.

Yeah I had screwed up, but this person has almost certainly torpedoed a relationship that while broken someone wanted to fix. If they had just spoken to either of us they would have known where things were at.
Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

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BillyVance



Yeah, suuuuuuuuure it was a friend of his. :S You did your part. Now its on her to catch him again. She can't be naive at this point going forward.



I don't buy it either but I shared what I knew and not my thoughts on the matter. Nobody asked/forced me to share what I saw but it is a factual thing, whereas my opinion is highly subjective. I will only give it to her if she asks.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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If you knew my SO was cheating / placing themselves out there and you did not tell me, I would consider you complicit in their deception. Keeping the truth to yourself can still be a lie.
I know it just wouldnt be right to kill all the stupid people that we meet..

But do you think it would be appropriate to just remove all of the warning labels and let nature take its course.

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I appreciate and respect that this is a painful subject for some. I don't like cheaters, but I don't like busybodies, either, even if someone is being careless and not discreet. Sometimes the closeness of the relationship between the "observer" and the presumed "victim" is an important factor. If it was a close relative or friend, AND I felt I had enough insight into their relationship with their SO to recognize that they were getting hosed, I suppose I might say something. A co-worker, or a casual acquaintance? Unless they and I were well on our way to becoming close friends, AND I had that level of insight into their relationship with their SO, I'd consider it none of my fucking business; and no, I wouldn't consider myself complicit.

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I hear what you are saying... And since I sent the info immediately, I can't claim that it was a well thought-through action on my part... :|

I don't typically get involved in other people's business, however there are some exceptions where I personally hope I would not just stand by and do nothing... Child abuse, rape, violence, et cetera. Because if we shut our eyes to the suffering of others, what kind of world do we live in???

And personally, although I appreciate that not everyone feels the same, if I had to do it over again, I would actually do the same thing. Maybe not in every case, but in this particular case, yes.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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