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Nataly

Just when you think you're on top of the world...

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Nataly

*********...

You find a sweater he used to wear, and it smells of him, and you miss him SOOOOOO much.

[:/]

Pffff... Fuck.



No, you miss what you THOUGHT he was, and what THAT meant to you. It's upsetting because you have to realize all over again he was actually a wanker, and the guy you thought you were with didn't really exist. [:/]

So, we go back to: you're better off realizing early enough that he was, in fact, a WANKER, and you're best to be rid of him. :)
Obviously I am not party to all the info - but whatever happened to second chances?

In the beginning he was romantic and sweet and caring and so many things. Then everything rapidly went sour. But in fact, *everything* happened quickly - and like someone pointed out on here, that alone should have set off alarm bells.

I will not go into the details, but as things only *continued* to escalate after the break-up, I followed the advice of a work colleague and made a "main courante" to the police at the end of last week... (It's not a complaint - only a statement they keep on their records.) Well, it turns out the guy was already in their database as a repeat violent offender... So yeah... THAT was an eye-opener. And confirmed that my decision to leave was sound.

Still wrapping my head around the whole thing, to be honest. But really I am fine. (Even if I occasionally sniff one of his sweaters and miss him... [:/]) Hey... Only 6 months ago (!) I didn't even know the guy existed... I will get over it :P:)
True violence in a relationship is acid.
That sux.
Glad you got out.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Nataly

He was rather... Um... Blessed in that department.



Jeeze - No wonder you're making it sound like you've been with him for six years rather than 6 months. . .

Sorry for your loss.:P
Never was there an answer....not without listening, without seeing - Gilmour

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Coreeece

***He was rather... Um... Blessed in that department.



Jeeze - No wonder you're making it sound like you've been with him for six years rather than 6 months. . .

Sorry for your loss.:P

Like I said, it all happened very fast and was really INTENSE... So it kinda *felt* like 6 years!! Lolol! Even I am surprised at the speed at which he got into every part of my life (and into my head/heart)...
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Nataly



Like I said, it all happened very fast and was really INTENSE... So it kinda *felt* like 6 years!! Lolol! Even I am surprised at the speed at which he got into every part of my life (and into my head/heart)...



Yeah, psychopaths tend to be good at that.

Sorry you are hurt, but really glad you got out of it.

And if you PM your address, I'll get a t-shirt nice & sweaty and send it to you. :)
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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BKS60


A former coworker likened it to a car:
You can't just drive it all the time;
It requires regular maintenance and sometimes repairs.

Just keep track of the trade in value! :)



Don't forget the value of any bolt on upgrades. :P
"I may be a dirty pirate hooker...but I'm not about to go stand on the corner." iluvtofly
DPH -7, TDS 578, Muff 5153, SCR 14890
I'm an asshole, and I approve this message

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theonlyski

***
A former coworker likened it to a car:
You can't just drive it all the time;
It requires regular maintenance and sometimes repairs.

Just keep track of the trade in value! :)



Don't forget the value of any bolt on upgrades. :P

(.)(.)
You can't be drunk all day if you don't start early!

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Rick

******
A former coworker likened it to a car:
You can't just drive it all the time;
It requires regular maintenance and sometimes repairs.

Just keep track of the trade in value! :)



Don't forget the value of any bolt on upgrades. :P

(.)(.)

( . )( . )

Just sayin'!
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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JohnMitchell

*** Well, it turns out the guy was already in their database as a repeat violent offender... So yeah...

>:( I am so glad you're out of that relationship. You made the right move.

...what John said. Smart girl.

mh
.
"The mouse does not know life until it is in the mouth of the cat."

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Nataly

Like I said, it all happened very fast and was really INTENSE... So it kinda *felt* like 6 years!! Lolol! Even I am surprised at the speed at which he got into every part of my life (and into my head/heart)...

That rush into commitment is one of the indicators of an abusive partner, I've read. Once again, glad you're out and okay. :)

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JohnMitchell

***Like I said, it all happened very fast and was really INTENSE... So it kinda *felt* like 6 years!! Lolol! Even I am surprised at the speed at which he got into every part of my life (and into my head/heart)...

That rush into commitment is one of the indicators of an abusive partner, I've read. Once again, glad you're out and okay. :)
Yeah, well reading up on it now, ALL the tell-tale signs were there... But having never encountered someone like him before I didn't see it. I am glad that so many people have taken the time to write about their experiences on online forums, etc... It makes his behaviour extremely predictable now. I think if other people hadn't dealt with exactly the same thing I would still be trying to figure out what *I* was doing wrong.

Instead I can focus on the things that made me vulnerable and make sure I never get into that kind of dynamic again. It sounds silly, but I am thankful for the experience. It has taught me to be more careful. I'm also thankful it happened to me now, when I am in a good place in my life... Had I encountered this guy 10-15 years ago, I'm not sure I would have gotten away from him so easily. I probably would have walked away *eventually*, but I think the damage would have been much, much worse.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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ryoder


Lol! Neat idea! :D Would give me a chance to practice my Swedish :P

(Yes, I actually *do* speak Swedish :)
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Nataly

******Like I said, it all happened very fast and was really INTENSE... So it kinda *felt* like 6 years!! Lolol! Even I am surprised at the speed at which he got into every part of my life (and into my head/heart)...

That rush into commitment is one of the indicators of an abusive partner, I've read. Once again, glad you're out and okay. :)
Yeah, well reading up on it now, ALL the tell-tale signs were there... But having never encountered someone like him before I didn't see it. I am glad that so many people have taken the time to write about their experiences on online forums, etc... It makes his behaviour extremely predictable now. I think if other people hadn't dealt with exactly the same thing I would still be trying to figure out what *I* was doing wrong.

Instead I can focus on the things that made me vulnerable and make sure I never get into that kind of dynamic again. It sounds silly, but I am thankful for the experience. It has taught me to be more careful. I'm also thankful it happened to me now, when I am in a good place in my life... Had I encountered this guy 10-15 years ago, I'm not sure I would have gotten away from him so easily. I probably would have walked away *eventually*, but I think the damage would have been much, much worse.

Big part is being willing to listen to opposing views.

When you announced your engagement various people spoke up and said it was a little fast.

You responded along the lines of: the people that really know you and are your good friends understood.

The lesson here is not alone how all the signs were there, etc. The lesson is that listening to only what you want to hear isn't smart.

Hindsight is 20/20, but in this case that is due to the massive blinders and dark sunglasses being worn up until this point.

Sorry, I don't do nice.

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SkyDekker

Big part is being willing to listen to opposing views.

When you announced your engagement various people spoke up and said it was a little fast.

You responded along the lines of: the people that really know you and are your good friends understood.

The lesson here is not alone how all the signs were there, etc. The lesson is that listening to only what you want to hear isn't smart.

Hindsight is 20/20, but in this case that is due to the massive blinders and dark sunglasses being worn up until this point.

Sorry, I don't do nice.



I did and do listen. I took in all of the information, and as anyone does weighed in ALL of the information before me and chose to give higher importance to what the people closest to me were saying. You HAVE to do this in life, otherwise you'd never believe in anything and/or would develop a paranoia about *eveything*. If everyone listened to every nay-sayer, no one in their right mind would EVER get married, buy a house, have children... And yet despite all the reasons NOT to do these things, some people choose to believe that against all odds, things might work out. And, occasionally (thank goodness), they do.

So YES, there were signs. Signs I did not see at first (partly through ignorance, and partly through choice - as you rightly pointed out). Again, it is a good lesson to be more careful in future... I am learning a lot from the experience... I think it's *great* that there are people like you who don't sugar-coat their views. You should CONTINUE to do this.

But again, when someone devotes so much time and effort to manipulating you, it is a little too easy in hindsight to say "you should have listened to the minority who thought things were going a little fast." That is the equivalent to saying we should have listened to the people who warned us about the housing crisis... Because those folks existed. But billions of people were wrong and a handful were right. And in that handful there were nutcases who were just paranoid and they did not in fact have the first clue what they were talking about (but they happened to be right).

So yes. Hindsigt is 20/20. There warning signs WERE there. It took me about 3 months to start really seeing them and a further 2 months to start really believing it and I am still discovering things that are scary and unpleasant to deal with. Last night was another rude awakening and the police had to get involved and although I have heard time and time again that domestic violence and/or harassment is an issue that is largely ignored by the police, I can assure you that *living* it is something else entirely. You hear about women who get killed by their partners and seeing how little the police cared/reacted last night is a frightening experience. (He knocked on my door and would not leave and hovered around in the village all night and at no point did the police come despite being called out. And he is a *known* violent offender.) Not fun. This morning I am afraid to leave the house and hop on my bike to get to work. Also not fun.

So yeah. Keep telling me what an idiot I was for not listening... It's NOT nice, but it actually is helpful... Maybe not at this point for me, but perhaps for someone else.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Nataly

***Big part is being willing to listen to opposing views.

When you announced your engagement various people spoke up and said it was a little fast.

You responded along the lines of: the people that really know you and are your good friends understood.

The lesson here is not alone how all the signs were there, etc. The lesson is that listening to only what you want to hear isn't smart.

Hindsight is 20/20, but in this case that is due to the massive blinders and dark sunglasses being worn up until this point.

Sorry, I don't do nice.



I did and do listen. I took in all of the information, and as anyone does weighed in ALL of the information before me and chose to give higher importance to what the people closest to me were saying. You HAVE to do this in life, otherwise you'd never believe in anything and/or would develop a paranoia about *eveything*. If everyone listened to every nay-sayer, no one in their right mind would EVER get married, buy a house, have children... And yet despite all the reasons NOT to do these things, some people choose to believe that against all odds, things might work out. And, occasionally (thank goodness), they do.

So YES, there were signs. Signs I did not see at first (partly through ignorance, and partly through choice - as you rightly pointed out). Again, it is a good lesson to be more careful in future... I am learning a lot from the experience... I think it's *great* that there are people like you who don't sugar-coat their views. You should CONTINUE to do this.

But again, when someone devotes so much time and effort to manipulating you, it is a little too easy in hindsight to say "you should have listened to the minority who thought things were going a little fast." That is the equivalent to saying we should have listened to the people who warned us about the housing crisis... Because those folks existed. But billions of people were wrong and a handful were right. And in that handful there were nutcases who were just paranoid and they did not in fact have the first clue what they were talking about (but they happened to be right).

So yes. Hindsigt is 20/20. There warning signs WERE there. It took me about 3 months to start really seeing them and a further 2 months to start really believing it and I am still discovering things that are scary and unpleasant to deal with. Last night was another rude awakening and the police had to get involved and although I have heard time and time again that domestic violence and/or harassment is an issue that is largely ignored by the police, I can assure you that *living* it is something else entirely. You hear about women who get killed by their partners and seeing how little the police cared/reacted last night is a frightening experience. (He knocked on my door and would not leave and hovered around in the village all night and at no point did the police come despite being called out. And he is a *known* violent offender.) Not fun. This morning I am afraid to leave the house and hop on my bike to get to work. Also not fun.

So yeah. Keep telling me what an idiot I was for not listening... It's NOT nice, but it actually is helpful... Maybe not at this point for me, but perhaps for someone else.

These guys are cowards who rely on no one knowing what they are up to, and in many cases people don't report them or tell anyone what is going on, for whatever reason, so their behaviour continues.

Keep a diary of incidents, dates, times and events, this will make your case with the cops stronger, or if you have to take out a restraining order on him.

Get a few male friends to phone him up and warn him off, even threaten him with violence (bluff or for real, but he doesn't know that) if he keeps bothering you.

Give him something to worry about and his focus will be deflected, especially if he doesn't know the people who are calling him out...

I've done that for a few ex girlfriends who were being bothered and the problem ceased.

Alternatively open the door to him and greet him with a pot of boiling water in the face.
My computer beat me at chess, It was no match for me at kickboxing....

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obelixtim


These guys are cowards who rely on no one knowing what they are up to, and in many cases people don't report them or tell anyone what is going on, for whatever reason, so their behaviour continues.

Keep a diary of incidents, dates, times and events, this will make your case with the cops stronger, or if you have to take out a restraining order on him.

Get a few male friends to phone him up and warn him off, even threaten him with violence (bluff or for real, but he doesn't know that) if he keeps bothering you.

Give him something to worry about and his focus will be deflected, especially if he doesn't know the people who are calling him out...

I've done that for a few ex girlfriends who were being bothered and the problem ceased.

Alternatively open the door to him and greet him with a pot of boiling water in the face.



I'll tell you why some people might be afraid to speak out... (Aside from the obvious fear of physical violence.). He was constantly twisting things around and taking "embarassing" pictures and generally gathering "blackmail" material on me. And threatened to bring these out in the open... He's counting on this to upset me except he is the one with things to hide... And if there is one thing he has not understood about me it's that I have NO SHAME WHATSOEVER!!! I'm a pretty straight arrow but then am the first one to dance nekkid on the table at the office party!!! So whatever might have worked on another girl will only make me laugh!!! :D:D:)

Anyhoo he didn't and doesn't get me at all. So he can go ahead and try to make a fool out of me. He will only end up looking like a moron. Besides, he is the one who cares so much about appearances - I am a massive over-sharer so I don't see how he could "humiliate" me... :P
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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Nataly

I'm a pretty straight arrow but then am the first one to dance nekkid on the table at the office party!!!



:o:)
"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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Nataly

***
These guys are cowards who rely on no one knowing what they are up to, and in many cases people don't report them or tell anyone what is going on, for whatever reason, so their behaviour continues.

Keep a diary of incidents, dates, times and events, this will make your case with the cops stronger, or if you have to take out a restraining order on him.

Get a few male friends to phone him up and warn him off, even threaten him with violence (bluff or for real, but he doesn't know that) if he keeps bothering you.

Give him something to worry about and his focus will be deflected, especially if he doesn't know the people who are calling him out...

I've done that for a few ex girlfriends who were being bothered and the problem ceased.

Alternatively open the door to him and greet him with a pot of boiling water in the face.



I'll tell you why some people might be afraid to speak out... (Aside from the obvious fear of physical violence.). He was constantly twisting things around and taking "embarassing" pictures and generally gathering "blackmail" material on me. And threatened to bring these out in the open... He's counting on this to upset me except he is the one with things to hide... And if there is one thing he has not understood about me it's that I have NO SHAME WHATSOEVER!!! I'm a pretty straight arrow but then am the first one to dance nekkid on the table at the office party!!! So whatever might have worked on another girl will only make me laugh!!! :D:D:)

Anyhoo he didn't and doesn't get me at all. So he can go ahead and try to make a fool out of me. He will only end up looking like a moron. Besides, he is the one who cares so much about appearances - I am a massive over-sharer so I don't see how he could "humiliate" me... :P

I was married to a psychopath for a long time. He sounds like he has many of the traits.The best thing is go full on no contact - do not answer or respond to any communications, they feed off your emotions and are great at turning you into the crazy person. A good book is ' stop spinning, start breathing'
Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

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nigel99

I was married to a psychopath for a long time. He sounds like he has many of the traits.The best thing is go full on no contact - do not answer or respond to any communications, they feed off your emotions and are great at turning you into the crazy person. A good book is ' stop spinning, start breathing'



Thank you for the tip - I will look into it... I am not a qualified to properly diagnose the guy, but I have been educating myself on "narcissist" and "sociopath" and "psychopath"... They have some common traits, and the mechanism/neurosis is quite similar... All the (credible) documentation/books/videos advise the no-contact method, and I have adopted this from 20 march 2016. I broke this rule twice following escalating harassment and it confirmed rather nicely that no contact means NO CONTACT... So I have gone one step further and instead of re-directing his emails to a folder, I have blocked him entirely. So I no longer receive ANY of his messages - not even in my trash or junk folders. Unless he creates a new email, and occasionally he has done this... And the new email promptly gets added to the blocked lists.

I also
- changed my phone number
- blocked him and ALL persons remotely connected to him from Facebook
- deleted my account on dating sites
- complained officially to the police (and will see about a restraining order tomorrow)
- asked security at entrance to the building I work in to keep him out
- told EVERYONE in my village to advise me if they see him (they did the other night, which is great)
- have an escape plan/route if he shows up at my door again
- will change my locks tomorrow and install an alarm system

All that is left now is for him to find a new victim... [:/]:S

Although the damage was relatively minimal, I am in no way underestimating the threat that he poses. Because he is angry and violent at the drop of a hat. Especially when he feels a perceived injustice or injury - such as no contact (!)... :S) He did/is doing a lot of awful things, but I believe he is mentally unstable and *actually* unable to help himself. Doesn't make him any less toxic, but knowing that he is crazy is good for 2 reasons:
1 - it helps me to realise that it is pointless to try and discuss ANYTHING with him on any rational/normal level whatsoever
2 - it helps me to realise that he is INCAPABLE of being fixed - so there is no point in hoping/trying

And finally, but rather importantly, I am taking a long hard look at why he picked me and why I let him into my life and what made me vulnerable and what I did to enable him, et cetera, et cetera. It's not victim-blaming to realise you need to RECOGNISE (and improve) your weaknesses and NOT fall for the same tricks again... Because bad people are out there... You cannot change that... But you can better avoid them and/or protect yourself.
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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It's a rough ride and can take time. I wouldn't blame yourself, until you've experienced it you have no idea how sick some people can be. On the bright side you've learnt how these people operate and being 'love bombed' can be difficult to resist if you don't know the signs first hand.

Sadly two close friends of mine also had Pscho partners, one of them has only just had her hair grow back properly and put on enough weight to be 'normal' again after 2 years.

The exact labels don't really matter, my ex was labelled a psycopath by the shrink who was counselling me at the time. I'd gone for marriage counselling on my own (cause it was all my fault) and after some debate and advice was told healthier to end the relationship. Best thing I've ever done and 3 years later still healing up.

Don't defend your behaviour if the person is psycho as it really makes you look crazy, just swallow your pride and ignore the allegations and bullshit.
Experienced jumper - someone who has made mistakes more often than I have and lived.

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nigel99


Don't defend your behaviour if the person is psycho as it really makes you look crazy, just swallow your pride and ignore the allegations and bullshit.



Luckily, I have been in my community and at my company for a long enough time that his allegations make *him* look like a total lunatic. So although in the beginning I defended myself vehemently, I have come to realise that ANYHING I do/say will be twisted and told in such a way as to make me look like an asshole. Even doing NOTHING is somehow interpreted and twisted into a false and ridiculous narrative. Anything to get a rise out of me...

Anyhoo, I have stopped feeding the monkey...
"There is no problem so bad you can't make it worse."
- Chris Hadfield
« Sors le martinet et flagelle toi indigne contrôleuse de gestion. »
- my boss

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