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Abedy

Coming out to dropzone.com as world's 1st transgender TI ;-)

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Hi everybody,

I admit I was a little hesitant about coming out to DZ.com but now that I have done so on other platforms, I think I also should come out here as it may help gain better understanding about transgender persons.

Being transgender (which is an adjective, not a noun nor a verb) means that your gender identity - with which you are born and which is hard-wired in your brain - and physical attributes of your body (aka 'sex') do not match, causing a dissonance that results in 'gender dysphoria.' It is nothing you choose, it is nothing you can be persuaded to and it's nothing that can be 'driven' out of you.

Believe me, being born in 1961, my parents did their best to 'get' the girl out of me. 'Doncha be such a sissy, doncha be a girl, a weakling, be a boy...' and - of course - the rod, the belt, the hand. Add 12 years of school that more or less could be described as learning how - usually to no success - to avoid the bullies. First they just hit and shoved me, later my bullies became more sophisticated with fine words such as 'f*g', 'Jewish pig', 'sissy' etc or 'forgetting' me at meeting points, silence when I entered a room, flat tires etc pp. Being declared unfit for army services added to the picture but I think if I had had to serve I would have committed suicide. And I never really knew what was wrong with me, just that I didn't fit in, that I never ever was good enough (especially my parents) and that I so often dreamed of girl clothes, liked my long hair and liked my early 1970s colourful clothes. Nothing sexually arousing, I just wished to be a girl but didn't know why. I hadn't had the chance to develop my gender identity by then, I was just busy being me and surviving. And everybody told me that I am a boy, that I should behave like a boy, that I should finally grow some. Well, if everybody tells you, you finally believe even if your brain tells you 'WTF?'

Later at university I searched the library to find out what was wrong with me. And - 1980 - I found one psychology book that - under the chapter headline 'perversions' - seemed to explain my wishes: A transvestite I was! A disgusting pervert, only topped by kiddie fiddlers and mass murderers.
My mates in my seminar group were nice, but I didn't find a girl friend to prove I am a man. I was declared a hopeless case in what today would be called 'flirt training.' I didn't have any real friends, was ashamed of myself, felt disgusted about my body that so late had gone through puberty and was a pervert as it was written in a scientific book. Time to put an end to it. I don't want to go into details, it just included a balcony at the 8th storey, two bottles of beer before and two guys who were observant of that strange guy who was always so sad. Being saved, I prayed to God to help me. He obviously did so, as my wife picked me as her boyfriend just a few weeks later. She chose me. She was my first and my only one. I was so happy. A girlfriend! Never ever those filthy thoughts again, love will heal me! Soon we had two kids and dearly cared for them - 6 years that we almost never went out at night. If a marriage survives such a test, it's gonna last forever. (We have been together for 33 years now, married for almost 31.)
Kids grew up, filthy thoughts surfaced again. The Change helped: Coping by immersing me into work and being a free-time political activist, then city councilor, even chair of committee for education. I silly idiot neglected my children and my wife and there is nothing I can ever to to make up for this. Filthy thoughts got stronger, as well as my self-hate and self-disgust. Nevertheless, the new freedom also meant easier access to women's clothes, especially pullovers. (I was never into undies or skirts - no sexual arousal, as I said before.) My hair had been gone by my late 20s, and so my despair grew and grew. Vicious circles of buying girl stuff, wearing it, hiding it, self-loathing and self-ashamed finally disposing of it (always into charity container!) and shortly after starting the next one.
I so desperately longed to prove I am a real, real, real man. I so wished these filthy pervert thoughts would go away. Skydiving was the solution. I took the course and... passed. I strutted though the world and told everyone what a man I was.
And secretly, I wore soft, colourful, frilly girl stuff...
So no wonder I needed even more to prove I am a man. I was in constant fear I would be 'read.' In 2005 or 2006 I happened to watch a documentary about transgender people and then at least knew I wasn't such a pervert, filthy 'transvestite.' (Today, I know they like to be called crossdressers and aren't perverts at all. Just men who like to wear women's clothes.) But I was so conditioned in my self-loathing, so fixated on my balding head, add the negative image of transwomen even in the first decade of the new century, I was still so disgusted about myself. I needed to prove I am übermale. Fitness obsession - all of a sudden I built up muscles and sported them by means of very tight shirts. Finally, I became a TI, the hero of the heroes! ...and secretly I still wore colourful, soft girl clothes with wide necklines. This dissonance was no longer to bear so my 'logical' solution was to put a clean end to it. To not do it at the DZ - never do this to your buddies. Not at home. I was so sad and felt so for my beloved wife. I didn't want to leave her, didn't want to make her a widow, but couldn't live with 'this' any longer.

It was a link Ryoder posted here that saved me. I searched the net for a small bottle of helium with all the necessary stuff to put myself to rest eternal, when I grew tired (it's hard to find a portable small bottle of helium) and logged into DZ.com. The link was about FFS, facial feminization surgery. It drew my down even more, but a link right... huh? It was about a transwoman from Israel whose timeline reminded me so much about my own one! Could it be possible? Sporting new hair as a baldie? (Today I am still befuddled how hair-obsessed I was. I now express femininity either with a human-hair wig or simply with a bandana, e.g. in the gym or at a dropzone.)

I started searching the net and found so many links... most of which were crap. But sooner or later you find the right one, the helpful ones. Friends who share your being trans. Real friends in my support group, and friends via Internet and phone. I came out to my GP and she... didn't laugh at me but told me 'Doncha be ashamed of yourself. You're a normal human being, just a little different and this you can work on!'
I came out to my wife. I don't want to go into detail, but I can only try to imagine how hard it was and still is for her. But I can say how blessed I am. Not only she didn't expel me, she stayed with me and by setting one step in front of the other, we'll see where this transition will take us.

I have been transitioning for more that 15 months now. Continuous counseling by a really good therapist, HRT for 9 months now. Hormone replacement therapy: Soft skin, and yes, sprouting boobies. (Again, no sexual arousal, they're there and that was that.) But the most important change happened after about 3 weeks or so. The grey leaden clouds parted, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, the birds were singing. Life all of a sudden felt right and real! I was - and still am - so happy, so endlessly happy. No more roles to play, just being me.
8 days just being Hannah on a trip to England... and so right, so satisfying, so great it was! I knew I was on the right path. Finally. Not that I regret having been married - it was the best that has ever happened to me, my beloved wife, my great children of whom I am so proud. (They also know and though it's hard to see their dad fade away, they didn't cut off relations. We spend time together whenever possible. My son and his wife are having a baby in November. Who can say they became a father at 21 and a granny at 53? ;-) )

I had planned to transition completely in boy mode, though it already happened in December 2013 that shop assistants referred to me as "Ma'am" if only I wore a woolly hat to cover my head completely. Rumours spread, folks mainly thought I was super-gay. To make it short, I was outed by a colleague, only based on rumours. Students asked me to confirm and as I had sworn to never lie, I told them about myself, about being trans... and when 60 mins were over, they applauded me, thanked me for being so honest and expressed their respect. 15 classes I came out to, not one single negative reaction. Did I mention I live in Germany? My superiors support me, and most teachers get along with 'it' fairly well so far. Within two weeks I 'slid' into living full-time. OK, I would have wanted 4 more months for: electrolysis, voice training ('mones don't change your voice), stocking up my wardrobe etc pp. But heck, that is life and I ahppily deal with it as it's finally MY life, a real and good life.

I tested myself: Pedestrian precinct, 4 hours handing out brochures for the Greens to hundreds of folks. Nobody stared at me. People I had been with in city council for 10 years passed me by and didn't recognize me. And many other occasions. It's just right, real, good and I am so happy.

The only drawback so far: I am refused to do tandem jumps. Because I am 'mentally unstable' and 'consuming that stuff' and all my arguments went unheard. That I had done almost 100 tandems while in transition last year. That transwomen worked as police officers, firefighters, steel workers, even military pilots (in the UK, for example). That I had asked my specialists and could bring assessments proving I am mentally stable (more than ever before now being my true self) and that my blood work results just scream 'Excellent' and that I had been allowed to donate blood three times in my transition so far. No, no, no.
Well, I won't let this draw me down. I have a DZ where I can do tandems, I only will have to learn how to exit from a C128, which - spoilt Caravan girl that I am - shall be interesting, especially as I am 6'1".

Wow, this was rather lengthy a coming-out 'letter', huh? But it does me good and I hope I might have provided some insight to some of you. I won't be able to log in on a daily base but hope I will be able to do so at least once a week to catch up with questions. I know most folks come from the US and experiences and good number of transwomen friends I have made tell me, this thread will also have its flames and other dismissing replies, but so be it... though I hope it won't be so as I think I did my best to explain what it means to be trans and that I just chose between 'end it' and 'just be yourself.'

I add just a few pics. These are ONLY for dropzone.com and MUST NOT be used in any other forums and especially not be used by any media.

(The last picture is me giving a lecture on skydiving at my LGBT support group. I still hope I will be allowed to do tandem jumps soon.)

Hugs, Hannah <3

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airtwardo

Hey Abedy ~ welcome to the jungle!

I applaud your courage and wish you great success!

Blue Skies!!





Edited to add:
~ SINCE this is your FIRST time coming out ~ You owe a case of beer! ;)



Hi Twardo, I thought you'd be one of the folks to reply nicely, thanks so much! (And nah, you're not one of the old furts!)
The case of beer, bummer... I completely forgot... ;-)
The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

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Iago

Meh, I wouldn't sweat it too much.

...
You'll run into the occasional dickhead, but brush them off. We all have to deal with those once in a while.



Thanks :)
The '1st TG TI' is more a joke and eye-catcher, you know ;)
And yes, I have already come across a few folks who made nasty remarks. I no longer let this get into me, not even get me really upset. I got more serious biz to do and gotta live a life true to myself B|:)
The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

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Abedy

I got more serious biz to do and gotta live a life true to myself B|:)



B|:)
"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences." -P.J. O'Rourke

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Years ago I joined the Marines on the buddy program with my best friend who's story is nearly a mirror for yours.

only difference is his wife and kids cut him/her out of their lives completely. :(

congrats on your happiness and having the courage to live the life YOU want :)
for the friends who knew you before... forgive them when the mess up and use your old name, they have years of habit to overcome

Roy
They say I suffer from insanity.... But I actually enjoy it.

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piisfish

I'd let you tandem me. Congratulations :-)



Thanks :)I really hope I can do tandems again, at least it's only about 35 to the 500-mark. :$
The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

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Quote

You'll run into the occasional dickhead, but brush them off. We all have to deal with those once in a while.



+ 1

Don't let the narrow-minded try to shape you to fit their world.


Don
"When in doubt I whip it out,
I got me a rock-and-roll band.
It's a free-for-all."

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PLFKING

Quote

You'll run into the occasional dickhead, but brush them off. We all have to deal with those once in a while.



+ 1

Don't let the narrow-minded try to shape you to fit their world.


Don



This^

You have to be true to yourself.

Those who understand that will accept you for who you are.

Those that don't, won't.

To put it another way, those who mind don't matter, those who matter don't mind.
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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Why is a picture titled "the woman you look down on"?

Looks like you are taller than me . . . Unless you are sitting down . . .

Just be true to yourself and it will work out in the end.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Thanks for posting all that. I've known others to make that transition and it's not easy at all. Hope all continues to go well for you.

Transgender joke, maybe a bit dated.

A person made the switch from male to female and one of her friends asked her what was the most painful part of the whole process.

She replied "Getting my paycheck cut in half." :P

Hopefully women's wages vs. men's have improved since I first heard that joke. :D

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One of my nephews is actually a niece. She'd be happy to know you, except, of course, that you're old :ph34r: (she's 20). Keep moving forward.

Wendy P.
There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown)

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Hi Hannah

Your TG friends were correct, in response to your thread:

Twardo hit you up for a case of beer,

JM wants to cut your pay in half,

Wendy called you old.

Tough crowd;)

I enjoyed your line about being a dad and a grand ma.:D

Don't worry be happy!

R
One Jump Wonder

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turtlespeed

Why is a picture titled "the woman you look down on"?

Looks like you are taller than me . . . Unless you are sitting down . . .

Just be true to yourself and it will work out in the end.



It was meant literally as a pic to be given to folks who object to my being trans. (Not that I have come across a bigger number of those so far.) I 'stole' the idea from my friend Kristin Beck, the Lady Valor, see attached.

And yes, being 6'1" tall, I can look down on most folks. Especially when wearing heeled shoes. I usually wear flats, but even 2" heels usually make me the tallest person in almost any room B|

I don't really care when someone I don't know at all stares at me or makes remarks, I am too busy being happy :)
I 'blend' pretty well, so almost anybody just sees a tall woman and that was that.
Folks who get to know I am trans react in different ways, but as mentioned before - if anyone objects etc I just shrug and walk away. Too busy being me B|
The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

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JohnMitchell

Thanks for posting all that. I've known others to make that transition and it's not easy at all. Hope all continues to go well for you.

Transgender joke, maybe a bit dated.

A person made the switch from male to female and one of her friends asked her what was the most painful part of the whole process.

She replied "Getting my paycheck cut in half." :P

Hopefully women's wages vs. men's have improved since I first heard that joke. :D



Thanks for your warm reply.
Getting fired has never been an issue as I have received permanency (sort of tenure) as a college teacher. Same with paychecks, as both genders are paid equally. My career options had been exhausted long before I started transitioning (due to several other reasons non of which is related to my being trans) so I won't suffer in respect to this as well.
I am constantly amazed how smooth almost everything has developed so far. No pickets before my school, no religious zealots sending death threats, my beloved wife staying with me... Maybe the old Man up there thought he might get even with me for my childhood at least...

Hugs, Hannah
The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

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wmw999

One of my nephews is actually a niece. She'd be happy to know you, except, of course, that you're old :ph34r: (she's 20). Keep moving forward.

Wendy P.



Hi Wendy, too bad for your niece. I suspect I am faaaar to old for her at 53 years of age ;)
The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

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D22369


for the friends who knew you before... forgive them when the mess up and use your old name, they have years of habit to overcome

Roy



Sure, we are all human beings. As long as it's not on purpose, I either let it pass or correct them in a very friendly, smiling way.

It sometimes gets hilarious, though. We recently visited old friends of ours. The are 60+ and rather conservative. Though I showed up 100% Hannah, they kept calling me with my old name. It was so absurd. But I didn't say anything as I didn't want to upset my wife - would have added to the burden I have already put on her.
Most people who know me adjust quickly though, some within the blink of an eye and never misgender me.

Hugs, Hannah
The sky is not the limit. The ground is.

The Society of Skydiving Ducks

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