JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[headoverheels 327]

 

[riggerrob 598]

On 10/13/2022 at 9:14 PM, headoverheels said:

 

A joke only understood by computer programmers.

[riggerrob 598]

Now that many of our neighbors are installing sculptures of ghosts and goblins on their front lawns in preparation for Halloween, I suggested to my landlord that we install a similar scary statue on our front law. I suggested installing a statute of a lawyer.

My landlord was ^%$#@! furious until I promised to only include the images of the lawyers that I admire and respect.

[Divalent 106]

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

 

Never lend money to a friend. It's dangerous. It could damage his memory.

[Divalent 106]

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.

"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"

The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"

"Um, no," mumbled the director.

"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"

"I … I … I had no idea."

"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"

[SethInMI 158]

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

-Emo Phillips

[SethInMI 158]

Q: how do you stop canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?

A: you take away their little brooms

[Divalent 106]

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married.

I told him to leave me alone and when he did, I asked him why he was ignoring me.

[irishrigger 32]

When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
instantly attracted to him…
… and during her questions about his life, she asked
him if he had ever had sex.
“Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was.
Tarzan said, “Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of
tree.”
Horrified, Jane said, “Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but
I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
“Here.” she said, pointing to her privates, “You must
put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his
considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and
kicked her right in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an
eternity.
Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed,
“What did you do that for?!”
Tarzan replied, “Check for squirrel.”

[Divalent 106]

I'm currently boycotting any company that sells items I can't afford.

----------------------

That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you're innocent".

 

[Divalent 106]

How come married women are heavier than single women?

A single woman goes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. A married woman sees what's in bed and goes to the fridge.
 

[Divalent 106]

As our doctor was performing a simple medical procedure on my wife, he warned her, "After this, you can't have sex for at least three days."

"Did you hear that?" she asked me. "No sex for three days."

"I heard," I said. "But he was speaking to you."

[SethInMI 158]

Q: What do you call a constipated detective?

A: NoShit Sherlock

[Divalent 106]

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough. At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

[lippy 860]

Doctor: “Okay Steve, this is your first prostate exam. Just stay calm and try not to get an erection”

Patient: “Ummm… Doc, my name is Brian”

Doctor: “Yeah sorry, my name is Steve”

[SethInMI 158]

[Divalent 106]

I just ended a long-term relationship today.

I'm not too bothered, though, because it wasn't mine.

[Divalent 106]

My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

[lippy 860]

The years I spent addicted to Viagra were some of the hardest of my life.

[Divalent 106]

My girlfriend is a porn star!

(But she will kill me if she finds out.)

[SethInMI 158]

[Faicon9493 133]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, “You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow now it's my fault.”

[Divalent 106]

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe my career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

[Divalent 106]

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

[Divalent 106]

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."