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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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An old Scottish farmer was on his death bed, his liver ruined by the drink, his lungs blackened with smoke, his knees worn out form walking too many miles. As he lay in his bed gasping, he smelled the sweet odor of his favorite scones wafting up from the kitchen. He tosses the blankets aside and pauses to catch his breath then he swings his legs over the side of the bed and pauses to catch his breath, then he struggles to stand up and pauses to catch his breath, then he shuffles towards the stairs and pauses at the top to catch his breath. Leaning heavily on the bannister, he descends one step and pauses to catch his breath ..... he shuffles into the kitchen and grabs a hot scone. His wife wraps him on the knuckles and chastises him: "Those are for the wake."

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, " Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, " One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said," I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead

The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it.

That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home.

His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

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david sedaris is telling this one these days:

A woman wakes up on her 40th birthday, and she goes to the drugstore and says: “Today’s my birthday. Can you guess how old I am?” The druggist says, “36?” She says, “I’m 40.”

Next she goes to the butcher shop and goes: “Today’s my birthday. Can you guess how old I am?” The butcher says, “32.” She goes, “No, I’m 40.”

She goes up and down Main Street. Nobody comes close to guessing her age.

She gets in her car and goes to the gas station. Says to the guy, “Can you guess how old I am?” He says, “I can guess your age and your birthday. But first you have to let me fondle your breasts for a while.” She says, “OK.” Then after about five minutes, he says, “You are 40 years old, and your birthday’s today.” “How did you do that?” He goes, “I was in line behind you at the butcher shop.” 

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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear while facing his enemies.

One day while sailing the 7 seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic. "Bring me my red shorts, said the captain. The first mate immediately fetched it. Captain Bravo and his crew easily won the battle.

The next day, the lookout spotted not one but two pirate ships. The men all looked at the captain, and he said " bring me my red shorts. The first mate again obliged. Again they were victorious.

Later that night at supper, the men asked the captain why he wanted his red shorts to go into battle. If I get wounded in battle you men won't see the blood and you will bravely battle on.

The next day the lookout sees not one, not two but 5 pirate ships. The men look at the captain and he says "bring me my brown shorts"...

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A bus driver was on trial for killing 24 children and 6 adults.

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the road, I saw a rabbit. I swerved into the woods and hit a tree. I managed to escape but all the other people just didn't make it in time and the bus exploded. Everyone but me perished."

"Why did you not just run over the rabbit?" Asks the judge.

"I tried!" Says the bus driver, "But it ran into the woods!"

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A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
 

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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

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In December I walked into work sporting a bushy white beard along with a red and white Santa Claus hat. I greeted my co-workers with a rousing "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

One of them replied "Are you calling me a ho?"

This sparked a rousing debate about what she does at her part-time job.

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20 minutes ago, riggerrob said:

In December I walked into work sporting a bushy white beard along with a red and white Santa Claus hat. I greeted my co-workers with a rousing "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

One of them replied "Are you calling me a ho?"

This sparked a rousing debate about what she does at her part-time job.

Then he grabbed her breast and resigned from office.

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A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office…

"Doctor," she cries. "I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!"

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. "Not again…"

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Wife: "Where the *HELL* ARE YOU? You should have been home HOURS AGO!"

Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry store where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it, and I didn’t have money that time, but I said, "Baby, it’ll be yours one day"?

Wife (smiling and blushing): "Yeah, I remember that, my love!"

Husband: "Well, I’m in the bar that's right next door to that place."

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