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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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After our team-mate died (cancer) a bunch of us POPS got into the habit or meeting at this grave on the anniversary of his birthday. We'd bring a bottle of wine, share stories and sing bawdy songs around his tomb-stone. Every so often we we'd fill our wine glasses and toast our dear departed jump buddies. We always filled an extra glass with wine and poured it on the grass over Old Bill's grave.

After a few rounds, Old Fred said "Old Bill hasn't changed a bit, He's still a fast drinker!"

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Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?"

There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."

They pay 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime.

Wine, Liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired skydivers. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.

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(edited)

A man and woman are having a quiet and romantic dinner at a fine restaurant.they lovingly staring at each other and holding hands. A waitress serving another table notices that the lady is starting to slip down her chair and below the table, while the man stares straight ahead. The waitress now realises that the woman has completely disappeared under the table and out of sight. Thinking that this behaviour is risque and worried what other customers might think, she approaches the table and tactfully says to the man, Excuse me Sir, it appears that your wife has slipped under the table!

The man looks up at the waitress and says, no she hasn't, she just fucking walked in!!! 

Edited by irishrigger

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What’s the difference between your job and a dead prostitute?
Your job still sucks.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.

What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip-off.

What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party. A bitch sleeps with everyone at the party—except you.

What does it mean if a man remembers the color of a woman’s eyes after a first date?
She’s got small tits.
 

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A cougar went into a bar in Austin, Texas, and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.  He had the biggest boots she had ever seen.
The older lady asked the man " is it true what they say that men with big feet are well endowed?".
The man grinned and said..
"Sure is little lady why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?".
The lady considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him $100 bill.  Blushing he said
"Well thank you, I'm really flattered...no one has ever paid me for my 'services' before!".
"Don't be flattered" she replied. "Take the money and buy yourself boots that fit ".

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A pensioner drove his brand new BMW to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought,
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"
So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,
"Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."
The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :-
"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!
The Cop left saying,
" Have a good day, Sir "...

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A man boards and airplane and sits next to an attractive woman. 

After a couple of minutes, the woman sneezes, and rather than wipe her nose with her tissue, she instead reaches between her legs and wipes her vagina.

The man is initially too embarrassed to say anything, but after the third time witnessing this, he quietly leans over and asks, "Is everything alright?"

The woman looks at him at says, "I'm sorry, but I have a rare condition that whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." 

"Whoa!" the man exclaims, "That's pretty serious. What do you take for it?"

The woman replies, "Pepper."
 

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An old Scottish farmer was on his death bed, his liver ruined by the drink, his lungs blackened with smoke, his knees worn out form walking too many miles. As he lay in his bed gasping, he smelled the sweet odor of his favorite scones wafting up from the kitchen. He tosses the blankets aside and pauses to catch his breath then he swings his legs over the side of the bed and pauses to catch his breath, then he struggles to stand up and pauses to catch his breath, then he shuffles towards the stairs and pauses at the top to catch his breath. Leaning heavily on the bannister, he descends one step and pauses to catch his breath ..... he shuffles into the kitchen and grabs a hot scone. His wife wraps him on the knuckles and chastises him: "Those are for the wake."

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, " Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. " I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, " One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said," I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

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A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says “God bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, “Good bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead

The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, “God bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, “Just because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it.

That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, “God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. ‘I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home.

His wife asks, “Where have you been?!” and the husband says, “Oh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, “Your days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

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david sedaris is telling this one these days:

A woman wakes up on her 40th birthday, and she goes to the drugstore and says: “Today’s my birthday. Can you guess how old I am?” The druggist says, “36?” She says, “I’m 40.”

Next she goes to the butcher shop and goes: “Today’s my birthday. Can you guess how old I am?” The butcher says, “32.” She goes, “No, I’m 40.”

She goes up and down Main Street. Nobody comes close to guessing her age.

She gets in her car and goes to the gas station. Says to the guy, “Can you guess how old I am?” He says, “I can guess your age and your birthday. But first you have to let me fondle your breasts for a while.” She says, “OK.” Then after about five minutes, he says, “You are 40 years old, and your birthday’s today.” “How did you do that?” He goes, “I was in line behind you at the butcher shop.” 

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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear while facing his enemies.

One day while sailing the 7 seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic. "Bring me my red shorts, said the captain. The first mate immediately fetched it. Captain Bravo and his crew easily won the battle.

The next day, the lookout spotted not one but two pirate ships. The men all looked at the captain, and he said " bring me my red shorts. The first mate again obliged. Again they were victorious.

Later that night at supper, the men asked the captain why he wanted his red shorts to go into battle. If I get wounded in battle you men won't see the blood and you will bravely battle on.

The next day the lookout sees not one, not two but 5 pirate ships. The men look at the captain and he says "bring me my brown shorts"...

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A bus driver was on trial for killing 24 children and 6 adults.

The judge asks the bus driver "why did you kill all those innocent people?"

The bus driver, looking a little sad, says "I didn't mean too, It was by mistake!"

"How did it happen?" Asks the judge.

"Well-" said the bus driver, "I was driving to a bus station but suddenly, on the road, I saw a rabbit. I swerved into the woods and hit a tree. I managed to escape but all the other people just didn't make it in time and the bus exploded. Everyone but me perished."

"Why did you not just run over the rabbit?" Asks the judge.

"I tried!" Says the bus driver, "But it ran into the woods!"

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A man walks into a bar. Upon sitting down a busty blond waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food. He looks up at the menu above the bar. It says Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, and Handjob $10.

He asks the waitress, "Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She winks and replies, "Why yes I am." He says, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
 

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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

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