JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

[RobertMBlevins 64]

Betsy and Bonnie run into each other at the supermarket. They haven't seen each other in a long time. 

"How's your husband, Betsy?"

"Oh, he's wonderful. Every Saturday he brings me a bouquet of flowers."

"That's great! I love flowers!" says Bonnie. 

"Well, I used to like them too. Now I hate them. I hate flowers. Can't stand them anymore."

"Why?"

"Because every time he brings them home, I have to lie down on the bed and spread my legs. That's why."

"That's awful," says Bonnie. "Don't you have a vase?"

**************

A man on a road trip sees a sign on the highway that says, Talking Dog at Store, so he pulls into the store. He asks the owner, "Do you REALLY have a talking dog?"

"Sure," the owner says. "He's in the back if you want to see him."

The man goes to the back of the store and sees a mangy-looking mutt lying in the corner. "Are you the talking dog?"

"That's me," says the dog. 

"That is amazing. How did you learn to talk?"

"Well, my litter mates howled and barked. Talking just sort of came naturally to me," says the dog. 

"How come you haven't tried to cash in on your talent?" 

"Oh, I've had an interesting life. When I was a young dog, I got a job with the CIA doing spy work in Warsaw, Moscow, Havana, you name it. People talk freely in front of a dog. They don't figure you understand them. Once in a while I would meet with my case agent. Yeah, I really hit the mark on some of my reports. Changed the world sometimes."

"Wow," says the man. "That IS something."

"Meh. After I retired from the CIA, I went to work for the State Department for a while. I've even met a couple of Presidents. But I'm retired from all that now."

The man shakes his head in amazement and goes up front to see the owner. "Have you ever thought of selling that dog?"

"Sure. You want to buy him?"

"Yes!"

"Ten bucks then."

The man is appalled. "TEN bucks? For a dog like THAT?"

"Yeah, ten bucks. He's full of shit. He's hasn't done ANY of those things..."

***********

Why are Jewish men circumcised?

Because no Jewish woman will touch anything that's not 20% off. 

Edited June 5, 2020 by RobertMBlevins

[riggerrob 185]

I wrote down a long list of things that I aught to do before I die.

I call it my authtodobiography.

[turtlespeed 212]

I’m starting to wish my grass was emo.

 

Why?          So it would cut itself.

[BIGUN 465]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

++++++++++++++

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

++++++++++++++

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

++++++++++++++

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."

[BIGUN 465]

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

[mr.paul 13]

If anybody would like a copy of Osteopath Weekly, I have back issues.

[turtlespeed 212]

This one is a real cringer . . . 

Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side.

[riggerrob 185]

if your parents named you after their favourite vice ....

For example, one of my co-workers was named "Sherry" by her alcoholic father.

[BIGUN 465]

57 minutes ago, riggerrob said:

named you after their favourite vice ....

That would explain a lot. My father's favorite vice was Nutella. He called me shithead. 

[turtlespeed 212]

20 hours ago, BIGUN said:

That would explain a lot. My father's favorite vice was Nutella. He called me shithead. 

Pronounced Shi-Thead?

[SethInMI 98]

Q. do you know what the best thing about being from Switzerland is?
A. i'm not sure, but i know the flag is a big plus

[turtlespeed 212]

I ran across this one - and it made me remember the second one - 

1) What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick!

 

2) What is Brown and Sticky? 

 

- A stick! 

[fog52 57]

>When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I
have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
coffee."  I said, "Well then, why are you crying?"  She said, "He makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me
for half the afternoon.  I said, "Well, why are you crying?"  She said,
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert
and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m."  I said again, "Well, why in the
world would you be crying?"  She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

[fog52 57]

> ONLY AT WAL-MART
> > If it isn't the lawyers trying to put Doctor's out
> of business, it's
> > Wal-Mart!!
> > 
> > One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe
> says to Mike behind
> him,
> > "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a
> doctor."
> > 
> > "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
> money," Mike replies.
> > There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart.
> Just give it a urine
> > sample and the  computer will tell you what's
> wrong and what to do
> about
> > it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a
> lot cheaper than a
> > doctor."
> > 
> > So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
> takes it to
> Wal-Mart.
> > He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights
> up and asks for the
> > urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot
> and waits.  Ten
> seconds
> > later, the computer ejects a printout:
> > 
> > "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
> water and avoid heavy
> > activity.  It will improve in two weeks." Thank
> you for shopping at
> > Walmart.
> > 
> > That evening while thinking how amazing this new
> technology was, Joe
> > began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
> He mixed some tap
> > water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
> from his wife and
> > daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe
> hurries back to
> > Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits
> ten dollars, pours
> in
> > his concoction, and awaits the results.
> > 
> > The computer prints the following:
> > 
> > 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
> softener.(Aisle 9)
> > 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with
> anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle
> 7)
> > 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
> rehab.
> > 4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't
> yours. Get a lawyer.
> (Kiosk
> > #2)
> > 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
> elbow will never get
> > better.
> > 
> > Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.

[fog52 57]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

     Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

 

     Pa replies,  "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

     Ma yells back,  "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

     So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yellsback,

     Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!  "

     Ma replies,  "Stick yur head in the hole!"

     Pa yells back,  "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

     Ma says,  "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to

     fix."

     So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,

     looks around and yells back,

       >"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

     Ma hollers back,  "Now take your head out of the hole!"

     Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

     Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

     To which Ma replies,  "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

[fog52 57]

 There was a man who really took care of his body. He
> lifted
> > >> weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he
> looked
> > >> into the mirror admiring his body and noticed that he
> was
> > >> suntanned all over, with the exception of his penis. So
> he
> > >> decided to do something about that. He went to the
> beach,
> > >> completely undressed himself, and buried himself in the
> sand,
> > >> except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the
> sand.
> > >>
> > >> A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along
> the
> > >> beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon
> seeing the
> > >> thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane
> began to
> > >> move the penis around with the cane. Remarking to the
> other
> > >> little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice
> in the
> > >> world."
> > >>
> > >> The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by
> that?"
> > >>
> > >> The first little old lady replied, "Look at that-when I
> was 20,
> > >> I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
> When I was
> > >> 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When
> I was 60,
> > >> I prayed for it. And when I got to be 70, I forgot
> about it. Now
> > >> that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and
> I'm too
> > >> old to squat."

[riggerrob 185]

My ex-wife asked why I tried to drive my car over her. I replied that I doubted if I had enough gas to drive around!

[fog52 57]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little
perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I
wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot." "Holy
crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent
thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You
can't see it ! because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You
really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't
afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for
$20; just make the guy an offer!"
 
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
 
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he
sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssst," and motions him ! over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the
postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him
at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her
nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees
and began to kiss her all over...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[fog52 57]

PEACH FARMER
>
>  The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops
>  had been lost.
>
>  Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only
>  way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the
>  middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So
>  he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
>
>  Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took
>  a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
>
>  A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy
>  voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
>
>  Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really
>  nice peaches for sale".
>
>  The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.
>  So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She
>  said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
>
>  Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really
>  good peaches."
>
>  So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no
>  panties.  She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious
>  like this?"
>
>  The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said,
>  "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
>
>  She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
>
>  The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my
>  tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think
>  you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

[turtlespeed 212]

What's the word of the day?  LEGS!!

Spread the word!

 

 

 

 

[oldwomanc6 24]

---

One day a lady walks into a very high-class jewelry shop.
She browses around for a bit before she spots a gorgeous diamond bracelet, which she goes over to inspect.

As she bends over to look at it more closely, she accidentally breaks wind.

She’s very embarrassed and looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident, praying that a sales person doesn’t appear right now.

But when she turns around, her worst nightmare is realized as she sees a salesman standing right behind her.

The salesman stays as cool as a cucumber and shows complete professionalism as he greets the lady by saying, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

The lady, a little more confident now that she’s gotten away with her little accident, asks, “How much is this lovely bracelet?”

The salesman replies, “Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you’re going to crap yourself when I tell you the price.”

 

 

[fog52 57]

FEMALE PRAYER
>                  Before I lay me down to sleep,
>                  I  pray for a man, who's not a creep,
>                 One who's handsome, smart and strong
>                 One who loves to listen long,
>                 One who thinks before he speaks,
>                 One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
>                 I pray he's gainfully employed,
>                 When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
>                 Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
>                 Massages my back and begs to do more.
>                 Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
>                 Knows what to answer to  "how big is my behind?"
>                 I pray that this man will love me to no end,
>                 And always be my very best friend.
> 
>                 Amen.
> 
> 
>    MALE PRAYER
> 
> 
>                 I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
>                 who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
>                 This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t
> 
>                 Amen.

[Bigfalls 37]

3 hours ago, fog52 said:

FEMALE PRAYER
>                  Before I lay me down to sleep,
>                  I  pray for a man, who's not a creep,
>                 One who's handsome, smart and strong
>                 One who loves to listen long,
>                 One who thinks before he speaks,
>                 One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
>                 I pray he's gainfully employed,
>                 When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
>                 Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
>                 Massages my back and begs to do more.
>                 Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
>                 Knows what to answer to  "how big is my behind?"
>                 I pray that this man will love me to no end,
>                 And always be my very best friend.
> 
>                 Amen.
> 
> 
>    MALE PRAYER
> 
> 
>                 I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
>                 who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
>                 This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh!t
> 
>                 Amen.

Car Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep

with my jeep parked down the street

and if it rolls before I wake

please dear god put on the brake

[Baksteen 40]

Q: How many monks does it take to change a light bulb?

 

A: Nun.

[turtlespeed 212]

Easy way to save money this Xmas - 

Tell your kids that Santa didn't make it through the Pandemic.