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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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THE CIVIL SERVANT'S DOG
-----------------------
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was
an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square",
and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a
triangle, which he did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better.
He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of
three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog,
"Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of
milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this
without a hitch.
All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to
the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant
called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the
fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then strolled over and
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical
Testing Laboratory.When your doctor sent your
husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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I was having a quiet beer at the pub the other day and a man walked in with a pet newt on his shoulder. I asked, 'What's his name?' 'Tiny', the man replied. 'Why do you call him Tiny?" I asked. He looked at me like I was a complete moron and said, "Because he's my newt".

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11 hours ago, mr.paul said:

I was having a quiet beer at the pub the other day and a man walked in with a pet newt on his shoulder. I asked, 'What's his name?' 'Tiny', the man replied. 'Why do you call him Tiny?" I asked. He looked at me like I was a complete moron and said, "Because he's my newt".

Argh. That was painful. Mike Muscat couldn't have done it better (worse).

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A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
 
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
 
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
 
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
 
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
 
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
 
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."

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>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
>covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
> >
> >Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The
> >heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At
> >that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
> >
> >When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
>funeral
>
> >-- I'm a gynecologist."
>
> >At that point, the proctologist fainted.

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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. 


The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. 


Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" 


Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. 


Men never learn.

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Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob says, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
The Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
 
 

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Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird  
>>section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." 
>>The owner comes over and  asks if he can help them. 
>>"Yeah, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. 
>>The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, 
>>leave the shop, get into Sven's  pick-up, and drive to the top of the Conor Pass.
>>At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks
>>like a grand place." 
>>He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off 
>>the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
>>stone dead.  Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his 
>>head and says: "Dis BUDGIE JUMPING ya, its too dangerous for me."  
>>
>>BUT WAIT!!!!....There's MORE!
>>
>>PART TWO:
>>Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop  
>>too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in  
>>one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Vatch dis," Ole says.
>>He  takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the 
>>cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the 
>>parrot.  Ole  continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom 
>>and breaks  every bone in his body.  Hans shakes his head and says, "And 
>>I'm never trying dat PARROTSHOOTING either."
>>
>>BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!
>>
>>PART THREE:
>>Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. 
>>He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he 
>>pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his 
>>head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he 
>>hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First
>>der vas Sven with his BUDGIE JUMPING, den Ole and his PARROT SHOOTING 
>> ...... and now der goes Lars, HENGLIDING..............."

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> >At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. 

> >Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their 

> > 

> >wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is 

> > 

> >concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they 

> > 

> >spend the entire night together. 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and 

> > 

> >the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door 

> > 

> >opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. 

> > 

> >They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and 

> > 

> >she prepares to go to sleep. 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, 

> > 

> >and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat 

> > 

> >surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are 

> > 

> >done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is 

> > 

> >back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, 

> > 

> >ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris 

> > 

> >gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly 

> > 

> >impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I 

> > 

> >have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good 

> > 

> >once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I 

> > 

> >was here already?" 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >Alzheimers - it has its advantages. 

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Today's Oldie but Goodie......

 

After reading whining post after whining post that have nothing to do with
skydiving whatsoever, I've decided to start my own damn thread that ACTUALLY
HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SKYDIVING!

It seems to me that the main reason MOST folks don't have a cypres is COST. If
there was a reliable alternative to the cypres at a price everyone could
afford, almost everyone would have one! Better yet...a design anyone with even
basic electrical knowledge can build themselves! So here's my easy to follow
plans:

All you need is a battery, a CYPRES loop cutter, and a bite switch like those
used by many freefall photographers for their still camera.

Simply hook the loop cutter up to your reserve closing loop like an ordinary
CYPRES. Make a circuit of the loop cutter leads, the battery and the bite
switch. Before the skydiving day begins....turn the unit on by securely taping
the battery to your lower back...just below your rig. Now insert the bite
switch securely into your ass. You may want to request to aid of a good friend
to help you on this part. Then again...maybe you don't. 

If you can't figure out how this unit operates....I can't help ya. Firing
setpoints will vary from unit to unit. And from asshole to asshole.
It'll be nice to know that your life is no longer in your hands....but rather,
stuck up your ass. And won't we all get to know each other a little better when
we make sure our buddy's AAD is turned on during a pin check.
I'm sure I'll need some kind of warning label for my new AAD....any ideas?

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(edited)

A woman goes into a pharmacy and says she wants to buy some arsenic.

"What do you want with arsenic?"

"I want to kill my husband. He's having sex with another woman."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband lady, even if he IS having sex with another woman."

She pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription. That's different. I'll be back in a moment..."

Edited by RobertMBlevins

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
“No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
_______________

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Favorite Oldie.......

 

>   ETHEL WAS A BIT OF A DEMON IN HER WHEEL CHAIR AND LOVED    TO 
> CHARGE
>  AROUND THE NURSING HOME, TAKING CORNERS ON ONE 
>     WHEEL AND GETTING UP TO MAXIMUM SPEED ON THE LONG 
>     CORRIDORS. 
>     BECAUSE THE WOMAN WAS ONE SANDWICH SHORT OF A PICNIC ... 
>     (ISN'T THAT A GREAT STATEMENT) THE OTHER RESIDENTS 
>     TOLERATED HER, AND SOME OF THE MALES ACTUALLY JOINED IN. 
>     ONE DAY, ETHEL WAS SPEEDING UP ONE CORRIDOR WHEN A DOOR 
>     OPENED AND KOOKY CLARENCE STEPPED OUT WITH HIS ARMS 
>     OUTSTRETCHED STOP HE SHOUTED IN A FIRM VOICE, HAVE YOU 
>     GOT A LICENSE FOR THAT THING? 
>     ETHEL FISHED AROUND IN HER HANDBAG AND PULLED OUT A KIT 
>     KAT WRAPPER AND HELD IT UP TO HIM. OKAY, HE SAID, AND 
>     AWAY ETHEL SPED DOWN THE HALL. AS SHE TOOK THE CORNER 
>     NEAR THE TV LOUNGE ON ONE WHEEL, WEIRD HAROLD POPPED OUT 
>     IN FRONT OF HER AND SHOUTED, S T O P HAVE YOU GOT PROOF 
>     OF INSURANCE?? ETHEL DUG INTO HER HANDBAG, PULLED 
>     OUT A DRINK COASTER AND HELD IT UP TO HIM.. HAROLD 
>     NODDED AND SAID, CARRY ON MA'AM. 
>     AS ETHEL NEARED THE FINAL CORRIDOR BEFORE THE FRONT 
>     DOOR, CRAZY CRAIG STEPPED OUT IN FRONT OF HER, STARK 
>     NAKED, HOLDING A VERY SIZABLE ERECTION IN HIS HAND. 
>     OH, GOD!!!!, SAID ETHEL ......"NOT THE BREATHALYZER 
>     AGAIN"

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On 5/23/2020 at 3:50 PM, riggerrob said:

The other day, a cop pulled me over.

"License and registration please sir."

"Why can I smell weed?"

"Because you are not demonstrating proper social distancing."

A few minutes later, the cop was putting hand cuffs on me.

"Sir, you have the right to remain silent ... because you have already annoyed me enough today."

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Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' happening?".

"D-d-didn't you hear, man? Big Jake's comin' to town!"

The bartender is confused, but rolls with it. But, since he doesn't want people coming and looting the salloon, he decides to stick around.

Just then, the meanest, tallest, ugliest son-of-a-bitch the bartender's ever seen bursts into the room. He slams the door so hard it falls clean off its hinges. He's eight foot tall, and nearly as wide. Every inch of his face is either scarred or tattooed. His ears are pierced with two massive railroad spikes. He picks up a table and throws it straight down through the floor, just to show that he can.

He walks up to the bar and slams his fist down on it so hard that it splits clean in two. "**HEY, BARKEEP!**", he yells. "**GIMME THAT BOTTLE O' WHISKEY!**"

Shaking, the barkeeper hands the bottle over. In one massive gulp, he downs the entire bottle before smashing it over his own head. "**NOW GIMME THAT BOTTLE O' TEQUILLA!**"

Again, the barkeeper hands over the bottle, which the stranger downs in a single gulp before breaking the bottle over his head. He scoops up some of the glass and eats it, just to show how tough he is.

Wanting to stay on his good side, the bartender asks him, "I-i-is there anything else I can get you, sir?".

The stranger says "**THANKS PARDNER, BUT I GOTS TO GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, FAST! I HEARD THAT BIG JAKE'S COMIN' TO TOWN!**"

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> Have you ever had one of those days?
>
> Divers out of Louisiana perform underwater repairs on offshore drilling
> rigs. Below is an email one sent to his sister. Anytime you think you have
> had a bad day at the office, remember this letter....
>
>  True story................
>
> Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
> day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must
> bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know    my office lies
> at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This
> time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
>
> We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of crap
> sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temp, then pumps
> it down to the diver through a garden hose which is taped to the air hose.
> Now this sounds like a good plan, and I've used it several times with no
> complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is I take
> the hose and stuff it down the back of my neck, this floods my whole suit
> with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
>
> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
> So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
> seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the
> damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened...
>
> The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
> This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast. Now I had
> that hose down my back I don't have any hair on my
> back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. The crack of my butt
> was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was
> actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt.
>
> I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the comms. His
> instructions were unclear due to the fact that he along with 5 other divers
> were laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive.
>
> I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
> 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry
> decompression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My
> suit and gear were tied to the bell.
>
> When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his
> face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to put it on my butt when I get
> in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't take a crap for
> two days because my butt was swollen shut. I later found out that this could
> easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward
> side of the ship.
>
> Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think
> about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up
> your butt. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope
> this will make them more tolerable.

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(edited)

A woman has a problem with stealing. She's a kleptomaniac. 

She gets caught stealing a can of peaches and has to appear in front of the judge.

"Why did you steal the peaches?" the judge says. 

"I don't know. I just did it."

"Hmm," says the judge. "How many peaches were in the can?"

"Six."

"All right then," says the judge. "I sentence you to six days in jail."

Her husband stands up in the back of the courtroom. "Your honor? She also stole a can of peas."

******************

A rabbi wants to try pork before he dies. But he doesn't want to be seen eating it by a member of his congregation, so he travels fifty miles to a restaurant in another city. On the menu, it says 'suckling pig,' so he orders it. 

The pig arrives at the table with an apple it its mouth. 

Just as he is about take a bite, one of his congregation who was on a business trip walks up to the table. "Rabbi! What are you doing?"

The rabbi says, "Can you believe this? I ordered a baked apple and this is how they serve it?"

Edited by RobertMBlevins

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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death. 

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. 

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. 

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. 

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. 

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. 

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! 

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. 

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur . 

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. 

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: 

What a woman really wants, she answered...is to be in charge of her own life. 

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. 

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding. 

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened 

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. 

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night? 

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments? 

What would YOU do? 

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY? 


  
 
 
 
 


Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. 

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life. 

Now....what is the moral to this story? 
Scroll down 


 
 
 
 
 


The moral is..... 
If you don't let a woman have her own way.... 
Things are going to get ugly

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