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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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THE CIVIL SERVANT'S DOG
-----------------------
Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was
an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square",
and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a
triangle, which he did with no sweat.
The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better.
He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of
three, which he did with no problem.
The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog,
"Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of
milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this
without a hitch.
All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to
the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant
called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the
fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then strolled over and
ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other
three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed
a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation,
and left for home on sick leave.

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The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Stevens at the Medical
Testing Laboratory.When your doctor sent your
husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for
AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"
questioned Mrs. Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

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I was having a quiet beer at the pub the other day and a man walked in with a pet newt on his shoulder. I asked, 'What's his name?' 'Tiny', the man replied. 'Why do you call him Tiny?" I asked. He looked at me like I was a complete moron and said, "Because he's my newt".

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11 hours ago, mr.paul said:

I was having a quiet beer at the pub the other day and a man walked in with a pet newt on his shoulder. I asked, 'What's his name?' 'Tiny', the man replied. 'Why do you call him Tiny?" I asked. He looked at me like I was a complete moron and said, "Because he's my newt".

Argh. That was painful. Mike Muscat couldn't have done it better (worse).

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A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
 
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"
 
"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities."
 
"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.
 
"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer."
 
"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
 
"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here In the first place."

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>A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
>covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
> >
> >Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The
> >heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At
> >that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
> >
> >When confronted, he said: "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
>funeral
>
> >-- I'm a gynecologist."
>
> >At that point, the proctologist fainted.

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A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of crabs. A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did. 


The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out. 


Shortly before landing in New York, she announced to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?" 


Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself. 


Men never learn.

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Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob says, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
The Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?”
Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
 
 

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Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird  
>>section and Sven says to Hans, "Dat's dem." 
>>The owner comes over and  asks if he can help them. 
>>"Yeah, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven. 
>>The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Hans and Sven pay for the birds, 
>>leave the shop, get into Sven's  pick-up, and drive to the top of the Conor Pass.
>>At the Conor Pass, Sven looks down at the 1000-foot drop and says: "Dis looks
>>like a grand place." 
>>He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off 
>>the cliff. Hans watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself
>>stone dead.  Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Hans shakes his 
>>head and says: "Dis BUDGIE JUMPING ya, its too dangerous for me."  
>>
>>BUT WAIT!!!!....There's MORE!
>>
>>PART TWO:
>>Moments later Ole arrives up at Conor Pass. He's been to the pet shop  
>>too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in  
>>one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Hans. Vatch dis," Ole says.
>>He  takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the 
>>cliff. Hans watches as half way down, Ole takes the gun and shoots the 
>>parrot.  Ole  continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom 
>>and breaks  every bone in his body.  Hans shakes his head and says, "And 
>>I'm never trying dat PARROTSHOOTING either."
>>
>>BUT WAIT!!!!.....There's MORE!!
>>
>>PART THREE:
>>Hans is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. 
>>He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he 
>>pulls a chicken. Lars then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his 
>>head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he 
>>hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Hans shakes his head - "First
>>der vas Sven with his BUDGIE JUMPING, den Ole and his PARROT SHOOTING 
>> ...... and now der goes Lars, HENGLIDING..............."

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> >At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. 

> >Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their 

> > 

> >wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is 

> > 

> >concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they 

> > 

> >spend the entire night together. 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and 

> > 

> >the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door 

> > 

> >opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. 

> > 

> >They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and 

> > 

> >she prepares to go to sleep. 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, 

> > 

> >and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more action. Somewhat 

> > 

> >surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are 

> > 

> >done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Morris is 

> > 

> >back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, 

> > 

> >ready for more action. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris 

> > 

> >gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly 

> > 

> >impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I 

> > 

> >have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good 

> > 

> >once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I 

> > 

> >was here already?" 

> > 

> > 

> > 

> >Alzheimers - it has its advantages. 

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Today's Oldie but Goodie......

 

After reading whining post after whining post that have nothing to do with
skydiving whatsoever, I've decided to start my own damn thread that ACTUALLY
HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH SKYDIVING!

It seems to me that the main reason MOST folks don't have a cypres is COST. If
there was a reliable alternative to the cypres at a price everyone could
afford, almost everyone would have one! Better yet...a design anyone with even
basic electrical knowledge can build themselves! So here's my easy to follow
plans:

All you need is a battery, a CYPRES loop cutter, and a bite switch like those
used by many freefall photographers for their still camera.

Simply hook the loop cutter up to your reserve closing loop like an ordinary
CYPRES. Make a circuit of the loop cutter leads, the battery and the bite
switch. Before the skydiving day begins....turn the unit on by securely taping
the battery to your lower back...just below your rig. Now insert the bite
switch securely into your ass. You may want to request to aid of a good friend
to help you on this part. Then again...maybe you don't. 

If you can't figure out how this unit operates....I can't help ya. Firing
setpoints will vary from unit to unit. And from asshole to asshole.
It'll be nice to know that your life is no longer in your hands....but rather,
stuck up your ass. And won't we all get to know each other a little better when
we make sure our buddy's AAD is turned on during a pin check.
I'm sure I'll need some kind of warning label for my new AAD....any ideas?

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A woman goes into a pharmacy and says she wants to buy some arsenic.

"What do you want with arsenic?"

"I want to kill my husband. He's having sex with another woman."

"I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband lady, even if he IS having sex with another woman."

She pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist says, "Oh, I didn't know you had a prescription. That's different. I'll be back in a moment..."

Edited by RobertMBlevins

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A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter.
Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.
“I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.
The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?
Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.
Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
“No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."
_______________

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