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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. 


 There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" 


 He says, "OK, Get in the car with it."


 The wife says, "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" 

  He says, "Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there." 


"But what about the smell?" said the wife. 

 "Just hold its little nose."


 The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene. 

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A bit of news maybe you already knew about:

"What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the
world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important
person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La
Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died
peacefully at age 93.  The most traumatic part for his
family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble

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Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes
   wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.  As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
   nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.  After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my
   apartment, I hear someone coming."  He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.  "Now," she
   purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature?"  Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"  Astounded and a little hurt she
   asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural!  I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin -- no blemishes anywhere!
   How can you feel the best part of my body is my ears?"  Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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1. A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

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A priest wakes up at 5:00 am on a Sunday to write his sermon for the days church services.  It is the first beautiful day after a week of rain.  The priest loves to play golf but hasn't had a chance due to the weather and just cant resist the sunshine.  He decides to recycle one of his sermons from last year and go play a round of golf.  He figures it is so early, he can play a quick round and no one will know.  Off he goes.  He gets to the 7 th hole and it is a long par 5.  God looks down an sees the priest and says to St Peter "what is that priest doing playing golf on a Sunday before church, I want you to punish him".  The priest tees up and hits the ball and it is a hole in one.  God looks down and says to St Peter, "I thought I told you to punish him".  St Peter replies, " I did, who is he going to tell".

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> Little Firefighter
> Gotta love this little one
> A fire fighter is working outside the station when he notices a
> little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders on the sides, a
> garden hose coiled in the middle, and wearing a fire fighter's helmet.
> The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.
> "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
> admiration.
> "Thanks," the girl says.
> When the fire fighter takes a closer look, he notices the girl has
> tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
> "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you
> how to run your rig, but, if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
> Collar, I think you could go faster."
> The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but
> then I wouldn't have a siren."

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Deep Thoughts of a Retired Man

(and an age-old questioned answered)


I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.


My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."


She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"




The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"  At that point, I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.


Finally, I pondered an age-old question:  "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?"  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?


Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion.  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."


On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."


I rest my case.  Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

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