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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather hot-looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper from my bachelor party I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend  whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my ass?!"

"Um, no", she replied coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher"...........
 

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied,
“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

 

  1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A- Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, YEAAAHHH GOD!
  14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar,
drinking beer.

Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and
sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down
to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the
four basic classes: Math, English, history, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. ~ Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that
you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically
that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a
family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a
wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a
heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that
because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go
meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for
Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. ~ Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a queer."

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the 
first-class 

   > >section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, 
gently 

   > >wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen 
seconds. 

   > > 

   > >The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the 
woman 

   > >sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered 
quite 

   > >violently once more. 

   > > 

   > >Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still 
curious about 

   > >the shuddering. 

   > > 

   > >A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. 
As before, 

   > >she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more 
than 

   > >before. 

   > > 

   > >Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the 
woman, and 

   > >said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three 
times, 

   > >wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?" 

   > > 

   > >"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very 
rare 

   > >medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm." 

   > > 

 > >The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 
"I've never 

   > >heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking 
anything for 

   > >it?" 

   > > 

 > >"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper." 
 

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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot.

The sign on the cage said $50.

"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet storeowner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she'll have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam!"

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

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O'Malley is sitting at a pub with his buddy one day.  As he starts to get a little liquored up, he elbows his friend, points out the window and says,

"You see that road out there?  I built that road with me own two hands and me crew.  But do they call me O'Malley the road builder?"

"No," says the friend.

A few more shots and he elbows his friend a little harder and points out the window again.

"You see that fookin bridge out there?  I built that bridge with me own two hands and me fookin crew.  But do they call me O'Malley the bridge builder?"

"No," says his friend with a stifled chuckle.

Two pints and another couple shots, and O'Malley shoves his buddy again.

"You see that fookin castle out there in the distance?  I built that fookin castle with me own two hands and me fookin crew!  But do they call me O'Malley the fookin CASTLE builder?!?"

His friend, visibly holding back his laughter, manages to chortle "No."

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

"Aye," O'Malley says, head hung low.  "But yeh fook just one sheep..."

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This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. For all of you 
> > out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for 
> > you. 
> > 
> > An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for 
> > being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a 
> > passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. 
> > 
> > A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was 
> > re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. 
> > 
> > Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his 
> > ticket on the counter and said "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has 
> > to be FIRST CLASS." 
> > 
> > The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, 
> > but, I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to 
> > work something out." 
> > 
> > The passenger was unimpressed.? He asked loudly, so that the 
> > passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU? HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" 
> > 
> > Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address 
> > microphone, "May I have your attention please, " she began, her voice 
> > heard 
> >  clearly throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at Gate 
> > 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his 
> > identity,  please come to Gate 14." 
> > 
> > With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man 
> > glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F*** You!". 
> > 
> > Without  flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have 
> > to get in  line for that too." 

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(edited)

A priest, a rabbi, and a preacher were sitting on a park bench when a bear strolled into the village. 

They decided to make a bet that they could bring the bear to religion, and agreed to meet in the same place in a month to compare notes. 

Exactly one month later, the priest and the preacher show up, but the rabbi is nowhere around. They decide to compare notes anyway:

The priest says, "Well, I got the bear to attend Mass once a week, and he's starting to learn his catechisms."
The preacher says, "He's coming to services and I started Bible studies with him."

An ambulance pulls up and the rear doors open. The rabbi is laying on a gurney, covered in bandages and blood. 

"What happened to YOU?" the other two ask him together. 

"Well, everything was going fine. But I probably should have skipped the circumcision..." 

Edited by RobertMBlevins

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>What men say during a colonoscopy.........
> >
> > A physician claimed that the following are actual
> > comments made by his patients while he was 
> > performing their colonoscopies:
> >
> > 1. "Take it easy Doc, you're boldly going where no
> >        man has gone before!"
> >
> > 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
> >
> > 3.  "Can you hear me NOW?"
> >
> > 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
> >      there yet?"
> >
> > 5. "You know in Arkansas we're now legally
> >       married."
> >
> > 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners Chief?"
> >
> > 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left
> >       hand out..."
> >
> > 8. "Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
> >
> > 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"
> >
> > 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
> >
> > 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron didn't
>            you?"
> >
> > 12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
> >
> >   And the best one of them all...
> >
> >  "Doc could you write a note for my wife saying that
> >    my head, is in fact, not up there."
 

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Hi folks,

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that . . . that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To take you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again, you're in MY closet now."

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

This one is for everyone who

a) Has kids

b) Had kids

c) Was a kid

d) Knows a kid

e) Is going to have kids

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in
my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than five feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honors from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after 3 expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the boxing middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of......."

Here the colonel interrupted.

"Yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor an a$$hole."

Jerry Baumchen

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A woman meets a rather handsome and charming man in the bar of a 
highly regarded restaurant. They talk, they connect, and they end up 
leaving together. 


They go back to his apartment, and as he shows her around she notices 
that his bedroom is completely packed with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy 
bears. Three wall-length shelves loaded with hundreds and hundreds of 
the little buggers...carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! 

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange 
them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put 
into organizing this very un-macho display. 

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf; medium-sized 
covering the entire length of the middle shelf; and huge, enormous bears 
running all the way along the top shelf. Quite the display! 

She found it strange for a man (who was clearly straight) to have such a 
large collection of teddy bears, but doesn't mention it out loud, being 
really quite impressed by his obvious sensitive side. All the while 
thinking to herself, Oh goodness! Maybe this guy could be the one - 
maybe he could be the father of my children!" 

She turns to him. They kiss slowly... and then they rip each other's 
clothes off and make hot, steamy love. 

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this wonderful, 
sensitive guy - lying there together in the afterglow, the woman 
rolls 
over towards him smiling sweetly. She strokes his chest and asks coyly, 
"So? How was it?" 

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf

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Three third graders from Alabama, (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid), are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggest that they play a new game. 'Let's see who has the largest weenie,' he says. 'Okay.' They all agree. 
The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. 
'That's nothing,' says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. 
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest. 
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. 'Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.' 'What kind of game is that, honey?' asks the mother. 'Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?' Mom replies, 'No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.'

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