Soule76 0 #1601 January 29, 2018 Man walks in to the pharmacy and walks up and down the aisles. The sales girl asks if she can help him find anything, to which he responds "I need a box of tampons for my wife". She tells him which aisle and he walks off. A little later he comes up to the register with a large bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and sets them on the counter. The girl looks at the man with a confused look and says " sir, I thought you were looking for tampons". The man looks back and says "last week I sent my wife here for a carton of cigarettes but she came back with a tin of tobacco and a box of rolling papers". "She said I'd have to start rolling my own since it was sooooo much cheaper" he added rolling his eyes". "The way I see it, if I have to roll my own, so does she" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
wmw999 2,314 #1602 January 29, 2018 Wendy P.There is nothing more dangerous than breaking a basic safety rule and getting away with it. It removes fear of the consequences and builds false confidence. (tbrown) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1603 January 30, 2018 Soule76 Man walks in to the pharmacy and walks up and down the aisles. The sales girl asks if she can help him find anything, to which he responds "I need a box of tampons for my wife". She tells him which aisle and he walks off. A little later he comes up to the register with a large bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and sets them on the counter. The girl looks at the man with a confused look and says " sir, I thought you were looking for tampons". The man looks back and says "last week I sent my wife here for a carton of cigarettes but she came back with a tin of tobacco and a box of rolling papers". "She said I'd have to start rolling my own since it was sooooo much cheaper" he added rolling his eyes". "The way I see it, if I have to roll my own, so does she" One of the best ones I've seen yet! Would have loved to see the look on her face if this were to actually happen. "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,270 #1604 February 3, 2018 Hi folks, This one is timely: A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece. In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events. At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed, "OH !! Limp Pricks!" Over the next two and a half millennia that has morphed into "Olympics." Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,230 #1605 February 3, 2018 QuoteMatt went to see his doctor and nervously asked if he had ever laughed at a patient in his business life. The doctor reassured him, “In over twenty five years I haven’t laughed at a single patient because I always remain completely professional.” With that Matt dropped his jeans revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It wasn’t bigger than a Duracell alcaline battery. The Doctor holds back his laughter and says, "Well, son there's not a lot I can do to help you with that except maybe sew a small baby elephants trunk on there. Given this is the first doctor to help him; he immediately agrees to the surgery and wants it done the next day. The next morning; Matt wakes up with his new trunk and is jumping up and down for joy and swinging it all over the room and then has an idea. He calls the girl he's been flirting with and asks her out to dinner. While they're sitting close to each other at the table suddenly the baby elephants trunk comes out from under the table - grabs a dinner roll and slips back under the table. The girl is very impressed and says, "WOW!! Can you do that AGAIN?!?!??!!" Matt says, "I think so, but I don't know if my ass could handle another hot roll shoved up it.Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #1606 February 4, 2018 A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied. “Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked. “Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” “Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!” Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #1607 February 7, 2018 A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father” The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”. The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”. The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”. The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #1608 February 7, 2018 Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like ot give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I’ll see you here back in court on Monday.” Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?” “Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.” “17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?” “I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: o O And told them this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.” “That’s very admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” He said to the second guy. “Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.” “156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?” “Well, I also used a diagram with circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, “This is your .sshole before prison…” Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Soule76 0 #1609 February 11, 2018 A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are stuck on a deserted island. The nearest civilization is a 50 mile swim to the next island. The brunette, fed up with the island, decides to go for it and starts swimming towards humanity. She makes it 15 miles before she gets too tired to go on, and drowns. The next day the redhead, equally fed up, decides to make the swim. Being of stronger stock (redhead) she makes it 20 miles out before getting tired, and drowns. The third day, the blond decides she too is fed up, and starts swimming. She makes it 25 miles out before realizing she is too tired, and swims back to the island. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #1610 February 12, 2018 At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!” Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,270 #1611 February 12, 2018 Hi folks, Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks had been set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a$$-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left." Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Soule76 0 #1612 February 13, 2018 I'm told diarrhea is hereditary..... Apparently it runs in your jeans. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1613 February 13, 2018 Soule76 I'm told diarrhea is hereditary..... Apparently it runs in your jeans. (GROOOOOOAAAAAAAN) "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
irishrigger 32 #1614 February 14, 2018 During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners and asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?” Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.” The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?” Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” “That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?” “I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.” Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,270 #1615 February 17, 2018 Hi folks, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I'm feeling at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom. I give them pictures of my family, my dog, of me gardening, golfing and taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what everybody does every day. I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them, "I like them." And, it works... Just like Facebook.... I already have four people following me . . . Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist... Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldwomanc6 38 #1616 February 18, 2018 Q. What's the difference between a husband and a lover? A. About six inches. lisa WSCR 594 FB 1023 CBDB 9 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bob_Church 7 #1617 February 19, 2018 BillyVance ***Man walks in to the pharmacy and walks up and down the aisles. The sales girl asks if she can help him find anything, to which he responds "I need a box of tampons for my wife". She tells him which aisle and he walks off. A little later he comes up to the register with a large bag of cotton balls and a ball of string and sets them on the counter. The girl looks at the man with a confused look and says " sir, I thought you were looking for tampons". The man looks back and says "last week I sent my wife here for a carton of cigarettes but she came back with a tin of tobacco and a box of rolling papers". "She said I'd have to start rolling my own since it was sooooo much cheaper" he added rolling his eyes". "The way I see it, if I have to roll my own, so does she" One of the best ones I've seen yet! Would have loved to see the look on her face if this were to actually happen. Here's something I actually saw once. It was back in the 80s or so in a Krogers in Marietta Oh. It looked like Ma and Pa Kettle and their 14 year old boy had come in from the hills. Ma must have needed a box of kotex but then they didn't want anyone to know so they had the kid hold them under his jacket the whole time. And the kid looked so intent, he was helping his Ma. The jacket didn't cover them, just the front but the side of the big box was really visible and the thing is nobody would have even noticed them otherwise but now you couldn't help but look and wonder. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,270 #1618 February 23, 2018 Hi folks, When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals. Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,230 #1619 February 23, 2018 OK, Jerry - That made me laugh out loud. Thanks.Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BIGUN 1,230 #1620 February 23, 2018 The bible teaches us to love and Kamasutra shows how to do that. If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off? What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that’s cute but can you breathe through it? I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.” What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. And the requisite joke of the day.... Bum Bum Buuuum What kind of bees produce milk? BoobiesNobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,270 #1621 February 25, 2018 Hi folks, You are forewarned, this is a groaner. Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.' Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,270 #1622 February 25, 2018 Hi folks, And another groaner. In the swim-meet, after the blonde came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that all the other girls were using their arms. Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BillyVance 34 #1623 February 26, 2018 JerryBaumchen Hi folks, You are forewarned, this is a groaner. Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.' Jerry Baumchen "Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rehmwa 2 #1624 February 26, 2018 JerryBaumchen Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware. You just stole 17 seconds of my life I want them back....... (nevermind, I would have wasted them anyway) ... Driving is a one dimensional activity - a monkey can do it - being proud of your driving abilities is like being proud of being able to put on pants Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JerryBaumchen 1,270 #1625 February 26, 2018 Hi folks, A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted her and said, "These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E." St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?" "Not yet," she replied, "You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia." Jerry Baumchen Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites