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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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SethInMI

***...droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray :o



interesting how jokes get customized. I heard it with grizzly / black bears and it works better that way I think.

Me too (both points).
"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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SkydiveJack

BREAKING NEWS- Hillary Clinton has joined the “Me Too” campaign. Her office just came out with a press release stating that Clinton was sexually assaulted by Donald Trump. She provided documentation proving that Trump screwed her against her wishes on November 8, 2016.



:D:D:D
"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the f*ckin' dishes..!
Remember you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

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two David Sedaris told:

Q: What's the worst thing to hear after just giving Willie Nelson a bj?
A: "I'm not Willie Nelson."

Him: If I knew you were a virgin, I would have taken my time.
Her: If I knew you were going to take your time, I would have taken my pantyhose off.
It's flare not flair, brakes not breaks, bridle not bridal, "could NOT care less" not "could care less".

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Hi folks,

Lovemaking Tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

5a. Put extra tape on your toupee, so it doesn’t fall off and scare the hell outta your partner.

6. Use extra Polygrip so your teeth so they don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Paracetamol (Tylenol) ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want...the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Wife: I have a bag of used clothing that I would like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash. That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor, starving people who can use these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who can fit into your clothes is not starving.

The husband is expected to recover in a few weeks.


B|

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit . It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

"The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes."

After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."


>:(

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

It is called timing.

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

An elderly couple is sitting in the kitchen one morning, having their usual quiet breakfast. She in her old, thin nightgown... he in his robe. As usual, he's holding up the paper, checking the scores.

She is feeling wistful, thinking of the old days when their love was young.

"Arthur", she finally says, "do you still find me attractive?"

Without moving his paper, he says, "Yeah... sure, Martha."

"But Arthur," she says, "am I still sexy to you?"

From behind the paper he says, "Yeah, yeah... you're still sexy."

"But Arthur!", she says, "You barely look at me anymore!"

He puts down his paper and looks across the table. "Martha!", he says earnestly, "I love you so much. You are ravishing! ...the most wonderful, sexy woman on earth! I couldn't live without you!"

"Oh, Arthur!", she says, "When you talk that way to me, I can feel my nipples get hot!"

He picks up his paper again and says, "Well, they should be hot. One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal."


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Well, it is a day late; but here goes:

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture,
she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in place."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Four engineers are driving to a conference when the car sputters and dies as they pull off to the shoulder.

After a moment of silent contemplation, the electrical engineer says, "You know, I bet the coil's bad. We need to replace the coil."

The chemical engineer says, "You're nuts, it's obviously the fuel's gone bad. We need to drain the tank and refill."

The mechanical engineer scoffs, "You're both wrong. Sounds to me like a valve lifter is frozen. We're gonna need to rip the block apart."

After another moment of silence the three look back at the computer engineer who says, "Maybe if we get out of the car and get back in?"


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

Two guys sitting in a bar.

One turns to the other and says, 'Man you look tired. What's wrong?'

His buddy says, 'My girlfriend constantly wants sex. Wakes me up all hours of the night and I like it but I get exhausted and don't know what to do.'

An old man sitting at the end of the bar says, 'I've been listening to your conversation. You can easily solve that problem, just marry her.'

:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason…they simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the nation's capital.

A search for a virgin also continues; so far, without success.

There was no problem however, finding enough a$$es to fill the stable.


Jerry Baumchen

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A bus full of Nuns crushes a cow and falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Agustin. He says to them “Sisters, welcome to great Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single line.” And nuns do so.

St. Agustin turns to the first woman in the line and asks her “Sister, have you ever touched a p.nis?”

Sister Debora responds: “Well… there was this one time… that I kinda sorta…touched one with the tip of my pinky finger…”

St. Agustin says “Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted.” And she did so.

St. Agustin now turns to the second nun and says “Sister, have you ever touched a p.nis?”

Barbara replies: “Well…. There was this one time… that I held one for a moment…”

“Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted” and she does so.

Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Agustin sees this and asks the Nun “Sister Susanne, why you in hurry? There is no rush!”

Sister Susanne responds “Well if I’m going to have to gargle this stuff, I’d rather do it before Sister Barbara sticks her ass in it!”

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Ronald joins a very exclusive nudist community. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to walk around.

A gorgeous brunette walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The brunette notices Ronald’s erection, comes over to him and asks, “Did you call for me?”

Ronald replies, “No,what do you mean?”

She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a law here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Ronald continues to explore the community. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within seconds a gigantic,bearded guy lumbers out of the steam room toward him,

“Did you call for me?” says the gigantic guy.

“No, what do you mean?” says the rookie Ronald.

“You must be new,” says the gigantic guy, “it’s a law that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The rookie Ronald staggers back to the community management office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked hot clerk,

“May I help you?” she says.

Ronald yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the 1000 bucks membership fee.”

“But, Sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”

Ronald replies, “Listen young lady, I’m 70 years old. I only get an erection once in a month.But I fart 20 times a day.”

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A grumpy old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was a lot of young ladies in gala and one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative,young lady. I am just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action in your duty.”

“Yes,young lady, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy of music and vine.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you made love?”

“1958,young lady.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1958! She took his hand and led him to a empty room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.

Thereafter, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1958.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2115 now.”

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Teresa had a female parrot which always saying: “Hello, I am very hot. Do you want to have some fun?”

She was hopeless, so she went to the church to find priest for a solution to the problem. The priest said, “Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.”

So,Teresa brought the parrot to priest’s house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, “Hello, I am very hot. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looked at the other one and said, “Put the Bible away, our prayers have been answered.”

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Dennis was in his front yard mowing grass when his charmful blonde female neighbor Arleen came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

Arleen opened box, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.Furiously, she back into the house.

Dennis was getting ready to edge the lawn, here Arleen came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.She was about to go mad.

Confused by her actions Dennis asked her, “Is there something wrong?”

Arleen replied, “There undoubtedly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “You have got mail!”

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On a abroad flight, the pilot comes over the public microphone system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells to passengers at what altitude they will be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

Then,he forgets to turn off the microphone,the pilot says to his co-pilot, ‘What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.’

All the passengers hear it.A hostess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his blunder, one of the passengers stops her and says ‘Don’t forget the coffee!’

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George Bush becomes very sick and dies. He goes to Hell where the Lucifer is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Lucifer. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, i found what to do.So I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I’ll even let you decide who leaves.”

George Bush thought that sounded enough good so he agreed.

The Lucifer opened the first room’s door. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his destiny in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long .”

The Lucifer led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of giant rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my arm. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Lucifer opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton sitting naked on the chair with his arms staked over his head and he spreads his legs.Monica Lewinsky on the knees, doing what she does best.

George Bush looked at this in doubt for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Lucifer smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

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A family is sitting at the living room and they talk about something. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, amazed, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three stages. In 20s, a woman’s breasts are like oranges, round and firm.In 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice,hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” That make angry his wife and daughter.

The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three stages also. In 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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