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6114 Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an officer from the local RAF base walked in and said to the shopkeeper "I'll take a 6114 monkey, please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the officer, saying, "That'll be £2,000, please."

The officer paid and left with the monkey. The surprised tourist went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did that one cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that 6114 monkey, he can rig aircraft flight controls, score 300 on the Army Personal Fitness Test, set up a perimeter defence and perform the duties of any warrant officer with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money".

The tourist then spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! £10,000! What does it do?" he asked.

"Oh, that one" replied the shopkeeper. "That's a "Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance at the unit, intermediate, and Depot level, and even do most of the paperwork. A very useful monkey indeed".

The tourist looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag was £50,000. The shocked tourist exclaimed, "This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?"

"Actually" said the shopkeeper "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with his d***, but his papers say he's a Pilot."

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Hi Jerry, I'm behind schedule - got some catching up to do.

Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies “Yes I do!” and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks “Where did you get this?” The guy replies “Oh I have a personal genie.”

The first man asks “Can I make a wish? ” Sure says the other man “Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing” “Ok I will” says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says ” I want a Million Bucks ”

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other ” Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?” The other man replies “I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC”


A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”


Husband: “I don’t know why you wear a bra, you’ve got nothing to put in it.”
Wife: “You wear briefs, don’t you?”


Little BILLY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said,
“Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”
Little BILLY replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
“Oh?” replied the man. ” Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
“No” replied Little Billy, “He minded his own fucking business!!”


My last girlfriend had a tattoo of a chameleon.
Well that’s what she said, but I could never see it.


A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my farts…although still silent…stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”
Nobody has time to listen; because they're desperately chasing the need of being heard.

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A man and his pregnant wife are selected as test subjects for a scientific experiment.

The doctor explains that while the mother-to-be will give birth, a machine will transfer some of her pain to the child's father, giving her some much needed relief and allowing the father to experience childbirth in a way never tried before.

Come the day of delivery and the doctor, after setting up the machine, declares:

-"We'll start with 5% transfer."

-"Fine!" say husband and wife

After a few minutes, the doctor asks the husband if he's okay.

-"All dandy", he replies.

The doctors pushes the switch to 25%. Still the husband is smiling and seems in no pain at all, while the wife feels the welcome relief.

The doctor then pushes to 50%. Same, husband unfazed, wife almost painless.

In a fit of scientific bravery, the doctor turns the knob all the way to 100%. Wife is almost falling asleep from painlessness while husband plays Angry Birds on his tablet.

The doctor is quite amazed, even as the child is delivered, then tells the couple to go home and call him if anything peculiar happens.

As soon as the couple and new child are home, they call the doctor.

-"Yes?" says the doctor.

-"Well, that's quite peculiar" they say, "we've just found the mailman dead on our doorstep."

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Two vampires, for many years, had terrorized the local area but due to greed, they killed every man, woman and child for miles. Because of this, it had got to the stage that they couldn't find prey within bat-flight range and make it home again before sun up. So, after weeks of starvation, they sat upon the window ledge of the highest tower in their castle to discuss their predicament...

Vampire one: Well, my friend, it's only an hour until sun-up and I fear I'm too weak to search for food. I think I'm going to sit here and enjoy the sunrise that I've not seen in two hundred years.

Vampire two: To hell with that, weak though I may be, the blood is the life!

And with that, the second vampire zooms out the window into the pre-dawn darkness in search of something, anything to feed upon. Ten minutes pass when all of a sudden, the second vampire swoops back out of the darkness and lands beside his friend - his face is covered in blood and he's greedily licking his lips, savouring the taste.

Vampire one: Fucking hell, you lucky bastard! Where did you find that?

The second vampire pauses and points into the near-light...

Vampire two: You see that huge oak tree just beyond the main courtyard gates?

Vampire one (excited): Yes!

Vampire two: Well, I didn't!

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Mark your calendar.

"President Donald J. Trump held his tongue and his tweets after this weekend’s broadcast of “Saturday Night Live,” perhaps because of the absence of Alec Baldwin, the actor who has regularly impersonated him in opening sketches this season.

So all eyes will surely be on the @realDonaldTrump and @POTUS Twitter handles on Feb. 11, when Mr. Baldwin hosts the show for a full 90 minutes. NBC said on Monday that Mr. Baldwin, who won two Emmy Awards during his run on “30 Rock” and who hosts the ABC game show “Match Game,” will be hosting “S.N.L.” for the 17th time; that’s a record for the program, putting further distance between Mr. Baldwin and his closest rival, Steve Martin, who has hosted 15 times. The musical guest on the episode will be Ed Sheeran."

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Hi folks,

The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post. A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle.

A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Navy Chief simply said.

"Poor old loon," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked, "How many have you caught today?"

"You're number 14, the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12 year old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines.”


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi Jerry,

bit of irish humor for you ;):P

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

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Dangers of Golf

While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now " she insisted.
She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

I replied, "Still under the cart I guess"

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Hi folks,

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New Jersey to say hello to this friends .

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto excepta for da train ride down."

"Whada you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she packa biga basketa food.
She bringa da vino, some nicea cigars for me, and we werea lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basaket. The conductore comea by, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'

So,we go to cluba car. While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say: 'No a smokina in disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a topa hisa voice..

'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."


Jerry Baumchen

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Read this one on FB,

Two women meet up in heaven and began to chat about how each of them had died.

- First woman- " Well I died of a heart attack"

- Second woman- "I froze to death."

- First woman- "That must have been terrible!!"

- Second woman- "After the shivering went away I just peacefully went to sleep. You look so young. How did you die of a heart attack?".

- First woman- "I have been convinced for weeks that my husband has been cheating on me while I'm at work. So one day I came home from work early and found him just sitting calmly on the couch watching TV. I ran all over the house looking for the other woman. I ran up the stairs, down the stairs around the house, looked in the shed, checked the basement, but I just couldn't find her so I kept running crazy until my heart stopped.".

- Second woman- "That's actually a terrible shame"

- First woman- "Why's that?"

- Second woman- "If you would have looked in the freezer we would both be alive"
Muff #5048

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What do you need to reunite The Beatles?
> a gun and two rounds

What does a one-armed man look for in a mall?
> the second-hand store

"where is the terrible neighbour, you´ve told me about?"
> "in his garden .."
"I can´t see him anywhere .."
> "Oh, you have to dig a little ..."

Man comes to a pharmacy and wants to have a box of cyanide.
> "Sorry, I can´t give you that" the pharmacist replies ...
The man pulls out a pic from his wife and shows it to him.
> "Oh, I didn´t know that you have a prescription ...

At a Bar, two Girls are giggling, one of them asks the other one about her new boyfriend.
She says: " Well, he is great. I took him to my family last week for a dinner. I told him my grandpa is a little hard on hearing and I told my grandpa before on the phone that my new boyfriend is a little bit mentally retarded. Was one of the best evenings in my life ..."

" lady, when I serve you a nice breakfast to you while you are still in your bed, I think a friendly thank you would be nicer than a what the hell are you doing in my house??!!"

black humor is like food.
not everyone has it ...

With sufficient thrust,
pigs just fly well

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Hi folks,

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer."

"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."


Jderry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

It takes seven seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold three Kg.

The length of a man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

Women blink twice as much as men.

A woman can read this entire post in . . .

A man is still looking at his thumb . . .


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years ? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 20 times:

'I do not have a headache.'

'I do not have a headache.'

'I do not have a headache.'

'Well, it worked ! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW ! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move ! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning, 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying ....

'She's not my wife.'

'She's not my wife.'

'She's not my wife.'


Jerry Baumchen

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An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!"
WSCR 594
FB 1023

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I saw this on slashdot.org last week:

A younger inexperienced Indian chief was wondering how much firewood he needed to gather for the winter. He was not like the chiefs in the past that could tell from the clouds and stuff like that.

He decided to make his people gather tons of firewood, more than they usually gather just to be safe. The young chief was still curious though so he decided to call the weather service people.

They said that it was supposed to be a pretty cold winter, colder than most years. So the young chief made his people gather more firewood. They were getting pretty tired.

Again the chief called the weather service and they said that it was suppose to be even colder. So the Indians went back to wood cutting, and were getting even more tired. Some were even ill and there hands were rubbed raw and blistered. They had to build a whole other hut for all of the firewood which took even more wood to build.

Once again the chief called, and the weather service said that there may be another ice age. The chief asked him how they could tell all of this and he simply replied, "Because the Indians are gathering firewood like crazy!"

"There are only three things of value: younger women, faster airplanes, and bigger crocodiles" - Arthur Jones.

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Hi folks,

A woman is having a romp in the hay with her husband's best friend one afternoon when suddenly the phone rings.

She hops out of bed to answer it: "Hello . . . OK, bye."

"Who was that?" asks the guy.

"Just my husband," she replies.

"Oh, crap, I'd better get going. Did he say where he was? Is he coming home?"

"Don't worry," says the wife. "He said he's down at the bar playing a few games of pool with you."


Jerry Baumchen

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