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councilman24

*********This is an actual news story, but it certainly qualifies as a joke: http://www.fox4news.com/trending/164364754-story

We need to put this ankle GPS tracker on a guy with a prosthetic leg;
Which leg should we use?:S



You think maybe if he'd built a model railroad track running all through his house in a long loop and set to on/off timers, and placed the prosthetic leg on a modified model train, maybe the GPS tracking device would have showed the movement, instead of being stationary for 72 hours?

Even that said, how the fuck do you not notice the prosthetic when putting the monitor on?

:D


Just duct tape it to the roomba.

The question is whar else have you duct taped to the rumba for that to come to mind?:P The cat? The chamberpot? The pony keg?.

A roomba is a multi functional robotic mobility chair for a turtle.
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Hi folks,

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will.'

The young cowboy did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the young cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that’ll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young cowboy.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young cowboy took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the young cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young cowboy smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all..'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young cowboy..

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A Catholic priest and a Jewish Rabbi meet at a delicatessen for lunch. The Rabbi orders the pastrami, the priest orders the ham.

"I'm just curious," the priest says to the Rabbi. "Why can't you eat ham?"

"Never really thought about it," the Rabbi replies. "As a Jew, it's just one of the ways we are expected to show our devotion and obedience to God."

As they eat lunch, the Rabbi starts talking about how beautiful his wife is, and how great she is in the sack. "Why can't you take a wife?" the Rabbi asks the priest.

"I dunno ," the priest says. "It's just one of the ways I am expected to show my devotion and obedience to God."

They eat in silence for a while until the Rabbi says, "Even though neither of us can say for sure, I gotta believe it's better than a ham sandwich."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.

Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive."

With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

"I see," The captain says.

Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

A young man meets an old Russian woman in Moscow.

She tells him how difficult her life has been. "During the Soviet era, we had no luxuries, but we were comfortable. My one cherished possession was a distinctive gold locket my husband bought from a foreigner at great personal risk. When the communists fell from power, things got even worse and I was forced to sell it for a tenth of its value just to eat."

The young man feels so bad for the old woman that he invests hundreds of hours looking for her locket, scouring second-hand shops across the region and searching countless on-line auctions.

A year later, he finally finds it and buys it, excited to see how overjoyed she will be.

When he brings it to her, she turns to him calmly and says, "It had a chain."


:S

Jerry Baumchen

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This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She replies, "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"

He says, "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

He says, "What's that for this time?"

She answered, "Your horse called.

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Hi folks,

In the year 2016, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no ark.

"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."

"I needed a building permit."

"I've been arguing with the boat inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision."

"Then the local Council and the electric company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."

"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."

"The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The Government has beat me to it."


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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This popped up on my FB feed. I don't think it's been posted before, but my memory is failing lately.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box !'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in !'

"There are NO situations which do not call for a French Maid outfit." Lucky McSwervy

"~ya don't GET old by being weak & stupid!" - Airtwardo

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Hi folks,

1. Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

2. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

3. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

4. Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

5. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

6. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

7. An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well! Prophets are going through the roof.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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This would have come in handy last fall when the Alabama Crimson Tide football team went to the University of Georgia Bulldogs and skullfucked them in the rain 38-10.

:D:D:D

(if you have to ask - Bama's mascot is a raging elephant. :P)

"Mediocre people don't like high achievers, and high achievers don't like mediocre people." - SIX TIME National Champion coach Nick Saban

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BillyVance

This would have come in handy last fall when the Alabama Crimson Tide football team went to the University of Georgia Bulldogs and skullfucked them in the rain 38-10.

:D:D:D

(if you have to ask - Bama's mascot is a raging elephant. :P)



Might wanna put a NSFW on that
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Mickey Mouse was in divorce court.
The judge says, "Mr. Mouse, insanity is not a cause for divorce."
Mickey replies, "Your Honor, I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."
Most of the things worth doing in the world had been declared impossilbe before they were done.
Louis D Brandeis

Where are we going and why are we in this basket?

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Hi folks,

You can retire to Phoenix, AZ, where...

1. You’re willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.

2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??

OR You can retire to California, where...

1. You make over $450,000 annually and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your own driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR You can retire to New York City, where...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature”.

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn (if you dare to own a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR You can retire to Minnesota, where...

1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.

3. You have seventeen recipes for casseroles.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than 8 buttons.

5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.

6. The highest level of criticism is: "He is different, she is different or it was different!

OR You can retire to the Deep South, where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense in court.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. etc.

5. Everywhere is either "in yonder", "over yonder" or "out yonder".

OR You can retire to Colorado, where...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR You can retire to Wyoming, where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor or cattle to cross the road.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

OR Finally, you can retire to Florida, where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind…even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist or orthopedist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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more Irish humour!

Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Ireland and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the barman, "Don't mind us mucker; we're joined at the hip. I'm Sean, he's Paddy. Two Guinness please."
The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the swally. "Been on holiday yet, fellas?"
"Off to America next month," says Sean. "We go to the States every year, rent a big car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Paddy?"
Paddy nods.
"Ah, America!" says the barman. "Magic country...the sights, the people, the monuments, the food and especially the beer."
"Nah, we don't like that aul American shite," says Sean. "Guinness and spuds, that's for us, eh Paddy?
And we can't stand the American people, they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to America?" asks the barman.
Sean replies: "Gives Paddy a chance to drive...

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VIRAL
AUTHOR MJ CARROLL
1 week ago
This is hilarious! Enjoy!
Farmer Does Something Very Strange At His Wife’s Funeral. This Is Priceless
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field.
He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd.
When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And what about the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
I'm not usually into the whole 3-way thing, but you got me a little excited with that. - Skymama
BTR #1 / OTB^5 Official #2 / Hellfish #408 / VSCR #108/Tortuga/Orfun

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Hi folks,

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said, "I've been divorced three times, and have owned two Chryslers."

She starts work in the morning.


:o

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

I mowed the lawn the other day, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said 'Nothing.'

The reason I said 'Nothing' instead of saying 'Just thinking' is because she then would have asked 'About what?'

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally, I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they "know"?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question:

Getting kicked in the groin is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really "know"...here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say: "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say: "You know, I think I would like another kick in the groin."

I rest my case.

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."
lisa
WSCR 594
FB 1023
CBDB 9

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