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BIGUN

JOKE OF THE DAY CLUB

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Hi folks,

Who thinks up these things!!!!!!!!!!!!

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH (always pronounced as Van GO)

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------- Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes------------- Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------- U Gogh

His magician uncle ------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin --------------------- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -- Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ---- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ---------------- Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt ------------ Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------- Flamin Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking ------ Way-to-Gogh

The little bouncy nephew -------------- Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco ------------ Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh

I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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At a conference of Archeologists in Paris, a group of the delegates were having a discussion over a few drinks at the hotel bar discussing recent discoveries.

The German guy was explaining at a recent dig near Düsseldorf to a depth of 10 feet last year, German scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Germans, the French archaeologist noted that they had excavated to a depth of 20 feet at a site in Lyon, and shortly afterwards, a story was
published in the "Le Monde" newspaper:

"French archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Germans".

The Belgian representing the "Bureau des Mines" in Wallonia piped up and noted that their Scientific Journal published the following;

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Wallonia , Belgium, just outside of the city of Charleroi, Albert Cougné, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at all. Albert had therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Belgium had already gone wireless."

All your dropzone are belong to us!!!!111!

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A 90 year old man is having his annual check-up.
The doctor asks him how he is doing.
"I've never been better!" he replies. "I have an 18 year old bride who is
pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers this for a moment and then says: "Well, let me tell
you a story:
I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one
day, he is in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella
instead of his gun. So, he walks in the woods near a creek and he spots a
beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points
it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM*, the beaver drops dead
in front of him.
"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief.
"Someone else must have shot that beaver!"
"Exactly!

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The City of Regina clean-up crew found over 200 dead crows on the Dewdney avenue near McNally's pub recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The NRA then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
Always remember the brave children who died defending your right to bear arms. Freedom is not free.

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Hi folks,

This might be an oldie, but what the heck:

I'm a guy, she's single... She lives right across the street. I can see her place from my kitchen window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door. I opened the door, she looked at me and said, "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get laid tonight. Are you doing anything?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"

"Great," she said. "Can you watch my dog?"


[:/]

Jerry Baumchen

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Hi foks,

My goal for 2016 is to lose just 10 pounds - only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese... and sausage and pepperoni. OK, FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some meat.

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented.or . . . . . . Hmmmm, I forgot where I was going with this.

I love being over 70. I learn something new every day... and forget 5 others.

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

PS: Sunday, March 13, 2016 began Daylight Savings Time. Did you set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds like you were supposed to do?


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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Paddy was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. He told his wife, Marie, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, Marie was sitting there in black, and her friend Patricia was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the Marie said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So Patricia said to her, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The always loyal Marie replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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Difference between Airplanes and Woman! :):)

Airplane usually kill you quickly-woman take their time.
Airplanes can be turned on with a flick of a switch
Airplanes don't get mad if you do a touch and go!
Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection!
Airplanes comes with manuals to explain their operations.
Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.
Airplanes don't come with in-laws.
Airplanes don't mind how many other airplanes you have flown before.
Airplanes and pilots arrive at the same time.
Airplanes expect to be tied down.
Airplanes don't comment on your flying skills.
Airplanes don't whine unless there is something seriously wrong!


However, when airplanes go quiet like woman, its usually not a good sign!

B|:P;)

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Paddy met his good friend Mick in the street and said to him, you should really pull the curtains in your bedroom when you are making love to your wife!
why? asks Mick
because all the neighbors saw you and are sniggering about it in the street.
Well said Mick, they should mind their own business those nosey feckers, but the jokes on them. i was not even home yesterday as i was out of town overnight with work! :o:o:o

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A guy brings a girl home from the bar and things start to get hot and heavy.
The girl asks, "Do you have a condom?"
To which he replies. "Yes, they are in the drawer next to the rattlesnake, Go ahead and grab one"
Astonished she asks "why is there a rattlesnake in your condom drawer and why do you want me to grab one"
"Because I don't f*** with either one of them"

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Two mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer "one third x cubed."

She repeats, "wunther decks cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
Her: "wunther decks cubed?"
"Yes, that's right," he says.
So she agrees and goes off mumbling to herself, "wunther decks cubed, wunther decks cubed, …"

The first mathematician returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his assertion that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?"
The waitress says, "wunther decks cubed," and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder, "plus a constant!"
Math tutoring available. Only $6! per hour! First lesson: Factorials!

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Hi folks,

A skydiver was driving through a large sheep ranch one day, and saw a huge flock off in the distance. As he got closer, he saw the shepherd standing near the road, so he decided to impress him with his use of technology.

The driver pulled off the road and approached the shepherd. "Morning," he said. "If I can accurately count your herd of sheep, will you give me one?"

The shepherd shrugged and said "Sure, why not?"

The driver reached into his car and retrieved a laptop and satellite phone. After tethering the laptop to the phone he downloaded a real-time full-color image of the area. He digitized the photo, then used a mathematical algorithm of his own design. After a few seconds the laptop chimed and he turned to the shepherd. "This flock contains 14,643 sheep over 1,217 hectares." With a smug look, he closed the laptop and reached for a nearby animal.

"Very impressive," admitted the shepherd. "I think I know who you are. If I can identify you, will you give me back my property?"

The driver replied "I'll take that bet, because we have never met. There is no way you can know me."

"Your username is Dipstick," replied the shepherd, "and you post on www.dropzone.com in the Speaker's Corner forum quite often."

"That's not possible," stammered the driver.

"It's quite simple," said the shepherd. "You told me what I already know and gave me more information than I asked for. It is a common syndrome on that and many forums." The shepherd stopped for a moment, the smug look now on his face.

"And," he continued, "give me back my dog."


Jerry Baumchen

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Hi folks,

More truth here than most of us would want to admit:

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed, Desperate


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications that will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck! Tech Support


:P

Jerry Baumchen

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